I'm really having an abortion?

90 Days Later

2008-09-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

It's getting hard to keep track of how many days it's been since the abortion, since i'm not writing every day but i'm fudging the dates.

placenta sandwich said...: The counseling thing sort of shocks me. In my training and various jobs it's been the assumed standard of care. I've always known that procedures can vary quite a bit among clinics, but most of the people I've gotten to know in the field who worked at other places seemed to have the same expectations: sure, a lot of women might not need a whole lot of talking before or after, but it's better for a patient to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, so we should do our best to make sure the steps are described, the questions are answered, the aftercare is explained, and the patient has an idea of whether she'll cope well afterward. Blah, it makes me really upset that they didn't give you what you needed.

It was very , very clinical. When i say i felt like Patient X, i wasn't kidding...no one talked to me other than the formalities. Like when i made the phone call it was "okay here's the time slot, here's what you need to bring". Every question I had outside of the norm (mostly about the surgeon's lawsuit), everyone seemed clueless. Most of the women i dealt with were barely older than 27 i would guess, minus the actual medical people themselves (4 of those total, and that includes the surgeon). We were shuttled along like cattle.

In other news, I saw Chandler briefly last night, and damn he looked so good...it was hard to not picture what a baby with him would look like if i knew it was his or not. Damn him and life for not making thing different. Well, mostly him...a lot of things i feel were within his control, and still are.

I don't want to say i'm "over" the abortion, but it's such a distant memory to me. The only time it really gets to me is if i think of some of the sh*tty things Chandler has said to me, or when i imagine the surgery room...the pain in my hand...GOD i can still feel it if i think about it...and having your legs spread open, the door open, legs in stirrups, it was the most humiliating experience of my life, easily.

88 Days Later - no news to report

2008-09-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

I don't really have any news to report. I'm not emotional over the abortion at all, baby stuff hasnt' really gotten to me, and Chandler is just being...depressed and "blah". I tried cheering him up yesterady and he gave me a "while it's great that you're happy and your life is going great, i feel like you're rubbing it in my face". Because i sent him a text telling him to smile. That's it.

So, whatever, i put in a bit of effort last night, one last one this morning, i'm not going to let him bring me down. He's a classic psych book right now, and he actually got my hopes up when he said something in his life was going to change on Saturday. Well, so much for that.

the more i think about it, the more i realize how much of the crappy things in his life are his own fault. Getting booted out of the first apt for shooting off hsi mouth, losing his first job definitely because he rubbed that boss lady the wrong way (he knows nothing about the way the corporate world works...if someone is your superior, regardless if you report to them or not, you don't act like an unlikeable dick! It's the same as biting the hand that feeds you). Then losing the next job, again was his fault for spamming Joey with texts about me (which is a whole other issue, that i'm not over and for my own protection, won't be over).

I paid for him to join a sports team with me, and instead of getting chummy with the MEN...he got chummy with the women. It's like he's begging for drama. Why would you do that?! And the whole 'i was raised by women' is such BS. I was raised around 99% men, you don't see me chumming up and only being friends with the guys. It's not appropriate and it just causes problems. Had he chummed up to the guys, then he'd have "ins" for networking purposes, etc. All of those guys are pretty-to-very successful...those are the people he should have created frienships with.

Sigh.

If he wants to struggle his entire life, that's his choice. I'm making 2010 great. Either he can get on board or he can sit and pout. I'm not coddling him anymore.

In other news I realized now that I'm not spending $$ on drinks, food, etc for him and I anymore...i have a lot more disposable cash. so i bought 2 pairs of boots and 3 bras from VS. While it feels good to help others, i'm not gonna lie...being able to splurge guilt-free on stuff for myself feels pretty damn good.

84 Days Later - part 2

2008-09-02T22:28:00.000-07:00

10:30 pm

HUGE blowup with Chandler today.

The killer part was that he said I didn't consider his feelings. Now keep in mind, at the time it was like it had NO father. I just couldn't associate it with that.

But that I didn't wrack my brains over this, about raising a baby with him, about his wants/needs in terms of a family...that was such a low blow. I was like "I'm not accepting that...i have a journal that i've written in every day, i KNOW how much i thought of you".

More words...about my arrogance regarding the abortion. Arrogance. I was a disaster. I was disassociated.

The hand. The pain in the hand. The searing horrible hot poker pain in my hand.

He told me the day of the surgery I looked like a little girl curled up in the back of his car. Where was my arrogance then?!

All the times I've cried, beating myself up over it...where was my arrogance?

You think I"m arrogant because i weighed out EVERYONE'S lives, not just your own? What, i'm supposed to consider it FIFTY FIFTY? That is such BS...anyone who has the option of bailing, when it may not even be his, anyone who isn't glued to the "problem" 24/7 does NOT have the same amount of consideration.

Did it cross his mind about THE BABY? What he went through being juggled between parents? About how the baby would ask why there's no pictures of daddy while i'm pregnant? Why we don't talk to his/her grandmother? Why he/she can never learn his/her heritage from anyone but me? How the stress of it all will trickle down to the baby, and the baby would have been the ultimate victim.

Him wanting to keep the baby isn't for the sake of the baby itself...it's because it would have made HIM feel better, it would have added meaning to HIS life. So it's arrogant of me to think that risking a baby's life...and 10 months + a lifetime of mine...for his own needs?

And this is all stuff I never get to say. Being silenced. Being told that I can't write much, but he's allowed to write 4-line IMs. How he wants special treatment...is he the only one going through this pseudo breakup?

The push, push, pushing that he does...and then pulling back...it just plain HURTS.

And now, the things he said today...

You can't have loved someone if you can say those things. And looking back at all the other "meltdowns" he's had (averaging one every 2-3 months), he wanted mulligans on those words too...

He didn't love me.

He loved the IDEA of me.

And that stings so flippin' much, because I thought it was genuine and true. Despite feeling like I wasn't good enough, because he kept getting so angry at the drop of a pin...i tiptoed around him for an entire year (not very good, but i did...in his own words, he's a powder keg. He was like that ALL year, not just today).

If you really do love someone, and you can't make it work...you don't squeeze every last drop. You let them go for THEIR sake. How many times did i try that? Where i was like "holy sh*t, i'm killing me but i'm killing HIM. this has to stop. just end it. Just stop everything".

I'm babbling.

I fell in love with someone and went through everything (and seriously, it was no fucking picnic, which he only remembers in the good times that oh yeah...to quote...i stood by him more than anyone ever has or would)...all for nothing. Because when he gets an idea in his mind, he runs with it, he makes it up and just runs with it.

He is a bull in a china shop, and i was the only one in that china shop last year. I thought i made it out alive. I thought we'd be okay.

Not to say that i'm flawless. That's not what i'm saying. But i can only speak for my side in teh grand scheme.

My heart and head aches.
I hope he's okay tonight. Please please don't let him relapse, or even get drunk and do something stupid. Please just let him be safe. And not hurting like this.

84 Days Later - PASS Workbook Section 1

2008-09-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

10:38 am

Soit's impossible to hand-write my workbook stuff becuase i type much faster, my hand doesn't cramp up, and it's not like "oh whatcha writing there?" for others to see.

Step 3: Make a list of EVERYONE who was involved with you:
a) getting pregnant
b)deciding to have the abortion
c)participating int he abortion

Joey - 18% - for rarely wanting sex, for making me uncomfortable about sex or making me feel bad about myself, for not being proactive about HIS "abilities", for putting the onus of everything on me not realizing that people view ME like i'm the broken on, and wanting to just feel GOOD about myself, which lead to the affair. For making me unsure if he's even able to have kids because he didn't care to find out, so i never could even guess if it was his. For being so clueless that his wife had an abortion.
Chandler - 18% - for not even being a possible father option, his emotional and financial states were just too jacked up. For the horrible things he said that he can't take back. For being delusional into thinking that he could help raise it (really? you'd rob a bank? that was your solution?). For fighting with me every day until that point, for fighting with me a few hours after because HE was insecure that i was then going to leave him.
FPA clinic - 4% - for not having counselors available before and after. For $400, damn right you can take a few mins for that.
Me - 25% - obviously.
Friends/Social Circle/Family - 15% - for being so rigid and close-minded, for making it so that there's no way i could ever be with any of them if i got pregnant and it turned out to be someone else's. Very few would have stood by me.
The doctor - 3% - just for his lawsuit online and freaking me the eff out.
The anesthesiologist - 17% - for making the whole thing "real", for the incredible physical pain, for not answering me, for making something really bad turn into a complete nightmare.

Step 4 - assign an anger number and write a letter to that person about it.

(to be continued)

82 Days Later - tired

2008-08-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

2:38 pm
I'm super tired again lately. Is it the stress from the breakup with Chandler? The stress from focusing on my marriage?
I started to freak out wondering if i was this tired when i was pregnant before, i.e. am i pregnant now...which if i was, i doubt the excessive amount of Cipro and Diflucan would make my eggs viable this month.

81 Days Later - maybe i can stop counting

2008-08-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

12:31pm

So today I don't have much to report emotion-wise, although yesterday I was a basket of nerves. All it takes is a few prodding questions from Chandler and i'm a mess, i was bawling the way home from work.

I went to the doctor and discussed my hair loss and stuff, she took a boatload of blood samples and a thyroid ultrasound. What's funny is how often i'm asked "and you havent' had any kids?"...no, i had a fetus, but no kid.

And then everyone says it's stress, and i tell them "my life isn't stressful, this is just regular LIFE. My job isn't stressful, i veg out and watch tv all the time, blah blah". But deep down, I know the stress..the abortion was huge, let alone juggling 2 relationships.

I had my pap smear and the chick comments on how there's still yeast from my YI (gross, i know...i haven't had a YI in years), and i look at her swap and it's covered in blood. I immediately freak out, thinking ti's something to do with the abortion, like maybe i didn't heal properly, but she told me that it's fine, she used a "brush" and it scrapes (hate that word now) and can sometimes cause a bit of bleeding.

She had no idea about the abortion, and i'm keeping it that way.

Before the abortion I worked out pretty regularly, i haven't done much since. I went last night with a friend but we talked the whole time. So i'm trying to make it a point to get over the intial "hump" of working out (where you feel like a flabby weakling), it's very daunting though...getting back to the regular routine of life.

*********
8:18pm

A friend was leaving the country, had a going away shindig for her. She said to me not to get pregnant while she's gone.

80 Days Later - why are men such little bitches?

2008-08-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

10:36am

Let's see, so far today Chandler has had two hissy fits which included his usual "later" comments as he leaves IM (which is so retarded, because he usually gets back on within a minute, so doing so is basically just his version of giving the middle finger). Dude needs a lesson in effing manners.

And all of this just triggers memories of unresolved fights past, and why even if I were single, it would never work.

I'm feeling good about 2010. I really am. It took a long while to get to this point, but having a new year and a new decade allow for a clean slate.

The pain does eventually go down. Not completely...but a good chunk

79 Days Later - cried again

2008-08-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

7:40pm

Things are just weird with Chandler, what with this "take it down a notch sort of friendship get over each other" crap.

TLC had all sorts of sex tv shows a few days ago that i recorded, I was watching one called "STrange Sex", about sexual disorders. Thought it would be about some freaky-ass stuff (which it was) until one condition came up where a chick was allergic to her husband's sperm (man that would SUCK). Anyway, they were talking about wanting a child and what not...i burst out in tears.

I wish i could pinpoint why. Maybe it was because I felt so bad for them, and I've BEEN there, i understand the frustration of not understanding what's going on in your sex life. Or maybe it's that I turn into the comparisons, of Joey as a father vs. Chandler as the father.

78 Days Later - interesting thought

2008-08-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

4:53 pm

Interesting thing I read, how like 15% of all children born are through affairs (known mostly by guys who demand paternity tests 'cause they don't want to pay child support, etc, so factor that into the math if you will), but the number of children CONCEIVED through affairs is higher...but a woman is more likely to have an abortion if she had an affair and gets pregnant.

Gee, you think?

76 Days Later - NYE

2008-08-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

6:05 pm

Real quick, Chandler's texts:

"Everything will be as its meant to be. And no matter what you r and ALWAYS will be the love of my life. U r perfect right now...perfect"

"I mean those words with all of my heart...you are the most special person to ever enter my life. And you ARE BEAUTIFUL".

Friend bucket, friend bucket, friend bucket...

75 Days Later - newz

2008-08-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

10am
really? I had to hear about someone else being pregnant...AGAIN?

This girl in particular is adorable, teenie, funny, liked by EVERYONE and possibly the coolest girl on the planet. The only girl I know with a ton of tattoos but they're cute and they suit her, they're not tacky.

She already was the most gorgeous pregnant girl the first time...and now she's pregnant again.

I feel like the biggest loser alive.

74 Days Later - year is wrapping up

2008-08-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

8:31am

"Working" from home today. I always look forward to the holidays so that I can get my crap done, but somehow I never get as much done as I wish.

Time...I never seem to have time....

Last night, had sex with Joey...sigh. That was a huge problem after we got married, and I tried everything i could...we are just straight up not compatible in that way. Right down to one time he made a comment about how i'm getting older and it's not his fault I have a high sex drive, and was I ever raped as a kid because why do I like it so rough etc...now it's where I have to watch my teeth, my nails, my noise levels, how hard i pull him in, etc...basically anything that shows any sign of passion on my part, i need to not do. I feel like there's so much restraint on my part that i'm just waiting for it to be over.

I had joined all sorts of forums, about when a spouse has a high sex drive vs. the other, and the strain it puts, and usually it's the GUY who bitches...so when it's the wife, it's even harder. I guess because we're supposed to be used to the pressure of someone wanting it, not us. Blah. You think it's "just sex" and down the road, what will matter...like when i'm 60, sex probably won't matter. Well...that's 30 years away. And at the time i was married, that was 35 years away. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that important because of the future (I worry more about the future than the present, however the present in my world never meets the future. It's always worrying about tomorrow, not today. Maybe that's the cache of affairs...it's the only time you live in the "now").

Blah. What's my point? Just that it rings my head that if the sex is great in a marriage, it's the least of the problems...if the sex is horrible/whatever, then it becomes a HUGE problem in the marriage.

2010. Figure it out bitch.

******************************************
7:08 pm

Today one of my best friend's told me she had a dream about me. That i was pregnant. But I wasn't concerned about the fact i was going to have a baby, because I had to run off to see a guy i was having an affair with.

She gave much more detail (which i'm avoiding posting here in the odd chance she should ever come across t his site) but it was straight up as if I were pregnant now...the timeline, etc, it was so freaky. And no, she definitely doesn't know.

I'm wondering if next year around the time of my expected due date, if i'll remember it. It'll be around June 11th.

73 Days Later - Christmas is over, finally.

2008-08-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

10:50am

I don't even know what to write.

It's still odd the things that can trigger me. Visiting inlaws, etc, that was all good. Even when I drove by a ghetto "choose life" poster sign while driving back yesterday,i was completely fine and reacted as i would have before.

But then today, getting a pedicure reading some Good Housekeeping or whatever magazine there was an article about the "right" number of children for a family (it was just a profile of different families ranging from 1 to like 8 kids and why they ended up that way). There was one who had "0" kids but that was retarded...she had 1, he had 3, all from previous relationships, just that they can't have kids TOGETHER. WTF. That counted as 0?

I was shocked that people with absolutely no offspring weren't represented...and it just made me so incredibly sad, and terrified of my future, i sat there trying not to crack in that chair.

On a relationship note:
Things with Joey are relatively good, although I finally broached the subject that he has to apologize to my mom. That initially didn't go well, but geezus all i'm asking him to do is send an email saying "hey, hope your trip here was good, sorry if i was a little cranky there I was dealing wtih some laptop issues". He felt there was no need since at the end it was good, but i was like "you apologized to me at the end...what's the difference?".
The other thing was that during our trip, one night when he had drank a bit he was snoring so effing loud I had to move to the other bed in the hotel room close to the heater and pray the heater sound would drown it out. It didn't. I was up till 4am reading a book because i couldn't sleep. Then i cracked down and started crying...why? Because i was tired...because I longed to be with Chandler...because despite things going well, i'm not exactly overly happy...and as usual, sex is so-so...

Things with Chandler: slowly repatching after last weekend, I'm not quick to forgive but I don't want to go around with a grudge. He was really good when I FINALLY got to speak and tell him how i was hurt about stuff...and he's been finallyfocusing on getting himself better and turning his life around, and pretty much letting me go.

***************************************************************************
10:39pm

Sigh. Who am I kidding.

Let me get all retarded giddy Twilight teenager on you if you will, re: Chander:
And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

2 weeks ago he said something to me during whatever drama, that while I love both of them, you can only be IN love with one, and he doesn't think i'm IN LOVE with my husband.

This struck me, and I normallyfight and scoff at everything he says. however...he's right. That jackass is completely right. I love my husband. I cherish him, the thought of him hurting destroys me. And we have a huge investment in our lives..our house, our stuff, our friends, our families.

But if he were to decide he no longer loved me, and it didn't hurt him at all and he was HAPPIER as a result...i think I would feel relief.

I realized if I could snap my fingers and make me long/lust/love him the way i love Chandler, life would be perfect.

WHY can't Chandler have his sh*t together?!

The lifestyle stuff aside, i think we really would make a great team. I think most of our crap has been from the situation. I read somewhere that if like 6 months after an affair you're still digging it, then you can consider it seriously...I think at this point, 1.5 years into it...this isn't a fling and i've tried so many times to get over him.

I'm going to stand by my desire to work through things with my husband. But no way around it...I am crazy head over heels crying-missing-him-wishing-we-were-always-together-never-get-tired-of-each-other in love with that boy.

It doesn't help that tried with Joey tonight stuff...he couldn't finish...lovely, since that was the positive sign day of the ovulation stick thing...i know, why am i trying for a child with someone i'm not in love with...because he's my husband, because it's stable, because it's just EASIER, because my biological clock combined with the abortion has me seeing things in a way that's best for the child and not what's selfish for me, hurting everyone else around me.

Damn...Chandler can finish like 4 times a day without thinking twice...and they're both roughly the same age.

68 Days - held a baby

2008-08-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

10:56 pm

Tonight did a double date, Joey and I with two new friends, a married couple who had a baby a few months ago.

At one point she had to do something so she just tossed the baby my way (naturally...everyone wants to hold a baby right?! GOD i hope that if i should be blessed enough to be pregnant again that I won't do the things that people have done to me...geezus what if I had a miscarriage!?).

I expected the baby to get fussy and cry, she was shy of 5 months. She sat on my lap, didn't cry, didn't fuss. Just chilled out. The past few years I always felt like babies knew how badly/desperately I wanted one of my own and i gave off a weird vibe. I thought I would give off an even worse vibe, the kind that toddlers and small children have noticed

I'm so effing annoyed, welcome to the world of marriage, NO time alone, Joey just came upstairs, so naturally I can't flippin' unload how i'm feeling. Seriously when do I get time to be FUCKING ALONE?!

67 days later - raw raw raw

2008-08-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

1:25 pm

I always forget people read this. Thanks for all the kind words folks. I don't know what to do. I just want to do RIGHT by people. I feel like a stupid idiot going back for more, although a huge beef has been his threatening to come over to my HOUSE...which is huge, for obvious reasons, but also...dude, you're in this WITH me. I have TRIED to cut this situation loose and in an entire year, only 2x has it been because of me that we're still talking, and one time was shortly after the abortion so give me a break.

I take issue with other people trying to play God with other people's lives. It is not for you to be my moral police, especially when you're partially responsible.

I'm really pissed at some of the events again last night. That makes Fri-Mon a "damn you're a dumping ground aren't you" mode for me. His words last night...i lost it big time, and after he slammed my door and walked off and called me names i finally yelled athim to f*ck off (if you knew me, you'd know that that's not in my nature to do).

************************************************************************
4:02pm

I wish I could go back in time.....damn that abortion. Damn everything surrounding it.

66 days later - The unforgiven

2008-08-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

5:13 pm

Some crap with Chandler still...from the weekend...stuff that rings in my ears related to the abortion...i won't go into too much detail, but let's just say him screaming at me on the street and the use of the words "scrape" it plenty for you to get the idea.

And while he's sorry,a nd while he started therapy, i can't be around for it.

Really, my heart has broken a million times before but this was different...this was the "friend" glass, the onet hat despite our not being together romantically at least there was respect and understanding and just all-around caring. This glass was shattered hard and violently (metaphorically).

**********************
9:36pm

What the FUCK is wrong with me.

When i extend the last of my olive branches...it leaves with me getting more name calling.

He's on his own destructive path.

I did however say how it hurts, he feels like i was trying to remove the little version of him from inside me...I don't exactly get to impress upon him how it's not like that, etc...since i get 1/2 a sentence...

GOD i wish I were a lesbian. Men are more drama than women any day. I'm sick of having to be the strong one. Why aren't we the ones ruling the planet?

64 days later - emotions abound

2008-08-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

11:47pm

Some emotional sh*t going on...

Stuff that makes me lose trust...but also made me realize that 100% of the Chandler stuff is on me. ANd that's hard. Hard not only because of the depth of what i feel for him, and the alternate universe, but also because i feel like i've been stringing him along when i thought we were on the same page.

The abortion stuff came up, and he said some sh*tty sh*tty stuff...things that will echo in my ear for a long time...

While men may think that they have it rough, they have no idea the emotional crap of being the one undergoing it. It's not even the afterstuff that is so bad, but the process itself is what makes it so horrific. The image of my legs, the room, the light, the doctor, the incredible searing pain in my hand, no one answering me when i kept wailing "what about my hand?! My hand! It hurts!"...them ignoring me...

I was a number, i was just one of a billion.

I searched my hand today, the scar from where they dinged me is totally gone. That was the last visible scar I had from that day.

I just want peace with everything. I want things to just work out the way they should.

If things work out with my marriage, and we're actually HAPPY...i will be so, so stoked. I just never give it a true shot. For as long as I'm talking to Chandler, I'm not making the effort with my marriage. And i truly do see that Joey is making an effort. The stuff with my family is one thing...but he's making efforts that he wasn't before.

Am I not allowed to have that?

***************************************

12:20am

Why couldn't I have met Chandler in another lifetime.
One where we could have had our child, assuming it was his (i'm not 100% sure obviously)
Sigh, he makes me feel like an absolute princess when things are good.

It's been over a decade since I had to stop being in love with someone...i don't know where to begin. Especially when damn, seeing him like tonight...the red of the tears surrounding the pale blue of his eyes making me crumble...

I wish I could remember why I told him I was pregnant. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't.

Someone posted on Facebook a picture of me from when i was pregnant, i have anotehr picture from that night but I hadn't seen this one. Someone is pouring a bottle of wine for me in the pic, and I remember even thinking that night "i'm pregnant and I'm drinking". Even though I knew I was having the abortion, it still felt weird like some sort of social services folks were going to rush up and arrest me.

In that picture, I look aged...i have crows feet in them with my fake plastered smile...all my pictures around that time were fake. I didn't feel comfortable in my skin, even worse than I do normally, it was such a weird feeling.

I felt like my body was being hijacked, there was a takeover. The pregnancy didn't feel good or right.

But then I remember the morning when all pregnancy symptoms disappeared, a few days after the surgery, and then I felt SUPER weird.

I just hope that my desire for a family isn't blinding me from what is going on with Joey...i AM happy...for the most part...just the stuff as of late is really making me wonder...it's a mix of things going crazy well with Chandler and Joey being a complete asshole to my family.

SIGH. I long to snap my fingers and make it all better. Somehow. Make Joey happy. Make Chandler happy. The both of them...they deserve love. They have BOTH wronged me, and i ahve resentment towards both, but in the grand scheme, they both deserve love and happiness.

63 days later - period finally ending

2008-08-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

10:40am

FINALLY. Period is reaching the end. It was like i had been stabbed.

When my family leaves on Sunday, it's full-on back to the gym to de-stress. Holidays and babies are bad bad bad. Back to the abortion workbooks too.

*********************************************************
11:40am

A friend of mine told me this today, knowing how badly I want a baby (one where i know who the father is!):

Well, yes, you gotta stay positive (although I know that can be hard). When I congratulated Janice she e-mailed me back and said that it took her two solid years of trying to get pregnant. Sometimes it can help to know that a lot of other people have a hard time with this stuff too; you’re not in it alone. But sometimes that doesn’t help at all, especially when you don’t really want to feel better, you just want it to happen. You will have a baby though Monica. You will. You want one so badly and it will happen for you – someway, somehow.

That last line has me sitting here trying desperately hard not to vomit in my seat.

62 Days Later - tales from last night

2008-08-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

9:23 am

So last night my work had this children's christmas party thing. I helped out last year with the "photos with Santa" part, so theysigned me up again despite that i've got work conference stuff as well as family in town...i could have bailed, but I just didn't care and by then it was too late to back out.

Okay confession, i saw Chandler at lunch and I mentioned to him that hmm, maybe it wouldn't be ag ood idea to do this...be around small children in masses like this while i havent' even worked through the abortion workbook because of the family visit and all. He offered to come out (it was family/friends/whatever) but i was like "no no it's okay"

When i got there, i was overwhelmed. Plus i did indeed need help. So i called him, and he drove over. Not that he was able to do that much for me, i had the system of printing, putting in frames, dealing with crowds, all down to a quick science and there was a moment of awkwardness with one coworker who is very chatty and I didn't get much of a chance to stress he was a FRIEND, not my husband or anything, and I had to make SURE he saw us leaving in separate cars. Even though afterwords I took him out for a quick drink which brought me home around 10pm, i went straight to bed and then woke up at 5:30 for a meeting. But i digress.

******************************************
10:33am

So when I got to the holiday thing, just seeing people I worked with and their babies...two women who were pregnant when i started and their kids old enough to be in cute little outfits, etc...for some reason, seeing one guy I work with in particular...i don't know why. Something about seeing HIM with his little girl...it was hard as hell.

Then i was just thinking about how if I were pregnant, i probably wouldn't even be stuck sitting doing tha tjob, or maybe I would nad people's wives would gush over my pregnancy (would i be showing that much? I have no idea). Or how in a year I would be the one taking pics of our family with "santa", despite my loathing of Christmas.

So when it wa all done I told Chandler to grab a drink with me, and when we parked he saw me crying...he rushed over to my car, threw open the door, gave me a big hug...he's like "that was your game face? Holy. i thought you were just feeling awkward 'cause it was a work thing. I didn't know it was like that for you". Yes...I spent 2 hours smiling and being phony.

Damn that boy. Damn him for coming into my life when he did. Sigh and damn him for not having his sh*t together.

I got home, and a book I had ordered came in, i wish I oculd put the title here but that's another thing i'm afraid might give me away (Joey would recognize the title), anyway it had a section about pregnancy and infidelity. The gist of it is...if you sleep with your husband a ton one month but have ONE one night stand, you are most likely going to get pregnant from the one night stand because your body chose the affair when you were at your peak fertility, when you were that turned on, whereas your everyday "boring" lover/boyfriend/husband you just did the deed but not when you were THAT turned on...which was reserved for the affair. I'm not fully explaining it right, but basically your body knows when it's fertile and it will get you pregnant when you're at your peak with the person your body thinks is the best viable father, regardless if you're aware of it or not.

It's effing fascinating stuff.

*******************************************************************
3:42pm
And there it is...

I spend all day mixed between fighting to get over Chandler vs. realizing, holy sh*t i love that boy like there's no tomorrow, like warm fuzzy crap...then i find out that something i said last night upset him, and then somehow it got into stuff, and he's getting emotional, i'm hiding that i'm getting emotional, and then ihad to jet.

I sent him some texts saying i was wrong (i was...kinda...not going to go into some other stuff, in the grand scheme of "pick your battles" it would have been more beneficial to just stop trying to explain my side, my viewpoint, what i meant, or even to try and make him feel better...i should have just said "you're right, i can see why that would bug you, i'm sorry" but therein lies a problem, the "sorry" part...lord help anyone who says sorry to him, you'll get ripped a new one every time), and while he's cool with stuff now, why am i still shaking?

I hate admitting that i'm still in love with him, i hate that i've thought about him Edward/Bella style since i met him a year and a half ago, i hate that i imagine an alternate universe where we're husband and wife and all that crap. I hate that he makes me feel like the only woman alive, and that my weight doesnt' matter, I hate that even without makeup he can look at me like i'm miss america.

grr. men.

************************************************************
10:38 pm

What do you do when you love two men?

What do you do when you get so deep into this mess, you find yourself on an operating table, giving up the one thing that you so badly wanted.

Your heart aches on all counts because with either of them, you're not getting what you truly want. But...if I gave, truly gave, 100% of myself to either, would I then get what i want?

Sigh, i tried it with Joey, in the past...but I still have so much with Chandler that I want to shake and scream and say "wtf dude...FIX THIS...."...but what's his incentive? Sigh.

Damn my husband for being "just enough" that I can't leave him, and damn Chandler for being too much to make me be able to leave as well.

61 Days Later - Like a dam burst

2008-08-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

8:49am

My period started. It was like a dam burst. Or a pipe burst. At this rate tampons are just serving as plugs 'causae when i go to change them, so much gushes out it's like i've been stabbed. And i don't care if it's TMI, when you have an abortion blog that goes with the territory.

*********************************************************
3:15 pm

So...I invited Chandler to come to my work to meet me for lunch...damn when he's a doll, he's a complete doll. I do know though that when my family leaves and I can get back to the abortion workbook stuff, a lot of the anger in me will come back out again.

Anyway, we were talking about weight and stuff, and he was basically saying that i looked great with some extra pounds on me back in October. He said it as "Well, you know the weight you were when you were pregnant, i thought you looked great etc etc"...and I was like "whoa. it's weird to hear someone say 'when you were pregnant'"....

