tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32376969985106757072024-03-13T20:34:32.158-07:00I'm really having an abortion?An abortion. Plain and simple. All the details that no one will tell you.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.comBlogger130125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-3920406963472061342008-09-08T09:31:00.000-07:002010-01-14T09:38:01.458-08:0090 Days LaterIt's getting hard to keep track of how many days it's been since the abortion, since i'm not writing every day but i'm fudging the dates.<br /><br /><i><dl class="avatar-comment-indent" id="comments-block"><dt class="comment-author" id="c4924135193920303219"><a href="profile/14729355361057625131" rel="nofollow">placenta sandwich</a> said... </dt><dd class="comment-body"> <p>The counseling thing sort of shocks me. In my training and various jobs it's been the assumed standard of care. I've always known that procedures can vary quite a bit among clinics, but most of the people I've gotten to know in the field who worked at other places seemed to have the same expectations: sure, a lot of women might not need a whole lot of talking before or after, but it's better for a patient to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, so we should do our best to make sure the steps are described, the questions are answered, the aftercare is explained, and the patient has an idea of whether she'll cope well afterward. Blah, it makes me really upset that they didn't give you what you needed.</i></p></dd></dl>It was very , very clinical. When i say i felt like Patient X, i wasn't kidding...no one talked to me other than the formalities. Like when i made the phone call it was "okay here's the time slot, here's what you need to bring". Every question I had outside of the norm (mostly about the surgeon's lawsuit), everyone seemed clueless. Most of the women i dealt with were barely older than 27 i would guess, minus the actual medical people themselves (4 of those total, and that includes the surgeon). We were shuttled along like cattle.<br /><br />In other news, I saw Chandler briefly last night, and damn he looked so good...it was hard to not picture what a baby with him would look like if i knew it was his or not. Damn him and life for not making thing different. Well, mostly him...a lot of things i feel were within his control, and still are.<br /><br />I don't want to say i'm "over" the abortion, but it's such a distant memory to me. The only time it really gets to me is if i think of some of the sh*tty things Chandler has said to me, or when i imagine the surgery room...the pain in my hand...GOD i can still feel it if i think about it...and having your legs spread open, the door open, legs in stirrups, it was the most humiliating experience of my life, easily.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-58046366280317017772008-09-06T10:37:00.000-07:002010-01-12T10:46:42.230-08:0088 Days Later - no news to reportI don't really have any news to report. I'm not emotional over the abortion at all, baby stuff hasnt' really gotten to me, and Chandler is just being...depressed and "blah". I tried cheering him up yesterady and he gave me a "while it's great that you're happy and your life is going great, i feel like you're rubbing it in my face". Because i sent him a text telling him to smile. That's it.<br /><br />So, whatever, i put in a bit of effort last night, one last one this morning, i'm not going to let him bring me down. He's a classic psych book right now, and he actually got my hopes up when he said something in his life was going to change on Saturday. Well, so much for that.<br /><br />the more i think about it, the more i realize how much of the crappy things in his life are his own fault. Getting booted out of the first apt for shooting off hsi mouth, losing his first job definitely because he rubbed that boss lady the wrong way (he knows nothing about the way the corporate world works...if someone is your superior, regardless if you report to them or not, you don't act like an unlikeable dick! It's the same as biting the hand that feeds you). Then losing the next job, again was his fault for spamming Joey with texts about me (which is a whole other issue, that i'm not over and for my own protection, won't be over).<br /><br />I paid for him to join a sports team with me, and instead of getting chummy with the MEN...he got chummy with the women. It's like he's begging for drama. Why would you do that?! And the whole 'i was raised by women' is such BS. I was raised around 99% men, you don't see me chumming up and only being friends with the guys. It's not appropriate and it just causes problems. Had he chummed up to the guys, then he'd have "ins" for networking purposes, etc. All of those guys are pretty-to-very successful...those are the people he should have created frienships with.<br /><br />Sigh.<br /><br />If he wants to struggle his entire life, that's his choice. I'm making 2010 great. Either he can get on board or he can sit and pout. I'm not coddling him anymore.<br /><br />In other news I realized now that I'm not spending $$ on drinks, food, etc for him and I anymore...i have a lot more disposable cash. so i bought 2 pairs of boots and 3 bras from VS. While it feels good to help others, i'm not gonna lie...being able to splurge guilt-free on stuff for myself feels pretty damn good.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-39527178839730831812008-09-02T22:28:00.000-07:002010-01-08T22:45:12.944-08:0084 Days Later - part 210:30 pm<br /><br />HUGE blowup with Chandler today.<br /><br />The killer part was that he said I didn't consider his feelings. Now keep in mind, at the time it was like it had NO father. I just couldn't associate it with that.<br /><br />But that I didn't wrack my brains over this, about raising a baby with him, about his wants/needs in terms of a family...that was such a low blow. I was like "I'm not accepting that...i have a journal that i've written in every day, i KNOW how much i thought of you".<br /><br />More words...about my arrogance regarding the abortion. Arrogance. I was a disaster. I was disassociated.<br /><br />The hand. The pain in the hand. The searing horrible hot poker pain in my hand.<br /><br />He told me the day of the surgery I looked like a little girl curled up in the back of his car. Where was my arrogance then?!<br /><br />All the times I've cried, beating myself up over it...where was my arrogance?<br /><br />You think I"m arrogant because i weighed out EVERYONE'S lives, not just your own? What, i'm supposed to consider it FIFTY FIFTY? That is such BS...anyone who has the option of bailing, when it may not even be his, anyone who isn't glued to the "problem" 24/7 does NOT have the same amount of consideration.<br /><br />Did it cross his mind about THE BABY? What he went through being juggled between parents? About how the baby would ask why there's no pictures of daddy while i'm pregnant? Why we don't talk to his/her grandmother? Why he/she can never learn his/her heritage from anyone but me? How the stress of it all will trickle down to the baby, and the baby would have been the ultimate victim.<br /><br />Him wanting to keep the baby isn't for the sake of the baby itself...it's because it would have made HIM feel better, it would have added meaning to HIS life. So it's arrogant of me to think that risking a baby's life...and 10 months + a lifetime of mine...for his own needs?