I mean, in my brain i think "abortion" more than "pregnant", but to HEAR it...it really makes it real. Like holy sh*t...
I
WAS
PREGNANT

When i hear "pregnant" i think of my mom, i think of grownup things, i think of the type of person who gets the pink parking spots at Gelson's, that people give up their bench for so she can sit, who everyone gushes and oohhhs and ahhhs over.

Basically I feel probably like one of thsoe people who had a big fat 401k and house and are now delivering pizzas. I feel like a loser...i HAD it...and i screwed it up.

Again, to repeat, keeping it wasn't an option. It wasn't mine to keep. At least, that's what i told myself at the time. It was a little dude renting out space in my stomach. I didn't talk to it, it didn't talk to me, we kept to our own rooms and that was it. Until little dude got evicted without notice.

Thank God i did it even slightly before the 5week mark (where they had to fudge it just so i could get the surgery)...otherwise i'd start freaking out about it maybe hurting. Which is stupid...i never subscribed to that, it's not like it was a full on person and all that...but that something inside of me felt a split second of excruciating pain...geezus i'm in a work thing right now and i'm finding myself needing to breathe into a paper bag.

In other news, someone tried to hack into this Google account.

Why do i keep hearing the "when you were pregnant" ringing in my head?

In a weird way, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I was definitely a different person back then.

There are some key moments everyone has the defines who they are...some of them i can't list without it being obvious who i am, but a few are:
- when an ex-boyfriend put me in a highrisk situation, that when i was safe I was so effing grateful to no longer be a part of his ghetto scary druggie world
- when i got laid off for the first time from a "real" grownup job, i made some professional work rules and i've stuck by them ever since
- the day i got engaged

And now...the day I had an abortion.

I guess it's even more pivotal because I fell asleep being That Girl...and I woke up to become This Girl. I wasn't even awake for the transformation.
****************************************************************************

4:23 pm

I was on those Passboards or whatever, just perusing around...came across a chick's story...i really don't GET people who name their fetuses. No way in hell am i naming it...i don't even know if it was a boy or a girl, i don't know...it just seems bizarre to me. It's not like giving up a puppy. When it comes to naming it, i get very clinical and logical about.

But in this chick's case, she named her aborted fetus/baby/whatever as Chandler's real name (what...you thought that was his real name? :P) Somehow seeing that name, in relation to an abortion...if i were to ever name my kid that (obviously it would follow with "Junior"), I couldn't IMAGINE aborting it...i don't know...i wish I could explain the feelings of seeing that. Joey's name in real life is unique so no one would use that name, but I adore Chandler's real name and just knowing someone aborted a child that WOULD have been another him out there...

I don't know why this is blowing my mind.

60 Days Later - bad bad cramps again

2008-08-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

11:16am

The pseudo period i got is resulting in nothing but cramps. No blood (i got all of like, 1/4 of a teaspoon yesterday at best,now it's all done), just cramps. Similar to the day i had the surgery. Like the ones i had last month...when I called the place where i had the surgery to freak out.

Lovely. I now get monthly reminders in the form of pain to remind me that I had an abortion.

Twice this week I've had some professional ask me about my babymaking status. My optometrist and yesterday, my dentist. What if i was infertile? Geezus chr1st stop asking me people. What if I just had a miscarriage?
WHAT IF I JUST HAD AN ABORTION?!

I'll cut them some slack because they're men. But really...people...please stop. Just stop.

The whole thing still gets me upset. That i sucked out of me the very thing that I would kill to have (ironically). I'm at work in a room full of people right now and i STILL have to fight the tears that are welling up.

This demon was quite the loud disturbing house guest when he first moved in. Now he has settled in nicely into his position and has taken a permanent role in tormenting me. How do you exorcise this type of demon?

**********************************************************
1pm

I caved and took the 800mg of Ibuprofen as per the abortion clinic's recommendation last month. It's not even the pain itself, but combined with knowing WHY i have the pain, it's making me miserable. Plus it feels like my uterus is about to fall out of my body, no joke.

I made my annual girly exam checkup appointment, early January...no WAY am i gonna tell her about the abortion. The less people that know, the better. And the less "real" it makes it...sigh.

The stress of my life from the past 2 years (marital woes, plus the abortion, and new job stuff) my hair has thinned like crazy. It's gotten me REALLY upset because...well...i'm vain. I don't think i'm attractive or hot or anything, but my appearance in terms of youthfulness MATTERS. It was starting to get thick again but then the abortion thing made it all go to hell in a handbasket. I asked my mom about her hair, thinking maybe it was hereditary, and she said she didn't start thinning out a bit till she was 40. Then she's been all "that's just SO ODD usually it thins out after you have a baby..." and all t he research I read online said the same thing.

Yeah so odd...i didn't have a baby but I seem to have all the other symptoms and crap that go along with it. AWESOME.

************************************************************
5:27pm

Holy sh*t.

My period came out of me like a dam bursting. I had on a pantyliner (just in case...it's not like it's normal for me to have NO period or just the 1/4 teaspoon), it soaked through that, through my underwear, a bit through my jeans (yay for dark jeans). Now it's like it won't stop. I can't begin to express the amount that has come out of me so far. It's like my body has all this pent-up blood.

Maybe now my period will go back to normal and I won't still get cramps.

I did more online estimating of when my due date would be. I mean, depending on what website you go to, i get different dates. Plus if you go from the date of my last period before the pregnancy vs. how far along they said i was...it's basically between June 7th and June 14th, which before the abortion i estimated it at June 11th, so now we have the full range. I wonder if I could have asked them what it would have been.

I wonder if they would have known, their little ultrasound machine doodad.
I wonder if they would have told me.
I wonder if I would have asked if the thought had crossed my mind.
I wonder if I would be any more tormented than I am already.

59 Days Later - finally writing again

2008-08-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

11:17 am

I can't begin to explain the crappiness that is my marriage right now. Really, things were going good. And then the ONE thing i asked, which was to be nice to my family, he didn't do. The final straw was when he snapped at ME last night...oh he knows he did something wrong because i've been cold as ice to him, andh e's been allhuggy and cuddly and sh*t.

I have been one step from telling him that he can enjoy another Xmas without me, iw ould NEVER show his mother that type of disrespect. Never. It wouldn't cross my mind. I was stern with her, after a health scare because she wouldn't go to the doctor, but no way was I rude or disrespectful but I did lay the smackdown becuase I flew all the way up in order to make sure she was okay. And even then, i'm only putting that here to cover my bases because i don't think it was even a blip on anything that would be called inappropriate.

I actually broke out in hives or some other nastiness on my back as a result of it. As well as fell back into an eating disorder thing.

Of course in order to handle my stress, i started back up chatting with Chandler, another addiction i guess you can call it, what can i say...when he makes me smile, i'm beaming. I've been good to not tell him the details involving Joey because i used to do that in the past and it's not fair for anyone...it's not like i can go to Joey and bitch about Chandler. But if there's anything I know, it's that Chandler would give his left nut to be a part of my family, to meet them, to do their traditions, etc. ANd if he were a dick to my family (which i can't imagine he would be..i can imagine he would be to my friends for some reason if he felt threatened, but NEVEr to my family) I k now he'd man up and apologize asap.

And i know i shouldn't compare, but f*ck it, for the week i've had if this is the only thing that's keeping me sane is my little fantasy world, then so be it.

I've just been a crying mess about everything...about the abortion still, baby stuff, my husband's effing attitude, family stuff, so on and so forth. But when i say "crying mess" i mean, i plaster a smile on and then any moment i have alone (either when brushing my teeth or driving somewhere quickly). Just smile smile smile...sometimes i just get cranky, but it's general crankiness not a "seriously i'm so f*cking pissed at you" more like "what? NO i said i'm going to shower LAYYTERR!".

Like i need to add to my list of guilt "husband is a rude, inconsiderate jerk to mother".

In other news, i got a pseudo period again. It's so weird, i havent' had a "true" period (like, tampon-level) since August.

Obviously post-surgery bleeding doesn't count as a period.

A few weeks ago I had dark discharge for a brief moment. Same thing last night. At this rate, i'm starting to MISS my period (although it's nice to not have to spend $$ but it's not like i was spendign that much anyway). They told me to call on Dec 16th if i don't get my period and that's 2 days away, so we'll see what happens between now and then.

***************************************************************************
4:16pm

UGH ever since this abotion i've become such a wimp. I hate country music, but somehow i ended up listening to this song and the lyrics have me in tears...maybe because right now, i sure as hell don't feel this for my husband (and cried at lunch over how mad at him I am but i can't do anything because i know he'll shut down completely and be a dick for the rest of the week):

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

56 days later - it never stops

2008-08-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

11:48 pm

More baby issues...you see a birth scene on tv and you bawl. Sigh.

55 days later - baby dreams

2008-08-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

6:58pm

More baby dreams last night. Bad baby dreams.

Can't even type any more than this crap because of the usual family sh*t that's going on right now. I would kill for some effing privacy.

54 Days Later - no time to think

2008-08-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

4:04 pm

Seems i've been swamped with work combined with this family visit.

Last night I lost it...i was gripping my bathroom counter trying not to cry...especially when my mother (after i yelled at her for something) said "what would you do if your daughter talked to you that way?"

I can't explain what that did to me. I just can't.

***************************************************
9:17pm

Geezus fucking christ. Family issues, Joey snapping at me saying I snapped athim, I tried apologizing and he said "i don't want to talk to you right now"...me: "i'm saying i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, i won't continue to snap, i'm sorry" and he's ignoring me now. WTF. Chandler bitchy-ass email yesterday, now this crap from Joey today.

Men are a bunch of fucking p*ssies.

And i'm attempting to write in this to explain how I went to the mall and Firefox fucking crashed, anyway if you had an abortion and would be pregnant over xmas, then do yourself a favor and just buy ALL your gifts online that December because it is the most depressing, gut-wrenching t hing. And i HATE Xmas.

Anyway, I now have to suck up to Joey or else he'll take out my one-time snapping out on my mom which will then prompt me to have to consider divorcing him, because he did that LAST time I saw her, and that was unacceptable and part of hte reason I left him the first time.

It's sad when you find being at work to be less stressful and enjoyable then your own damn home life.

**********************************************************************88
10:29 pm

Yesterday Chandler misquoted me on something in order to make a snarky comment,
that I only need him when things are crappy.

How little he knows when things are crappy...how much this plagues me...he has no idea. I've tried my best with him, to show him it's not like that. This will haunt me long past what he, or anyone would ever think. I turn to him for a small part of it, there's times he's seen most of it but only for small glimpses before I get a grip...before I may have felt like a fraud to others, now I feel like a fraud to myself, to my own mind even when I'm feeling kind of good...I feel like a fraud. I'm a fraud on every level of my soul.

To get rid of something that I so desperately wanted...

And i know I couldn't have kept it.

But my resentment for a lot of things is growing..my resentment towards Chandler for so MANY flippin' things that I was WAYYYYYYY too cool about when he would ask for forgiveness...i'm angry at Joey for only NOW giving a crap about the fertility stuff, I'm mad at myself for thinking it wasn't a big deal, I'm mad at myself for not following relationship rules in sequence and not "overlapping" and falling for one while dealing with a crappy marriage, i'm resentful at everyone, i'm resentful at friends with kids....

I'm resentful because I never seem to have any DAMN ALONE TIME TO SORT OUT MY FUCKING FEELINGS...Joey coming up behind me while I"m trying to be stealth and write this in Notepad...i'm mad becuase I know he wants to get it on tonight and I've been spoiled by the awesomeness and chemistry with Chandler...

When will i ever get a frickin' chance to process this once and for all?!??!?!?!

53 days later - ghosts of memories past

2008-08-02T14:38:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been viewing this abortion like it was a "location", and each day is like a new mile that i'm driven further away from it. So when you're only 5 days out, it's like you can still "see" the abortion so you can be upset still. But it's like i'm 53 miles away...i feel like I have no right to still act as if the Abortion building is right around the corner.

I know i need to allow myself to grieve and all that, but with family visiting i can't even do any of the workbook stuff, etc.

Plus I'm already pretty emotional when it comes to my jacked-up family, let alone since the surgery I'm SUCH a baby. So within a few hours of the visit I was already screaming and getting emotional.

Today i've come up with a "strategy" and it's helped tremendously in handling the emotions.

I've also been thinking about shelling out the $$ to see my old therapist, however for the cash i'd rather put it towards bills or a cleaning service. I'm just wary to tell her about the abortion...i don't want to go down that path, i don't want any more people knowing nor do I want to open the pandora's box with her. Hell, i don't want it written in even more spots that I had this.

It's like I want to erase that this happened, but I want the right to be able to be sad about it as well.

52 Days Later - not hurting yet

2008-08-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

10:51 am

Going out of town was a good thing, minus being in a car with a girlfriend who did nonstop baby talk of all her friends' lives.

Certain things don't hurt as much. Like on the radio a DJ made a wisecrack about something being a train wreck and his co-host said "Yeah, it was a total abortion"...it didn't hurt, it didn't make me cry. It shock me a little but it was actually kind of funny how he said it. It did however remind me "oh yeah. Abortion. I'm one of them."

48 days later - rollercoastereeeee day

2008-07-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

3:54 pm

Today's been weird. One moment i'm chill, next minute I get choked up.

I went to lunch with a friend who insisted the Joey's fertility is probably fine, and mine is probably fine, so why am i freaking out, i havent' been doing it like rabbits with Joey to know if maybe that's why i'm not pregnant.

Yeah well...no sh*t. Chandler and I did it like rabbits
sigh and what a good rabbit he is

I can't maintain that with Joey, I can't even do it more than once at BEST twice a month...He doesn't have the drive, and I don't have it emotionally in me to try not to cry the entire time if we do it more than that.

At one point my friend implied that i should consider what if *I'M* infertile (then she said "i'm sure it's all fine) and i wanted to SCREAM...i know i'm fine. the first time in my life where i'm sloppy and DIDN'T want to get pregnant, it happened asap.

I think I narrowed down the night. The night we snuck into that pool and hot tub (it's always a hot tub isn't it) in the condo he was crashing.

I got a call from the chick who works for that birth choice clinic, they have an abortion support group starting in January. Even though it's religious, I'll take it.

***************************************************************
4:19pm

It's so weird the things that will set me off.

Watching frickin' Eastwick (great show, too bad it's being canceled), they were saving a chick's teenage daughter who had fallen under ice into a lake...THAT made me start bawling. Maybe i just got caught up, it was filmed pretty well, and i was getting into it...or maybe it's that you can imagine the emotions a mother would have knowing her daughter has fallen through ice...

And here I am, still bawling...

I had something/someone I was supposed to protect.

I suddenly just feel like....

i'm a really bad person.

I don't feel like i'm worthy or should ever be allowed to be pregnant ever again. I'm fighting to make it happen when deep down, I lost the right to ever have a child let alone many.

47 Days Later - MUST be positive today. Must.

2008-07-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

10:17 am

I thought about just skipping changing the dates becuase doing that daily is becoming a pain in my ass, but last thing I need is for anyone I know who's secretly had an abortion stumble upon this and clue in that it's me based on some of the events i'm writing about.

Yesterday was a bad day, there's no WAY i can get into that frame of mind again today.

I read this:

Life's up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals - Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want.

Which is pure cheese but I can say the abortion has definitely taught me things about myself that I didn't realize before.

************************************************************************
10:30pm
Drama with my mom and her visit. This is NOT what i need. I already have no time to myself to handle the situation, let alone having to be around her 24/7 when i'm not at work. And now she wants to stay longer. I can't hack it. My self esteem is already shot to hell, i'm trying to REBUILD "me" right now...in order to handle her, I have to be the strongest "me" possible which is rare. I love my mom, I think she's pretty damn incredible, but if there's anything she can do is push my buttons.

I have a huge issue when people are passive-aggressive. It's such a crappy form of manipulation. My mother is pretty good at it, and she shrugs her shoulders when you get mad and says "what? All i'm saying is x y z" and you're like "uh no, that's not 'all' you're saying and you know it".

Anyway.

In other news, I'm nervous all of a sudden. Today i've been exhausted (I took a nap in the morning at work, and then left work early and took ANOTHER nap, and now it's 10:33pm, i should be wired right? Wrong, i'm ready to pass out again) and i've eaten like food is going out of style. I.e: i have pregnancy symptoms. Now all of this will hopefully be in my head (becuase I shouldn't be....and I only JUST did stuff with Chandler), basically another reason to stay away from that boy. My desire for him never stops. Best to avoid temptation.

Which will be easier with my mom here anyway.

Anyway, in other news Joey found out insurance covers 50% of his fertility testing, however that begs the question: 50% of WHAT exactly? But i told him I don't care, put it on a credit card. I don't care. I don't care. I refuse to NOT be pregnant in 2010.

My new year's resolution can be summed up as: I need to get my life on track.

46 Days Later - Keep running up that hill

2008-07-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

10:33 am

Yeah i didn't post at all yesterday. Mostly for a lack of time, and out of extreme exhaustion.

My emotions come and go. Usually when i run an errand and I see a stay-at-home mom. You would never ever peg me as the type who is maternal or would even WANT to just stay at home to look after their child (stay at home to not work: yes. Stay at home to be a mother? no).

This morning I started to have some resentment towards Chandler again. About how he said if i had kept the baby, THEN he wuold have hauled ass in life. Yeah, awesome. Most people haul ass BEFORE having babies, you don't start making an effort because you've conceived. Essentially, you're saying I woul dhave been a single mom in terms of finances. That's a big help.

Or how it seemed like blackmail was his ultimate trump card, and he used it damn often. The final night of it all, i had a sense i might be pushing it, but i was like "what the FUCK. I had an ABORTION yesterday. I think i'm allowed to freak the fuck out when he's being a dick". And asking me whether I told someone who then posted something on craigslist...really? Stay the fuck away from Craigslist. Secondly, what kind of people do you t hink I know? Thirdly, I JUST HAD AN ABORTION. And you want to worry about something you read on Craigslist? really? Let's see howm uch harder you can slap me in the face. I had bigger things to worry about, including a hosting a party and keeping a smile on my face while inside completely falling apart, moreso than I ever have in my entire life. And so...because I got pissed and flipped out, you sent texts to my husband? Really? Thanks for taking one for the team.

It wasn't until a week after the abortion when I desperately needed someone to talk to, and it was big time over with us, did he become the knight in shining armor that I needed him to be the day of the abortion itself.

So why do I have this resentment now? Because those texts, he lost his job, the job he needed...we both needed him to have...and that was MY credibility on the line, the one and only time i recommended him for a job.

I feel like there are times i handed him things on a silver platter and he still didn't do the work necessary. Maybe that makes me judgmental, but at this point fuck it, i'm allowed to judge. We had a baby together. There was LIFE inside of me, life that was half him (well, mostly likely, can't obvoiusly know 100% for sure), and he tells me he would have made it work if we HAD the baby?

I don't know why that infuriates me. I started hauling ass when I was in highschool because I saw the big, long-term picture to get the life I wanted. Didn't go as planned, but sure as hell brought me farther than the alternative. I started hauling ass around 14/15 years old. Andh e wants to start hauling ass at 35 ONLY under the conditions that I had kept the kid?

Maybe also because I'm starting to become cynical to his sweet words...his words mean everything to me, but actions speak louder than words and for someone who says he wants "us" and he'll wait and all that...if things dont' work out with my husband, i'm supposed to rely on love alone to make things work with someone else? We're not 18 in Kentucky. We're in our 30s, and we both know that jobs, careers, debt, etc matter...especially for women when picking a mate. This isn't news. Women can't look for work when pregnant (well, you CAN, best of luck finding a job, let alone you aren't eligible for FMLA anyway), you may not want to admit it buty ou need a guy to be constantly working in the event that you can't when you're pregnant/newly given birth.

Why am i so effing angry today???? It's not like I would ahve kept the baby, that's definitely not an option. But maybe i'm also mad because part of that choice wasn't ever there for ME, because I feel like I made teh choice to be a single mom or not (assuming the baby wasn't Joey's).

There's some gorgeous houses on the street where he lives, and he said yesterday for the first time that one particular house was attainable in his eyes. I don't know why this got me MAD. Maybe becuase *I* don't even aspire for a home like that, and i HAVE a home...i'm aspiring for something with a driveway. That's it. A driveway. And no attached wall. Something that isn't a townhouse but my insurance company calls it a "condo". I'm mad because he says he wants this so effing bad, this "us"...and yes, things are going super well with Joey...but I guess i just want him to put his money where his mouth is and PROVE IT. NOt for me, but for any girl you want to be with, for any family you say you want, if you want it PROVE IT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I wish I could scream at him that all of his dicking around, he in the past 12 months could have honed in some wicked Photoshop skills, built the most incredible portfolio. I have a girlfriend who's a graphic's designer, her portfolio is full of "fake" menus, advertisments, brochures, etc. He could easily have learned so much stuff on his own having already the basics down, could have learned Illustrator to boot (since i had the CD to give him), could have done the odd small logo-building gig here or there, just enough to pay that rent of his which I don't think is even that much.

And the killer part is: if i say anything, it's like i'm judging, when this is me saying "i think you're talented, you should max it out and make $$ off of it". I have a nephew through marriage the same way, i was the only one pushing him towards college, REALLY pushing when no one else was, and then i was accused of being judgmental. No, it's called "this is hwo the real world works, and ihave so much faith in you that's why i'm pushing you like this, you're better than what everyone else thinks, prove to them that you can do more".

Okay. I'm bitching and i probably am making no sense.

I just have resentment. I have resentment becuase the odd time my brain goes into "what if i had kept the baby" mode, if it wasn't Joey's, i would have been a single mom because I don't trust when someone says "if you hadkept it, i would have turned things around"...i needed him to show me that long before conception.

Yeah. I'm a bitch.

********************************************************************************
1:06pm

Sigh, i AM a bitch...Chandler IMed me and i started talkinga bout the abortion and he was great.

I'm just having a hard time becuase i realized on friday it'll be the 2nd trimester. This would have been the time where I could have told people. This weekend I would have had people gushing and congratulating me or getting texts saying "a little birdie told me the good news!"...

Instead, i'm going skiing. Which you'd think, "yeah awesome good for you!". Um, no. If I were pregnant, I wouldn't be skiing.

And then i looked up online what it would have looked like. I was shocked, since I haven't looked reallythis entire time. I only looked at the 5th week mark. The 12th week, it's a full-on little dude. The size of a kidney bean, but still.

I feel like i didn't get rid of it. I feel like the ghost of it lingers around me, haunts me, and it's growing anyway.

I can't think.

I can't breathe.

46 days, and still freaking out.

***************************************************************************
8:39 pm

Summary: bawled on and off tonight.

Thank God for both Chandler and Joey. Damn i'm an asshole.

Chandler for just being...sigh well the only person who loves me the way he does.

Joey for being just cool about stuff tonight...letting me do my work call without flack.

I love them both in different ways.

Oh but bawled over baby stuff. Everything from it being this weekend that i would tell people i was pregnant...to how developed the baby would be...to Chandler's roommate's kid in a highchair. Seeing that just made me LOSE IT.

44 days - so tired

2008-07-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

10:41 pm

so is the end of thanksgiving weekend. .Can't believe 2009 is almost over.

so much for a platonic day with Chandler. And this is where I realize: i can't be platonic withthat boy.

I love him. I love my husband. i don't want to risk another abortion. I had to take 4 birth control pills just now, will take 4 more tomorrow. Eff going through an abortion ever again.

how some people can do multiple ones is beyond me. I would probably shoot myself.

The only time I got emotional today regarding the abortion was when we were watching amovie, and the chick was all saying how she was going to have a baby in 9 months. It killed Hillary Swank to hear it, and it killed me. That should have been ME telling people the good news, getting the congratulations.

Time to stop dwelling on the abortion, and stop kidding myself that i can be friends with Chandler. I love him, so much to a fault, but i can't be with two guys like this. And things are going GOOD with Joey in the grand scheme.

WHY did i have to meet Chandler now???????

43 Days - no babymaking!!!!!

2008-07-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

11:05 pm

I'm amazed i finally have a chance to write here. I'm desperately trying to catch up on work so i can have a free day tomorrow. A PLATONIC day with Chandler. Dammit.

Of which, Joey tried to get his mack on this morning, and the convo pretty much went in this sequence:
him: (not doing stuff that would remotely turn me on. It's more like, a little kid seeing a shiny toy but unsure what to do)
me: trying to assess if he's just goofing around or actually wants to do stuff. he does.
me: i ask whether there's a chance of him finishing, since it's morning, vs. at night
him: agrees that at night he's most likely
me: tells him that if we're attempting a baby then i'd rather wait till tonight because then we don't know when there's an "end" (seriously, it's okay if it happens on occasion. When you go years of that, it's just upsetting for me...he doesn't know it's that upsetting, but it really is. and it hurts. there needs to be an "end" gentleman. We don't want it to end TOO soon, at least when it's good, but i'd rather err on the side of too short vs. too long because i'd rather be frustrated than in pain. And not good pain.)

I'm trying to accept that sex with my husband will more often than not, not be enjoyable. And when i say "enjoyable", it's still worse than any mediocre sex with Chandler (which i say "mediocre" just relatively to the norm and awesomeness of the majority of the times). I can learn to forget about that, there's a bigger picture here. But that also means that sex to me is babymaking and that's it. If i think of it as something enjoyable and stress-relieving, then I'll be disappointed 99% of the time and take it out on him which isn't fair. That's why I was so pissed off at the end of last year...I had expectations for sex, which included it being good AND getting a baby, and since that neverhappened (including getting any sperm to even consider a baby) i just started ot associate sex with an unpleasant activity that would take at least 2 hours to result in pain, frustration, and definitely nothing that would give me a baby. And sometimes you just want a quickie. There was never any quickie since he couldn't finish, and how often are you willing to give up a night where 2-3 hours is spent doing something that is not enjoyable? Lemme tell you, when you work full-time and you have a household to run (because at the time Joey was doing barely any chores if any at all), even once a month becomes too often.

But i digress. It's not the mentality i should have now, and i'm working damn effing hard to stop being so bitter about it because it's not helping the situation.

So fast forward to now, i'm stuck doing work, and he says "oh i guess the stuff from this mornign wont' finish, this isn't exactly the way to make a baby". I told him i peed on the little stick and i'm not fertile now anyway (since my period is all whacky as a result of the abortion, i can't even guesstimate). He's like "well how long does it last" and i told him it's just 2 days out of the month, he's like "WHAT? How do people get pregnant???"

So i had to skool him a bit and then told him to just look it up.

Which case, he mentioned that sperm can last inside you for 5-7 days. geezus, for the amount of sex Chandler and I had at times, *I* could have been a sperm donor. But that then makes me wonder again about who the baby daddy would have been. Truthfully, I still would say Chandler, since we didn't exactly go 5-7 days WITHOUT doing stuff.

I can't believe I had to just educate my husband on fertility, when we've been trying at this for 2 years unsuccessfully. Really? you didn't know the window was a small window each month? And that my odds are MUCH less than if i were 22?

It's just so odd...the FIRST TIME EVER that i got careless, I got pregnant. But when i actually wanted and tried to get pregnant, it never happened. But normally when i don't want to get pregnant, my ovary is blocked every which way.

Oh today I got emotional because I heard Plumb - In My Arms

Which has a line about reading fairy tales. I LOST IT. At least, internally, since Joey was around and I had to act cool. I would have one day been reading fairy tales to "it".

and yesterday...imagining birthdays missed...

This is not a pleasant secret to keep.

And why is it that Joey and Chandler are both in effing sync...when they're both assholes, it occurs at the same time, when one is great the other one is great too, which makes it all bad. Sigh. Weaning myself off Chandler is hard. Very hard.

42 days - i have no self control

2008-07-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

12:00 pm

got up early, black friday shopping
looking like ass, not showered, still wearing clothes from the night before, had gone to bed at 2am woke up at 4:30 am
Drove over to Chandler's just to snuggle next to him while i could.
I looked nasty. And i just wanted to feel his arms around me.

Right. One thing led to another. Which oh HELL YEAH i'm popping the morninga fter pill no matter how nauseous it makes me. At one point I just laid there crying over the abortion, babies, everything.

I remembered the first time I went on the pill for medical reasons at age 15, i was STOKED. I never dreamed I would end up like this.

A year ago, i had a horrible thanksgiving related ot people pressuring me in public about when i was going to have a baby. I was so upset last year, so hurt, that my husband didn't seem to care and I wanted one so badly.

Fast forward tothis thanksgiving, where Joey finally understands and cares how badly i want one, all the while I'm the one who got rid of the one i had.

GOD at one point my head was resting on his arm, it was outstretched, and for some reason i'm enamored by his arms and hands (they're all strong and manly and crap), i forgot how his hands are so much bigger than mine, and then i just pictured those arms holding his newborn, the image of a baby against the tattoo his has on his inner wrist, and i LOST IT. If there was anyone who would be alpha-male-slash-Papa-Bear-style, it would be Chandler.

I'm tired of crying over the abortion.

I'm tired of feeling like my life is on pause and has no meaning because of the value i've placed my whole life on what "meaning" is.

Attempting to be platonic with Chandler is obviously not an option. Which means i need to really distance myself. It's hard to distance yourself not only from someone who has become one of your best friends, but also the other person** who knows about the thing that torments you. In addition to the eating disorder stuff too.

**Yes, thank the LORD for Rachel as well for knowing, but it's a little different when it's the person who most likely was the father, plus he's actually in this state :P

*********************************************************************
12:37 pm

I wrote this on a forum and people kept saying how i summed things up perfectly so I'm gonna post here what i wrote:
It's hard because you know logically you made the right decision but that doesn't mean emotionally or even physically you feel that way. You did have the right to make the choice though, for the sake of the other kids. At this point you have to really trust yourself and your decision, which is easier said than done!

That's the very problem. LOGICALLY, i had no other choice. This really was the best decision for everyone, including the baby. But emotionally...total Sophie's Choice. The burden of it weighs on me heavily, even when i'm not always thinking about it.

Unfortunately babies are everywhere, so that doesn't help much.

Trying to snooze at Chandler's this morning, I heard one of his roommate's kids yell "daddy!"...holy crap did I ever lose it. Truthfully I can't be around them, he tries to point out cute things those kids do but I don't want to see a kid. I can't even make eye contact with kids anymore. I can't touch one, and when I see one i have to look away immediately, as if i'm seeing some sort of maimed individual that i know if i look at, i'll stare, and they'll think i'm being rude. So...I act as if children don't exist.

((let the waterworks begin))

Thankfully of my close friends that I associate with all the time, only one has a kid and she never brings him around (I've never met him...long story involving her brother who always hangs out with us too,he has a problem with her son's father blah blah) plus he's a bit older I think, he's 8ish.

I think my cap is around 6-7 years old. After that i don't get so emotional, they're more like little adults. But when you're still at that age when your legs are chubby and you waddle even a little, I lose it.

It's as if they KNOW i did something to "their kind". Like i'm some KKK member walking around town, and black women wouldh ave to shield their kids and say "don't look at the bad lady". Yes, i feel like kids would look at me with THAT level of fear and loathing.

Don't leave your kids around me folks, you never know what i might do.

********************************************************************************
6:38 pm

Wow...so many t hings can set me off.

Watching Flash Forward, where the lesbian who's "flash forward" was her having an ultrasound, and she's like "wtf i'm not even in a relationship, let alone i don't do guys"...anyway she ends up getting surgery that renders her relatively infertile, and she's bawling...repeating "why am i crying, i didn't even WANT kids"...i was a mess watching that. Girl should win an Emmy for that scene.

41 days - things to be grateful for

2008-07-20T10:32:00.000-07:00

10:32 am

It's thanksgiving. Sigh, i still didn't get all my work done, i'll probably just end up doing it tomorrow after Black Friday shopping.

I have GOT to remember that when I watch Glee, pregnancy is a big part of it.

I'm still in awe: i had a BABY with Chandler. WE together had a baby. Realizing who the dad is kind of is blowing my mind. I wonder what that would have been like had i realized it while i was pregnant.

While prepping stuff for today Joey was pouring himself some soda then just started CRYING. I instantly worried that maybe he knew about Chandler (yes i need to start living by the mantra that i need to live as if everything will be front page news). He comes over, tears down his face, and tells me how happy he is. I'm like "what? why are you crying then?"...and he started saying how for thanksgiving I'm still here, and he kept repeating that. I was like "well i was here last year at this time" and he said "yeah but you were one foot out the door".

Seriously, that humbled me. And Chandler said he cried yesterday about how he missed me, how happy he was when we were in the theater, etc.

You'd think a girl would be stoked to have two men be in love with her, but it's quite the opposite. THe stress, the pressure, knowing that you basically control the most vulnerable part of two people isn't pleasant, it's miserable. I want so badly for both of them to be happy. And the selfish part of me loves different parts of each of them. ARGH.

40 days - seems so far away

2008-07-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

8:36 am
Why does it seem like it just happened yesterday? I guess i can still say it was only last month. Still, 40 days seems like I should be over it.

Last night Joey said that he's following up with doctors on getting his junk scoped out, and they told him they're going to check with insurance to see how much is covered. I told him I don't care if none of it is covered, we're paying for it. We're paying for whatever it takes.

But then I asked what to do if it turns out he's infertile. He agreed that he wouldn't want some other dude's sperm in me (finally! Years ago he said he was okay with that)...but that he wouldn't want to adopt. My heart sank. I mean, adopting is obviously not ideal...he said he didn't know anyone who was adopted who wasn't weird as a result. I pointed out someone we knew, he said "yeah and look at her..."
me: "she's just high maintenance, but she's not weird"
him: "exactly. she's high maintenance"
me: "that's because she grew up in NY, she's rich, and she's a GIRL!"

Crud i just remembered someone else who was adopted and she was a two-faced biotch...but then again, i also know a trillion non-adopted people who are like that too.

I wonder if having low testosterone for too long is the equivalent of letting a bladder infection go for a woman...after awhile, it spreads, and you become infertile. Could it be that his body just stopped producing what's needed?

And all the while of course, I know having a kid with Chandler is a no-brainer. I just wish he had the rest of his life in order. Which makes me an asshole for saying that, because you're supposed to support your man no matter what.

Well, sadly in the real world with a two income society I guess I'M high maintenance because I need a guy who can shove sh*t aside and take care of business when it comes to providing. I've done it my entire life. And lord knows, i've got ISSUES. But if i can get crap done at the worst of times, then damn right the guy should be able to also.

GOD DON"T CRY AT WORK. I have something due today and i haven't even started.
**********************************************************************************
9:46 pm

Hung out all day with Chandler. What can i say...there's no one else i'd see New Moon with. And to max out my day, i made him drink with me. I drank at least a bottle's worth on a relatively empty stomach and was at most mildly buzzed.

At one point he sat next to me and i thought: We had a child together. HOLY SH*T. Holding his left hand it blew my effing mind....we. had. a. child. There was a mini version of both of us that was in my stomach. HOHLEE CRAPPPP.

Which resulted in me mildly crying on his chest when i went to drop him off.

I'm also still mad...stupid abortion book exercise. I'm mad that he said things would have changed if i had kept the baby. But now he has no motivation. But the very thing that motivates 99% of the world is the FUTURE prospect, not when it happens. You don't get your life in order when you're already having a kid, you ge tyour life in order BEFORE you do. And he said he truthfully doesn't see himself ever having a family, which blows my mind but that's another side note, but that...if you don't see yourself having a family maybe that's because you live your life in such a way that's not conducive to HAVING a family. Maybe you have to get your sh*t in order, THEN the family will arrive. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

ANyway, that is neither here nor there because i vowed to focus on my current family, so....

sigh. this whole thing just sucks donkey balls. plain and simple.

Oh and i'm amazed i havent' lost my job through all of this this year, and i had something due today but i said f*ck it and saw New Moon. I'm tired and pissy and just want to forget who I am.

If anyone cares: unless you're a hardcore Twilight fan, or you're like me and you just wanted an excuse to skip reading New Moon so you can start Eclipse, just wait till it's out on rental. Although Taylor Lautner's abs on the big screen was pretty damn sweet. If you like underage boys.

39 Days Later - be a grownup dammit!

2008-07-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

10:47 am

And there it is, Sex on Fire, the first song Chandler ever said reminded him of me. I had never heard it. I can't remember the last time a boy said that a song reminded someone about me.

So i guess that was it for my period, which then means i'm in "start peeing on ovulation sticks every day again!"

As usual i'm in crunch mode with work, which is a killer since I have my review today. I wish i could just say "let me have a do-over, please!".

This has been a year of do-overs for sure. Don't know if each time i did over that i did it any better than the first time.

I'm doing the math on non-mortgage expenses because somehow without Joey's income (we came up a system, and it's pretty separate) i seem to have no cash. But then again, i had a ton of car stuff, $400 in carpet cleaning, and OH YEAH a $400 abortion. And now i need to spend almost $600 on new tires. But without factoring in life insurance for us both and homeowner's insurance, i'm already at $2114. But he spends around $2300 on the mortgage now, so I guess I should shut my piehole.

Sigh, so much for the concept of us maybe one day surviving on one income if we had kids. We have an adjustable-rate mortgage, so far it reset to something do-able but in a year it won't be the case.

If i review my bills from the past few months I can see the pricier nights were when I went out with Chandler 'cause I paid for this stuff. I had started to resent him for it, mostly because we always ended up in a fight and it was like "wtf...i just blew like $70 tonight and you want to be a jerk to me after? Really? How about you be gracious and just say 'thank you' ".

I definitely need a fresh start. 2010 better be better than 2008 and 2009 that's for sure, the worst years of my life minus the year i was engaged but that was my own doing, the anorexia and bulimia fueled mei f you ignore the pun. 2010 has to be a year of change.

Resolutions suck balls, but here's the plan:

2010: get pregnant. Or start the adoption process. There better be PROGRESS. wtf, i'm going to be 33 without a kid? really? I wanted FOUR kids. Now i'll settle for effing ONE.
2010: learn to solve this puzzle game that if i wrote here, people would know who i am.
2010: i will start pursuing my own hobbies instead of dedicating my life to catching up to...life. Reading all the books i say i will, etc.
2010: no more lies, no more deceit, no more cheating, no more sneaky-ass crap. Having to hide myc redit card statements, my cell phone, none of that. Clean living...my life will be an open book to Joey. Which i'm trying to do now.

I was by myself on NYs of 2008-->2009, having left my husband, I chose to spend it with 2 girlfriends instead of Chandler. In hindsight, i don't know if that was a good idea or not. I had already made plans with my girlfriends but i could have easily bailed. I guess I just take it very seriously who I enter a new year with, it sets the precedent for so many things.

This new year's will be my first one with my husband since 2007-->2008. Whydoes this make me emotional? I don't know if i'm happy, or if i'm terrified that it will be the same song and dance.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Amazingly, having an abortion with someone somehow makes you feel closer to them, in a weird way. It's a secret deeper than just of the affair, although it's a dark secret unfortunately. Not a secret i WANT to have, but it happened regardless of what label I put on it.

That abortion has certainly created a new definition of "me", and the scary part is that the only person who knows that new definition is someone I can't and shouldn't be with, and that person isn't my husband. It's kind of like wearing a mask to everyone in the world except one person, but you can't even be with that one person. For as much of our drama I can still say that with Chandler, I was able to stop and breathe.

*********************************************************************************
9:24 pm
live your life as if everything you do and say would be on the cover of tomorrow's news
(per Journey Through Choices' comments)

THAT IS BRILLIANT. And that is going to be my New Year's mantra. I love it. Thank you :)

In other news...

I left work at around 3 because I have this late night status call right now, I was stuck behind a van for "abortionNo.com" or something like that. There were baby/newborn images all over it, and a big header that read something about alternatives to having an abortion. Even when I wasin highschool i always viewed as the PREGNANCY as the problem, not the baby.

Anyway, it really really f*cked me up. Then when I went to the gym thing that i was signing up for the guy was going to give me the schpiel about their kids' club and then was like "oh wait, no kids? No kids? okay ..."

No. I do not have kids. I had one. I sucked it out of me.

38 Days Later - resentment kicks in

2008-07-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

8:40 am

Had a weird dream last night. I'll spare you the details but Chandler was in it, but he looked just like an ex-boyfriend. Or maybe the ex-boyfriend was supposed to be chandler. Whatever. It was a bad dream, like most of my dreams since the abortion. Nights where i don't dream at all are best.

Thing is with "breakups" is you go through a phase where you miss the person...then you transition to anger and bitterness. I woke up feeling that way. Bitter over many of the things he said and did to me. Things that any girl with a shred of self-esteem wouldn't have tolerated.

Yesterday i had a pseudo-period. Just a bit of dark brown discharge (lovely to read i'm sure). I had some mild cramping last night. Today, so far, nothing.

***********************************************************************************
5:24 pm

Wow, what a rollercoaster day of emotions.

And now, it ends in depression. Trying not to cry while I sit at my table. Bored. I have my mid-year review tomorrow and i'm freaking out that it's going ot be bad, considering this past year i moved out of my house, moved back into my house, had Chandler drama, got pregnant and had an abortion.

I wish i could articulate the sadness, it's almost work to cry, it just feels....empty.

I feel like i'm trying so hard with my husband, but i still don't enjoy his company or feel a special BOND between us. But i guess that's to be expected, since i'm still pining for Chandler. Hoping that once i get over Chandler, my emotions will work out better iwth Joey. But...he's never been my "best friend"...whereas Chandler has fallen into that category.

But i still do things like text Joey letting him know i love him, that i had fun with him, etc...even though it feels fake.

What is missing in me that i can't just be fucking happy with what i have????????

*************************************************************************
6:21pm

So I picked up where i left off in one of the workbooks, and the next phase is to assign blame. like in a perfect world we'd say that we're 100% resonsible for our actions, but let's get back to the real world type of thing. And truthfully, i do blame others...

Chandler: I blame you for only caring it seemed for like 3 weeks about condom use. While i know you appreciated that i took the pill, what you said outside my complex the night i told you shows that you did put this all on me, that this was my responsibility.

Joey: I blame you for not taking an active interest about the babymaking stuff. That we said years ago we'd start trying, but you left it up to ME to point out the major flaw in the process. That the pressure was also on me to help you finish, that if you didn't then it was because of something i did wrong. And look at that, the one month i get pregnant, you actually finished that one day, and then i have NO idea who the father is.

The clinic: i blame them for not REQUIRING therapy of some kind before and after. For not giving me a run-though of what would happen. The entire time I was clueless.

The anesthesiologist for what he did to my hand, to where the whole experience became the worst event physically of my entire life.

Myself: for being so sloppy. And reckless. For taking chances despite thinking that I was infertile. For not thinking that it would fuck me up big time if I ever got pregnant. Hell, just the costs associated with it.

37 days later

2008-07-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

9:43 am

Finally, no cramping this morning. I was popping pain meds yesterday like they were candy. Then drank a ton at the wedding last night.

Weddings are so hard when you're having an affair and you genuinely love/care for the other guy.
- you think of what a wedding with the other man would be like, what you would say
- you think of your actual wedding day, the things you felt, and how you wish you could tell the bride "life doesn't turn out the way you think it will at this moment"
- you feel guilty to your husband that you're feeling not all warm fuzzies at that moment
- you feel guilty to the other guy because you know he'd love nothing but to marry you

It's not like on my wedding day, which was the happiest day of my life, that I would ever think 6 years later I would have an abortion and not know who the father was. If there was anything I wish I had learned in school, it's that planning is all good in theories, and planning for disasters and illness is another, but there's a whole series of things that will throw your life for a loop and you'll have to learn to deal with it on the fly. In fact, school should have a "adapt on the fly" class.

Fortunately Joey is going out today, and I can finally sit down and do the abortion workbooks. My initial reaction was to see if Chandler would see NEw Moon with me...but it's opening weekend, and the point is to STOP seeing him, not see him more.

Sigh, last night someone had a newborn at the wedding. The whole night was bizarre, the mix of emotions surrounding being at a wedding let alone it was the groom's second marriage which then made me wonder how HE felt about his own wedding day having already gone through it before, the baby thing, having to be social with my husband's ex-coworkers despite not really giving a sh*t, oh the constant 80s tv show theme music which included GI Joe stuff which made me think of Chandler, the guy who had the same last name as my maiden name who pretty much straight up proposed to me and was hitting on me so blatantly that even I had to admit he was (becuase of the religion thing, the ethnic thing, how i was hot, how i looked good in crimson red, how he wanted a girl just like me, blah blah...i only went up to talk to him becuase i wanted to steal his wedding favor) and Joey had to come and bail me out which i don't think has ever happened in our marriage, which THEN made me wonder how if Chandler had been in that boat how he would have reacted...

Hoping i won't be a basketcase today.

*********************************************************************************
4:57pm
Sigh.

Had a few crying breakdowns today, went all cathartic and cleaned big time the two upstairs bathrooms (usually they just get a counter wipedown, this was a full on scrub of the showers, etc).

Started through the workbook again but then Joey came home, i had to scramble to find where to put the workbook, chucked it behind my dresser. Seriously, whoever makes that could make it look more discrete, and seriously remove the stupid-ass flowers on the cover. Something black or chocolate brown would be much more slick.

I had started though a section about assigning blame. That in a perfect world we'd say we were 100% accountable for what happened, but really our emotions kick in and let's tell it for what it is.

And yeah, i do place blame even on the staff at where i got it. And i do place some blame on Chandler, not so much for having the abortion (although i AM pissed from when i told him i was having it, he was lecturing me about well you should have thought of that blah blah...ummm i went a year being on the pill, you went all of 3 weeks on condoms. Own your part dude.) but some of the emotional aftermath within the 24 hours after. The night of it, the next day....i so badly needed from him to just let me BE emotional, to let me BE crying, to let me BE crazy, geezus chr1st in hindsight the hormonal changes that happen to your body during pregnancy are crazy enough let alone when in a snap you suck it out of you and your body doesn't go through the regular event that would cause the hormones to go back down naturally. I needed him to just be cool, for a few days...to put aside his insecurities that iw ould "fade away", that he'd push aside his fears about losing me and just realize how absolutely crazy/nuts/scary/emotional that procedure was for me.

Or maybe that's my own fault (let's put blame back on me here for a moment) for being miss tough and unemotional about things, i know he had no idea that it was this traumatic for me until later.

Sigh, he sent me a text saying "Damn this feeling...i want to die". I don't even know how ot reply, if i should at all. I love him, and if I could split myself in two and marry him tomorrow you know what? I probably would. But at the same time, I can't get all emotional with him because then i'm not focusing on the very point, which is that i truly need to put in the effort in my marriage.

******************************************************************
5:47 pm

I'm going to be a big baby here:
I miss Chandler.
I might even miss our drama at this rate.
I miss how great he was when I told him I needed to talk to him about the abortion.
I miss those arms of his, I miss them around me, I miss tracing the outline of his tattoos.
I miss the look he gives me when he kisses me, it's totally a slick player "yeah girl" look, damn he's good.
I miss how his eyes change anywhere from green to pale sky blue to dark royal blue
I miss how he smells. Someone yesterday at the wedding I think was wearing his cologne and i almost melted right then and there.
I miss how he got excited and actually effing LISTENED to stupid stories about my friends and family.
I miss just being silly with him.
I miss how he wears his heart on sleeve. No one on this planet is as honest about his love as this guy, even if I don't say anything back he'll still tell me he loves me and wants to be with me.

And it's my love for him that I can't go running to him every time I hurt about the abortion, or when i simply miss him, I can't keep doing that to him. He's not an effing yo-yo. I hope he nails the interview tomorrow.

******************************************************************************
10:50 pm

Looking at pics from the wedding, i wish i were good at Photoshop, i'd put in Chandler to see how he'd look next to me when i'm all prettied up.

It's funny looking at pics, people saying how good i look on FB and all that (it's a gorgeous dress and i had a great hair day yesterday, it only took 4 hair products and 2 devices), and i look at the pics "can anyone tell I'm suffering with depression? Can anyone tell that I had an abortion? Do I look like i was with child just 38 days ago?"

I can only think of one night of pics that were taken since i found out i was pregnant, I looked like an effing linebacker. I felt huge. I felt puffy. And now, I'd do anything to feel that again.

36 days later - waking up to bad pain

2008-07-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

9:30 am

I had hoped the cramps were just a one-time thing. Woke up this morning to the bad cramps again. I'm starting to freak out: what if every month they're like this now? I mean, what would have happened during the surgery to cause this? I'm just banking on maybe this time there's extra "stuff" maybe still inside of me and after this period it will flush out.

Speaking of, I don't have my period. The blood I saw wasn't it. So that's another concern.

This pain is unreal. I had it at papercut level, but imagine perpetual papercuts all day. Well papercuts actually hurt like a bitch, but it's a deep throbbing pain that's making everything ache.

Last night got buzzed with some friends, I almost blurted to one of my best friends about the abortion. The weight of this secret is unbearable. I almost said it ...and my husband was sitting next to her. Damn.

Let me backtrack that when i got there (early, like the "old" me used to do...since the surgery, i've been such a dawdler and procrastinator that i ended up always being late) my two married friends showed up. Somehow her maybe being pregnant again came up. Then they asked me. Seriously, people need to stop effing asking me about my fertility and pregnancy and all of that.

OH MY GOD THESE CRAMPS HURT

So after being buzzed going home I stopped off at Chandler's...he had sent me a text about wishing he could hold me for 5 mins. And naturally I let myself think that becuase I was buzzed that was my excuse to give in. No making out, etc, just hugging and light chatting, then i jetted home.

sigh. it's almost 10. and i'm still in bed. That...THAT is not me. It was me in college. It's not me since I grew up and had a house. Just too ambivalent to care about the dirt and crap that needs to be done.

35 days later - just "meh"

2008-07-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

9:20 am

My car is in the shop today so i'm working from home, which i wish I had been able to do yesterday. Today i'm pretty numb from it all.

Oh so the thing about my period, I don't know what it was now. Usually when you get your period, the blood is either brown or a deep crimson red (hence crimson wave). This was bright blood, fresh blood, the type that i had right after the surgery. And there wasn't much of it, maybe 3 teaspoons at most. And that was it. I haven't had anything since.

There's been cramping, i don't know if that means that it's pre-period cramping or if it's something else. I'll need to look this up, and i guess i could call the place where i got the surgery but i'm sure they're just going to say "come in if it happens again" or "call if it gets worse". I'm definitely perplexed by it.

I had this notion in my mind that today i'd swing by Chandler's and surprise him so that i could drag him to see New MOon. I won't see it with anyone else. Sadly i dont' care to see it at ALL but i want to read the last 2 books, the book for New Moon was so huge and boring, so i figure the movie should cover just enough so i can start the 3rd one. Apparently the last 2 are amazing.

Then i realized i can't swing by becuase the very reason i'm at home is because i have no car and i have to call into meetings, having Kristen Stewart yelling in the background would be a dead giveaway.

**********************************************************************************
11:48am

Wow, these cramps are starting to become painful. Not "a anesthesiologist poked a huge needle in the back of my hand" painful, but like...papercut painful. Like "ow, motherf*ck!" painful. Bearable, but not pleasant.

I'm on hold with the clinic right now, i think they want me to come in. I can't, my car is in the shop. And no WAY am i calling Chandler asking him to drive me over (plus i need to be available to pick up my car when it's ready, oh and i have a meeting in 45 mins for work that i need to call into...and that place is awful with appointments, i'm sure i would be there till they close). I guess i just want someone to tell me this mother effing pain is okay.

***********************************************************************************
12:09pm

Every time they put me on hold, i start bawling. Thirty five fucking days, and i'm still having physical symptoms? Are you kidding me? I feel like someone is taking a hammer to the inside of my vagina.

They transferred me to a nurse at the location that i got my surgery at. I'm listening to some sort of 80's-style piano playing (for some reason it's making me think of St. Elmo's Fire).

I rarely take headache/pain pills. When i do, it's because my head is pounding and I need to get through an evening with a smile on my face. I probably take a headache pill once a quarter. So right now i need to find out if it's okay, and if so, what kind (it's not just aspirin i need to avoid, there's something else and i forgot what it was, since I shredded all paperwork from the clinic).

Yes, the only evidence I have from the surgery is:
1 - the tab on my credit card statement (not the best way to cover tracks, but fuck it, if i'm going to suffer i might as well get air miles for it, plus $400 gone from the bank account would raise even MORE flags with my husband)
2 - A teenie scar from where they put that pipe of a needle in my hand
3 - the blue booties. Which i still d ont' know why I kept, that particular shade of blue will forever be Patient X Blue in my mind on the Pantone color chart as far as i'm concerned (it's actually more like a pale version of Microsoft

Just got off the phone with the nurse, i have to admit the regular staff at FPA are a bunch of drones but the nurses are on their a-game. She told me to take 800mg of ibruprofen, wait an hour, and that most likely it's just my period starting, make sure I don't run a fever, and if i want i can go in for a checkup (which i can't, with no car).

For the first time in my LIFE, i just thought the words: I just want my mommy to hold me.

********************************************************************************
1:58 pm
Cramps are pretty bad, my lower back is killing me from the pressure now as well. Ugh. Thanks for nothing ibuprofen.

You know you have a hard time getting over a boy when you flip through a magazine and see a full page ad for the type of cigarettes he smokes, and despite your incredible loathing of such a nasty disgusting vomit-inducing habit, you still sigh and think how you miss him.

**********************************************************************************
3:45 pm

Pain. Still.

Subsided for maybe half an hour, but i had to go get my car from the dealership (which took forever because i ended up having to get a rental which blows becuase of course it's their bottom-of-the-barrel model) and when the shuttle driver came to get me I had to have my head turned to the window because i was wincing in pain so much. And having to make smalltalk when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die.

And now, I need to shower and get ready to go out for a friend's birthday. I don't feel like driving the stupid little car (i'm short and i can't see over the windshield wipers of a regular car, all short people should drive big cars!), I don't feel like getting this fat body into something cute, I don't feel like having to smile and congratulate anyone, especially my friends who had a baby when *I* was supposed to be having a baby.

It's days like today where I loathe showering, because i'm forced to see myself in teh mirror.

34 days later - getting worse

2008-07-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

10:19am

I woke up this morning to my period.

I haven't had my period since end of August/start Sept.

This has really fucked me up. Been bawling nonstop. At one point I went into the spare room and laid down on the floor, just crying. The room that was meant for a baby. How the previous owners had left us a bottle of champagne for us when we moved in, saying this was where they started their family and good luck to us to the same. How i wish i could just throw EVERYTHING all the crap in that room out if i knew for a second a baby would be in it.

I'm really struggling.

Crying all the way to the dry cleaners this morning, to work, here at my desk. Spilled a whole thing of tea on my keyboard.

When i was puttering in the kitchen this am Joey asked if i was okay, i said "i got my period. I got my hopes up this time** " and he came over, hugged me...what more could he do? **** . I told him I wanted to take the "next step" in fertility stuff, and he said okay.

** yes, the night i had sex with joey was when the bizarro pee stick was a happy face, and i figured if i was "super fertile" like they say you are post-abortion, then maybe i would be pregnant again. And know whothe father was.

**** This i have issues with. 2 years since we said we wanted to try having kids. Granted, on again off again doesn't maybe count, but you grow up your whole life being told how easy it is to get pregnant, 2 years of wanting something is a damn long time. Especiallyw hen you got rid of the very thing you wanted.

Awesome. Just got an email from on of my best friends giving me an age update on all her friends that she's going to be seeing over the holidays. I may very well get sick.

(continued from previous thought) So what can he do? He can be effing proactive. He can act like he cares. He can stop waiting for ME to tell him what to do. He can make an appointment with the urologist and ask for whatever sperm/fertility tests they do. it's nto like he doesn't know this stuff, he was diagnosed with low testosterone ages ago. And how can I not compare to Chandler, if i even hinted about this he'd be all over it, i wouldn't have to ASK, i wouldn't have to tell him what to do, he'd be the one telling me.

Which leads to my next point...i'm now realizing it was Chandler's baby. It had to be. I had more sex with Chandler in even half the time i knew him than with Joey in our entire relationship and marriage combined, let alone that Joey only came once or twice a year. And all those studies show that women's bodies "fight off" the sperm that isn't her partner's...except in this case, it's pretty clear my body was used to Chandler's sperm because that's all it ever saw for the most part. Usually with Joey, he never finished. So when he DID, back in September, that one whole time, i'm going to guess that Chandler's fighting sperm booted out Joey's.

I know this isn't making sense, but that's just because i'm explaining it on depression,exhaustion, and retardedness. I would include a link to the science behind it but i can't exactly do a google search for sex and sperm at work.

When i was driving I was thinking, I'm an asshole. I mean, I married for better or for worse. And you don't leave your husband because he can't make babies. But really, that's not my problem. My problem is that again, i'm the one who's got this on her mind for both of us. He's not doing anything about it. He's not being proactive. This is ripping me apart, this isn't like him not cleaning the windows or something. So let me make this clear. It's not that he's got fertility issues (which is pretty safe to say, since obviously i was just pregnant)...its that he's not DOING anything about them, or has any interest despite the results from ages ago, and is leaving it all to me to orchestrate.

The stress and pressure of being the one in charge of this baby stuff from the past few years is eating away at me again, hell i thought it was bad a year ago at this time...i had no idea. I feel like every day a piece of me is lost, and while i can try to rebuild at this rate the pieces are being lost at a rate that's too fast for me to catch up.

Everything I've ever done in life was to get to this point, where i'm married, have a career, have a house, so that i can have a FAMILY. I'm starting to feel like a jerk to my cats because i'm starting to resent that i'm one of "those" people, who doesn't have kids...i have pets. I love my cats, and i've spent as much on one of them as full-on adoption or fertility treatments, but it's not the same obviously.

We are in pre-Thanksgiving crunch here at work, i've been tasked to help out other projects that are falling behind when i'm already behind on my work, and i just can't function.

I feel like over a decade of a career that i have no interest in was all to prepare for having a family, to do the "right thing", and without that then seriously i might as well just work at Quizno's because having healthcare, a salary, etc is pointless in my eyes at this point. I'm living to work, and nothing else.

I have a "lunch and learn" at noon, if i leave in a bit i can get an hour of crying and wallowing out of my system, freshen up, and come back to work.

I'm such an idiot for having an abortion blog and right now i'm upset that i've got fertility issues in my marriage. And that i'm still reeling from the heartbreak of the loss of the Chandler relationship, especially knowing that it's my fault, he became one of my best friends and the only friend who knew what i was going through from the first day that i met him.

You know what's even more pathetic? Yesterday when I was at Target I went and bought some cute bras/panties/nightie-doodads/etc because i thought if it didn't "take" this past month next month i'll have to really go overtime in trying to get pregnant, and since sex isn't exactly our expertise, i have to step it up. today, with my period here, the thought of all of that makes me nauseous. Maybe i was soiled by Chandler, who would do me fifty times a day even if i didn't shave my legs or shower or wear anything cute.