<br /><br />And this is all stuff I never get to say. Being silenced. Being told that I can't write much, but he's allowed to write 4-line IMs. How he wants special treatment...is he the only one going through this pseudo breakup?<br /><br />The push, push, pushing that he does...and then pulling back...it just plain HURTS.<br /><br />And now, the things he said today...<br /><br />You can't have loved someone if you can say those things. And looking back at all the other "meltdowns" he's had (averaging one every 2-3 months), he wanted mulligans on those words too...<br /><br />He didn't love me.<br /><br />He loved the IDEA of me.<br /><br />And that stings so flippin' much, because I thought it was genuine and true. Despite feeling like I wasn't good enough, because he kept getting so angry at the drop of a pin...i tiptoed around him for an entire year (not very good, but i did...in his own words, he's a powder keg. He was like that ALL year, not just today).<br /><br />If you really do love someone, and you can't make it work...you don't squeeze every last drop. You let them go for THEIR sake. How many times did i try that? Where i was like "holy sh*t, i'm killing me but i'm killing HIM. this has to stop. just end it. Just stop everything".<br /><br />I'm babbling.<br /><br />I fell in love with someone and went through everything (and seriously, it was no fucking picnic, which he only remembers in the good times that oh yeah...to quote...i stood by him more than anyone ever has or would)...all for nothing. Because when he gets an idea in his mind, he runs with it, he makes it up and just runs with it.<br /><br />He is a bull in a china shop, and i was the only one in that china shop last year. I thought i made it out alive. I thought we'd be okay.<br /><br />Not to say that i'm flawless. That's not what i'm saying. But i can only speak for my side in teh grand scheme.<br /><br />My heart and head aches.<br />I hope he's okay tonight. Please please don't let him relapse, or even get drunk and do something stupid. Please just let him be safe. And not hurting like this.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-29387700962604084602008-09-02T10:37:00.000-07:002010-01-08T22:27:58.292-08:0084 Days Later - PASS Workbook Section 110:38 am<br /><br />Soit's impossible to hand-write my workbook stuff becuase i type much faster, my hand doesn't cramp up, and it's not like "oh whatcha writing there?" for others to see.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Step 3: Make a list of EVERYONE who was involved with you:</span><br />a) getting pregnant<br />b)deciding to have the abortion<br />c)participating int he abortion<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Joey </span>- 18% - for rarely wanting sex, for making me uncomfortable about sex or making me feel bad about myself, for not being proactive about HIS "abilities", for putting the onus of everything on me not realizing that people view ME like i'm the broken on, and wanting to just feel GOOD about myself, which lead to the affair. For making me unsure if he's even able to have kids because he didn't care to find out, so i never could even guess if it was his. For being so clueless that his wife had an abortion.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Chandler </span>- 18% - for not even being a possible father option, his emotional and financial states were just too jacked up. For the horrible things he said that he can't take back. For being delusional into thinking that he could help raise it (really? you'd rob a bank? that was your solution?). For fighting with me every day until that point, for fighting with me a few hours after because HE was insecure that i was then going to leave him.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">FPA clinic</span> - 4% - for not having counselors available before and after. For $400, damn right you can take a few mins for that.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me </span>- 25% - obviously.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Friends/Social Circle/Family</span> - 15% - for being so rigid and close-minded, for making it so that there's no way i could ever be with any of them if i got pregnant and it turned out to be someone else's. Very few would have stood by me.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The doctor </span>- 3% - just for his lawsuit online and freaking me the eff out.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The anesthesiologist</span> - 17% - for making the whole thing "real", for the incredible physical pain, for not answering me, for making something really bad turn into a complete nightmare.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Step 4 - assign an anger number and write a letter to that person about it</span>.<br /><br />(to be continued)<br /><br /><br /><em></em>Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-3461922050388814502008-08-31T14:38:00.000-07:002010-01-06T14:39:45.326-08:0082 Days Later - tired2:38 pm<br />I'm super tired again lately. Is it the stress from the breakup with Chandler? The stress from focusing on my marriage?<br />I started to freak out wondering if i was this tired when i was pregnant before, i.e. am i pregnant now...which if i was, i doubt the excessive amount of Cipro and Diflucan would make my eggs viable this month.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-19556376331825749192008-08-30T12:28:00.000-07:002010-01-05T20:20:05.167-08:0081 Days Later - maybe i can stop counting12:31pm<br /><br />So today I don't have much to report emotion-wise, although yesterday I was a basket of nerves. All it takes is a few prodding questions from Chandler and i'm a mess, i was bawling the way home from work.<br /><br />I went to the doctor and discussed my hair loss and stuff, she took a boatload of blood samples and a thyroid ultrasound. What's funny is how often i'm asked "and you havent' had any kids?"...no, i had a fetus, but no kid.<br /><br />And then everyone says it's stress, and i tell them "my life isn't stressful, this is just regular LIFE. My job isn't stressful, i veg out and watch tv all the time, blah blah". But deep down, I know the stress..the abortion was huge, let alone juggling 2 relationships.<br /><br />I had my pap smear and the chick comments on how there's still yeast from my YI (gross, i know...i haven't had a YI in years), and i look at her swap and it's covered in blood. I immediately freak out, thinking ti's something to do with the abortion, like maybe i didn't heal properly, but she told me that it's fine, she used a "brush" and it scrapes (hate that word now) and can sometimes cause a bit of bleeding.<br /><br />She had no idea about the abortion, and i'm keeping it that way.<br /><br />Before the abortion I worked out pretty regularly, i haven't done much since. I went last night with a friend but we talked the whole time. So i'm trying to make it a point to get over the intial "hump" of working out (where you feel like a flabby weakling), it's very daunting though...getting back to the regular routine of life.<br /><br />*********<br />8:18pm<br /><br />A friend was leaving the country, had a going away shindig for her. She said to me not to get pregnant while she's gone.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-9383111841312606962008-08-29T10:35:00.000-07:002010-01-04T10:46:14.868-08:0080 Days Later - why are men such little bitches?10:36am<br /><br />Let's see, so far today Chandler has had two hissy fits which included his usual "later" comments as he leaves IM (which is so retarded, because he usually gets back on within a minute, so doing so is basically just his version of giving the middle finger). Dude needs a lesson in effing manners.<br /><br />And all of this just triggers memories of unresolved fights past, and why even if I were single, it would never work.<br /><br />I'm feeling good about 2010. I really am. It took a long while to get to this point, but having a new year and a new decade allow for a clean slate.<br /><br />The pain does eventually go down. Not completely...but a good chunkMonica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-11161613298231257252008-08-28T19:39:00.000-07:002010-01-03T20:08:40.225-08:0079 Days Later - cried again7:40pm<br /><br />Things are just weird with Chandler, what with this "take it down a notch sort of friendship get over each other" crap.<br /><br />TLC had all sorts of sex tv shows a few days ago that i recorded, I was watching one called "STrange Sex", about sexual disorders. Thought it would be about some freaky-ass stuff (which it was) until one condition came up where a chick was allergic to her husband's sperm (man that would SUCK). Anyway, they were talking about wanting a child and what not...i burst out in tears.<br /><br />I wish i could pinpoint why. Maybe it was because I felt so bad for them, and I've BEEN there, i understand the frustration of not understanding what's going on in your sex life. Or maybe it's that I turn into the comparisons, of Joey as a father vs. Chandler as the father.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-82901419705043875132008-08-27T16:53:00.000-07:002010-01-02T16:54:57.550-08:0078 Days Later - interesting thought4:53 pm<br /><br />Interesting thing I read, how like 15% of all children born are through affairs (known mostly by guys who demand paternity tests 'cause they don't want to pay child support, etc, so factor that into the math if you will), but the number of children CONCEIVED through affairs is higher...but a woman is more likely to have an abortion if she had an affair and gets pregnant.<br /><br />Gee, you think?Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-85451156340865916762008-08-25T18:04:00.000-07:002009-12-31T18:05:48.532-08:0076 Days Later - NYE6:05 pm<br /><br />Real quick, Chandler's texts:<br /><br />"Everything will be as its meant to be. And no matter what you r and ALWAYS will be the love of my life. U r perfect right now...perfect"<br /><br />"I mean those words with all of my heart...you are the most special person to ever enter my life. And you ARE BEAUTIFUL".<br /><br />Friend bucket, friend bucket, friend bucket...Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-65010703881461453412008-08-24T09:59:00.000-07:002009-12-30T10:01:18.541-08:0075 Days Later - newz10am<br />really? I had to hear about someone else being pregnant...AGAIN?<br /><br />This girl in particular is adorable, teenie, funny, liked by EVERYONE and possibly the coolest girl on the planet. The only girl I know with a ton of tattoos but they're cute and they suit her, they're not tacky.<br /><br />She already was the most gorgeous pregnant girl the first time...and now she's pregnant again.<br /><br />I feel like the biggest loser alive.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-91470295902312149062008-08-23T08:31:00.000-07:002009-12-29T19:16:38.661-08:0074 Days Later - year is wrapping up8:31am<br /><br />"Working" from home today. I always look forward to the holidays so that I can get my crap done, but somehow I never get as much done as I wish.<br /><br />Time...I never seem to have time....<br /><br />Last night, had sex with Joey...sigh. That was a huge problem after we got married, and I tried everything i could...we are just straight up not compatible in that way. Right down to one time he made a comment about how i'm getting older and it's not his fault I have a high sex drive, and was I ever raped as a kid because why do I like it so rough etc...now it's where I have to watch my teeth, my nails, my noise levels, how hard i pull him in, etc...basically anything that shows any sign of passion on my part, i need to not do. I feel like there's so much restraint on my part that i'm just waiting for it to be over.<br /><br />I had joined all sorts of forums, about when a spouse has a high sex drive vs. the other, and the strain it puts, and usually it's the GUY who bitches...so when it's the wife, it's even harder. I guess because we're supposed to be used to the pressure of someone wanting it, not us. Blah. You think it's "just sex" and down the road, what will matter...like when i'm 60, sex probably won't matter. Well...that's 30 years away. And at the time i was married, that was 35 years away. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that important because of the future (I worry more about the future than the present, however the present in my world never meets the future. It's always worrying about tomorrow, not today. Maybe that's the cache of affairs...it's the only time you live in the "now").<br /><br />Blah. What's my point? Just that it rings my head that if the sex is great in a marriage, it's the least of the problems...if the sex is horrible/whatever, then it becomes a HUGE problem in the marriage.<br /><br />2010. Figure it out bitch.<br /><br />******************************************<br />7:08 pm<br /><br />Today one of my best friend's told me she had a dream about me. That i was pregnant. But I wasn't concerned about the fact i was going to have a baby, because I had to run off to see a guy i was having an affair with.<br /><br />She gave much more detail (which i'm avoiding posting here in the odd chance she should ever come across t his site) but it was straight up as if I were pregnant now...the timeline, etc, it was so freaky. And no, she definitely doesn't know.<br /><br />I'm wondering if next year around the time of my expected due date, if i'll remember it. It'll be around June 11th.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-50469736817522831232008-08-22T10:50:00.000-07:002009-12-28T22:50:59.241-08:0073 Days Later - Christmas is over, finally.10:50am<br /><br />I don't even know what to write.<br /><br />It's still odd the things that can trigger me. Visiting inlaws, etc, that was all good. Even when I drove by a ghetto "choose life" poster sign while driving back yesterday,i was completely fine and reacted as i would have before.<br /><br />But then today, getting a pedicure reading some Good Housekeeping or whatever magazine there was an article about the "right" number of children for a family (it was just a profile of different families ranging from 1 to like 8 kids and why they ended up that way). There was one who had "0" kids but that was retarded...she had 1, he had 3, all from previous relationships, just that they can't have kids TOGETHER. WTF. That counted as 0?<br /><br />I was shocked that people with absolutely no offspring weren't represented...and it just made me so incredibly sad, and terrified of my future, i sat there trying not to crack in that chair.<br /><br />On a relationship note:<br />Things with Joey are relatively good, although I finally broached the subject that he has to apologize to my mom. That initially didn't go well, but geezus all i'm asking him to do is send an email saying "hey, hope your trip here was good, sorry if i was a little cranky there I was dealing wtih some laptop issues". He felt there was no need since at the end it was good, but i was like "you apologized to me at the end...what's the difference?".