Joey's fertility issues are not only my responsibility to research, diagnose, find a doctor, etc...it's also 100% up to me to make sure that when sex happens, that there's an "end". Do you know how much fucking pressure that is? especially when your husband can finish easier when he's by himself? But I'm back to before, if i talk about it or anything like that, it's pressure on him.

Yeah, i'm willing to bet at this point that it was Chandler's baby. The reality of that hasn't sunk in, and when it does, i know damn well how i'll be imagining what it would have looked like, what a little family we would have been.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not okay. Like, suicidedly not okay.

***********************************************************************************
11:49am

so much for going outside and bawling...i dicked around for an hour. And now i need to put on a game face for the next hour.

GOD i hate myself so much right now.

**********************************************************************************
7:30 pm

It's so odd the things that can get me upset.

Watching my soap, there's a surrogate storyline, but that itself isn't what got to me.

First, there was a scene of the non-surrogate future mom going through a baby calendar talking about counting each month...

But i lost it actually regarding a comment regarding a character's abusive childhood.

I LOST IT.
I didn't grow up in a peaceful household. And in my brain, i still haven't grasped what was and what wasn't my fault. I know as a teen i was awful, but when I think of myself at like say, 8, i picture myself as i am now.

But then I imagined having a baby, having it come out of me, and could I do the same things to that baby? I could spank, sure...but could I grab my kid's hair like my mom's number one move and pull/shake my kid's head around till he/she fell to the ground in automatic response to the pain? Where to this day, my hair being pulled conjures up images EVERY time of that happening.

Could I beat my kid with brushes to the point where they break? Or a cane? Or a horsewhip? (actually the horsewhip wasn't that painful, i mean, relatively...it's just the fact that i'm probably the only person on the planet other than my brother who can say they've had an effing whip used on them).

I don't have a nurturing bone in my body, and i am awkward around babies/children (i'm terrified of breaking them, and they always sense that), but the longing to have my own baby in my arms has got me going insane.

This nightmare just keeps going on and on doesn't it?

33 Days Later - Catching up to my life

2008-07-12T00:25:00.000-07:00

12:25 am

Well i'm up super late trying to finish up work that i've slacked off on since the whole abortion crisis. I'm dying to go to sleep, i've eaten like a mother effing pig all day, but if i can crank out the last of my edits in say the next half hour, I think i'll be okay. Not GREAT, but okay.

I'm also hoping to catch up with some friends tomorrow for happy hour. Again, i'm so behind on things...including friendships. There's friends I used to see weekly that I haven't seen since before I found out i was pregnant.

IMed with Chandler for a bit, i'm going tokeep that to a minimum because obviously it's very easy to fall back into traps. But when you hear someone else who feels trapped in their life it sort of helps you realize how retarded you've been with your own life. I've been bitching and moaning the past while when really, i do have options available to me. Hell, i don't need to see a therapist. i need to use that $$ to get a maid so that I can use my free time to do things i enjoy, which is what's depressing me.

Tomorrow (well...today) is a new day. Maybe Day 33 will be the day I turn it all around.

It's so sad that all this New Moon Twilight stuff is making me think of Chandler even more, how I draggedhim to see Twilight with me last December...and now the next one is out...trying so hard to not ask him to make an exception to everything and see it with me. Not that i WANT to see it...but it would feel weird to see it without him.

Part of Day 33 Resolutions (like NY resolutions):
1. I will use my paraffin hand bath regularly. Instead of keeping it in storage. I used to use it all the time. Then i got married. My hands look like an old lady's...and i used to do hand modeling. Strangers would even comment on my hands.

2. I will go back to the gym, even if it means getting up in the AM. Even if it means hiring a personal trainer again.

3. I will do effing work during work hours. Even if that means sleeping in, going to the gym, then going in...there's no point in getting up at 6:30am if you're going to be a zombie until 3pm anyway.

4. I will use my lunch hours to do the workbook stuff. For the book that i have the PDF for, i'm thinking of actually doing all the work online, and then posting my modified PDF here, if it'll help anyone.

************************************************************************************
10:11pm

I'm so fat.

More crying today, despite trying to be optimistic.

Went to return a pregnancy test today at Target (don't ask), the cashier said "I guess you got a visit from Aunt Flo from the Red lands?"...i was like "uh, what?"...if I wasn't so shocked at the expression she probably would have seen by the look on my face how inappropriate that was, but i just said "oh, no i have some at home already".

Why does it seem like my uterus and fertility have been up for public discussion for years now??????

32 Days Later - it's really been that long?

2008-07-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

9:23 am

For some reason I woke up as if it just happened yesterday. My face is puffy, doing my makeup was hard because my skin just looked like I was a balloon, all puffy and swollen.

I also weighed myself, the depression has me at my highest weight since last spring. That's going to stop now for sure.

I want to run away and start over.

On Friday I'm supposed to go to a birthday thing for a couple who were supposed to share childcare with us. Yeah. Their daughter just turned 1. And...here i am, not pregnant, and the general vibe I get from everyone is that it's *my* fault, or something is wrong with MY eggs.

I have a major thing due end of day today, i was supposed to have started it on Friday. I'm always playing catchup with work. But my brain is on babies and the abortion. It's a little bizarre to have a strong biological clock and desire for a baby but then have an abortion. It's like it put the clock on hold, and when it started back up it didn't continue at the same pace, it accelerated.

Sigh, plus there's the "breakup" with Chandler. I feel like i'm not allowed to be upset over it or hurt becuase well, i'm married. Married people don't have breakups, and they don't wallow over the loss of a "boyfriend". I also lost a close, close friend, and that hurts like a bitch.

I feel like the further away it gets from the abortion (32 days?? seriously?) the less rights I have to be upset. Like 32 days later, i should be FINE. Now i know people heal at their own pace blah blah but I don't want to be crying over this years from now.

I can't believe on October 16th I was put under and had surgery. I HAD SURGERY. The last time I was put under for a surgery was my wisdown teeth at...15? 13? at least back then it was my summer, and i just stayed in bed for 2 weeks. Everyone KNEW. Now it's just me and i still shiver at the thought of the pain in my hand, or that my legs were spread for the world to see.

It's at times like this that I wish I did drugs. Damn me for being the poster child for anti-drug use.

Sigh. I just received an evite from an ex-coworker, looking over the invited list there were 2 people, listed next to each other, who have the same name as Chandler. Damn him for having a common name.

************************************************************************************
10:39am

Trying so hard to not crack. I have another diary/forum that i write to for eating disorders, a friend wrote me this huge email in relation to a depressing post that i had put (they don't know about the abortion), and she commented how there's something inside mE that's hurting, it's not what's on the outside that's bothering me. Of course. Running away, another job, whatever won't help.

(well, okay the job thing but she pointed out that if i worked at Target i'd be bitter that i'm wasting my education)

Right now i'm seriously doing every trick in the book to not start bawling. I have a meeting in 45 mins, if i can get to just that point then i go to my car and bawl bawl bawl. I dont' know if i've ever had a panic attack but whatever is going on, i can't breathe and i'm about to explode.

I'm in my 30s and I'm still gripping with depression like I did in my teens.

************************************************************************************
11:55am

So that PASS workbook came in, now i don't know if i should keep doing the free one i got online or the one i just frickin' paid $25 for. The former one is more professional, the one i paid for is definitely written by someone who's not a writer or a professional by trade. I'll probably do the $25 first only 'cause i dished out $$ for it.

I'm eating some soup, thinking about how starving i am, thinking about how I need to get back into smackdown mode, teetering with the idea that if i go back to weight obsession and starving then I can avoid thinking about all of this.

You know what's weird? I think part of my problem of being around children isn't just the usual "oh i want a baby" thing (like i'm not good enoguh for one, i might break one, or they just know i'm not maternal), but i also feel like maybe...they know. They can sense it. They think in their baby brains "that lady had an abortion but i can't say anything". Okay it's not LOGICAL, but it's kind of like how dogs know when there's an earthquake. I feel like getting too close to a child will result in them wailing and crying with everyone going "what's wrong? why is he crying like that? he's never like this!" .

I want a Toothpaste Genie so I can make everything better.

I'm going to try and sneak a nap in my car for an hour, maybe when i wake up i'll have energy to finish work and stop dwelling.

**********************************************************************
1:37 pm

Took my nap, most of it was spent with my brain racing. Parked on the way far corner of this complex, you can see the toll road. Remembered the last time I was on the toll road was the morning of the abortion. Chandler took it so we could avoid traffic. he pointed out that you could see my car from it if I parked in my usual spot.

Just looking out at it, it was like an out of body experience. Like i would be able to see me in his car, driving to get it. I remember the track pants I wore, what shirt did I wear? I guess it's a good thing that I don't remember that. Damn,that's funny that I don't remember what i wore. I know I did a purse swap and just had my cross-shoulder one so I could hold a magazine in there.

In hindsight, I would probably bring an iPod as well if I were to offer advice. The sound of other people in the waiting room(s) started to irritate me that day.

Did i wear my pink ralph lauren long sleeve top that day?

Usually I wonder what I would do differently, but I can't say I would have done much differently that day:
1. Bring an ipod.
2. Bring a warmer jacket. I froze by the window.
3. Brought more magazines. I went through mine within 45 mins, and i was there FOREVER.

That's pretty much it. Most sites I visited had advice which was pretty helpful. OH a note to anyone doing it: you'll be wearing a thick nasty pad when you're done. Dont' wear tight stretchy pants. Some girls did, i was like "wtf"...baggy all the way. I sort of wish I had worn jeans becuase I feel more comfy in jeans than in track pants but I do think it presses down too much on your belly. Plus if you bleed through, i'd rather bleed through dark track pants than my comfiest pair of jeans.

Sigh. Chandler posted a new (poem?song? writing? i don't know what you would call it) on his site. When i first read his stuff i couldn't grasp half of what he wrote, now I get the meaning of his words and the stuff that's tongue-in-cheek.

This nightmare needs to end.
*********************************************************************************
5:04 pm

Came home, got a bizarre card addressed to Joey and I in the mail. I can tell my friends' handwriting, and/or they put a return address but this was in bizarre marker writing and a big sticker that said "it's a boy!". Without even thinking i opened it becuase I don' tknow anyone who gave birth recently (thinking it was a birth announcement).

It was a horribly-done invite by Joey's friend who married ((deleted the description, it's just too obvious who she is...let's just say, imagine your mom's worst nightmare. Times that by fifty. That's who he married)). This includes printing corrected text and cutting/gluing the paper over the existing paper.

I lost it. Maybe it's that i'm mad she didn't register at Target instead of Babies R Us (wtf, she's like 20, does she need expensive sh*t?). Or that she already HAS a son. No...it's that MY baby shower should be planned.

I would have had a baby shower. Someone would have gotten a little card in the mail for what was growing inside MY stomach.

31 Days Later - Just blah

2008-07-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

9:23 am

Yesterday I just wasn't in the mood to write yesterday.

I did want to finally start the workbook for the abortion stuff, but then Joey came home hours earlier. That'st he problem in my house: there's no privacy. The only rooms we hang out in are hte living room and the bedroom. Well there's nowhere in either spot where someone can't see what you're doing.

Today I'm going to say "fuck it" and clear out those other 2 rooms once and for all. We just have so much fucking crap, and if we were to ever havea baby the kid would have to stya in the garage.

I'm back to my anxiety about maybe never having a kid. What if it was Chandler's earlier? What if Joey is shooting blanks? Would we pay $$ for adoption? Seems unfair, since my eggs aren't broken and i could get sperm for free.

I was doing okay until I went to hang out with some girlfriends in my book club, one girl gave birth a few months ago and it was at her house. It became all baby talk. A close friend of mine after asked me if I was okay with the baby talk (she knew all the problems i had in my marriage about it) and i was like "ohyeah no i feel great, Joey and I only just started trying now since i've moved back home". Vowing to not have another abortin is "trying", right?

You definitely get the feelingt hat you missed your last shot that's for sure.

In other news, and i know i've said this HOW many times...yes, Chandler and I broke it off. It had to be, we were just destructive. It was sad, and I was like "you're manipulative, every time we do this you come up with some sort of threat or blackmail so i'm forced to talk to you again, and that's jacked up". He admitted it, and he also knows his email is blocked from my email account. Sigh, the whole thing is sad...when he was leaving he said "the next time I kiss you will be on a real date" (or "first date", whatever...we once had a convo where i felt gypped because i never had like a "first date" or anything with him, we never even really got to DATE, period). Him saying that melted and broke my heart at the same time. Because I know full well what i got from him taht i dont' have in my marriage.

I just have to focus on what i HAVE, and not what i DON'T have.

***********************************************************************************
11:11am

Dammit i forgot I had lunch plans today, i was hoping to either just straight up nap in my car or finally start that abortion workbook.

I also forgot my dream last night, it was bizarre (of course) but I remember Chandler being in and out of it, but every time he was around I felt safer.

Damn, I need to get over this obsession.

let me tell you, getting an abortion when you dont' want your insurance to know or it's not covered seriously takes a kick out of your savings. I need to get new tires, i've needed them for months now, the $400 i blew really could help. Plus I have almost $800 in disability insurance bills. Let me tell you...being married does NOT sav eyou money. My disability insurance is $300, Joey's is $500, and we make almost the same amount. Men are expensive. They cost more in insurance and abortion fees.

************************************************************************************
6:07pm

Suddenly getting really emotional. I'm exhausted but I went after work to Walmart, and i don't know why...maybe someone's cologne that i didn't notice...maybe it was seeing all the baked goods displays...maybe it was passing by this cute "sorority girl" doggie clothing stuff...and wondering: what if I have Joey do a sperm test and it finds out he's shooting blanks, what if i knew for sure it was Chandler's? Do i tell him? Do i want to go down the road of really being able to imagine what the baby would have looked like? The adorable nose, the freckles?

I wonder if I'll forever wonder, I wonder if I'll even remember any of this on June 11th (my expected due date, at least, I think it was...shoot was it June 13th? Not like it would have been an exact timeline, but i know i wrote the date down here on this blog).

I would have been around 9 weeks by now.

And there goes the waterworks. Would I be showing? Hell I already do, i'm so fat from the eating out of depression. ((crying crying)) All the planning, the baby room painting, researching the right stuff, being part of that elusive Mommy Club that i've been ostrasized from (my own doing, not theirs). Why am I crying now? I went awhile now not feeling this bad, why are the feelings still there???

And here I am victimizing myself for my own doing.

Lovely.

*********************************************************************************
10:07 pm

Massive fight with Joey tonight. I'm exhausted now from all the crying. Did a bit of that abortion workbook, bawled again.

Trying to finish up my status reports, i cant stay up to do work. I'm too exhausted. i can't think.

I heard a "pop" sound, the family pop from Yahoo IM, a sudden rush that maybe it was Chandler. No, it wasn't...it was just my brain playing tricks on me.

Right now, I hate my life.

29 Days later - seems so far away

2008-07-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

11:10 am

I'm annoyed by everyone and everything today. Chandler is driving me nuts. I wasn't kidding last weekend when I said i was done, but a few manipulative moves and BAM, we're back to where we were again. And granted, what i did on Wed wasn't the smartest move for sure...maybe I thought that getting back to what we're good at would help.

Wrong...and he's wanting more than i can give. I feel so incredibly smothered. If i'm going to take even more than 10 minutes to deal with a problem, it should be with my husband only. NO ONE ELSE in my life has this much trouble with me.

And i resent him saying that he was there for a me the month of my abortion...uhh, i would say he was there for a few hours the day of the abortion, every day leading up to it we fought, and it wasn't until a week later after our Chili's parking lot thing did I turn to him. And yeah he was there because i didn't direct it at him, it was about my pain and that's it. Who's been there for MONTHS when he lost his job, his place, and stuff still got turned on ME????

I can't do this. When are you allowed to just waive the white flag and say i can't do this? I've TRIED. ANd granted, i'll admit i came back to him at times when i shouldn't have. But okay...can we put the stake in the ground now? If you dont' like how i'm treating you, sorry at th is point this is the best i can do. i sure as hell don't like the way you're treating me but now i realize that's my own fault for allowing you have that power. So simple solution: remove teh power.

For a BRIEF moment, he was totally cool. And I fell super hard all over again at that time (the whole few days)...he has no idea how his smothering behaviors (as well as flat out manipulation) destroyed the very thing he says he wants. Or how trying to get from me things that I just can't provide, don't BS me with the "oh as a friend"...really? My friendships are a piece of cake. The level of effor ti've had to put into those friendships is pretty minor, because it comes naturally.

What i CAN say is that it's help rebuild me in a sense, because I'm forming again what I'm okay with and what i'm not. Who i want to be around. What types of values and behaviors i want to be around. What i'll accept and what i won't.

And that also includes forcing s omeone to be with me when HE'S not happy. If my efforts aren't working, then i'm not going to convince him anymore to try and see t hem. He has the right to be unhappy and to want more. Period.

Sigh. Well no bones about it, I love that boy and to not have his love is like taking a meal away from a starving ethiopian after one bite. But it also hurts too much.

In other news, I found a website with South Park quotes, they had a whole section dedicated to abortions. Enjoy.

“Don’t you see governor. I should have the right to have an abortion if I want one...I mean, what right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again I should have thought of that before having sex...then again...I just don’t know.”
-Mrs. Cartman, 202

Doctor: A lot of amazing studies have shown that stem cells might be used to fight cancer and a myriad of other diseases. Right now, a lot of stem cells come from the tissue of aborted fetuses - ah I'm sorry, unwanted children. And if you sign a release, that tissue can go to studies

Ms. Sanders: Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others.

Doctor: The hope is that someday it might.

-513

“Too many people were upset about using aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's too bad, too. We really could have helped a lot of people.”
-Larry, 513

“My best friend in the whole world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's sick right now. He's real sick. He's only eight years old and his doctors don't think he has very long to live. Look, I realize that using the tissue from aborted fetuses for research is a touchy subject, but all I know is that if there's a chance, a chance that stem-cell research could save my best friend's life, well I guess I owe it to him to try and change your minds.”
-Cartman, 513

“Abortion is the ultimate form of cheating! You’re cheating nature itself! Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? Because they get abortions when they’re young! They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college so, whatever, they just cheat! They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life.”

- Cartman, 1205

28 Days Later - well, i feel like a zombie

2008-07-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

7:27am

Last night I was MISERABLE.

Not sure if most people know, but you can use regular birth control as the morning after pill. You just have to take A LOT.

When i moved back home with Joey, i went off BC pills, which i was only taking when i was doing stuff with Chandler. I vowed no longer to do things with him. Yeah well...that didn't work out, and i was constantly taking the "morning after" pill. Eventually, my stomach just couldn't hack it, and i get so so sick that i just needed to lean over and i'd start vomiting bile.

Well 2 days ago I saw Chandler, and while we didn't have sex we did...stuff...(yes. i know. i don't know how to quit him), enough to where my paranoid mind freaked out that was if there was a smidgen of sperm that sneaked it's way in me.

So last night I took 4 BC pills, figuring that i would sleep through the nausea. Oh how wrong I was. I was miserable, got up twice to throw up bile, and definitely couldn't get up for work (and i have an 8am meeting, i'll have to call from home because if i left now, i would miss it). I took 2 Tums smoothies (they're actually really good) to help with all the bile that had come up, but that ended up getting puked up after.

I eventually threw up a decent chunk of bile to where my stomach felt relatively okay, and now it's early morning and i'm having a bowl of chicken noodle soup because i'm starving and everything else seems too harsh.

I definitely can't take the other 4 at 11am like i'm supposed to, i'm debating on just taking 2 (which is what i used to do). I mean, throwing them up defeats the purpose, although i'm pretty sure i didn't throw them up, it had been hours after.

Going to go nap on the couch for 20 minutes before my meeting. Then I'll write ALL ABOUT my happy hour with 3 ex coworkers who are all still nursing.

*************************************************************************************
11:51am

yes, that is the face of the guy who gave me the abortion. If he were an actor. And wore a suit.

Yesterday I went to happy hour with 3 ex coworkers, all of whom were still nursing. One knew about a lot of the pregnancy/sex problems I was having with Joey, we spent an extra hour outside of our cars chatting about stuff. I completely forgot taht she had a miscarriage that required her to have a D&C. So i said "why did it take 6 months for ((son)) to be conceived after, i thought you're super fertile after?" and she said that she purposely waited like 2 months because apparently the wall can be too thin.

THAT freaked me out. But she was also further along and needed "scraping", apparently there was no scraping needed for me.

I was thinking today how if I'm going to be a new person as a result of all of this, right now it's so "fresh" i'm able to mold who I want to be. Which right now is to just not put up with people playing games or being needy and retarded. I'm in my effing 30s, if people don't want to grow up and get to the point, i'm not catering to that. It's not my job to treat people like they're in highschool and want someone to beg them to tell them something.

And i need to stop a bad habit that has creeped back in, it took me months of work to change this mentality: spinning my wheels and obsessing over things like what i may have said that was stupid, or whether someone acting a certain way one day means they dont' like me. I know what "steps" i have to take to nip that int he bud, and i'll get on it.

OH and i'm excited that the workbook will be in soon, plus i have that other PDF (thank you to whoever posted it), i want to be proactive about all of this.

For some reason I guess i have a newfound zest in life today. Like, time to start making life suck less.

*************************************************************************************

6:38 pm

Leave it to me to have an abortion around the time that our entire country is freaking out this week about abortions and the new health care reform bill. What i don't get is that they keep saying that gov't employees and medicare recipients have not been receiving $ for abortions. But that's not true...a good number of the girls who were there the day I was had theirs covered because they were students and medicare covered it.

Truthfully, while i'm pro-choice and all that (obviously), i'm not saying the entire planet should get abortions whenever they want. Then again, unless you have a psychological disorder, NO ONE would go out of their way to have this happen again. Everyone i know who has had more than 1 abortion went out of their way to use protection and it failed. So...when you use protection and it fails, are you supposed to be SOL?

So here's the way i see it, if I were to make the rules:

1. If you're under the age of 23, abortions are free. Period. It's either I pay $400 for some kid's abortion OR i pay for the welfare for 18 years they will statistically be on.

2. If you're under the age of 23 and you get an abortion, you are REQUIRED to go through a sex-ed class.

3. No matter what your age is, if you've had more than 5 abortions paid by medicare/gov't cash, then you're also getting your tubes tied as well. You don't like that rule? Then save up for your own damn abortions, or stop having sex. Or have the baby.

4. The whole rape/life of mother at risk thing is a no-brainer. Abortions. Period.

It would never fly, but seriously...come ON. You can't believe that because a 16 year old is retarded and especially fertile that she should be responsible for the welfare of a baby. Do you remember what you did at 16? When i was 16, i was worryinga bout college and working 2 jobs. I was on the honor roll. So had i had a kid, not only would I have ended up being at poverty level with min wage jobs, i also would have had to take care of a BABY....should people who can't legally vote or drink be responsible for ANOTHER HUMAN BEING? And this whole thing of "well you can give it away"....right. It's not the baby itself that can f*ck up a life. You think an honor roll kid can easily maintain all of that going through the chaos of being in a hosue where most likely your parents are ripping you every day, where you're probably taunted at school every day, where you can't engage in the usual things your peers are?

Sigh. And back to feeling like I f*cked up my life. And that i'll never, ever have a child again.

And the tears come.

Which is so odd...i was actually relatively happy today. It's this level of perspective that I now have. About doing the right thing.

27 Days - inching further away from that moment

2008-07-06T16:06:00.000-07:00

27 Days

2:14 pm
I WAS feeling pretty good today, but all it takes is one crummy email from Chandler out of the blue and again i'm back to the anxiety-filled sensations I usually feel, the very reason that I wasn't happy in our pseudo-relationship. Sigh. I wish he knew: the calm and normal and non-drama he behaves, the more I gravitate to him.

Anyway, it's better in the grand scheme: the more he pulls his passive-aggressive stunts the better I can keep my head on straight. I really wish I could just shake him and tell him he is his #1 self saboteur in all areas of his life.

Tonight i'm going to happy hour with some ex coworkers, ALL of them having given birth recently. It's so hard to be the odd one out. And now, i'm the odd one out because of my own damn fault.

I'm feeling good, but I'm also pretty shaky, so I don't know how long I'll be able to handle them. Sigh.

I'm going to go take a nap. There's no way i'm going to be able to survive anything tonight otherwise.

26 Days Later - the light shines through the clouds

2008-07-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

10:20pm

Today was the first time since I found out that I'm pregnant that I actually felt (wait for it...wait for it...) happiness. Just straight up, "yeah. Things are gonna be a-okay!".

I didn't even think about the abortion until 11am.

Of course it had to eventually hit me, during tonight's episode of Glee. For anyone who doesn't watch it, there's a chick who's pregnant and told her boyfriend it's his when really it's his best friend's. And the best friend adores her, and wants to take care of her.

In tonight's episode Quinn was bitching on Finn (the boyfriend) to pay for sonogram tests and he couldn't get a job, whereas Puck (baby daddy) is ambitious and does all sorts of extra things to make bank for her. Finn bitches to Puck about how hard it is to get a job, Puck starts ranting about how he should rob a bank, sell an xbox, do whatever it takes to take care of that baby.

Damn if it didn't remind me of Chandler....i'm the one who told him to sell his xbox when he needed cash, and he told me he'd rob a bank as long as I kept the baby.

So i go into the laundry room after, and really...all day today I was thinking how i LIKE my life with Joey right now. I really do. But in the laundry room i burst into silent tears realizing: i can't remember the last time, if ever, Joey has told me i'm beautiful at any point during sex. Let alone after. There's no cuddling after, which i'm not a cuddler but it's all business that's for sure. It's weird, i thought: if/when i should have a baby with Joey, the father of my child will not have told me that night that i'm hot/gorgeous/beautiful/radiant/anything. At BEST if i'm lucky he'll tell me that i'm hot. But that happens once in a blue moon. He's just not a talker like that.

Whereas I can't remember Chandler ever NOT saying anything about how sexy i am, how beautiful i am, how much i turn him on, etc etc. Full-on gushing, you'd think by now he'd be tired of it but he's not.

It just made me sad. To be with one or the other involves sacrificing. With Joey i'm sacrificing any physical chemistry, and "best friend"-type relationship, and feeling like a partnership in terms of workload. I don't always feel like "the greater good" goes on with us. I am the handyman of the family, and i'm the one who takes pride in maintaining what we have and fixing things around the house (usually what prevents me from doing more is my physical limits, being 5'3 and all the upper body strength of a kitten) Lord knows, I'm sacrificing my sex life for sure. I'm sacrificing feeling like i'm the most beautiful person in his eyes; I still get nervous when a pretty girl is in the room. I've spied on the stuff he would rub one out to, and those girls look nothing like me that's for sure. I'm sacrificing someone being a willing participant in raising kids with any interest in my religion, or any religion for that matter.

Whereas with Chandler, i would get all of the above. I truly think we'd be in a room full of supermodels and not only would he not notice them, he'd probably pick every one apart if he saw me feeling bad about myself. But then the sacrifice is financial stability, and anything above that like trips to Europe (which i haven't done since i was 8 months old, thanks mom and dad for making that trek when i wouldn't remember it) or nice furniture or savings or flippin' expensive vet bills. I'm sacrificing my social world as it is now, which to me is as important as family. I would be sacrificing my in-laws whom i really like as well as the chaos that would ensure i'm sure with my own family.

Do people have it all? I mean, in the grand scheme, do they get most of the things listed above?

I'm back onto wanting to protect the eggs that i DO have, and that makes everything sketchy.

Oh in other news, just for kicks I've been peeing on those fertility sticks again. Since allegedly you're crazy fertile after you have an abortion or give birth. The first time i bought a new box (which is stupid, since i realized i had 2 opened boxes in my bathroom already) i got the smiley face. Yes, i pay extra for the digital kind, i don't f*ck around with that. HA well apparently I do, but in the other sense. So then i got freaked out and thought maybe i was still pregnant or something, because when you are the fertility stick will show the same results. Well then the next day I didn't get the smiley face...so i thought nothing of it.

Then on a whim i tried it again tonight...and there it was. The smiley face again. That means at this rate i'm fertile once a week. That's crazy to me.

Although...I did do stuff with my husband last week (I was trying to NOT, i was definitely not emotionally ready for it but after 3 nights of declining, I realized I wasn't exactly putting in marriage efforts like I said i would after i moved back home. Especially since the last time we did was a night we may or may not have conceived in early September. Which actually, doing it once every 2 months is more frequent than normal that's for sure. That's like bunnies in our sex life.). So now i'm freaking out, what if that means i"m pregnant already? But thats not possible...you're only supposed to be able to tell a few days before you're missed period.

This is effing with my brain, so i'm gonna have to get a pregnancy test. Or just pee on a stick tomorrow and see if the smiley face goes away. Oh how it taunts me.

To be honest, I don't know how I would feel if I got pregnant and this time, knew for sure it was Joey's. I mean, it's what i wanted all along my marriage. But it would seal the door on the one person I have ever felt loved me through every fiber of his being. And that's a whole level of security that I never realized that I wanted or needed: knowing that I'm someone's one and only, and having complete trust in that.

25 Days Later - really? twenty five?

2008-07-04T14:23:00.000-07:00

2:27 pm

I can't concentrate...stuff that i should have done yesterday i didn't do, my boss just reminded me that i didn't do my midyear reviews (um pretty easy: i havent' done sh*t in the past month and a half), and i got a call from our department lead about the status of something. How do I say: "why yes, i think i've done great considering that i've had to sit at work and try despertely hard to not have a complete meltdown, so A+ for effort in appearing to work"

I had a brief moment of cramps today at lunch, I wondered if maybe that wasn't from the surgery but rather, from maybe my period starting? It's funny the things that will remind you of stuff. Our lunch took forever, and one guy went to get the status, and we were all "yeah yeah, they're going to tell him 'it's coming out right now' or 'it's finishing right now' even if they haven't started cooking it yet".