<br />The other thing was that during our trip, one night when he had drank a bit he was snoring so effing loud I had to move to the other bed in the hotel room close to the heater and pray the heater sound would drown it out. It didn't. I was up till 4am reading a book because i couldn't sleep. Then i cracked down and started crying...why? Because i was tired...because I longed to be with Chandler...because despite things going well, i'm not exactly overly happy...and as usual, sex is so-so...<br /><br />Things with Chandler: slowly repatching after last weekend, I'm not quick to forgive but I don't want to go around with a grudge. He was really good when I FINALLY got to speak and tell him how i was hurt about stuff...and he's been finallyfocusing on getting himself better and turning his life around, and pretty much letting me go.<br /><br />***************************************************************************<br />10:39pm<br /><br />Sigh. Who am I kidding.<br /><br />Let me get all retarded giddy Twilight teenager on you if you will, re: Chander:<br /><i> And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.</i><br /><br />2 weeks ago he said something to me during whatever drama, that while I love both of them, you can only be IN love with one, and he doesn't think i'm IN LOVE with my husband.<br /><br />This struck me, and I normallyfight and scoff at everything he says. however...he's right. That jackass is completely right. I love my husband. I cherish him, the thought of him hurting destroys me. And we have a huge investment in our lives..our house, our stuff, our friends, our families. <br /><br />But if he were to decide he no longer loved me, and it didn't hurt him at all and he was HAPPIER as a result...i think I would feel relief.<br /><br />I realized if I could snap my fingers and make me long/lust/love him the way i love Chandler, life would be perfect.<br /><br />WHY can't Chandler have his sh*t together?!<br /><br />The lifestyle stuff aside, i think we really would make a great team. I think most of our crap has been from the situation. I read somewhere that if like 6 months after an affair you're still digging it, then you can consider it seriously...I think at this point, 1.5 years into it...this isn't a fling and i've tried so many times to get over him.<br /><br />I'm going to stand by my desire to work through things with my husband. But no way around it...I am crazy head over heels crying-missing-him-wishing-we-were-always-together-never-get-tired-of-each-other in love with that boy.<br /><br />It doesn't help that tried with Joey tonight stuff...he couldn't finish...lovely, since that was the positive sign day of the ovulation stick thing...i know, why am i trying for a child with someone i'm not in love with...because he's my husband, because it's stable, because it's just EASIER, because my biological clock combined with the abortion has me seeing things in a way that's best for the child and not what's selfish for me, hurting everyone else around me.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Damn...Chandler can finish like 4 times a day without thinking twice...and they're both roughly the same age.</span>Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-30956981580538168512008-08-21T22:55:00.000-07:002009-12-23T23:02:41.265-08:0068 Days - held a baby10:56 pm<br /><br />Tonight did a double date, Joey and I with two new friends, a married couple who had a baby a few months ago.<br /><br />At one point she had to do something so she just tossed the baby my way (naturally...everyone wants to hold a baby right?! GOD i hope that if i should be blessed enough to be pregnant again that I won't do the things that people have done to me...geezus what if I had a miscarriage!?).<br /><br />I expected the baby to get fussy and cry, she was shy of 5 months. She sat on my lap, didn't cry, didn't fuss. Just chilled out. The past few years I always felt like babies knew how badly/desperately I wanted one of my own and i gave off a weird vibe. I thought I would give off an even worse vibe, the kind that toddlers and small children have noticed<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I'm so effing annoyed, welcome to the world of marriage, NO time alone, Joey just came upstairs, so naturally I can't flippin' unload how i'm feeling. Seriously when do I get time to be FUCKING ALONE?!</span>Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-81948642139370106502008-08-20T13:25:00.000-07:002009-12-22T16:04:07.180-08:0067 days later - raw raw raw1:25 pm<br /><br />I always forget people read this. Thanks for all the kind words folks. I don't know what to do. I just want to do RIGHT by people. I feel like a stupid idiot going back for more, although a huge beef has been his threatening to come over to my HOUSE...which is huge, for obvious reasons, but also...dude, you're in this WITH me. I have TRIED to cut this situation loose and in an entire year, only 2x has it been because of me that we're still talking, and one time was shortly after the abortion so give me a break.<br /><br />I take issue with other people trying to play God with other people's lives. It is not for you to be my moral police, especially when you're partially responsible.<br /><br />I'm really pissed at some of the events again last night. That makes Fri-Mon a "damn you're a dumping ground aren't you" mode for me. His words last night...i lost it big time, and after he slammed my door and walked off and called me names i finally yelled athim to f*ck off (if you knew me, you'd know that that's not in my nature to do).<br /><br />************************************************************************<br />4:02pm<br /><br />I wish I could go back in time.....damn that abortion. Damn everything surrounding it.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-72515329267537934362008-08-19T17:06:00.000-07:002009-12-21T21:38:27.989-08:0066 days later - The unforgiven5:13 pm<br /><br />Some crap with Chandler still...from the weekend...stuff that rings in my ears related to the abortion...i won't go into too much detail, but let's just say him screaming at me on the street and the use of the words "scrape" it plenty for you to get the idea.<br /><br />And while he's sorry,a nd while he started therapy, i can't be around for it.<br /><br />Really, my heart has broken a million times before but this was different...this was the "friend" glass, the onet hat despite our not being together romantically at least there was respect and understanding and just all-around caring. This glass was shattered hard and violently (metaphorically).<br /><br />**********************<br />9:36pm<br /><br />What the FUCK is wrong with me.<br /><br />When i extend the last of my olive branches...it leaves with me getting more name calling.<br /><br />He's on his own destructive path.<br /><br />I did however say how it hurts, he feels like i was trying to remove the little version of him from inside me...I don't exactly get to impress upon him how it's not like that, etc...since i get 1/2 a sentence...<br /><br />GOD i wish I were a lesbian. Men are more drama than women any day. I'm sick of having to be the strong one. Why aren't we the ones ruling the planet?Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-54023255463213955372008-08-17T23:47:00.000-07:002009-12-20T00:37:37.681-08:0064 days later - emotions abound11:47pm<br /><br />Some emotional sh*t going on...