And then I was reminded of the follow-up, a room of us girls either doing follow-ups or waiting for medical abortions. And waiting forever, not being able to let Chandler know that he could go get food, not wanting to be there in that room.

How are you supposed to go back to normal after something as private and unpleasant as this? Even though it doesn't consume my mind like before, there's always little t hings that remind me of all of this. Baby talk of course, but even when i think of where we went to eat after..i LOVE that place...and in my brain, it will forever be the place where I went right after an abortion.

Dont' cry, don't cry...

Some t hings i don't remember so well anymore, mostly the crap leading up to it 'cause it was a lot of waiting around. But after I was out...I remember it...i remember what the weather was like, I remember being giggly that Chandler was wearing his uniform despite that I also just wanted to curl up in a ball and ponder wtf i just did to my body and the intense pain in my hand...his nervousness and anxiety...ugh that stupid 1970's pad they give you (omg it was horrible to take off, I think i had to cut it or something because it had these metal hooks)...realizing we needed more napkins or something and I got up to get it and we argued about who would get them and it was just NICE that he was like "you're insane. I can get it. You had surgery".

I mean, the surgery isn't so bad that you can't move around. I would say a good chunk was psychological. Lord knows my hand was my biggest problem, i seriously don't know any pain EVER like that, and i've had everything from stiches on my forehead to knives going through my hand and hitting the bone, i didn't even notice all those times. Really, I just felt achy.

I'd say the feeling isn't like you can't go shopping or something. It's that your body seems to scream at you "go to bed and cuddle a teddy bear!".

Especially since in my house, it's like the abortion never happened. That night, having to be all cool. The next night, the bachelorette party, having to entertain and be the best hostess ever. it's like walking through my front doors, i have to lock away the part of my brain that had it. Same thing with work. Which doesn't leave too many places where I can THINK.

So my confirmation for that abortion workbook says between Nov 20th to the 25th. Which is really going to blow because shortly after, my mother is going to come stay with me. NOT ideal. I'm already an emotional basket case since this whole thing, my defenses are so low, all it'll take is her critisizing ONE thing and i'll just bawl and scream at her.

GOD i feel like i've been on one big hormonal and emotional rollercoaster.

I was trying to find my mp3 player (havent' gone to the gym in ages and when i went last night i couldn't find it) in mywork drawer and I saw the boots that I wore during the surgery. Why do I still ahve them? I don't know. It's just weird how you have to wear NOTHING (although i got to wear my socks under the booties), like there's some sort of abortion uniform. MAN that shower cap was the worst of it, i refused to wear it till the very end. Carrying your plastic bag of stuff all around with you (which weighs a ton when you have to shove your purse in there too), wearing a horrible surgery outfit that barely fits, freezing the whole time.

I dont' have Post Abortion Stress Syndome. I straight up have PTSS at this rate.

************************************************************************************
7:53 pm

OMG.

I'm such an asshole. With all the drama from stuff from Saturday with Joey seeing Chandler's texts, none of which i want to get into, but he came in and I said i needed to talk to him and for him to sit down...then i said that i wanted to replace our $100 trash can because we just can't get the funky trash odors out of it and our house is just nasty as a result. I would never normally blow $100 for a trash can, but we got a Crate & Barrel gift card when we moved into an apartment years ago, and i thought it was wisest to spend it on something practical like that. Anyway, I said it all serious like "i want to talk to you about something"....but then i immediately said "we need a new trash can"

He burst into tears. I was like "what?" and he said "I had this rush feeling like either you were going to tell me you were pregnant or that you were going to leave me or worse, that you're pregnant and it's not mine".

Sigh. While i've been an asshole and Chandler has been a mini-asshole because he too was in on this, it's not like Joey has gone against our vows. Especially since I said i was moving back home, he's been making efforts. And I've had one foot out the door the whole time. Which goes against my own beliefs, it really does. I don't LIKE cheating. So much that every time I even hugged Joey, i felt like I was cheating on Chandler. I avoided all affection with Joey just because it feels weird to just pass physical emotion from one dude to another. That's not how i want to live.

Why does it feel like this abortion nightmare isn't over?

************************************************************************************
8:10 pm

For some reason I decided just to type the word "abortion" into Google. Nothing else. Just "abortion".

Of course, Wikipedia came up.

There's a section on Abortion and Mental Health . It says for the most part all these mental health associations haven't found anything that would say there's a severe psychological issue after having an abortion, other than sadness, and that a lot of the psych issues were there BEFOREHAND. It suggests that PAS was a term coined by pro-lifers.

It had a blurb though that the 10% of women who have crazy problems after abortions can be matched with the number of women who have extreme depression after childbirth. Interesting.

It also said this:

Men
The psychological response of male partners to abortion has been the subject of limited research. A study of 75 men in Sweden found that most participating men agreed with their partner's decision to have an abortion, and that many experienced a complex mix of emotions including anxiety, responsibility, guilt, relief and grief. Other small studies have suggested that abortion can be a point of conflict when partners disagree about it,and that like women, many male partners experience an ambivalent mix of emotions in response to their partner's abortion, underscoring the complexity of the abortion issue.

Uh right. So they're saying all of 75 men questioned most of them agreed with the chick's decision but also felt a ton of emotions and sometimes abortion causes problems in relationships. Thank you Wikipedia.

24 Days Later - normal life resumes

2008-07-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

8:47 am

Okay so I didn't do the one last major thing i was supposed to do for work, but i figure i can keep my brain occupied by actually working today and hopefully getting it done at some point.

It's so hard to not talk to Chandler, i finally unblocked him from my email and got one this morning from him, plus some IMs...i was going to reply, but then I realized: nothing i can say is going to make him see my side of things. So repeating will only frustrate the both of us.

It's hard though, that he may have been the father, and we are at each other's throats. It was already called off the night before I found out I was pregnant. I didn't anticipate still talking to him, and definitely not turning to him in state of bawling mess.

I might pick up this recovery book since it's religion-neutral (although the cover looks gay. Not like "i like the same sex" gay. I mean, you know...gay. There's no other way to describe it). I guess i would have to get it shipped to work, I don't know if i want that sent to my house even though i'm the one who gets the mail. Oh wait, it's CafePress...dammit, now i've already added 3 tshirts to my shopping cart. Which i'll maybe allow myself one tshirt by the end of the day, since i have to pay for shipping anyway on that book (they really couldn't have sold it as a PDF version?)

***********************************************************************************
1:05 pm

to Placenta Sandwich (which is the best user name EVER): did you buy any of those books yourself?

As for why they don't PDF stuff...that's so beyond me. I mean, that's two and a half weeks away...geezus, two and a half weeks ago i was ready to commit suicide.

Before it was hard going to say Target because of the baby section. Now it's also hard to go by the pet section, which I have to do constantly to get kitty litter. I'm so used to always perusing the dog aisles, i rarely would get anything for Chandler's dog but i still looked in case i saw anything she might like. Like i know what a Rottweiler's tastes are. I think she's a Rottweiler. I don't know jack about dogs.

And here comes the weepy-eyes stuff...mostly because i no longer can turn to the one person I trusted with those bear hugs when i cried over this.

I'm back to blocking his emails, otherwise i will go insane refreshing just to SEE if he wrote me, only to have me delete them without reading anyway. Same for IMs, but those are easy because once you close, they're gone forever...emails you have to do a double delete thing.

I have to call back the girl from the birth choice place who called me last week and said that they may not have any groups going on right now, but she'd be up for just one on one counseling...it's free, so i might see if i can make the trek down south to do that. I need someone, in person, to tell me i'm normal. I'm so tired of being different. I want to be like everyone else. And now i'm in the 1/3 minority of women who have had abortions. I don't want to be in that checkbox.

Looking back, I'm almost in shock really that i did this. Less a month ago...i had surgery. I was put under. It's crazy.

***********************************************************************************
9:06 pm

I'm starting to worry that maybe I gave too much detail as to who I am.

I got so pissed and hurt by something Chandler said that I went over there in a big bawling heap. This whole situation sucks, and I feel the weight of it is entirely on me. Is there any way to suck someone else's pain out of them?

They're both great guys in different ways.
And i'm the asshole being a partial girlfriend to one and a partial wife to another. I want to split myself in two and make both of them happy.

23 Days Later - one day of mental freedom

2008-07-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

8:50 am

Yesterday was the first day I haven't written here since I found out I was pregnant. My friend's wedding was that day, and themoment I woke up it was go-go-go.

I have to admit...yesterday as crazy as it was, was a wonderful reprieve from the abortion/life things that have tormented me as of late. It only briefly crossed my mind at times and well, i had Chandler stuff that was consuming my mind more importantly. Even with one of the bridesmaids who had given birth who got drunk and just kept talking about having given birth, it started to not phase me. It was a little tough when someone who had a 3week old came witht heir baby to the wedding...but then i also became obsessed with how great she looked so my poor self esteem trumped my depression over the baby thing.

There was also considering drama that involved Joey seeing a text Chandler sent me (which my instinct told me not to leave my phone with him, but i didn't know where to put it once i wore my dress for the ceremony...i ended up taking it back after he saw it and kept it in my bra the entire ceremony, which I could have done the whole time. Since it was already loose in the boobs, it actually added a level of padding that I needed to keep the dress up.)

I need to get over my depression. It's not going to change what I did.

But how do I know if i'm just brushing aside the hurt inside instead of dealing with it?

How do you KNOW when you've dealt with it? It's not like I'm thinking "what if I had kept it"...it was a non-issue. Or is that the problem...that I want a child so effing bad, but becuase of my retardedness I put myself in a situation where I had to get rid of it despite wanting it.

Or maybe it's also that the feelings I felt before are so drastically different than the way I felt after the surgery. The physical feelings that changed the instant I woke upand all my pregnancy symptoms were gone...it was STRANGE. And in a bizarre way, I miss it.

Today i will finish up the last of the work I had due that I didn't finish while I was going through my drama...it'll be nice to have that stress off my back.

************************************************************************************
6:50 pm

I seriously appreciate people's comments on this site. I actually didn't think I'd get so many.

Right now I'm cooking 2 types of marinated indian chicken, and one Paprika Chicken with Mushrooms....and already i'm thinking about how being with Chandler, i actually LIKE being domesticated. I used to get excited at the thought of maybe having a household partnership, and having a family...

With Joey, I know it doesn't phase him if I make a microwave meal vs. a real meal (unless it's a HUGE deal that takes all day and he knows it).

But with Chandler, I have to keep reminding myself that we're toxic and full of drama. We're Ike and Tina fo' sho. Ladies, don't ever have even a one night stand (not that I did with him, it didnt' start that way), your affair could turn into full on to love.

Last night, amidst all the drama involving me/joey/Chandler's texts/joey SEEING a text from Chandler, so many people came up to me to tell me how lucky I am to have Joey, how adorable he is, what a great guy he is, how much they love him, etc. The bridesmaid who had given birth got plastered drunk (being baby-free for the night) and she spent FOREVER telling Joey how awesome he was, and how much she just wanted to fit him in her pocket (her husband was there, it was funny, not a come-on kind of way), and how badly she wants us to meet midway in Del Mar for pizza after work. Really...other than an incredible lack of physical attraction for Joey (and oftentimes a general "hey i want to hang out with you" desire), I do have a fantastic husband.

************************************************************************************
8:35 pm

So hard, so hard, so hard to not contact Chandler. To wonder if i'm closing a door on someone who could have been the father of my child.

Damn. "My child". Have i said that yet?

One night when I was wallowing in the abortion and needed someone to talk to, Chandler and i were out on the patio with a bottle of wine...i'm sure he felt awkward, but he tried his best to be there while still making me laugh...and indulged me in all the stupid questions I ask him. Which ended up with him stepping on the firepit to show me how they learn to fight in the Marines, how to get to someone's face when they're blocking it, how they put you in and each person gets a chance to beat the crap out of each other. It was sweet, it was funny, and i know he probably inside felt like "please please let this take her mind off of her pain".

Oh damn, i just saw the best interaction on Desperate Housewives as to how to get Carl to change so Bree would leave Orson and marry him. Okay, not real life at ALL, but her request was so so perfect, why can't i have thought of that pitch.

The problem with "breakups" is that afte ryou have one, you forget all the things that infuriated you and you start to remember all the things that you can't bear to live without.

That being said, i had to block his email address, I keep going to unblock it (i still can see him when he's on IM), but then i tell myself that this is IT.

It's not even ethics at this point.

it's my own beliefs in what i want for MYSELF.

If i want to have kids, I need to be able to show them the things my parents didn't teach me: boundaries, how adults behave, and how to have self respect for yourself. Specifically for the latter: that you have the right to be upset, to not have to suffer through unhappiness for the sake of appeasing someone else.

I want to be allowed to be upset, to speak, to have a fair trial.

I want to be able to show any future kids that self-worth is something their allowed to have. And that loving someone doesn't have to be done by giving up your own happiness...if you are making sacrifices or compromises but you're still unhappy, then don't feel guilty for that.

Now if only I can teach that to myself.

I cried today while listening to this today:

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

I can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice, when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say;
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

***********************************************************************************
11:06pm

Okay this makes me an asshole, but damn if making a baby with Chandler woudn't be the funnest thing he and I would do...it wouldn't stress him out, he'd get a kick out of it, and we'd be at it like bunnies.

I have to wonder why I'm choosing to be with a guy who doesn't seem to be that interested in having kids vs. a guy who is aching to have a family with me??

21 Days Later - it just began

2008-07-01T00:57:00.000-07:00

12:57 am

Hard to call it "21 days" when the day only started. Up again doing work.

Today I spoke to a counselor of a support group in san diego, she was crazy crazy nice. She said if there's no groups yet (she works with someone else to get the list of chicks going) she offered to meet one on one whenever...i was hesitant, but then she said that she'd had one at some point so she gets it. I'm actually pretty stoked.

I havent called that Exhale line, mostly 'cause i am temporarily sharing my office with someone and uhh not a call i can make. And after work it's too hard with Joey around. But it's good to know it's there, i've read good stuff about it.

Chandler commented on something today, and now i'm wondering...at this rate, am I not grieving enough and trying to plow forth? I never get TIME to sit and cry about it, i have to plaster a smile on almost 24/7.

I still get the odd cramp, but it's usually jsut brief and then goes away. Since i never really had them before, that's the only reason why I'm noticing.

It's a little odd not knowing when you'll get your next period. They told me to let them know if I don't get it by Dec 16th. that's crazy to me. It also shows how the instant you get pregnant, despite terminating it, the hormones and crap really do a number on your entire system.

A month and a day since i found out i was pregnant...I remember i did another pregnancy test to make sure. And the lines came up INSTANTLY, there was none of this "wait 3 minutes" BS...urine hadn't even fully traveled up the stick and the extra line showed up. I wish someone would tell that to people w ho are trying to conceive, when i was in that phase last year i would hold the stick up to the light praying that what i was seeing was the positive sign. And iknow other women do that too. It should just say on the box "listen, if you don't see it it's not happening. you'll know it. you'd be blind to not see the extra line. If it's super light and faint, it's just your urine spreading the blue dye. That's all."

Really all that's whacky now is my biological clock. But i gotta get my crap figured out with the Joey/Chandler thing before i even do that route. Which involves wishing i could make two of me...i love them both for different reasons. But..this isn't a relationship blog, and I'm boring myself with my own relationship drama.

**********************************************************************************
12:04pm

I'm happy to have my friend's wedding as a distraction to real life, however i'm not stoked with the weight situation at ALL. I just have to suck it up and realize that exercising is a must, regardless. Plus, if i ever get pregnant again, i want to be back into the habit of working out...this past year has been the laziest i've ever been for working out.

I wonder what it is exactly that has me so incredibly SAD ever since this whole thing. It wasn't like while i had it that i feeling all warm and fuzzy...i was weirded out, like an alienwas in me. It didn't seem normal or natural at all.

I guess i'm sad because

1. i WANT kids. I've wanted kids. It became a big problem in my marriage, the situation with trying to get pregnant. It became my obsession. Then i had it...but couldn't keep it. Ignorance was bliss.

2. I don't even know who the father was, and it's just sad when you're married but unhappy, but still feel like you have to make it ONE last effort...along with having someone who loves you to the depths of his soul, i literally can feel his love for me pulsing through his veins, but because of circumstances, we couldn't even see what it would be like 'normally' and how many of our problems are due to the situation.

3. Everything involving kids, or growing old, makes me think of it. Or it makes me think of growing old, whichever.

4. Damn the crying starts...the ultrasound didn't freak me out per se, there was no baby to see, just that pregnancy sack. But the image...it's in my head...going routinely and watching it grow, excited about one day meeting the one thing inside of you that you will love and protect even if it means giving up everything else.

5. I'm sad because i feel like for what i did, it means i would be a horrible mother.

6. I'm sad because having a baby adds meaning...i feel worthless and useless and frankly, i'm bored with life...not that having a baby is for boredom, but i've gone as far as i can go in life in terms of goals like high school, college, career, house, marriage...it's the next natural step, and i was at a stop for years, and then...i had meaning.

For a brief moment, i was the the only thing keeping something else alive. I know there's no emotions, heck there was no heartbeat, but you start to imagine it being conscious inside of you, relying on you, depending on you to take care of it from the very start.

fuck, bring on the tears. Of which, i have maybe 15 mins to cry before i have to clean up and go to the rehearsal. one...two...three....go! cry! get it out of your system 'cause you don't know the next time you can.

***********************************************************************************
2:54 pm

Damn bridal stuff makes me tired. Did the rehearsal. One of the bridesmaids recently gave birth, so it's been nonstop baby talk.

I had a "your butter" moment with Chandler today. (I'll explain that later). I dont' know if i've ever had one. I just realized that he talked more about change than ACTUAL change...just saying you've changed doesn'tmake it so. And if you're changing what YOU think is important, okay that's fine...but that doesn't guarantee the people who love you will care about that as much as the things that directly impact them. It was like i realized that nothing had changed, really...and wtf, I'M the one who sucked it up last night and asked him for breakfast, of course i would have treated, i'm the one who came to pick him up, i'm the one who wanted tomake sure we maxed out hanging out time...truthfully, i remembered a year ago when we met at the pancake place, and it still brings warm fuzzies. But being 18 minutes late, despite a text saying when i was leaving, a hug and an apology when he got in the car, still constituted him saying "bullshit" when i said that I didn't pay attention to the time in the am and was like "oh crap, i'ts 8 already!"

Or why i stopped at the ATM (because i wanted to pay in cash for breakfast so i'd have change for the tip for the mani/pedi immediately after, and NO i couldn't do it after breakfast because i didn't know where there's a BoA on the path from his place to the pedicure place...

Like seriously? A girl you say you love asked to treatyou to breakfast, comes to pick you up, gets up early herself just to see you on a day when she's swamped but still at least TRIES to make the effort, apologizes and hugs you when you get in the car...and you seriously want to rip into her that she's lying for the reasons she's EIGHTEEN MINUTES LATE? That you want to call BS on me for not knowing the time, when every single time i'm WITH him i never notice the time...i've been late or completely missed things because i lose track of time with him...for the extra trillion hours i've stayed past when i was supposed to leave, he can't cut me slack on EIGHTEEN MINUTES?

So, i lost it. I wasn't going to take an entire day of him flipping on me, nor was i going to tolerate someone telling me "bs" that i didn't look at the time...no, in the mornings, I'm rushing, looking at the time doesn't make me move any faster. Oh and that's another thing...how many times he was still getting ready when we had a time established, and when i rushed him he flipped on me. I wasn't going to tolerate something that he's WITNESSED me doing. I wasn't going to tolerate it because there was no point...you don't call bullshit on someone when they're 18 mins late in the morning, especially when there's more traffic than usual, school bus crap, and i went to bed at 4am doing work.

I wasn't going to tolerate it because that's what *I* need for him to work on and change, but I get to hear for months all the things I need tochange (i had reached my limit on that one back in the BJs' parking lot...it really was like, "enough, i get it, i'm broken, i have a billion things to fix")...but it hit me: this is straight up manipulation, and i fell for it AGAIN...provocation is a type of manipulation, and it allows you to be the victim.

And naturally, he had to make a comment about a CD from 2002 that i had left there by accident..."interesting stuff"...of course, boundaries? what? you think you had the right to go through something from 2002? It's not like i knew you, i wasn't even married, but OF COURSE...he goes through sh*t. I grew up with parents who did that, I have NO DESIRE to be with a guy who wants to snoop through a CD of random pictures, wedding planning, and work writing samples.

I can list a billion other boundary-crossing actions, but that's not the point.

He sent me an email thanking him for setting me free, and commented on being sincere. PLEASE. You can't get more manipulative than that. If you've been set free, then you don't TELL someone. You do it to get under their skin, to make them panic that they've lost you forever.

Sigh, i feel like i've spent all week apologizing to him...i've started saving IMs (which is sad...doing it as a CYA...and it's been quite helpful actually...), and i'm shocked.

Really what it comes down to is...

I'm definitely not the same person as before the surgery. I'm not. I have no defenses. I don't enjoy fighting, i don't have the energy, and my heart is pure putty to the people I love.
Apparently some of the changes have been good, such as putting the wall down and being more honest.
But that also includes realizing that i need to stick by the things that make me unhappy and not encouragewhen them. Things that when they happen, i can feel my self esteem eroding. Or i think "who is this girl? That's not me. That's not me at all".
I'm not saying i don't contribute, far from it.

But there's a level of hypocrisy that I can make serious charts and graphs to show it seems like there's a level of perfection i must attain. It makes me tiptoe, it makes me paranoid, it makes me stutter, it makes me fearful

((CRAP...i had this open on one laptop, but then edited and saved it on another laptop, but then saved THIS version, which cut off the rest of what i had created. Dammit.))

20 Days Later - here's hoping

2008-06-30T02:19:00.000-07:00

2:19am

Yes, another late night but this time i actually got some work done, trying to catch up on everything since the news that I was pregnant.

A month ago on this day, I found out I was pregnant.

It seems like its been a year.

Yesterday I shredded all the paperwork from the abortion clinic. For some reason, the more evidence of the abortion that goes away, the less I feel like myself. I thought it would be the other way around...that once the injection/IV marks were gone, when i had no more bleeding, when the paperwork was gone, when the bill was paid...i would be The Old Me.

But really, it's like removing all the traces of what transitioned the old me to the new me. This girl I don't even recognize. I've been making plans, but they all seem retarded in the grand scheme. Cookie exchanges, ski trips, orphan thanksgivings, 5ks...probably because i'm SUPPOSED to be pregnant. Those things would have a different meaning if I were. Now...it's like i'm an actor on stage, and i get a moment's relief to try to reconnect when someone yells "cut".

Really, nothing seems important anymore. Just pay the bills, make sure the cats are okay, sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.

It's absolutely adorable though when Chandler tries to remind me that at least this shows I wasn't infertile, that i can "have babies". But despite that reminder, why do I feel like that was my only shot?

It aches to not know that in 8 months would have been someone in my arms that would have been a part of me, came from my frickin' body, that i'd love the instant i met. It's such a weird, weird feeling.

***********************************************************************************
8:40am

I'm popping diuretics like they're candy...my weight is totallyb ack up from all the depression of everything and the eating of junk. so much for the brief moment of reprieve after losing some of the "baby weight". It's a killer, this weekend was the ONE WEEKEND all year that i needed to be toned and crap. I havent' even thought about the gym since the day i got pregnant...one month ago...anyway, i figure at this rate i need to shed all the water weight from the mass consumption of salt.

I started to freak out this morning, what if i'm still pregnant, maybe they made a mistake in the follow-up.

The emotions started to hit me again, reading a friend's Facebook feed that her 3rd son is having hearing issues and she's having a hard time getting into some testing center. That wasn't the big deal as much as her saying that when people tell her to wait, she says she has 2 other boys that were born premature and they were more developed at that age and how she just knows when something is wrong. This motherly instinct concept just hit me hard I guess.

Maybe I just want to feel important. I don't know.

Really it's just that this whole abortion thing has whacked out my biological clock. It was already really, really high. Now it's SUPER high to the Nth degree with extreme doubts about my abilities.

At the end of the day I always think "wtf am I doing with my life? Seriously??"

19 Days Later - So, so depressed

2008-06-29T01:19:00.000-07:00

1:37 am

I'm def calling in sick tomorrow. My brain can't function, and I'll get more work done just vegging out at home alone.

I sort of feel bad for bitching about men yesterday. On one hand, Joey just wants to have his normal bitchy wife back. On the other, you have Chandler who so badly wants to help me get through this.

I've been wondering about what constitutes the perfect father, perfect partner. Here's the gist of what I want, in a perfect utopia world, as a baby daddy:

1. Definitely need a man's man. The type who'll fix crap. I don't want ot worry about working the cordless drill with a baby in my arm.

2. Someone who has a strong need to protect his family. that's not just sitting out with a shotgun, but that does include keeping one ear peeled for noices in the middle of the night. That also means being somewhat financially stable...I don't think guys understnad this, but women aren't gold diggers for the sake of the jewelry all the time. It's that if you lose your job, you get another one. We lose a job while pregnant, we're f*cked. you don't get FMLA until you've been at a company for 1 year (i.e. you can only get p regnant after 3 months of being at a job) let alone trying to interview when you're visibly showing. Making sure we don't have to worry about that is part of the protection.

3. A willingness to put aside personal "fun" for the sake of the family. I'm all for making sur eyou don't lose your identity, but going out on Saturday nights every weekend isn't an option after having a kid. Getting to buy all the frivolous fun stuff isn't an option. It's a willingness to sacrifice for the sake of the family, because giving up buying X toy creates a more important gain.

4. An understanding of the importance of family. Lord knows, I can't stand my family. But I grew up with a ton of cousins/aunts/uncles, and that's important. Very important. I don't want kids to be selfish and only think of themselves. There's a lot about obligation and loyalty that is to be learned through family. And respect for elders. And knowing your roots. While my mother drives me up the wall, it is so, so important for my kids to know her and her heritage (even though i don't know it).

5. An understanding about religion. I'm not religious, but i'd like to become more religious. And while I don't need the person to convert for me, I need someone who is supportive of my desire to learn more about my own, and to not mock that to our children.

6. Listen, i don't want to sound shallow here...but damn I'd love to be with a guy who I still want to bone after having kids. I have a friend who her and her husband are crazy horny for each other despite having mortgage stuff, job stuff, 3 kids, etc. They get a moment alone, they go nuts.

7. Simply put: a desire to be the master of his domain. I suppose it's like item 1, but it's more of a personality thing. This is your home...you fix what's broken, it's not all on me. You take care of things. You take responsibility for it and its inhabitants.

8. Sigh...i want him to be one of my best friends.

9. Just being in sync in life. Right now...i'm SO not in sync at all with Joey. We haven't been for years. his long distance jobs, difference in things we find enjoyable...

10. Sigh. I just want to feel like i'm on the same page iwth someone.

At this point in my life I feel like i'm becoming more and more like the girly girl types that i've loathed. Weak girls. ANd now...i'm complete mush. I hate who I've become. I feel like after this the type of person I need is different...I need someone to fiercely protect me because I don't know how I'm ever going to get the tough wall up, the one that took over 30 years to perfect.

Iwant someone who will help me, and i'll help them, not feel like each day is just...another day. I can't help thinking about my wedding day with my friend's coming up this weekend. I think of how that was the happiest day of my life. And never did my 25-year-old self ever dream that over 6 years of marriage later, I would be seeking the comfort of someone else, and having an abortion.

GOD why can't I stop crying.

I was so damn hardworking 15 years ago. I had it all figured out. Everything was going to be on the up and up.

I want a mulligan on life. I want a do-over so damn bad.

I never thought having an abortion would hurt like this. I never ever would have guessed. I always thought it was no big deal. Damn Rachel, i'm so so sorry i wasn't there for you more...this is horrific.

**********************************************************************************
5pm

My brain is so useless today. It's everywhere. Thoughts of Chandler (damn that boy is like a drug...i wish we were in an alternate universe), thoughts of Joey (why am i so unhappy despite having a wonderful husband), thoughts of baby stuff, thoguhts of work, thoughts of the surgery...

It changes you. Having an abortion changes you, no matter how nonchalant you are, cynical you are, or pro-choice.

It changes you.

************************************************************************************
9:45 pm

I don't want to fall back into the same cycle. Of trying to work on things with Joey while still being in love (yes, love...i've been with Chandler for the same amount of time I was with Joey when he proposed) with another guy, but remaining in a state of limbo because well...it's status quo. I get happy with Chandler, so I don't "see" any flaws in my marriage because i'm too busy thinking about Chandler. But then, so much pressure is put on Chandler to be everything and then some, so that if he even fails by a bit, I immediately think "oh! better just stay with the safe option of Joey...."

It's horrible. I'm a horrible, horrible person. I keep wishing for some perfect scenario that involves changing time, or re-arranging the way things are now.

I spent a good chunk of tonight trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. If i begged my parents to help me with tuition to go back to school. Um yeah well t hat's not gonna happen with my old GPA from college.