<br /><br />Stuff that makes me lose trust...but also made me realize that 100% of the Chandler stuff is on me. ANd that's hard. Hard not only because of the depth of what i feel for him, and the alternate universe, but also because i feel like i've been stringing him along when i thought we were on the same page.<br /><br />The abortion stuff came up, and he said some sh*tty sh*tty stuff...things that will echo in my ear for a long time...<br /><br />While men may think that they have it rough, they have no idea the emotional crap of being the one undergoing it. It's not even the afterstuff that is so bad, but the process itself is what makes it so horrific. The image of my legs, the room, the light, the doctor, the incredible searing pain in my hand, no one answering me when i kept wailing "what about my hand?! My hand! It hurts!"...them ignoring me...<br /><br />I was a number, i was just one of a billion.<br /><br />I searched my hand today, the scar from where they dinged me is totally gone. That was the last visible scar I had from that day.<br /><br />I just want peace with everything. I want things to just work out the way they should.<br /><br />If things work out with my marriage, and we're actually HAPPY...i will be so, so stoked. I just never give it a true shot. For as long as I'm talking to Chandler, I'm not making the effort with my marriage. And i truly do see that Joey is making an effort. The stuff with my family is one thing...but he's making efforts that he wasn't before.<br /><br />Am I not allowed to have that?<br /><br />***************************************<br /><br />12:20am<br /><br />Why couldn't I have met Chandler in another lifetime.<br />One where we could have had our child, assuming it was his (i'm not 100% sure obviously)<br />Sigh, he makes me feel like an absolute princess when things are good.<br /><br />It's been over a decade since I had to stop being in love with someone...i don't know where to begin. Especially when damn, seeing him like tonight...the red of the tears surrounding the pale blue of his eyes making me crumble...<br /><br />I wish I could remember why I told him I was pregnant. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't.<br /><br />Someone posted on Facebook a picture of me from when i was pregnant, i have anotehr picture from that night but I hadn't seen this one. Someone is pouring a bottle of wine for me in the pic, and I remember even thinking that night "i'm pregnant and I'm drinking". Even though I knew I was having the abortion, it still felt weird like some sort of social services folks were going to rush up and arrest me.<br /><br />In that picture, I look aged...i have crows feet in them with my fake plastered smile...all my pictures around that time were fake. I didn't feel comfortable in my skin, even worse than I do normally, it was such a weird feeling.<br /><br />I felt like my body was being hijacked, there was a takeover. The pregnancy didn't feel good or right.<br /><br />But then I remember the morning when all pregnancy symptoms disappeared, a few days after the surgery, and then I felt SUPER weird.<br /><br />I just hope that my desire for a family isn't blinding me from what is going on with Joey...i AM happy...for the most part...just the stuff as of late is really making me wonder...it's a mix of things going crazy well with Chandler and Joey being a complete asshole to my family.<br /><br />SIGH. I long to snap my fingers and make it all better. Somehow. Make Joey happy. Make Chandler happy. The both of them...they deserve love. They have BOTH wronged me, and i ahve resentment towards both, but in the grand scheme, they both deserve love and happiness.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-4273569246911273722008-08-16T10:36:00.000-07:002009-12-18T11:40:00.719-08:0063 days later - period finally ending10:40am<br /><br />FINALLY. Period is reaching the end. It was like i had been stabbed.<br /><br />When my family leaves on Sunday, it's full-on back to the gym to de-stress. Holidays and babies are bad bad bad. Back to the abortion workbooks too.<br /><br />*********************************************************<br />11:40am<br /><br />A friend of mine told me this today, knowing how badly I want a baby (one where i know who the father is!):<br /><br /><i>Well, yes, you gotta stay positive (although I know that can be hard). When I congratulated Janice she e-mailed me back and said that it took her two solid years of trying to get pregnant. Sometimes it can help to know that a lot of other people have a hard time with this stuff too; you’re not in it alone. But sometimes that doesn’t help at all, especially when you don’t really want to feel better, you just want it to happen. You will have a baby though Monica. You will. You want one so badly and it will happen for you – someway, somehow. </i><br /><br />That last line has me sitting here trying desperately hard not to vomit in my seat.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-83869714034947775552008-08-15T09:19:00.000-07:002009-12-17T22:42:18.654-08:0062 Days Later - tales from last night9:23 am<br /><br />So last night my work had this children's <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">christmas</span> party thing. I helped out last year with the "photos with Santa" part, so <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">theysigned</span> me up again despite that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">i've</span> got work conference stuff as well as family in town...i could have bailed, but I just didn't care and by then it was too late to back out.<br /><br />Okay confession, i saw Chandler at lunch and I mentioned to him that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">hmm</span>, maybe it wouldn't be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ag</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">ood</span> idea to do this...be around small children in masses like this while i <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">havent</span>' even worked through the abortion workbook because of the family visit and all. He offered to come out (it was family/friends/whatever) but i was like "no no it's okay"<br /><br />When i got there, i was overwhelmed. Plus i did indeed need help. So i called him, and he drove over. Not that he was able to do that much for me, i had the system of printing, putting in frames, dealing with crowds, all down to a quick science and there was a moment of awkwardness with one coworker who is very chatty and I didn't get much of a chance to stress he was a FRIEND, not my husband or anything, and I had to make SURE he saw us leaving in separate cars. Even though afterwords I took him out for a quick drink which brought me home around 10pm, i went straight to bed and then woke up at 5:30 for a meeting. But i digress.<br /><br />******************************************<br />10:33am<br /><br />So when I got to the holiday thing, just seeing people I worked with and their babies...two women who were pregnant when i started and their kids old enough to be in cute little outfits, etc...for some reason, seeing one guy I work with in particular...i don't know why. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Something ab</span>out seeing HIM with his little girl...it was hard as hell.