This whole thing had me thinking about life with a baby with Joey (well, obviously, he's my husband) and life with a baby with Chandler. With Joey, it would be financial security as well as not rocking the boat of our life. But I'm sure i'm the one who would be responsible for everything, and he would be so so lazy about things around the house. i remember arguing with him about whether you can put a car seat in the front seat (uh no, it's against the law). Then with Chandler, it would be a total partnership in raising a child...I have no doubt that he would get up early if he felt I needed sleep, he would help clean...hell he'd be more than okay with me taking any opportunity to nap the instant he came home from work. But that would shake up my entire existence, and truthfully i get scared about being the main breadwinner (i'd make him go back to school). But then...I can't imagine NEEDING the same things with Chandler that I do with Joey. Really, my lifestyle with Joey is more expensive because for me to be happy I have DO stuff that involves cash. Or worst case, watching DVDs courtesy of netflix because i just don't have anything to say to him. whereas with Chandler, all it takes is a bottle of wine and we're chatting all night. I told him how I feel like he's the type of guy where we could do something stupid like get up on weekends and make silly challenges for garage sales, like find something green and gold under a buck...and it would be hilarious. Plus he actually takes such an interest in my life...he knows everythinga bout my friends and relatives that Joey doesn't even know, i don't think Joey even knows how many aunts and uncles I have.

On paper, I make it sound like Chandler is the obvious choice. But it shouldn't BE a choice. I am extremely against leaving one person for another. The question is, if Chandler got hit by a bus or didn't exist...would I stay with Joey? Just keeping the situation within the marriage...how do I perceive things? Which is hard to answer when my brain is on Chandler when i'm home and should be focusing on my marriage. that guy has consumed my mind since the day i met him.

Sigh. I just want a fucking family. I want to find meaning in my life. I feel like the biggest waste of space.

***********************************************************************************
11:30 pm

Oh I forgot to mention that Joey came home with a dozen gorgeous roses. My guilt is through the moon. I get an abortion because I don't know who the father is, and in return I get effing roses.

I am the biggest asshole alive.

18 days later - men can go fuck themselves

2008-06-26T01:44:00.000-07:00

1:44 am

GOD i hate men.
Seriously, all i want is a guy who will protect me. That's it. Really, that's it. That includes the emotional crap too. I literally want a guy who will take my heart and cradle it but guard it with his life.

Lesson learned: don't turn to a guy after an abortion ladies. Find a girlfriend, and turn to her. Okay well thankfully I have Rachel, and thank GOD for her. I don't know if any guy can fathom how deep this will run through you, how intensely this will affect you.

Really, i want to be left alone where no one can say or hurt me. I'm disgusted with how much of a wimp i've become since the 16th.
**********************************************************************************
11:30am

GOD i hate being a sensitive little whiny bitch. I don't feel like me at all...i was somewhat tough once upon a time. Now, i'm just a big baby.

I have cramping again today. WTF. I'm so over the cramping!

**********************************************************************************
1:50 pm

Seriously, i wish i were a lesbian. I wouldn't be in this mess.

The two song that keep getting to me right now are Placebo's Running Up That Hill and Snow Patrol's Set Down Your Glass.

Placebo - Running Up That Hill

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, it's you and me.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts.

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, it's you and me.
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could, oh...

You,
It's you and me,
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

If I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems...

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

Snow Patrol - Set Down Your Glass

Just close your eyes
And count to five
Let's craft the only thing we know into surprise

Set down your glass
I painted this
To look like you and me forever as we're now

And I'm shaking and I'm still
When you're eyes meet mine I lose simple skills
Like to tell you all I want, is now

You sing, and I'm killed
I'm just not the same
As I was a year ago
And each minute since then

My jumper tears
As we take it off
You say you'll sew me good as new
And I know you will

And I'm shaking and I'm still
When your eyes meet mine I lose simple skills
Like to tell you all I want, is now

And I'm shaking and I'm still
When your eyes meet mine I lose simple skills
Like to tell you all I want, is now

the latter song being one that has always reminded me of Chandler.

Everything feels so messy and sloppy now. Nothing is neat and organized. i'm losing track of plans with friends. Other than a bit of laundry, i haven't cleaned sh*t. I forget to call people back. I don't send thank you cards, birthday cards, etc. The thought of going to the gym annoys me, despite that i have a massive gut and my friend's wedding is in a few days.

Everything all over aches. It's a numbing pain...not like something deep stabbing, but more like something is aching inside and i want a pill to make it go away.

I'm tired of existing. Plain and simple.

***********************************************************************************
10:38pm

Damn i'm cracking. Eating like mad, crying/not-crying at the drop of a hat. Joey got mad because i came home 10 mins after he did tonight, even though it's not like we had plans or anything. Then i walked in the room while stupid Leave It To Lamas (which i so, so wanted to like but his daughter is so dumb, it's just irritating) and I explaimed "ugh can you change the channel, i can't stand her!" and he looks at me, then says "uh did you not see I was?" me: "no" him: "and you didn't need to YELL it" me: "i didn't yell. THIS IS YELLING!" Him: "that's what you did" Me: "No, i exclaimed and showed enthusiasm"...

And at this point i was so annoyed about a billion things I made a snotty "sorry, i'll make sure to be void of all emotion".

It's 11pm, and i'm supposed to do work still, and i'm just...argh. I just don't give a sh*t anymore about anything.

17 Days Later - life feels fake and empty

2008-06-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

11:00 am

I can't believe it's 11, and i've got all this crap to do. I shouldn't have made lunch plans. I just want to curl up in my car and sleep.

Last night, saw Chandler. Did stuff that I shouldn't have done (what can i say, that boy oozes sex appeal. And...it just feels NICE to be in someone's arms who actually knows what's going on).

Came home, Joey wanted to "finish stuff from this morning" and I was like "uh no. i'm going to bed". I'm all for my wifely duty, but not after some stuff (not everything, but stuff) with Chandler, not after having already been through this for months where i felt like a whore doing that, and also because i wasn't able to go through it again and silence the crying...really, how important is sex in a marriage? I want to like it with Joey, i really do, but after this past time and the feeling of absolute misery during it...and him not even finishing (oh thank you, 2 months ago you decided to finish but NOW you don't???? Would have been better if that had happened TWO MONTHS AGO!!!)

I need to keep a physical distance from Chandler...certainly not because i WANT to, but because it defeats the purpose of everything from the past few weeks if i do. It defeats the purpose of what i've put him through, of Joey not having a wife who's mentally all there, and for everything that i've been through...it's just too hard emotionally feeling like i'm constantly betraying two people who love me.

I'm trying to find a support group today, but damn if they're not all bible-based, and that's SO not happening. Even if i thought this was even remotely about religion i'd go, even though it's not my religion. But this isn't about God and I...while I believe in God (very much so), i sort of have this thing that right now he's kind of like "girrrrl...you're on your own with this one. Leave me out of it. " i feel like even God is annoyed at me because of my wallowing, and he's just like "GOD (ha no wait...) SELF...she needs to just figure this out already".

Sigh, just called another one and they're currently only doing one pretty far out. This effing blows. yay for me for doing this abortion in a bible-thumping pro-life stepford wife county.

I found a site that listed typical feelings after an abortion (it was interactive), here's what I listed:
Alone
Anxious
Ashamed
Beaten
Broken
Changed
Confused
Dead
Degraded
Depressed
Dirty
Empty
Exhausted
Fake
Fragile
Frozen
Grieving
Guilty
Haunted
Isolated
Jealous
Longing
Lost
Miserable
Mourning
needy
numb
obsessed
raw
ruined
sad
selfish
struggling
stuck
tortured
ugly
unloved
unprepared
unworthy
violated
vulnerable
weak
worthless

I'll go more into each of these later.

************************************************************************************
2:32pm
Well i gave in again to eating disorder stuff. Wonderful. Plus now i'm starving as a result, so i'm pretty sure the calories i'm consuming now are more than the ones i ate in the first place.

I can't think. really. I have so much crap to do today. I just want to curl up in a ball.

So back to the feeling stuff, her'es what it's like...17 days later:

Alone
Well this is a given. It's not like you can go around telling your entire family. Even with a miscarriage if you don't tell the whole world, you eventually will start telling people. This is going to the grave with me.

Anxious
This one is hard to explain why. The surgery is over. THe follow-up is over. But now it's like...i'm waiting. For what I don't know. I think it's like if someone committed a heinous crime, it's like waiting in case the cops are going to find you. Even if you're sure they never will, or they close the case, you still forever feel like you're being watched...that you're going to be caught...

It's like, it never feels like this torture is over.

Ashamed
Definitely. I have no problems with abortion, but i never wanted to be in the category of people having them. I don't care if 1 in 3 get them, hell one in four people get herpes but I don't want that either. And that i did this considering for years i bitched about wishing i were pregnant. I'm in my 30s. I'm smarter than this.

Beaten
Yeah, i feel like Life just beat the sh*t out of me. Life, you win. I concede.

Broken
Back to the ashamed thing. I didn't want to be in this category. There's an unbalance in the force: the number of pregnancies vs. the number of children I'll have won't match up, and that was by choice. Like, you wouldn't tell a guy on a first date "oh btw, i had an abortion...in my 30s..."...the guy would be like "i'm outta here, girl is crazzzyyy".
Not that i'm looking to impress any guy, but waht i'm saying is that that's the litmus test.
I don't feel like i have everything to offer like another girl could offer someone, there's a whole row of china dolls but i'm the one with the big chip or hairline crack. What could I have to offer that any of the other perfect and unbroken dolls couldn't do?

Changed
This isn't just becuase of the internal angst...my view on abortion itself which i felt passionately about has changed. My view of myself has definitely changed.

Confused
Goes with the territory when you feel changed. I don't know how to process all of this.

Dead
I feel like up until the searing pain in my hand, i was The Old Me. The instant reality kicked in and i realized this wasn't a dream by the incredible pain, that's when i was no longer the Old Me. I feel like I aged at that moment, and it hardened me...but somehow i'm a weak wimp in the long run.

Degraded
Yeah. The legs spread, the black noose stirrups for the legs, legs spread with 2 guys in the room, if i think about it too much i start to cry because it's so incredibly humiliating. I cannot believe my girlyparts were just...out there like that. God i wish they had done that when i was sleeping.

Depressed
Obviously.

Dirty
Up there with degraded. It was all in secret, not through my insurance (i would have paid cash if i didn't want the air miles), that i was doing something that people did in back alleys with wire hangers. That i didn't know who the father was. That i'm MARRIED and i secretly got an abortion. Who the fuck does that? Who the fuck doesn't know who the father of their child is????? I am straight up a Jerry Springer incident. Had i kept the baby, the first thing it would have had was a paternity test. That's awful. That's just plain awful.

Empty
That's what happens when you voluntarily remove something that was in you that brought you meaning and worth.

Exhausted
Before i was exhausted from the hormones. Now, the depression has me exhausted. Trying to act like i'm a normal girl has me exhausted. Pretending things are okay depletes every ounce of energy, let alone trying to do real world stuff like laundry or work.

Fake
See the above exhausted part. I'm pretending to be a housewife with a normal life when really i had an abortion because i didn't know who the father was. I feel fake because i'm smiling when really, i wish right now this second i could just bawl like i am on the inside.

Fragile
Yeah it's safe to say that i'm a bit loco right now. It doesn't take much for me to crack or go postal.

Frozen
To me, this is that I can't move forward. I feel like i'm stuck in this nightmare.

Grieving
Obviously.

Guilty
Obviously.
Not like i felt i had a choice...i really didn't. But that I wanted to be pregnant so badly for years...all of 2008, it became my obsession to get pregnant. And now in 2009, i'm obsessed with what i did to no longer be pregnant.

Haunted
Yeah this is where your brain gets nutty. Let's not even discuss the nightmares when i'm sleeping. When i'm awake, i get sudden images popping in my head. What it'd be like to be pregnant. What giving birth would be like. What he/she looks like in my arms. Imagining either Chandler or Joey with a baby in their arms (i love Chandler's arms and i stare at them constantly, so that one kind of messed me up). The room that was meant for a baby if we ever had one. Stuff on tv, stuff people say, it's the beating of the telltale heart everywhere i go. I'm so close to just screaming I DID IT.

Isolated
Same as alone.

Jealous
I'm jealous of other people who didn't screw up like i did.
I'm jealous of my friends who have kids and the life I want.
I'm jealous of my younger self for being able to make choices based on having the luxury of time...a luxury i no longer have.
I'm even jealous of all the other possible girls Chandler can be with, have babies with them...
I'm jealous of people who seem happy right now.

Longing
I definitely long to be pregnant again...to know what it would be like to carry to term...to have it in my arm...

Lost
This makes me question everything. Not just my marriage, but even down to my job, my place of residence, my ability to ever be a mother.

Miserable
Uh yeah definite given. The things that made me happy before...not anymore. Now i'm just a warm body in different environments. Like a cutout doll...place me in a party. Place me cuddling on the couch with Joey. Place me at work. Fake smile, deep down, i'm miserable.

Mourning
I guess i am, but not very well. See Longing.

needy
I feel like a big ass baby. I'm sure Chandler has his own feelings, and i'm just being an emotional vampire by being all wahh wahh about me. Wanting big hugs makes me needy for sure.

obsessed
So obsessed with this whole thing. Everythinga bout pregnancy, about the surgery, you name it. I'm even sad that i don't have pregnancy symptoms anymore. WTF IS THAT?! Whywould i be SAD about that when i didn't want that in the first place????

raw
Yeah. Part of being fragile. Everything stings. It's still so fresh.

ruined
See broken.

sad
Obviously.

selfish
Yes, the beauty of extreme depression is that it breeds narcissism.

struggling
Obviously.

stuck
This is like the Lost thing. I don't know what to do. I don't know what direction i'm supposed to go in. I don't know anything other than wallowing in self-misery and lself-oathing.

tortured
Oh, i replay so many things in my mind. Then i listen to friends' pregnancy and baby stories. Or allthe crap on tv that i watch. I want to rip my brain from my head ot make it STOP.

ugly
That's a given. Not only am i physically a fat cow as a result of the depression eating, and how much i feel i've aged, but i just feel like...everything about this is plastered on my person.

unloved
Part of the self-torture...i got rid of the only thing that would have been immediate love fromthe start...an unconditional love. It just seems like the love between a newborn and its parents is immediate and...without that option now, i feel like i'm...blah. i can't describe this one. Maybe it's more like, "unlovable".

unprepared
BIG TIME. I had no idea i'd feel this way.

unworthy
See Unloved. I feel like the only thing i deserve is to be punished.

violated
Yeahhhh...that's part of Dirty. It's all about me, spread legs, and 2 guys in a room.

vulnerable
See fragile.

weak
See vulnerable.
I'm so weak...everything makes me crack.

worthless
That's a given.

*************************************************************************************
10:55 pm

Awesome. I'm trying to catch up on work since i did jack all on Friday/Weekend/Today...Joey comes down wanting to get his mack on since i apparently promised him last night that we'd continue, and he flat out told me resented me, and then flips on me for the current mail situation (which is a whole other beef...when he can't find something, and then i find it exactly where he says he looks, he says "well i don't know how it got there, i didn't put it there, i didn't find it, etc"...uhhh well you looked hours ago, i didn't go in that room, i then find it...did the cats put it there? i put the mail in the EXACT same spot every time, don't then say "i didn't open this"...i didn't open your bill, that was you, MONTHS ago, not my fault you didn't go through them and now you wnat to blame me for your bill magically being opened???)

he knew i had anxiety yesterday

I'm not at a point where i can be a "wife" right now...i'm struggling just to not slit my wrists...and now in turn i'm resenting him, when really i should be happy i have a husband who wants to spend time with me. I just want to be left alone. By everyone.

16 Days Later - still have issues

2008-06-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

1:30pm

Today i've had cramps...not horribly bad, but not light either.

Last night, halloween party, trying to smile and act fun, when deep down: no, i'm not fun. I'm not me. I did something really bad. Not just the abortion, the secrets that i've had for over a year now. Not being able to reconcile the stuff in my head and heart vs. my real life. Having this second life of sorts, which i did growing up and it took its toll on me...and now, that way again.

Came home around 1, was EXHAUSTED. Joey wanted to get his mack on, despite my rushing to change into sweats, glasss, etc...i brushed him off...then this morning i had this horrible guilt, the last time we did ANYTHING (including kissing) was the time that i possibly conceived in September. it's November now. If i'm gonna make a true effort to feel like i made an effort, that includes wifely duties liking making my husband not feel like he's in the friend bucket.

I'm not going ot go into details of anything other than: during an act that may or may not have happened, i started crying midway. Now i've cried during intimate moments with the odd guy (well...3...and most of the times was with Chandler, but that's also 'cause of the emotional connection that we had and i guess i'm psychotic and cried, but it was towards the end when it was over)...but this was different. This was sheer misery. Thinking about the abortion, about how i desperately want a child but i avoid sex with him like the plague. That i wait just long enough in between that when we do, i forget how sh*tty it is.

Thing is, Joey dind't have his contacts in and he's blind as a bat. Plus when you're hair is all over hte place, and you can sort of turn the crying into other sounds...I wish I could explain what i felt at that moment. Sort of like a feeling of....extreme absolute misery with no end in sight.

what have i done with my life?

************************************************************************************
4:05pm

The answer to all depression: sleeping. I could sleep forever these days. Before i was tired because I was pregnant...it was a different kind of tired. Like i just never got enough sleep. This kind of tired is different...this is old skool depression, lethargy, disinterest in life.

ugh.

************************************************************************************
5:22pm

Sundays depress me after 12:00pm. Because I know that i have to get ready for work, what with all the work I haven't done in ages. Stuff that i should have done months ago but was dealing with Chandler drama, my own personal depression, then October 4th: the pregnancy...it's one thing to scrape by with work it's another when you're flat out sinking. I...am sinking. I meant to do a ton of stuff today but the VPN is super slow, and i can't think. I straight up CAN'T THINK.

For 5 weeks, my life had meaning. Not the meaning I wanted...but it had meaning. Well i shoudln't even say not the one i wanted...i just....wish I had known who i would have shared that meaning with.

15 Days Later - recovery begins?

2008-06-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

(lovely. i started to get emotional and wanted to write in here, and right when i did that Joey came up, started talking to me, kissing my forehead with his overly-unshaven face which huurrrts, and now had hopped in the shower. Seriously...ALL day he was downstairs playing video games, NOW he has to come up? When i need to cry and unload???)

1:20 pm

Now that the follow-up is over, it's like the only things that remained as evidence of my surgery are now gone...now it's all in my mind.

My appointment was at 2 yesterday, got there around 1:45 with Chandler. No wireless, poor guy had brought his laptop. The tv this time wasn't airing the history of Afro-Cuban music...it was Maury Povich and some woman who's husband took a lie detector test and showed he got all sorts of STDs from cheating with over 10 women.

I saw the girl from 2 weeks ago who had the horrible MGD tattoo behind her neck and lip piercings. It's funny how different people look when they're not wearing jogging pants and the look of "i'm having an abortion" on their face.

I filled out some more paperwork, then waited...waited...I was freaking out about something due at work, I managed to barely access my work email through the teenie web interface on my phone.

I peed in a cup at one point, then went back and waited, waited. Some lady was having some sort of hissy fit about something, and CHandler was being a smart-ass about her a bit loud...having him there actually did make me feel better. I guess I was weirded out a bit because when I had been there waiting, it was early on a Friday morning with a room full of chicks waiting for surgery. On a Friday afternoon for a follow-up, it suddenly morphed into a normal clinic.

So they called me back, and I was stuck in a room for an hour with a ton of women just WAITING. Then they got backlogged and women had to be sent back to the office. Chandler doesn't have a cell right now, so I couldn't text him to tell him to go grab something to eat, i felt awful knowing he was starving. Nor could I text his email since there was no internet in the lobby.

After talking a bit with the girls in there, i figured out the situation: friday mornings = surgical abortions. Friday midday = medical (pill) and follow-ups. The obnoxious loud girl was complaining about how the only reason she got the medical abortion was because no one, not even her husband, could pick her up 'cause no one would leave work. I acted understanding, but geezus chr1st, if a friend of mine needed a ride after an abortion i'd take an effing day off work.

This room was the same room i was in where I had to change and get my blood pressure taken. They had built some sort of wall around the lady's desk, so the other girls couldn't hear anything although really, you could. At this point I was suicidedly bored. Was texting Rachel like crazy, along with another friend who had an abortion at the same place (but obviously she has no idea i ever got an abortion). I get called up to the little desk with faux wall. The lady there is this old lady who was adorable, but slow as molasses and clearly the reason for the bottleneck.

She told me that the pregnancy test came up negative but that my "ppos was 2" or something like that, and i'm like "2? 2 what? what does that mean?" and she tells me that the ultrasound chick will tell me. Oh earlier I had ran into the ultrasound chick in the hallway, and I thanked her for being so great 2 weeks, that she had made the experience much better.

((Joey just came out of the shower, which means now i'm distracted and I can't fully unload. Argh. ))

The adorable old lady then tells me i can start taking baths, use tampons, and have sex (which made me cringe...it's like your grandmother telling you that you can have sex). OH at various points during the day they tried to talk to me aobut birth control, i suppose i could have gotten a month of pills for free but really i wanted to say "no sex. ever. again.", instead i lied and said "i'm going to get BC pills from my regular doctor" which shut them up.

FINALLY...i get to the ultrasound. As it turns out, after 5 weeks it's supposed to be like 5 grams of tissue taken out, but there was only 2 grams (or whatever measuring unit, i only remember the numbers). So that's why i had to do the ultrasound, so they could double check they got it all.

So she checked, took all of 20 seconds. She asked if i had questions, i was like "nope, you've got a lot more girls in there you need to see".

I got out...the lobby was empty. Looked for Chandler, he was outside, LIVID at the receptionist for ignoring him when he had questions (plus they kept saying i'd be out, uh yeah for hours?)

Felt awful.

Oh they told me if I don't get my period by Dec 16th, i should call them. I was afraid i'd forget but that's one of my best friend's birthdays.

After leaving Chandler (and him making a valid point regarding us, despite my bawling, he was absolutely correct in his storming off...I got too close again after going over last Saturday, and it's dicking him around.) it's like my fickle superficial life began. As it always does. Plaster the smile, act like stuff that doesn't matter...does.

Went and bought DJ Hero and Guitar Hero with Joey, watched some tv and tried to not cry at every baby something-or-other commercial.

Today is another superficial day. Going to a friend's yearly halloween party. Oh which of two slutty costumes will i wear despite feeling super fat and no desire to be slutty, sexy, whatever.

I'm kind of getting a kick out of some of the bible passages people are writing to me. I don't disrespect it...i think it's sweet that people who are religious still look to my welfare vs. flipping on me for killing life. I also am fascinated with people's abilities to memorize the Bible. That being said, my religion doesn't knock abortions (at least, early trimesters)...the idea is that if life can't sustain on it's own, then it's not life technically. Which is why if i'm on life support, pull the plug when my eyebrows need plucking again and/or my upper lip needs waxing. Whichever comes first. Still...my point is, it's kinda nice that no matter what people's belief systems are and that i'm a complete stranger, everyone's been nice instead of berating me for this decision.

I was a bit weepy earlier, but now i'm doing okay. Maybe...it'll be okay?

*****************************************************************************************************************

6:01pm

And here i thought i was cool. Catching up on old Desperate Housewives, Susan telling Lynette how despite 9 months of puking and screaming when that gift arrives....a baby is a gift.

I LOST IT.

Just bawling at the thought of something that would have been part of me, coming out of me, loving unconditionally.

A little hand reaching for it's mother.

Sigh.

I feel like a fat ugly horrible person. It's a bizarre type of guilt. I know i had to do it...that wasn't even debatable. But then why do i still feel so awful, and miss something that wasn't mine to keep?

14 Days Later - follow up apt

2008-06-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

9:00am

Mother effing morning.

I couldn't find my key fob rushingi nto work for an 8am meeting, had to get a temp one, then when i got in my office i found mine, then jetted to grab a sub and left both at my desk.

Talked it out with Chandler last night. Damn if he and I aren't extremes...when it's good, it's mind blowingly awesome...when it's bad, we're world war 3.

My follow-up is today, i know for sure i have to do a pregnancy test but I don'tk now what else is part of it, like a pap?

I had to remember to shave my legs/bikini area today...i haven't done that in 2 weeks. Note to self, buy new razors.

I also inspected myself...all physical signs are gone. The marks from the cardio sticker doodads on my chest, the rhogam injection site, both spots on my arms where blood was taken or the IV went in, and most of all the back of my hand (it's a little bit darker than my other hand, but only if i stare hard enough. it will always look different now to me).

It's funny how to they go over so much physical post-op stuff with you, they never told me anything about counseling or anything else. No one told me it would be THIS bad. I always thought girls who were forced or coerced into it were the ones that felt bad. I never thought that simply it not being an option was bad enough, especially when you're in your 30s and you DO want kids...

And it's your first pregnancy...Maybe when you already have kids, and you're already a mom, that's one thing and other issues i suppose...but to never have been a mom but for 5 weeks...i was a mother...i had effing life inside of me...i had something that would have been half of me and someone i love (uh who exactly i don't know) and they would have ran around and been a little Mini Me...that's pretty mind-blowing.

If i think too much about how i was a mother, even temporary, i go berserk.

Yesterday was definitely a bad day in the emotional department. Really bad. I'm hoping today maybe it will be better. Everything still feels so fake. This weekend's big halloween party...everyone's all excited about it, it's our friend's yearly bash...but inside I DONT CARE. I have a bunch of costumes to pick from, everyone keeps asking me, and deep down i'm like "whatever fits this fat gut because of all the eating you've done".

So i ateduring the pregnancy 'cause i was crazy starving, then i dropped a bit...now i've gained purely from eating out of depression (as she bites into her footlong buffalo chicken ranch sub).

I have a ton of crap due at noon for a coworker, at least i'll have a distraction till my appointment this afternoon.
***********************************************************************************

12:45pm

I feel like a little baby who's doing a big girl task. I don't WANNA go to the follow-up!

Really, I'm pretty sure in "real" life i seem relatively competent. Inside though, it seems like i'm always struggling to catch up. My mental to-do list is never ending.

Chandler was sweet and offered to go with me today, which i hope it's not a bad thing that i asked him in the end to come...i normally do this crap alone (hell, i REALLY wanted to drive myself to/from there, stupid rules...), but i'm afraid of having a massive breakdown and if he's there, the breakdown will be kept to a minimum.

Leaving now.

13 Days Later - baby daddy drama

2008-06-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

3:05 pm

I'm sitting here my heart racing at some words from Chandler...drama drama...when that guy can hurt, he's the stealthest ninja ever...you don't even realize you've been sliced and cut till he's already gone.

The only thing that stopped me from curling up in a ball at my desk was this that a friend sent me at the perfect time, God bless her:

We Are Douchebags - watch more funny videos

Seriously. God bless her.

Yesterday was a bad day. Bad. Very bad. As in, I gave into an eating disorder habit that I've fought constantly to get over. Why did I get the one disorder that you still need in moderation...today sitting here struggling with not repeating it.

Probablyt he same for other addictions, that when you do it once or twice it's AWESOME...last night, i felt better after. I did. Straight up. Which makes it all too easy to do it again. Considering i feel puffy, fat, ugly, disgusting, it would be so easy to just keep eating and eating to try and numb everything.

I just want to be numb. The pain from all of this is so incredibly unbearable. It's not just the abortion, is the jacked up relationship with Chandler as well, the combo of the two is just ripping me apart. And i know he feels like he has nothing to offer me, when he has no idea that being there this past weekend was what stopped me from walking off the ledge.

Feeling like someone was there with arms, a kiss on the forehead, whispers that its okay...everything is okay to feel...

Which is the hardest part i guess. Growing up that feeling is bad...and i felt for so long with Joey that i couldn't feel, because everytime I spoke it resulted in something being broken (including my spirit). And then feeling the same from Chandler...damn I must purposely put myself in this situation, i must gravitate it...focusing on his needs and all of his problems with me, the laundry list, every day waking up to a message of the next thing i did wrong...right down to not guessing correctly what id id wrong...

I don't have the energy post-abortion for anything anymore. Relationships, etc. I'm struggling to keep my job (since it's been almost a month that i've been dealing with this). In the past month i've pretty much alienated myself from most of my friends, most having given up on me, others being all "uh wassup you haven't replied to anything in weeks".

I'm a selfish bitch for being wrapped up in all of this, for wanting to put myself up in a virtual blanket coccoon vs. the world, instead of focusing on everyone else's needs...i want to, i do, i swear i want to not be this asshole...but i just physically can't.

My heart feels like a big block of lead. The thought of lifting it exhausts me.

Actually, everything exhausts me. And it's my own fault, for having gone to Chandler this past weekend, feeling those arms around me comforting me...because now i know what it's like and what i want, but i can't have.

Do you know what it's like to feel incredible pain but have to smile and suck it up? it hurts. it's hard. The only times i can pull it off is when i can run to my car, drive it somewhere, then cry for like 5 mins, then snap out of it so i can drive back to work. Inside, right now, i'm a bawling disaster...on the outside, i'm trying to swallow the lump in my throat, my leg is twitching, and i've got tears in my eyes, every muscle stiff and and tense. This is how it is...at home, at work...i wanted it to not be that way around Chandler...well, i should know better. And i don't fault him...i'm the one who gravitated towards him. I'm the one that allowed this.

Truthfully, I feel so incredibly worthless. And i had something that made me...worthy...and i got rid of it. Like i had some sort of prom queen crown. It wasn't mine to have...but giving it up, it's like the light that was on me is gone and i'm left in some dark corner, back to being this unspecial worthless waste of space.