<br /><br />Then i was just thinking about how if I were pregnant, i probably wouldn't even be stuck sitting doing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">tha</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">tjob</span>, or maybe I would <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">nad</span> people's wives would gush over my pregnancy (would i be showing that much? I have no idea). Or how in a year I would be the one taking pics of our family with "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">santa</span>", despite my loathing of Christmas.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">So when</span> it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">wa</span> all done I told Chandler to grab a drink with me, and when we parked he saw me crying...he rushed over to my car, threw open the door, gave <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">me a</span> big hug...he's like "that was your game face? Holy. i thought you were just feeling <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">awkward</span> 'cause it was a work thing. I didn't know it was like that for you". Yes...I spent 2 hours smiling and being phony.<br /><br />Damn that boy. Damn him for coming into my life when he did. Sigh and damn him for not having his sh*t together.<br /><br />I got home, and a book I had ordered came in, i wish I oculd put the title here but that's another thing i'm afraid might give me away (Joey would recognize the title), anyway it had a section about pregnancy and infidelity. The gist of it is...if you sleep with your husband a ton one month but have ONE one night stand, you are most likely going to get pregnant from the one night stand because your body chose the affair when you were at your peak fertility, when you were that turned on, whereas your everyday "boring" lover/boyfriend/husband you just did the deed but not when you were THAT turned on...which was reserved for the affair. I'm not fully explaining it right, but basically your body knows when it's fertile and it will get you pregnant when you're at your peak with the person your body thinks is the best viable father, regardless if you're aware of it or not.<br /><br />It's effing fascinating stuff.<br /><br />*******************************************************************<br />3:42pm<br />And there it is...<br /><br />I spend all day mixed between fighting to get over Chandler vs. realizing, holy sh*t i love that boy like there's no tomorrow, like warm fuzzy crap...then i find out that something i said last night upset him, and then somehow it got into stuff, and he's getting emotional, i'm hiding that i'm getting emotional, and then ihad to jet.<br /><br />I sent him some texts saying i was wrong (i was...kinda...not going to go into some other stuff, in the grand scheme of "pick your battles" it would have been more beneficial to just stop trying to explain my side, my viewpoint, what i meant, or even to try and make him feel better...i should have just said "you're right, i can see why that would bug you, i'm sorry" but therein lies a problem, the "sorry" part...lord help anyone who says sorry to him, you'll get ripped a new one every time), and while he's cool with stuff now, why am i still shaking?<br /><br />I hate admitting that i'm still in love with him, i hate that i've thought about him Edward/Bella style since i met him a year and a half ago, i hate that i imagine an alternate universe where we're husband and wife and all that crap. I hate that he makes me feel like the only woman alive, and that my weight doesnt' matter, I hate that even without makeup he can look at me like i'm miss america.<br /><br />grr. men.<br /><br />************************************************************<br />10:38 pm<br /><br />What do you do when you love two men?<br /><br />What do you do when you get so deep into this mess, you find yourself on an operating table, giving up the one thing that you so badly wanted.<br /><br />Your heart aches on all counts because with either of them, you're not getting what you truly want. But...if I gave, truly gave, 100% of myself to either, would I then get what i want?<br /><br />Sigh, i tried it with Joey, in the past...but I still have so much with Chandler that I want to shake and scream and say "wtf dude...FIX THIS...."...but what's his incentive? Sigh.<br /><br />Damn my husband for being "just enough" that I can't leave him, and damn Chandler for being too much to make me be able to leave as well.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-10369963312777885682008-08-14T08:24:00.000-07:002009-12-16T16:23:47.331-08:0061 Days Later - Like a dam burst8:49am<br /><br />My period started. It was like a dam burst. Or a pipe burst. At this rate tampons are just serving as plugs 'causae when i go to change them, so much gushes out it's like i've been stabbed. And i don't care if it's TMI, when you have an abortion blog that goes with the territory.<br /><br />*********************************************************<br />3:15 pm<br /><br />So...I invited Chandler to come to my work to meet me for lunch...damn when he's a doll, he's a complete doll. I do know though that when my family leaves and I can get back to the abortion workbook stuff, a lot of the anger in me will come back out again.<br /><br />Anyway, we were talking about weight and stuff, and he was basically saying that i looked great with some extra pounds on me back in October. He said it as "Well, you know the weight you were when you were pregnant, i thought you looked great etc etc"...and I was like "whoa. it's weird to hear someone say 'when you were pregnant'"....<br /><br />I mean, in my brain i think "abortion" more than "pregnant", but to HEAR it...it really makes it real. Like holy sh*t...<br />I<br />WAS<br />PREGNANT<br /><br />When i hear "pregnant" i think of my mom, i think of grownup things, i think of the type of person who gets the pink parking spots at Gelson's, that people give up their bench for so she can sit, who everyone gushes and oohhhs and ahhhs over.<br /><br />Basically I feel probably like one of thsoe people who had a big fat 401k and house and are now delivering pizzas. I feel like a loser...i HAD it...and i screwed it up.<br /><br />Again, to repeat, keeping it wasn't an option. It wasn't mine to keep. At least, that's what i told myself at the time. It was a little dude renting out space in my stomach. I didn't talk to it, it didn't talk to me, we kept to our own rooms and that was it. Until little dude got evicted without notice.<br /><br />Thank God i did it even slightly before the 5week mark (where they had to fudge it just so i could get the surgery)...otherwise i'd start freaking out about it maybe hurting. Which is stupid...i never subscribed to that, it's not like it was a full on person and all that...but that something inside of me felt a split second of excruciating pain...geezus i'm in a work thing right now and i'm finding myself needing to breathe into a paper bag.<br /><br />In other news, someone tried to hack into this Google account.<br /><br />Why do i keep hearing the "when you were pregnant" ringing in my head?<br /><br />In a weird way, it feels like a lifetime ago.<br /><br />I was definitely a different person back then.<br /><br />There are some key moments everyone has the defines who they are...some of them i can't list without it being obvious who i am, but a few are:<br />- when an ex-boyfriend put me in a highrisk situation, that when i was safe I was so effing grateful to no longer be a part of his ghetto scary druggie world<br />- when i got laid off for the first time from a "real" grownup job, i made some professional work rules and i've stuck by them ever since<br />- the day i got engaged<br /><br />And now...the day I had an abortion.