Okay that is seriously emo kid-quality right there. GOD i can't even be original when i'm wallowing in misery and pain.

can someone please tell Chandler to stop messaging my phone...i never ONCE accused him of being the cause of my drinking, not once...that's the 3rd time in a day he's accused me of something i didn't say, at least the other times i could copy/paste and show what i wrote...how do you tell someone you love that their words are like daggers? Sigh, i'm not innocent though, and it's my selfishness that keeps HIM on this leash too, because teh thought of him being with someone else, when he loves...he gives his entire heart. The thoughto fhim having a kid with someone else...i would be so, so happy for him because he would be ecstatic...but of course the selfish bitch in me would be so, so bitter.

Tomorrow...tomorrow it'll be over. The last of the appointments. The last pregnancy test. The last time someone who's NOT my doctor checks my girly parts.

I haven't shaved my bikini area since the surgery, i don't really care since sex is the last thing i want (despite this replacement baby feeling...and that Saturday, somehow i wanted to literally rape Chandler i've never felt that intense before, he really would have had no choice if i didn't stop myself)...i feel as attractive as a bloated baby beluga.

So where are we almost two weeks later? Well it felt super bad at first, plus those stupid pads didn't help. Then i got a reprieve, maybe 'cause i had Chandler to turn to, and now we're back to feeling disgusting, self-hatred, definite thoughts of suicide or at least, self-harming behaviors. Oh, and ability to concentrate = 0.

I sit here at work, wondering what the point is. Then i think how if i had something to look forward to at home and something that i had to keep my job for in order to protect and take care of, then i'd haul ass all day. Man, my 8 hours would be productive. But now...what's the point? Seriously, what the fuck is the point? Somehow my entire body for the past few years has wanted nothing else but a child, something to make the years of staying in my parents' violent household till i was 23 worth it, studying something mind-numbingly boring worth it, the suffering in a place that will never feel like home to me, fighting the eating disorder, the daily grind of jobs that amazingly transitioned to a career...something to make it all worth it.

The problem is that when you feel like your life doesn't have much meaning, then there's not much point in keeping it around.

Joey is going out tonight. I so badly want to down a bottle of pills and just forget. I want something that will remove this hurt.

Last night I had to go out with joey because I felt bad over the weird way i've been acting. And while it was pleasant, it wasn't some fancy romantic date night. In order to ensure that he wouldn't even THINK about sex, when we got on a topic about WW2 i kept pushing something that i knew drove him nuts (he's very, very pro-America...whereas i tend to think like...well...the rest of the world...since i'm from another country, parents from other countries, that reps from 3 countries vs. his biased american view...come ON...and i didn't even say i was right, my argument was "maybe there's another perspective that's all")...

I'm not happy being with joey. I wasn't happy with Chandler. Is the problem me? If that's the case, then i'm just going to suck it the fuck up and just plow through life or off myself.

MY GOD...years of therapy and self-improvement efforts down the drain.

I feel like i committed the worst crime ever.

Sh*t i cant' breathe. going outside. it's not even 4. don't cry again. don't.

**********************************************************************************************

4:06pm

i am NOT doing okay.

i mean, really not okay.

words of "you are selfish as hell" repeating in my head

ninja he is indeed. Trying to tell myself that of one thing people have told me, it's that i'm NOT selfish, i'm not selfish enough, that i give a lot fo myself to my friends...

i already felt like a selfish asshole for taking up 3 days since the surgery to talk his ear off about the pain i was in.

i am selfish as hell...i can't seem to shake everything that i'm feeling off of me, and it's all "me me me" right now as a result. And i'm so effing weak...someone could say they don't like my shoes and i'd probably jump off a cliff. Everything since the abortion has made me weak. I want my shields back, right now i'm faking that i have them.

What if i never get those shields back. It's been 13 days since the abortion and just from the stuff i've been around i know i'm definitely not as strong as i once was.

***********************************************************************************
4:31pm

sigh. i guess that really is it with Chandler. peace offerings and olive branches get swearing and nit picking over him saying pluralization of texts (of which, he messaged me to my phone. I can't send a text to his IM first, i need something to reply to, and he sent 5, i didn't reply to them all...so don't make it sound like i "keep" messaging when YOU initiated it!!! and my last one was a peace offering, since when is THAT bad???)

i'm more than just sick and tired of needing fucking permission from fucking men to fucking FEEL SOMETHING. everything right nwo FEELS TOO MUCH. I just want to fucking numb everything.

I actually went outside and contemplated checking myself into a hospital. But i don't know how that works..."hi, i'm thinking i'm going to down a bunch of shit so help me?"...that's retarded.

I just need to stop everything that's been hurting since the 16th.
This is so fucking isolating.

If i'm going to be home alone tonight, then i really am scared for what i'm going to do.

12 Days Later - cramps? Still? Really?

2008-06-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

1:30 pm

Mild cramping this morning.

The medical clinic called and said that they need to reschedule my follow-up appointment to this Friday, instead of Monday, which is SO much better. I just want that chapter closed. I never want to see that clinic again. Plus the girl who called me sounded so much like a moron I thought it was a prank call. She did the "i'm here to call about your appointment...regarding the visit you had on the 16th...." trying to be all stealth.

A comment left here: I think about having a baby ALL THE TIME. But it is because I am 31 and ready. Not because I want to replace the baby (babies??) I aborted. I get jealous of young people who seem to have it so easily, those people who don't even seem to think about it and pop out kids like it is no big deal. And I am jealous of my 25 year old self to be able to have that choice.

This nails it. Being in your 30s, looking back on yourself years later wondering wtf you were thinking, thinking you had all the time in the world, that you want to enjoy your selfish years while you can. I didn't get anything out of those years, i didn't go to Italy like i've always wanted, I didn't go on crazy benders (not any more than my friends with kids), I didn't do jack. All that time that could have been spent building a family. And people say that they want to "enjoy" years of marriage, etc before having kids...whatever. I wish now i had cranked them out while things were still good, when the act of making babies was fun and enjoyable.

Thanks to some stuff Chandler did 2 weeks ago, Joey is in freakout mode...last night i got drilled about secrets and him feeling bad. Which then leads me to have to spend a ton of time with him and all that. Which a wife should do. Just right now, I want to curl up in a ball on the bed and read Real Simple/Wired/InStyle and let my brain be distracted for awhile...alone.

GOD please don't let him want to do stuff tonight.

I want to be married to him...i want us to have fun again...i just don't care to be physical with him.

I don't know if that's because things really aren't good, or if it's because I'm NOT one to do multiple dudes, and being with Chandler i feel loyalty to him when being physical, so much that when my husband leans over to kiss me, i feel guilty. That's jacked up. I need to know: does it make me cringe because i wish i were with Chandler, or does it make me cringe because we just aren't compatible, period?

I'm an evil, evil person.

Today's crying session almost started when i was driving to get my haircut at lunch. Really it just stemmed from not being happy. Happy people don't get abortions (do they?).

I know we work to live, but where i live is very expensive and the insurances required to keep where i live, and thus, really i'm living to work.

An abortion definitely puts your life in perspective.

**********************************************************************************************
3:10 pm

So one thing that was important to me before all this drama was to learn to just speak your mind rather than bottle things in, letting them fester, letting them grow in size, creating resentment. To just say if something hurts you, and if the person doesn't like it well..you said it at least. How they react is their problem.

Tried that today with Chandler over some stuff from last night. made the mistake of actually providing an example when he asked. Silly silly me. It got turned into stuff i wasn't doing, how he wishes he heard praise, etc. Not even addressing the original concern. And the killer part is that he always says how he doesn't want people hiding things for months and him not knowing, how "just tell me!"...how he doesn't want me to tiptoe or be afraid to speak to him...unsure why I have all this stuff i've never told him out of fear...

His reply is exactly why. And it's exactly why I was unhappy, and why it wouldn't work out. It was a great wakeup call.

While I appreciated him listening to me about the abortion, and it helped me tremendously, it's pretty clear that I need to clam up and take it from here alone. I don't have the emotional bandwidth to handle this abortion crap combined with having to tiptoe and repress anytime i'm hurt. Even as a friend.

It seems that the men in my life over the years are only interested in things when they're good, or if they're crappy then crappy about something unrelated to them. If there was ever a commonality in the types of guys i've dated/married, that's one of them. The white knight type that promises to kiss all the pains away and take care of things...but oh, the fine print exclusions say nothing that involves THEM unless i'm willing to subject myself to more heartache.

I read his email while i was on a super important conference call trying to learn a new product that has a very tight deadline (in 2 weeks), the instant i read his reply i just stared at the screen...my eyes welling up...couldn't even take notes anymore on the conference call.

The problem with telling people you had an abortion is that there's a tremendous amount of vulnerability you are putting in their hands. And maybe it's not their fault, it's not like they have a ton of experience with this type of thing. To me, it feels like someone close to me in my family died. I'm in a fog, in disbelief, i don't even know if it's hit me that this has happened.

Sometimes I feel numb, othertimes i feel like i'm a rush for something...like right now. My heart is POUNDING. I feel this incredible sense of dread and doom.

Trying so hard not to have a meltdown at work today. I feel like i'm gonna be sick.

************************************************************************************
3:50 pm

GOD is it any wonder I firmly believe he loves me but doesn't actually like me.

Anyway, this blog isn't about the relationships with either potential baby daddies.

it's about the abortion, which wtf today is REALLY fucking with my head. I thought i was maybe on the up and up yesterday. Turns out, not so much. I feel like an emotional basket case, trying desperately not to let the tears that are welling up in my eyes not spill out over my face, a coworker came in and i had to not blink once in order to make sure those tears didn't pour out.

4:39 pm

Okay really...i'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I don't know why this feeling of pending doom and anxiety is overtaking me, to this extreme.

Going to attempt to bawl all i can before Joey comes home, since i told him we could do dinner and if i seem distant, we'll have a problem.

I feel like a puppet to everyone right now.

*************************************************************************************
6:40pm

I didn't get a chance to call the local support group for this stuff, I was IMing Chandler for an hour and then they closed. Maybe it's too soon to go to a support group for this type of thing? I just want to be proactive in getting over this. I don't know if that's pushing too hard to get through this OR is it good to try and take care of this relatively early on.

I want this dark cloud that follows me to go away. The burden of this guilt is incredible. And it's guilt for something that i CHOSE, and sadly i know it was the right decision, so why do i feel so damn sh*tty about it?

Those phantom pains...it's so odd.

I had a biological clock before...now it's on overdrive. I have this incredible yearning to hold a baby right now.

I made the mistake of looking at my "perfect" friend's family portraits online...she's gorgeous, her husband's pretty good looking (well, he's not aging well...he was hot in highschool), their absolutely stunning daughter...the yearning to have that almost ripped my heart apart today.

11 Days Later - Emo Kid Attitude

2008-06-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

9:42 am

I feel like a whiny-ass emo kid. "Oh the world is such a dark and horrible place wah wah whoa is me". But it's how i'm feeling, and i'm not trying very hard to NOT feel this way.

11 days later, I got choked up this morning driving to work. Just about the isolation really, nothing specific. The cramps are super minor at this point (knock on wood). The antibiotic prescription I had was for 7 days, but i've started taking my tetracycline prescription (which i got for breakouts) to make sure that whatever is going on inside isn't going to get infected. I've had 2 fevers since the surgery and it really freaked me out.

Last night's nightmare was about Michelle Obama. I guess I was trying to act cool in front of her but instead I made a fool of myself. And you've seen her face...that girl could stare anyone down and make them cry. She's intense.

I was hoping just a night of watching Mad Men on DVD with Joey would suffice for any quality time and distract from my demeanor, but apparently not: before going to sleep Joey started asking me why i was so distant, what was wrong, how i shuoldn't keep secrets (all of this stemming from some crappy actions that Chandler did 2 weeks ago), etc. I felt awful. This isn't his fault. He deserves a wife who isn't wrapped up in her own world. And i can't keep using anxiety as my excuse. So i tried my best to suck it up and ask him about work, etc, but trying to feign interest in anything right now is like asking me to do one of those strongman competitions. After 2 barrels, my entire body is depleted of anything and I just want to collapse into a heap on the floor.

Plus i'm worried every time he hugs me, etc, that he's going to want some. i want NOTHING right now, i want to numb every part of me. let alone that i CANT do anything anyway, but even if i could i think i would just lay there and pray for it to be over. Ever since i became pregnant, i've felt dissociated from myself physically.

It's weird too, laying on the couching watching the DVD, he'd rub my arm, reach my hand, etc, and i'm just so used to Chandler's skin it's like the difference between someone who's done hard labor their whole life vs. someone who gets a paraffin hand treatment each night. Joey's skin is softer than mine, and it actually kind of creeps me out. Like a girl is holding my hand or something. I dunno, I guess i just like my men...more manly. I wonder how much of the soft skin thing is because Joey has lowered testosterone? To feel safe, i need rough guy arms around me, nothing delicate.

And now i'm the biggest asshole because this is the stuff I think about. I have a husband who loves me and WANTS to be there for me, who sends me Tiffany's to my work to surprise me, and all I want to do is lock myself in my room like a teenager and cry over how much I hate my life.

On the other side of the spectrum is Chandler, and his email this morning to me is so ridiculously sweet it's slathered in sugar.

You are the most important person in my life.

If I could choose to do 1 thing everyday for the rest of my life, it would be to lay down to sleep next to everynight and know you were happy I was there.

But Id give that up, along with all of my wishes and dreams to be able to take away the pain that you are feeling now.
Anything you need from me. some help running errands.....maybe just to listen...or to..to give you a hug...come see me

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART...

You'd think having two wonderful-but-in-different-ways guys loving you would be fantastic, but really I feel like i'm screwing them both over of what htey want. I don't feel worthy. And I wasn't happy for years in my marriage with Joey, but I also wasn't happy for the past while with Chandler. I felt like i was desperate to make THEM happy. And when you're that close to two guys, things start to overlap. The number of times that Chandler would say something that he told me he liked or wanted, and i'd be like "really? since when?" only 'cause i'd have his needs confused with Joey's needs. Or in a fight with Joey, i'd reach out the way I reach out for Chandler in fights, but that's a huge no-no. Eventually I just wished for a mental cheat-sheet for each of them, I could no longer keep track of what was right in one situation vs. another. Imagine two jobs, two different employers two different sets of rules...

After the abortion, i just couldn't handle it anymore. The one i'm in now is the one i'm in, period. And i'm not pursuing another one until this oen is over. And if i'm too scared to truly follow through (sort of wish i had a year ago when i said it, now i'm just another year older) then that's tough luck for me.

I have a 2 hour company-wide meeting in half an hour, and i want nothing more right now than to run ot my car and start bawling.

Today probably won't shape up to be a good day.

*****************************************************************************************
1:52 pm

Sigh, today has been a pointless day. As are all days, really. I'm so over life.

I just spent 10 mins on the phone with my friend's other bridesmaid who recently gave birth chatting about C-sections. Fortunately she's funny ("I'd rather get my belly cut than that spot down south if ya know what i mean! f*ck that sh*t!") but still...the word "pregnant" makes my heart absolutely stop.

When you're pregnant, you have something to look forward to. Being pregnant but not having anything to look forward to...maybe if the instant you got the surgery the symptoms left too it'd be one thing but because you still have pregnancy symptoms even a week later, it really effs with your psyche. Like your body is preparing for a housewarming but doesn't know there's no guests. Your body has no idea that you'd stripped it of the fetus/embryo. So it's still cooking, cleaning, folding new sheets all in prep for a guest that never arrives.

Oh geezus i did NOT just imagine whatever they sucked/scraped out of me in some jar for testing/analysis, and then later burning with other hazardous medical waste.

I can feel "replacement baby syndrome" kicking in. That's not a good sign.

***********************************************************************************
2:52pm

Someone posted asking if they can post the link to this blog on another site, here was my reply:
lol "Placenta Sandwich"...that's awesome.

Don't apologize for the long comment, it's not like i have that many people to talk about this to so any positive comments are a Godsend!

And fo' sho, you can post this blog tot he list. I can't imagine it being all that useful considering I wallow like i'm a Twilight Bella Wannabe, but go for it!

This whole experience has drained me both emotionally and physically. It's not even 3pm and I'm wiped. I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep. And forget.

It seems there's two branches of extremists out there when it comes to people who've had it done.
You have the types that do it, it sucks, but you get over it. I guess in those cases it helps if the reason you can't is really, really strong (like risk of your health, child's health, you and your spouse both agree that it's just not something the whole family can handle, you're 16 and your parents would put you in a body bag like mine would have).

Then there's the types who obsess to the point of remember the day of the abortion, the day it would have been born, naming it, etc. There's no way in hell i'm coming up with a name. I briefly for a day when I believed it would have been a boy I thought "Connor", not because i would have named him that, but that ws the name of Scott Peterson's unborn son when he killed Lacy and the morbidity of the whole thing just stuck with me. You won't see me saying "mommy loves you" autosignatures, etc.

I'mn ot knocking those who do, i'm just saying, there seems to be extremes even within the "club" of people who've had abortions.

What about those of us in the middle...those that know we didn't really have much choice butw e sorta still did, that we're gripping with the guilt of doing something we thought we were okay with, and that we're trying as best we can to be cool cats amidst the internal anguish?

I don't know what i'm babbling about anymore. I want to get out and drink.

Summary of abortion feeling

2008-06-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

The feeling you have after an abortion is of complete isolation.

I feel so alone. I wish someone else was on this island of isolation with me.

10 Days Later - Dreaming is bad

2008-06-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

It's been 10 days. As Chandler said, it feels like months ago.

I had a dream last night that would be amazing for some. To me, it was a nightmare.

I was in a big room, kind of like what a highschool or college lab would look like, with little workstations with sinks and people with labcoats everywhere. I was giving birth, and as it turns out, i was having twins. I was just laying on one of the workstation countertops. For the second baby, i was having an out-of-body experience, like iw as still on the countertop but I was also standing next to me, holding the second baby. I was premature with both, they were so tiny. And the second one was breathing or moving. And i stood there, praying for it to open it's eyes up, but then I also thought "well, at least I havea nother anyway" Then it's eyes opened and it started coughing. Its hand looked all jacked up, and I asked the doctor about it. (the british asian/singaporian doc from Mercy, whose pic i can't find online amazingly) She said something about some sort of condition the babies had. Then she told me I had to start getting a ton of calcium.

So I get up and start wandering around trying to find milk, it's like a mix of my previous jobs and highschool all mixed into one. I saw this chick Michelle that i used to work with, as well as Melinda who I went to highschool with. And outside was this big cooler, the kinds used to store flowers but it was like a vending machine. So i was still wearing just the little paper outfit you get in surgery and I hopped into it, and was digging around trying to find stuff with calcium. Some guy came in, and I had to tell him I was looking for all the milk.

Then I realized I should probably start telling people I had babies, like it was weird. I was shy to tell people. Wondering if they cared or what they would think. People were congratulating me, but in the way as if you tell people that you just won $100 in a scratcher or bought a used car. Mild interest. And then someone told me I was the 9th person from HS to have a kid (like not that many people had), and i was like "WHAt are you talking about?!" and i listed everyone i knew with kids. Then I realized I had to find Joey, because he wasn't with me when i gave birth. I found him, and he was crying over something, I don't remember what. And i was like "hey...where were you...i've been trying to get a hold of you...i gave birth" and he had some sort of excuse, and I was like "seriously...just leave your effing cell phone on!".

Then I went back to the college-looking lab room to find the doctor, and she pulled me aside to lecture me that I had said something earlier that offended her. And i didn't remember what I said, nor did I get what the problem was when I said it, but I just nodded and apologized.
This for sure is a carryover from one time that Chandler lectured me for something that offended him and I was so stunned, it was the night I told him i was in love with him, and I just nodded and apologized but I really didn't understand why but I knew if i said that, he'd flip out and iw as wayyyyy too vulnerable to risk that.

Needless to say, that dream really fucked me up.

It also fucks me up that when I was in highschool and I read about palm reading and I read that the number of lines on the side of your hand meant how many kids you had, and I had 2 strong lines but one faint one, and I told my friends "I guess i'll have 3 kids but one will die". Thanks Younger Self for making that come true.

A comment I received on this blog:
Thank you for being so brutally honest about this. Thank you for sharing this. It's releiving to know someone else is out there with this fucked up set of unexpected emotions.

I'm humbled that people actually read this, and that no one's given me some pro-life lecture. And brutally honest is the only way I know how to handle this, in "real" life I have a smile plastered to my face...this is one of the few rare spots (other than unloading to Chandler and Rachel) that i can't just unload so I don't go around like a ticking time bomb. But if this helps anyone else out there, then i'm definitely glad.

Last night, had some more cramping. I feel like such a douche for bitching about it, like it's not THAT bad, it's more just...odd...because I rarely get cramps so getting them in general is weird.

****************************************************************************************

2:10 pm

Everything seems like i'm sleepwalking or in a trance. People speak to me, and my usual reply is "huh? What?"

I just want to know that everything physically is at least back to normal. If i think about it too much i start to get upset...the thought of "scraping". It makes me shiver. The thought of some dude being in there scraping "curettage" while i'm completely knocked out.

This past weekend I spent time with Chandler, talking about stuff, and it actually was crazy therapeutic. It meant a ton when i tried to tell him how i feel like i need to be punished for this and he just looked at me with that look of his and told me to just stop, that i've punished myself enough, to view this from a different perspective...maybe that just wasn't the time for this one, and it didn't have consciousness so maybe this one will be in the next round. Interesting perspective.

I just have to be careful...otherwise i'm defeating hte purpose of saying it's over and that i need to know what's what with my marriage. I'm not falling back into the cycle we were in.

I just can't shake this feeling that I got rid of something that would give my life meaning. I seriously feel like nothing more than warm body on this earth. I'm a drone, but i don't feel like a drone...i WANT to feel like a drone. Being a drone but not feeling like one hurts.

And i don't want to be a member of this club that i'm now in.

Repeating in my head is the word "mother"...i was a mother. This body had the potential to have something GROWING inside of it. It felt very odd and alien at the time. Like "wtf can i start making milkshakes and pizza too? am i baby takeout machine?"...but now, it's kind of like, holy crap...that is incredibly POWERFUL, to be able to create and grow a baby inside of you, another human being...that's an incredible powerful thing that guys will never experience.

Oh, and apparently, neither will I now.

***********************************************************************************************
4:10pm

Went to Target today, had to avoid looking at the baby section as i walked by it. And then I was in the book section (picked up Kathy Griffin's latest one...i need a good laugh) and naturally there's a TON of books on pregnancy all popping out at me.

I so badly just want someone to hug me and tell me it'll be okay. I want someone to tell me that this won't haunt me forever, that sh*t happens, that i did the best of a not-so-idea situation, that i made an okay judgment call, that ultimately:

I'm not pure evil or scum of society for what I did.

I can't stop feeling like i'm pure dirt. No, mixed dirt. Even worse.

******************************************************************************************
5:15 pm

And this is where the tears for today starts. Was IMing Chandler, and i made a wallowing stupid comment about the abortion, he didn't get it, and i kept having to explain it, and I really just wanted to STOP the conversation, i wanted him to say "ah whatever crazy lady i don't get it but whatever", i didn't want to have to explain for 10 mins the whole thread again, why the one quip tied into something else, how i said it becuase i was feeling sorry for myself...

Like i get riled up REALLY easily as a result of all of it, and I already feel like i'm not entitled to feeling what I feel. I get he just wanted to understand the thread, but having to repeat things on the topic, and just feeling like i have to explain why i said what i said means to me that i have to defend what i said and why i feel what i feel.

I feel like dirt. that's what i feel like. I feel like a stupid teenage kid who didn't know vaseline breaks down latex or that you can get pregnant having sex standing up. I feel like I was smarter at 16 than I was about this. I feel humiliated that teenagers protect themselves better than I did. I feel humiliated that I spread my legs so someone can go in and "scrape". I feel humiliated that I had to dress like Patient X in blue. I feel humiliated that I had to wear effing pads last week.

I feel humiliated that I had to go along for the ride of whatever my body was going through.

I felt like a rag doll the instant the test came up positive. That i was just following the direction of whatever everyone else was throwing me, even if that was just a silent voice of what i should or shouldn't do. I don't feel like i did this for me, i did it for what would have been my kid, I did it to spare a lot of other people everything from financial hardship to heartbreak to family embarrassment. I felt pushed and pulled in so many ways. Right down to what clinic to go to was like this one, no that one, no back to this one...

I feel humiliated for being a rag doll, a stupid irresponsible rag doll who risked other people's futures because i screwed up the burden of responsibility and birth control that was on me.

I am my very own Degrassi High episode. Old skool, not the new generation. The one with Joey and Caitlyn...the chick who slept with Joey at the very end of the show (didn't she get an abortion? I thought she talked to Spike about what it was like to keep the kid).

Point is: i feel humiliated. Straight up slushee thrown in my face in front of the world.

******************************************************************************************

7:40pm
Drove home, bawled, realized I left my cell phone at home, had to turn back around, it took over an hour to get home from work.

I feel so empty. Shallow and empty.

What am I doing?

I just want to run away.

I tried to find airfare to go back home, but it's like $700-$800. I can use my airmiles, but there's so many restrictions around this time of year (Tbirdday and Xmas).

On the drive home I kept picturing the ultrasound. It really didn't bug me at the time, even days later. i didn't SEE it. I just saw the placenta pregnancy sac doodad. And now that image is burned in my brain. THe shape, everything. And how it could have grown. What it would have felt like seeing it grow each visit.

I've decided to stop thinking of the gender thing. I could run with the boy thing and take it so far i'll go nuts. So for now, no more thinking it would have been a boy.

GOD the amount of betrayal I've done to Joey. He loves me so much, and he has no idea his wife went through effing surgery. And Chandler, i pretty much flashed in front of him what he wanted and then took it away. To be honest, both of them deserve so much better than anything I have to offer. Both of them should be with devoted women who adore them, becuase when each of them are at they're best, they're the most incredible loving guys to be with. And i've been blessed to have both their love, and right now I feel like complete pond scum for not being able to give either of them what they want.

How I'll get the vision of Chandler's arm without a baby in it out of my head is beyond me.

*************************************************************************************

8:36pm

I have a feeling of pending doom. I swear I'm not normally THIS melodramatic. I normally am trying to get a grip on things. But right now, it's so much more comforting to allow myself to drown in this depression that's unlike any other I have ever felt.

9 Days Later

2008-06-17T04:02:00.000-07:00

4:00 am

Why am I awake....

Joey had a bach party to go to, and during that time I went to talk to Chandler...it was really, really good. Like a totally different side to him. To both of us...him realizing that i have to do mything, and for me to just break down and be honest about how much i'm hurting from the abortion. He was like "i had no idea the sadness and pain, you hide it so well...but now i see it in your eyes".

On the way home, I was annoyed because it was 3:30am, I had to drive another guy home too, both of them were drunk and retarded. Joey rarely drinks,b ut when he does, he's obnoxious. I guess everyone is when they're drunk. It got to the point where i SCREAMED at both him and our friend to stfu because they were irritating the crap out of me, and I was cramping so bad. I had chugged like 5 glasses of diet green tea and my bladder was ready to burst almost 8 hours later. Which resulted in extreme cramping in my girly parts, the usual from the abortion.

Maybe what i needed was the hug I got from Chandler today, the reassurance that i did what was best, that he harbors no ill-will against me for anything.

Sigh in the end, we're all a little fucked up.

Right now this second I feel like i'm "over" the abortion issues but realistically...i'm sure by around 11am I'll be a basketcase again. I really, really was looking forward to Joey being out of the house so i could just kick back and CRY all day, but it turns out he's canceling his plans as a result of the anticipated hangover. That's the problem with marriage. You're never alone. You get married so you're never alone.

Sometimes, you just want ot be alone. And when you have nowhere to go, you find yourself crying during your shower, or when blowdrying your hair, or the little trips in the car to the grocery store. My house has zero privacy. Hell, if you're a teenager going through this you could cry in your room and your parents would just believe whatever teen angst story you give them. When you're married, it's all about that openness crap. Saying "i don't want to talk about it" isn't an option. In fact, just trying to hide and be left alone isn't an option.

Thing is, Joey is a good guy. He spent the entire ride repeating how thankful he was that i picked him up, despite me saying that it's my job as a wife to do that. He loves me with all of his heart. My friends think he's fantastic. Sigh. But when it comes to the logistics of daily life, that's where we fall flat. Oh, as well as the bedroom stuff.

Oh a word to the wise to anyone who's had an abortion: even after pregnancy hormones are gone, a new wave of hormones kick in. I call them the "let's make another baby!" hormones. I feel like i'm one step from clubbing a guy caveman-style and getting nasty in order to get all his juices. It's amazing I didn't chain Chandler down when I saw him tonight (sigh, as always, there's an intense physical connection), but as much as I have this incredible drive, i also don't want to do anything that will ruin my girly part gotta wait 2 weeks after plus a thumbs-up before that happens and I have this fear that i won't enjoy it the same anymore anyway and damn if I didn't enjoy it with Chandler to the nth degree.

Yes folks, you heard it. I want to have a baby. Bad. Something in me tonight just kicked in high gear. I can't explain it. It's like after hanging out with Chandler and getting to talk about some of my feelings, my biological clock took steroids and blew up.

Lemme tell you: pregnancy is nuts on your body and mind. Nuts.

******************************************************************************

11:30am

Seriously, the inability to just wallow and process has to be done uninterrupted or at least, in private.

This morning, wanting to just vent and unload here, but that's when Joey came up and plopped himself down next to me on the bed to watch tv. And I can't say "uh don't look at my screen". So then what happens is that I shove everything down, or at the very least I keep it from bubbling to the surface, but then something will trigger the intense pain and I literally am drawing blood from digging my nails into the palms of my hands.