<br /><br />I guess it's even more pivotal because I fell asleep being That Girl...and I woke up to become This Girl. I wasn't even awake for the transformation.<br />****************************************************************************<br /><br />4:23 pm<br /><br />I was on those Passboards or whatever, just perusing around...came across a chick's story...i really don't GET people who name their fetuses. No way in hell am i naming it...i don't even know if it was a boy or a girl, i don't know...it just seems bizarre to me. It's not like giving up a puppy. When it comes to naming it, i get very clinical and logical about.<br /><br />But in this chick's case, she named her aborted fetus/baby/whatever as Chandler's real name (<em>what...you thought that was his real name? :P) </em>Somehow seeing that name, in relation to an abortion...if i were to ever name my kid that (obviously it would follow with "Junior"), I couldn't IMAGINE aborting it...i don't know...i wish I could explain the feelings of seeing that. Joey's name in real life is unique so no one would use that name, but I adore Chandler's real name and just knowing someone aborted a child that WOULD have been another him out there...<br /><br />I don't know why this is blowing my mind.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-26992345610064901882008-08-13T10:32:00.000-07:002009-12-15T17:30:59.898-08:0060 Days Later - bad bad cramps again11:16am<br /><br />The pseudo period i got is resulting in nothing but cramps. No blood (i got all of like, 1/4 of a teaspoon yesterday at best,now it's all done), just cramps. Similar to the day i had the surgery. Like the ones i had last month...when I called the place where i had the surgery to freak out.<br /><br />Lovely. I now get monthly reminders in the form of pain to remind me that I had an abortion.<br /><br />Twice this week I've had some professional ask me about my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">babymaking</span></span> status. My optometrist and yesterday, my dentist. What if i was infertile? <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Geezus</span></span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">chr</span></span>1st stop asking me people. What if I just had a miscarriage?<br /><em>WHAT IF I JUST HAD AN ABORTION?!</em><br /><em></em><br />I'll cut them some slack because they're men. But really...people...please stop. Just stop.<br /><br />The whole thing still gets me upset. That i sucked out of me the very thing that I would kill to have (ironically). I'm at work in a room full of people right now and i STILL have to fight the tears that are welling up.<br /><br />This demon was quite the loud disturbing <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">house guest</span> when he first moved in. Now he has settled in nicely into his position and has taken a permanent role in tormenting me. How do you exorcise this type of demon?<br /><br />**********************************************************<br />1pm<br /><br />I caved and took the 800mg of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Ibuprofen</span> as per the abortion clinic's recommendation last month. It's not even the pain itself, but combined with knowing WHY i have the pain, it's making me miserable. Plus it feels like my uterus is about to fall out of my body, no joke.<br /><br />I made my annual girly exam checkup appointment, early January...no WAY am i gonna tell her about the abortion. The less people that know, the better. And the less "real" it makes it...sigh.<br /><br />The stress of my life from the past 2 years (marital woes, plus the abortion, and new job stuff) my hair has thinned like crazy. It's gotten me REALLY upset because...well...i'm vain. I don't think i'm attractive or hot or anything, but my appearance in terms of youthfulness MATTERS. It was starting to get thick again but then the abortion thing made it all go to hell in a handbasket. I asked my mom about her hair, thinking maybe it was hereditary, and she said she didn't start thinning out a bit till she was 40. Then she's been all "that's just SO ODD usually it thins out after you have a baby..." and all t he research I read online said the same thing.<br /><br />Yeah so odd...i didn't have a baby but I seem to have all the other symptoms and crap that go along with it. AWESOME.<br /><br />************************************************************<br />5:27pm<br /><br />Holy sh*t.<br /><br />My period came out of me like a dam bursting. I had on a pantyliner (just in case...it's not like it's normal for me to have NO period or just the 1/4 teaspoon), it soaked through that, through my underwear, a bit through my jeans (yay for dark jeans). Now it's like it won't stop. I can't begin to express the amount that has come out of me so far. It's like my body has all this pent-up blood.<br /><br />Maybe now my period will go back to normal and I won't still get cramps.<br /><br />I did more online estimating of when my due date would be. I mean, depending on what website you go to, i get different dates. Plus if you go from the date of my last period before the pregnancy vs. how far along they said i was...it's basically between June 7th and June 14th, which before the abortion i estimated it at June 11th, so now we have the full range. I wonder if I could have asked them what it would have been.<br /><br />I wonder if they would have known, their little ultrasound machine doodad.<br />I wonder if they would have told me.<br />I wonder if I would have asked if the thought had crossed my mind.<br />I wonder if I would be any more tormented than I am already.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-52694338398425986792008-08-12T11:16:00.000-07:002009-12-14T16:17:08.613-08:0059 Days Later - finally writing again11:17 am<br /><br />I can't begin to explain the crappiness that is my marriage right now. Really, things were going good. And then the ONE thing i asked, which was to be nice to my family, he didn't do. The final straw was when he snapped at ME last night...oh he knows he did something wrong because i've been cold as ice to him, andh e's been allhuggy and cuddly and sh*t.<br /><br />I have been one step from telling him that he can enjoy another Xmas without me, iw ould NEVER show his mother that type of disrespect. Never. It wouldn't cross my mind. I was stern with her, after a health scare because she wouldn't go to the doctor, but no way was I rude or disrespectful but I did lay the smackdown becuase I flew all the way up in order to make sure she was okay. And even then, i'm only putting that here to cover my bases because i don't think it was even a blip on anything that would be called inappropriate.<br /><br />I actually broke out in hives or some other nastiness on my back as a result of it. As well as fell back into an eating disorder thing.<br /><br />Of course in order to handle my stress, i started back up chatting with Chandler, another addiction i guess you can call it, what can i say...when he makes me smile, i'm beaming. I've been good to not tell him the details involving Joey because i used to do that in the past and it's not fair for anyone...it's not like i can go to Joey and bitch about Chandler. But if there's anything I know, it's that Chandler would give his left nut to be a part of my family, to meet them, to do their traditions, etc. ANd if he were a dick to my family (which i can't imagine he would be..i can imagine he would be to my friends for some reason if he felt threatened, but NEVEr to my family) I k now he'd man up and apologize asap.<br /><br />And i know i shouldn't compare, but f*ck it, for the week i've had if this is the only thing that's keeping me sane is my little fantasy world, then so be it.<br /><br />I've just been a crying mess about everything...about the abortion still, baby stuff, my husband's effing attitude, family stuff, so on and so forth. But when i say "crying mess" i mean, i plaster a smile on and then any moment i have alone (either when brushing my teeth or driving somewhere quickly). Just smile smile smile...sometimes i just get cranky, but it's general crankiness not a "seriously i'm so f*cking pissed at you" more like "what? NO i said i'm going to shower LAYYTERR!".<br /><br />Like i need to add to my list of guilt "husband is a rude, inconsiderate jerk to mother".<br /><br />In other news, i got a pseudo period again. It's so weird, i havent' had a "true" period (like, tampon-level) since August.<br /><br />Obviously post-surgery bleeding doesn't count as a period.<br /><br />A few weeks ago I had dark discharge for a brief moment. Same thing last night. At this rate, i'm starting to MISS my period (although it's nice to not have to spend $$ but it's not like i was spendign that much anyway). They told me to call on Dec 16th if i don't get my period and that's 2 days away, so we'll see what happens between now and then.<br /><br />***************************************************************************<br />4:16pm<br /><br />UGH ever since this abotion i've become such a wimp. I hate country music, but somehow i ended up listening to this song and the lyrics have me in tears...maybe because right now, i sure as hell don't feel this for my husband (and cried at lunch over how mad at him I am but i can't do anything because i know he'll shut down completely and be a dick for the rest of the week):<br /><br /><i>I set out on a narrow way, many years ago<br />Hoping I would find true love along the broken road<br />But I got lost a time or two<br />Wiped my brow and kept pushing through<br />I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you<br /><br />Every long lost dream led me to where you are<br />Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars<br />Pointing me on my way into your loving arms<br />This much I know is true<br /><br />That God blessed the broken road<br />That led me straight to you<br />Yes He did<br /><br />I think about the years I spent, just passing through<br />I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you<br />But you just smile and take my hand<br />You've been there, you understand<br />It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true<br /><br />Every long lost dream led me to where you are<br />Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars<br />Pointing me on my way into your loving arms<br />This much I know is true<br /><br />That God blessed the broken road<br />That led me straight to you<br /><br />But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms<br />This much I know is true<br /><br />That God blessed the broken road<br />That led me straight to you<br /><br />That God blessed the broken road<br />That led me straight to you</i>Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-44435369949288898302008-08-05T23:48:00.000-07:002009-12-14T11:16:12.954-08:0056 days later - it never stops11:48 pm<br /><br />More baby issues...you see a birth scene on tv and you bawl. Sigh.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-33695138192793549092008-08-04T18:58:00.000-07:002009-12-10T18:58:55.097-08:0055 days later - baby dreams6:58pm<br /><br />More baby dreams last night. Bad baby dreams.<br /><br />Can't even type any more than this crap because of the usual family sh*t that's going on right now. I would kill for some effing privacy.Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3237696998510675707.post-87621096625362786192008-08-03T16:04:00.000-07:002009-12-09T22:54:37.258-08:0054 Days Later - no time to think4:04 pm<br /><br />Seems i've been swamped with work combined with this family visit.<br /><br />Last night I lost it...i was gripping my bathroom counter trying not to cry...especially when my mother (after i yelled at her for something) said "what would you do if your daughter talked to you that way?"<br /><br />I can't explain what that did to me. I just can't.<br /><br />***************************************************<br />9:17pm<br /><br />Geezus fucking christ. Family issues, Joey snapping at me saying I snapped athim, I tried apologizing and he said "i don't want to talk to you right now"...me: "i'm saying i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, i won't continue to snap, i'm sorry" and he's ignoring me now. WTF. Chandler bitchy-ass email yesterday, now this crap from Joey today.<br /><br />Men are a bunch of fucking p*ssies.<br /><br />And i'm attempting to write in this to explain how I went to the mall and Firefox fucking crashed, anyway if you had an abortion and would be pregnant over xmas, then do yourself a favor and just buy ALL your gifts online that December because it is the most depressing, gut-wrenching t hing. And i HATE Xmas.<br /><br />Anyway, I now have to suck up to Joey or else he'll take out my one-time snapping out on my mom which will then prompt me to have to consider divorcing him, because he did that LAST time I saw her, and that was unacceptable and part of hte reason I left him the first time.<br /><br />It's sad when you find being at work to be less stressful and enjoyable then your own damn home life.<br /><br />**********************************************************************88<br />10:29 pm<br /><br />Yesterday Chandler misquoted me on something in order to make a snarky comment,<br />that I only need him when things are crappy.<br /><br />How little he knows when things are crappy...how much this plagues me...he has no idea. I've tried my best with him, to show him it's not like that. This will haunt me long past what he, or anyone would ever think. I turn to him for a small part of it, there's times he's seen most of it but only for small glimpses before I get a grip...before I may have felt like a fraud to others, now I feel like a fraud to myself, to my own mind even when I'm feeling kind of good...I feel like a fraud. I'm a fraud on every level of my soul.<br /><br />To get rid of something that I so desperately wanted...<br /><br />And i know I couldn't have kept it.<br /><br />But my resentment for a lot of things is growing..my resentment towards Chandler for so MANY flippin' things that I was WAYYYYYYY too cool about when he would ask for forgiveness...i'm angry at Joey for only NOW giving a crap about the fertility stuff, I'm mad at myself for thinking it wasn't a big deal, I'm mad at myself for not following relationship rules in sequence and not "overlapping" and falling for one while dealing with a crappy marriage, i'm resentful at everyone, i'm resentful at friends with kids....<br /><br />I'm resentful because I never seem to have any DAMN ALONE TIME TO SORT OUT MY FUCKING FEELINGS...Joey coming up behind me while I"m trying to be stealth and write this in Notepad...i'm mad becuase I know he wants to get it on tonight and I've been spoiled by the awesomeness and chemistry with Chandler...<br /><br /><br />When will i ever get a frickin' chance to process this once and for all?!??!?!?!Monica Gellerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18335477275503676031noreply@blogger.com2