I love my husband. i do. He's a great guy. But I find myself not really enjoying time together, i find him annoying me, and I long to just have time alone. But maybe that's just me, becuase my parents lead the most independent non-marriage lives (well...my mom being at home alone miserable, my dad tending to his religious causes and my relatives)...i would sooner plan trips with friends than plan one with him.

So out of guilt, I make even more plans with him, becuase i don't want him to THINK i don't want ot spend time with him.

My confession is that when I said i would give it one last shot, I never wanted to turn down anything intimate with him despite the numerous times i did NOT want to (minus maybe severe exhaustion)...because then that's not making efforts...really the reason I never wanted to and don't want to is becuase it just plain sucks. And I know it's not all me. There's an incompatibility that makes it seem like a monkey is having sex with a rhino. That's about as attractive as i feel when stuff is going on. Anyway, i was so upset for years over the state of our sex life relative to babymaking that i pointed this out when i asked for a divorce. So then when i agreed to make ti work again, it seemed fair to me that i better be open whenever he wanted (figuring it would be like once a year, as usual). Well, he did want it a few more times than I expected, and it resulted in me feeling like an absolute whore because I was still doing stuff with Chandler.

The confession part: i had come back from doing stuff with Chandler, and 2 hours later Joey is trying to get it on...and I"m trying to hint that i do NOT want to do that, but I didn't want to bruise his ego lead to a fight blah blah so I did it. TWO HOURS difference. I wanted to vomit when Joey was all commenting how wet i was. Umm, no...that was probably leftover from Chandler.

I am disgusted with myself on so many levels that this type of thing happened over the course of the past few months. And that's also why I couldn't have a baby...even if I knew the father, i'm not okay with my baby swimming around in the juices of another guy. Or being exposed to another guy's penis. I know, it's not like it matters to the kid, but it's just wrong on even more levels.

I so badly wanted each of them to feel loved, but in doing so I did things that made me feel one step away from a teenage thai hooker. And neither of them knew...Chandler was always under the impression taht Joey and I didn't do stuff, which for the most part was true. It's more like, in the past recent while he's been trying to be all mister romantic, and wtf kind of wife am I if i reject my husband when he's trying to be romantic...despite having 0 interest in it? I hate feeling like i was deceiving Chandler...it's one thing to cheat on your husband, but usually the guy you're cheating WITH has full disclosure, and i didn't know how to tell him that it had upped from once a year to maybe once a month. Ugh. The stress of it weighed heavily on me.

This abortion was a wakeup call for sure.

8 Days Later

2008-06-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

2:58 pm

I'm not doing well. At all. It feels like something inside of me died. I can't explain this level of unhappiness and pain...it's unlike anything else I've ever felt.

I was doing some light emailing back and forthe hte past day with Chandler, and I was starting to send an email just to say "hey, btw, thanks for your call of concern last night, i was doing okay then but today i'm scaring myself with how unwell I'm handling things"

But then simultaneously he sent me an email that actually sounded pretty pleasant. Like he sounds like his day is going to be going pretty well. So i deleted my wallowing email, and just sent him a reply commenting on something mundane.

You can't have it both ways. you can't abort a baby that possibly belongs to one guy, tell that guy you're not happy and you can't do this relationship, and then wish you could wallow to him because you're afraid you're going ot down a bottle of pills or start cutting (i've never cut, and i loathe scarring) or turn to your other vices.

I miss his friendship, truthfully. When i met him, i never thought a year later he might be the father of my child. I liked how quirky he was, his ability to make me blush, his crazy stories compared to my mundane suburban life.
How it was pouring rain, and i didn't know what to do about air in my tires, and he came out all dressed from work and took care of it for me.

I'm trying to lose the weight that I gained from the pregnancy chow downs. Although i don't have all the groceries i need to eat healthy. So far today i've had:
6 massive chunks of cheese (leftover from the dinner thing last night): 414 cals
6 oily greasy but oh so deliciouis crackers (leftover from last night): 105 cals
Microwave veggies: 112
Big ass bowl of cheese popcorn (my vice): ~400 cals
TOTAL: 1031 cals, which sucks balls...when i'm training/exercising, i need to keep it at 1200 and i'm not doing any exercise right now (yes, i've had trainers, i've worked out for years...i'm short and small-framed, i don't need that much on a daily basis). And it's only 3:30 pm.

I just want to forget everything.

***************************************************************************

4:26pm

Man, I don't know how people who do things like murder people can go through each day. I'd crack within a few hours i'm sure...i'd walk into Albertsons and start screaming "the body is in a rug in the dumpster i can't live with myself!"

Is it normal for it to consume your mind more than week after an abortion?

Maybe I'll feel better after the follow-up.

I had some minor bleeding (discharge-like) this morning. I know you're not supposed to lift anything over 15lbs, and damn there's a reason for it. I lugged a 35lbs container of kitty litter from my car all the way upstairs (and i have all the upper body strength of a kitten right now, ironically)...i felt like my uterus was going to fall out. Even a week later, your body is definitely still recovering.

My left arm still shows the mark from where they drew blood. The right arm looks okay and that's where i got the IV.
The back of my right hand is still red and bruised. Still sore to touch. Still reminds me. The pain. The begging. The pleading. The intensity of the burning that shot through my hand to my arm to my body. The incredible fear.

"Any true pleasure comes with a price"

2008-06-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

"What feels good, comes with a cost...at the end of the day the question is, how much are you willing to pay?"

It's Day 8 after the abortion.

I feel defeated.

I joined that PASS forum (link) and ti's great, although it can be triggering for a ton of feelings that sort of didn't even think of, perspectives that i was like 'Wtf'. Plus, the thing i hate about chick-type forums (i.e. non-tech ones) is that women do things like put glittery auto-signatures...ummm in the workforce, your autosignature is short and simple. For a reason. An auto-signature that's huge, glittery, and has a ton more text than the actual forum entry, is impossible to read and distracting.

Okay that aside, it's definitely comforting to know that the crazy feelings i have for something that was my own decision is common.

Also that I'm not the only married woman who had the "oh gee, who knocked me up" moment.

I feel like I robbed myself of the wonderful opportunity to tell someone that they're going to be a father...like going out to dinner and handing him a baby rattle...or even being funny and just taping the pregnancy test to the shower door in the morning...don't cry don't cry don't cry....

What's weird is that I have no idea how my husband would react.
Whereas...i can see Chandler's face perfectly. Then again, i DID tell him, but his was more like Ralph Wiggums in that "I choo-choo-choose you" episode and Bart freeze-frames the exact moment where Ralph's heart breaks...since i said all 3 bombs in one swoop (i'm pregnant, i don't know who the father is, and i'm having an abortion. Uh well at least i'm not like a typical girl at times...i get right to the point).

Damn Chandler for being so hard to get over him. Him and those blue eyes (effing blue-eyed people always know they have great eyes, like a bmw driver parking right next to a pinto for us brown-eyed people) that pierce right through me...they can melt me when he's crazy in love with me, but they can terrify me when he's angry.

I should rename this blog to The Life and times of a girl going through an abortion unsure of the baby daddy and her breakup with her non-husband while unsure of wtf is going on with her marriage.

Maybe "I'm really having an abortion" is just better.

One thing I read that was interesting was how women who have a miscarriage are allowed to grieve and people send them flowers, etc. Whereas abortions aren't like that, but it's the same feeling.
I don't know how much I subscribe to that. Most of my friends who've had miscarriages don't tell people until long after the fact, they suffer in silence too. And I think there's a huge difference when it's out of your hands vs. making the decision to do something crappy.

There was a girl going through a miscarriage when I was there, and she said she didn't want another child (there was a high chance of problems, and she already had one autistic child who took up all her time which was alienating her other healthy child) but that she felt relieved that she didn't have to decide to abort it, that she was miscarrying anyway.

Then again, I guess a miscarriage when you didn't want it is like an abortion jackpot of sorts. As opposed to a miscarriage if you wanted it.

Here's the thing:
When i was pregnant, I didn't feel pregnant. I felt gross and fat. And with an alien in me. I didn't have a glow, I was breaking out.
I didn't feel associated to what was inside me. But then again, I didn't allow myself to. It was never a moment to consider that it was mine to keep. Well that's not true...I tried to consider it, and I just felt like that kid would have a lifetime of hell and resentment against it, and it would be shortchanged of all the things it SHOULD have. It wasn't about inconveniencing me like pro-lifers always say.
But in a perfect world, i would have kept it...maybe if I knew who the father was for sure i would have kept it...maybe maybe maybe.

You can't anticipate the loss you feel for something you spent the whole time planning to get rid of.
I want to hold my stomach and not have that "bomb inside me going to explode" feeling that I had. I want to feel like I was able to nurture something.

It's not just a baby that i lost out...I gave up an entire experience.

Last night, one of my girlfriend's brought her one year old over. Ever since I've been wanting to be pregnant, I've felt awkward around other people's kids. Like, it's just embarassing holding something that everyone always ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS asks you "so when are you going to have one?"...Maybe other women who want to get pregnant love to be around children, I wanted to stay as far away as possible because i felt like I was being taunted.

And now...even though it wasn't mine to keep, it was just renting a spot in my uterus...I feel this incredible sense of loss, not just emotional but physical...i can't explain it...like something physically is unfinished. Almost like a phantom pain.

Argh, Joey just came in to watch tv, I can't even fucking mourn without interruption. 24 fucking hours...i need a weekend away in ahotel where i can have a box of kleenex, this diary, and NO interruptions. Fuck real life.

*********************************************************

Rather than make eighty posts a day, I'll just keep adding to existing ones per day.

It's like I have to allocate time just to feel. I've always had to do that. Growing up, household crap, especially in a home where crying = vulnerable = weak. And now, what am i supposed to do, just bawl 'cause I feel like it and tell my husband "oh, it's nothing. Just leave me the f*ck alone"?

So he was showering, I was blow drying my hair, I had to stop, sit down on the toilet lid, shove a towel in my face, and bawl for all of one minute. All while listening for the shower water to stop. I don't know why I was crying earlier. Just a big ol' heap of unhappiness. Unhappy with teh Chandler thing. Unhappy with my marriage. Unhappy with my career (my job is great. Sort of. I mean, if I cared about something so ridiculously mind-numbingly boring and very, very technical).

I keep imagining running away somewhere. Somewhere where there's all 4 seasons (granted, i hate 3 of the 4). Where i can afford to be a stay-at-home mom (umm, that would require a husband who can afford to do that...i think odds are higher that i'd be the one working. sigh). I want to go out on an autumn day, with a stroller, ON A WORK DAY, leaves falling, baby all buttoned up snug warm, and just...relaxing. Being a mom. Neighbors all knowing each other. Preparing dinner, waiting for daddy to come home...him coming home, swooping our child in a big bear hug...having a relaxing night by a fire (of course a fire), glass of wine, baby sleeping.
Utopia.

Okay, I know that NEVER happens. I'm not naive. I know for the first few years you're sleep deprived. I that the instant baby goes to sleep, it's all laundry and lord knows what else. I know that romance is out the window.

And in this scenario, I can't figure out who the father is. I'm married, I have another man that i love, and yet, i can picture the unconceived child better than I can picture who the husband is in this image.

Oh, this image that takes place in Virginia. Although I have a strong desire to live in Savannah, i guess anything in a cute quaint spot.

My mother was a stay-at-home mom for the longest time, when i was in highschool she got some part time jobs to make extra cash. But she kept insisting to me that a job was important "in case something happens to your husband".
It wasn't until after I married that I realized, she didn't mean death. She meant, divorce. Something she could never do, or felt she could never do, because she didn't have the financial means to take care of herself and a family. (Hi, alimony much?)

Take a girl who's already got life issues, already has YEARS AND DECADES of regret, and add an abortion. That's a recipe for disaster.

oh yay Joey went for an oil change so it's okay for me to just lay in bed and bawl right now.

I walk around like Lady Macbeth, imagining the blood on my hands, thinking "unclean...unclean".

*********************************************************
1:30 pm

I need to wrap up the last bit of work. I have to. It was due yesterday to get in the project build. I can't even think. And all i have to do are TWO measely edits, then re-PDF the whole thing.

Watching Mercy. Story of my life, in a weird twisted way. Marine nurse has an affair with a doctor who falls in love with her and move to NJ to be with her, but she ends up reuniting with her husband, and now they're trying to have a baby. Chandler being a marine, every time they say that word i think of him, let alone all this baby stuff.

A commercial came on for NCIS featuring Rosie Perez, and the screen said something about "protecting her baby"...

And i start bawling all over again. I had something to protect. Something that was mine. That wasn't one of my cats. I know men are responsible for protecting their families and sh*t, but for the first 9 months, the onus is solely on the woman to protect what is inside of her at all costs.

I thought I was protecting it. From father issues, family issues, a mother harboring resentment (I never, EVER want to say what my own mother told me weekly: "I wish i'd never had kids, I wish i'd never had you"), everything.
So why do I feel like I did something reckless?

The 16-year-old version of me wouldn't have reacted this way. Maybe down the road i would have started to feel bad, especially after trying to have kids. But now..in my 30s, it's as if I murdered someone then ran off, and now i'm my own Edgar Allen Poe rhyme. Commercials and people around me are my own heartbeats and ravens screaming "nevermore".

I've spent my entire life trying to be normal, like everyone else, and now I go and do something to alienate myself even more. I hate being part of this club. I feel like I have a scarlet letter A on my forehead, but for different reasons.

I'm also desperately trying to avoid any physical contact with Joey. Really, NOW he decides our once-a-quarter sessions need to be upped? Well, i guess it makes sense, the last time we did was early September. Possibly during my fertile window. But I can't do anything till after my Nov 2nd appointment, and right now i don't want it at all (and doing it with him is depressing as it is. For me, doing it with him was for 3 reasons over the past few years: to avoid fights, to try and get pregnant, and hoping maybe THAT time it'll be good. Sigh.) ever again, let alone with him. Which is a whole other issue, how important is sex in a marriage. It's not like when you're 50 that it matters. So i should stop placing such importance on it. But for now...my thing was, i wanted to feel like i truly TRULY gave it one last effort. Which i don't feel i ever did after moving back home. And true effort means being intimate, even when you don't want to. Which I really, really don't want to. And tonight he's going to be at a bachelor party with strippers which means i have a wifely duty to take care if i don't want him to be bitchy, or to give into his own addiction which has caused problems, which i blame myself for as well.

Wow.
I'm pretty fucked up psychologically. I definitely did this baby a favor.

Funny how i call it a baby now, but at the time i didn't even call it a fetus. It was an embryo. Plain and simple.

Everything just feels like the motions.
even more than before.
Damn...I wonder if I weren't on Wellbutrin how i'd REALLY react.

***************************************************************
2:12pm

Would someone please tell me why I just sat through a hospital scene on tv where a chick had to deliver prematurely?

Oh, now i'm REALLY fucked up in the head.

Maybe it's not so bad? A week later?

2008-06-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

Had a dinner party tonight.
It went amazingly well, despite my constant fear that people will see how nasty the kitchen cupboards are, how the upstairs is a disaster, how we have crap everywhere despite me trying to organize there's only so many ways you can organize crap in a teenie house.

Us girls got buzzed. 4 bottles of wine did us good.

My girlfriends telling the stories of how they got engaged, mine always trumping for being the funniest...not the sweetest, not the most entertaining, just straight up funny. And there it hink wondering, what would this be like with Chandler? And how would he propose? Could we have these conversations with the same social people? How does that work when your "family" is your friends?

Why am I watching soaps right now...Owen wants Jackie to have a surrogate baby, she doesn't...

This pregnancy has forced me to look into life for what it is.
What would matter to a baby? What kind of environment does it need? I didn't grow up with the hippie mentality that love is all that matters. I grew up in an environment of arranged marriages. Which isn't that your parents force you marry someone. It's that your family, looking out for you, take a logical perspective to what's best for your future. That means not picking a guy who's hot...it's about picking a guy with a future, a good family, a good education, good values. Then love follows.

It's about a formula.

Sadly, love doesn't follow a formula, and I never followed my family.

But now...what matters to children? Do i subscribe to the whole thing that as long as your kids do something that makes them happy, that's important?

Um, no.

Sure, my kid can be happy as a garbageman. Knock yourself out. But i'm not going to let my kid at 18 decide that...at 18 you know nothing about 401k, bills, situations where you're a dual household on a single income. If my kid goe sto college, goes to grad school, and THEN wants to be a garbageman, THEN i'm okay with it.

I don't know too many people who's tried to go off teh beaten path that are too happy with it (and didn't have some sort of nest egg to fall back on).

So what's important...having a secure, stable household for a child. Where they're not worrying about whether mommy and daddy can afford things. Where college is still an option. Where they can go on trips to see their family, their heritage. Where there's a strong bond with friends and family around them. Where their parents' struggles aren't theirs.

But on the other hand..that's sort of how i grew up (i certainly didn't grow up rich. but we weren't shopping at goodwill...more like, brand new...but walmart and sears). And i've seen my parents kiss ONCE. I get weirded out holding hands with my husband. I have no affection, except during sex. I am the least romantic girl known to man.

And as a result of those two reflections, I've had struggles my whole life between my heart and my mind. What is best for a child?

I don't know.

Maybe i need to research happy children and happy adults, and see what kind of upbringing they had.

Week ago...in an hour.

2008-06-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

A week ago at this time was my appointment.

A week ago I was in a waiting room listening to the history of Cuban Afro music. Did you know The Beatles ripped off a TON of cuban afro music from decades earlier? Do you care?

A week ago I was filling out paperwork.

A week ago I was freezing because I was sitting on the far end, by the window.

A week ago at this time, I was a mother. I was with child.

For some reason, it feels like i can still DO something, before the 11:00 mark hits when it was all over. At least, I think it was 11. I don't fully remember.

I still have bruising, but the worst of it is over.

Two things I will never forget:

The view from where i lay. That horrible huge light. The embarassing, degrading view of my legs hanging from those black nooses. Feeling like a speck in a huge operating room.
The searing pain in my hand. It still brings tears to my eyes. It was as if I thought everything was a dream but then someone pinched me (HARD) to tell me "no bitch, this is real". It's like everything sped up and moved at lightening speed from that moment onwards, and next thing I knew, I woke up. I touch the back of my hand, and the mild tinge from the bruising send waves of pain through my entire body, reminds me of my screaming, reminds me of no one answering...

it reminds me.

I still have a bit of bleeding, the dark brown discharge type you get either right before or right after your period.

This morning I woke up thinking that I was back to myself. I no longer feel puffy, my appetite is relatively back to normal, I think the last of the hormones are OUT finally. My boobs don't feel heavy anymore.

I thought, "alright, this is cool. It's just a memory now".

So why a few hours later am I shaking again...

Oh damn, I'm one hour off from the last of my antibiotics. Thank GOD i'm done with those, they're like horse pills. They're also the exact same color as a Tiffany's box.

I wonder what it would have felt like to hold him, if I had just kept him.

6 Days Later

2008-06-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

Some cramping returning.

I drank like crazy today at lunch. I had to. I couldn't hack it anymore.

One day I'm fighting with both Chandler and Joey, then the next day I have Chandler telling me the most romantic of words and Joey sending me Tiffany's jewelry to my work.

I don't deserve either.

And in different ways, I'm not happy.

With Chandler, I'm not happy because it seems like I've been put in this mold, and if I stray from it, it upsets him. I feel like I'm a tightrope. I found myself over the course of the year more concerned about his welfare than of my own. And not having a voice...feeling duped that when he did seek understanding, it seemed only for a minute.

With Joey, I'm not happy because I just don't feel a connection to him. And i feel like we have different priorities. I feel like the weight of everything is on me, right down to screwing a nail in the wall (no, really: doing that is on me). I'm secretary, doctor, receptionist, household CEO, shopper, everything. And in the end, the last thing I feel like is a sexy wife.

I feel the weight of everything on me in both cases, just in different ways. While I have one foot out the door with Joey, with Chandler I felt like I so badly wanted him to show me the level of protection and security I needed to have a family with him.

And even worse: this isnt' a comparison. I have tried for over a year to not compare. Its not about one relative to another. Right now, i'm married to Joey, and that' s that. Until any papers are signed, that's just how it is.

I just want to have the level of connection, passion, and love i have with Chandler combined with the stability and comfort of life iwth Joey.

wah wah whoa is me.

plaster a smile

2008-06-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the last two comments (although when someone says "you don't know me and i don't know you", my first instinct is to think that i know you!)...it actually means a lot that i'm not the only one who went nuts after a decision I made completely on my own.

I'm having guests over any second now, and i'm in "plaster a smile" mode.

Hard, hard day to get through

2008-06-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

And now...a week ago at this time...i was sans child.

Why are breakups so effing hard. Why can't it be like a business transaction.

What am I supposed to tell Chandler, how I pictured him as a father constantly, how I pictured him still wanting to touch me even if i'm 60lbs overweight, how he'd protect me and make sure i wasn't doing something like walking alone at night...

But I have to think big picture.

Big picture is that while i get my sh*t figured out with my marriage, having him wait is wrong on so many levels. It's selfish. And if the next love of his life comes along, then it's not my place to make him be oblivious to her.

I wanted him to set me free so that I could assess my marriage without the blinders of him, without the bias, without being able to compare.

I wanted to know that if/when i ever end this marriage, it wasn't because i could go running to Chandler. I wanted to feel the anger that i feel at home and the helplessness without next minute feeling better because Chandler said something sweet.

Hell, I want to be ablet ob e sexuallyf rustrated without knowing that I can turn to Chandler to take care of that.

But really, I need to be the one to set him free. Not for him to set me free. It's not about putting the onus on him. it's that my hold on him, begging HIM to set me free just then allows me to still love and hope he won't. I need to set him free so he can finally move on, so he can have peace, so he can have the 100% relationship he wants. I can't even begin to imagine him being able to give all of himself to a chick...he would be the envy of every other chick.

You can't put a human being on "hold" like a library book. And it's not my place to ask him to do it to himself.

Two guys made one whole relationship which for obvious reasons isn't right. And i played russian roulette with the pregnancy, thinking it wasn't a big deal.

I don't care how much you dont' have a maternal bone in your body or how pro-choice you are: Abortion is a big fucking deal.

You'll be in a fog the moment you find out, a fog when you schedule it, a fog when you tell the baby daddy(or potential one), and you'll be in a fog when you go in.

Until it actually does happen.

And somehow, you end up back in a fog, because now you're in some exclusive private club you never wanted to be in.

I can't imagine how other relationships can possibly survive this. Right now, i'm so angry at him for going on and on about his pain and all that. which yeah, makes me a selfish bitch. But is it so bad to ask for TWENTY FOUR HOURS where it's about me and my uterus? Within hours of it, it felt like it was about his anxiety and his fear of losing me/us, that i didn't get the "hold me and let me cry" crap that seems justified after that. I got the arguing and defending myself, to the point where a massive gush of blood came out of me and my stomach started cramping.

I relied on him to be my escape for crappy things in my life, but for that i relied on him to be my rock when he said he'd be there and drive me. Knowing that I had to be cool outside the walls of the condo, i hoped that inside those walls was the safehouse for everything I needed to feel, that the mask of "abortion? me? no!" taken off was okay.

I know he didn't have a guidebook. But dammit, there's stuff online on how to behave for this crap. And i'd say "put your own issues aside when she's curled up in a ball on your bed and just wrap your arms around her without letting your hands get frisky so she feels safe despite wanting to go into the corner and die".

Oh that's another thing...any men reading this, be prepared that despite what she looks like, guaranteed she should be on suicide watch.

The Abortion Addict

2008-06-14T02:22:00.000-07:00

The Abortion Addict Story

See the above link for the scoop. Listen, i'm all for people with random disorders and what not. I think i understand pedophilia more than I understand an abortion addiction. I even understand why people do things that are painful and humiliating (oh trust me...i get it).

But why would you do something that:
a) costs a ton of dough
b) can f*ck you up in a single wrong move
c) relies on someone else, especially if you're completely put under
d) doesn't provide the physical relief of someone who say cuts, you just end up with cramping and stuff
e)forces you to wear effing PADS...hello, tampons exist for a reason. Tampons >>>>>>>>> pads
f) is just plain effed up to keep doing?

I get when it's an accident, even multiple times. I just don't get why someone would WANT this, even as an addiction. I'll take a heroin addiction over an abortion addiction any day. Maybe I draw the line at a crystal meth addiction...i'm vain about my skin. But heroin or coke, hook me up with some of that before I ever ever have to have the vision of my legs in those noose-like black rubber stirrups.

I still can't believe i'm "that" girl now. I can't believe i'm a statistic.

I can't believe that in some lab or freezer is what was half me. Half my blood, DNA, personality, looks. A mini-me is out there somewhere waiting to be incinerated.

Geezus chr1st my first child is going to be BURNED.

Okay, now i'm REALLY f*cked up in the head. I wish I could see my therapist, but she's crazy expensive and i've posted my bills here...i cna't afford even a single session with her.

I don't want to go back for my follow up appointment. I'll go...but i don't want to.

Almost one week since the surgery

2008-06-14T01:54:00.000-07:00

It's 2am, I stayed up to get the work done that i should have done months/weeks/days ago. I didn't even send it off for review. GOD i'm praying for the best. I can't deal with people telling me what to do right now, I'm struggling so bad.

The funny thing is, I looked up how my religion views abortion...my religion doesn't let me do jack. I couldn't wear shorts or tank tops as a kid...can't eat pork...can't do ANYTHING. But...according to my religion, it's bad to end life. But it doesn't recognize that something at just 5 weeks is a life since there's no heartbeat, etc. Phew, no religious worries, although I did drink alcohol the night before the abortion and that's a big no-no.

I want to stop imagining what "he" would have looked like.
I want to stop imagining what "he" would have lookedl ike in either Joey or Chandler's arms.
I want to stop thinking about buying clothes for "him".
I want to stop feeling like I was supposed to protect "him"...that he wasn't able to survive on "his" own, but "he" needed me...and i tossed "him" aside, i violently got rid of "him".

Yeah this is NOT healthy. I know.

And i'm here, 2am, bawling...for getting rid of something I so, so badly wished for last year...how things would have been so so different if this were a year ago...

I started to believe that having a child would make me complete. .Would make my life complete. After awhile, you start to realize that working every day, doing the same stuff with friends, adventures or not, everything seems pretty shallow in the grand scheme, but having a family, having children, having a legacy...that to me meant I could bring my life meaning. That maybe it would fill the void that's been inside of me for so, so long.

Again, not a healthy way to view things.

GOD...i've never been the motherly type. People hand me babies and I just look awkward. I don't have a maternal bone in my body. So why is this biological clock ticking SO DAMN LOUD????

I read that one common feeling after an abortion is an intense desire to get pregnant again. I was starting to wonder if I was weird for feeling that way. But yes...this biological clock is ticking louder and louder, and that's a huge source of the anxiety. It's like getting this done kickstarted a race, and i need need need to get pregnant before it's too late.

Don't know how that's gonna happen since sex is the last thing I'll ever want for the rest of my life.

Also don't know how that's gonna happen when I can't even figure out my own damn love life.

I sometimes wish I had never met Chandler, then I'd never know that closeness, that bond. I've never had that with a guy before. I am a FIRM believer that ignorance is bliss. He became one of my best friends, which I've never viewed my husband as my best friend.

I've always been known as the "most unmarried married person" according to friends. At first it was cool, i dug that I wasn't a smug married chick as viewed by my single friends. But now...I don't like that. I want to be loving and sweet and give kisses at friends' barbecues or still get all sexy and flirty years later. It just doesn't seem natural to do that with Joey though...we're friends, but we operate like roommates most of the time. Roommates who have a history and a deep love for each other...but no passion, and definitely no chemistry.

I did a random poll with some people I knew, when they have big news where in the queue does their husband fall...apparently i'm the weird one. When something big happens, there's like 5 other people that i usually tell first, and then maybe mention it to Joey when i get home from work. That's apparently not normal.

But in the grand scheme, i place SECURITY as highest priority. THat means ensuring whatever it takes to not live in a cardboard box. Homelessness scares the crap out of me. Not sure WHY, other than my parents always worrying about money which years later I've discovered we live poor only because my father gave a ton of money to religious stuff...but we were fine financially (i mean, "fine"...not rolling in it, and we didn't live in a huge house, but my parents were fantastic with being frugal and sh*t got paid off quickly. A 30 year home loan paid off in 10 years). I briefly was jobless and homeless, but I was also in a country where I couldn't legally flip burgers. That's different now. And I have friends who would take me in before I ever sleep in my car.

Of which, when a few friends found out that after fights with Joey i would sleep in my car, they FLIPPED OUT and insisted I never do that again. I promised them i wouldn't, but to be honest...i would never take them up on their offer at 1am to crash on their couch. What do I hate most? Being a burden.

Meanwhile, back at security...that is a huge issue for me when it comes to a future baby daddy...I used to think Joey was in a fickle industry, but in hindsight he's done exceptionally well career-wise during the course of our relationship. So then...why do I still question his ability as a father?

Is it because there's a difference between SECURITY and PROTECTION?

Meh, enough whining from me. time for bed.

Eff you Trey and Matt

2008-06-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

Really South Park? Really? 3rd episode of the season, I watch intensely for the hidden alien to enter your contest, and a running joke is about abortions? About some chick last week who claimed she's addicted to abortions (since I was so busy worrying about my own, I didn't even pay attention to this news story). There was one abortion joke that make me laugh a bit, but otherwise I just sat there thinking "seriously...my fav show...and you HAD to do a running gag about Cartman being a 7 year old obsessed with abortions? you had to show an aborted baby in Stan's arms?"

Is there one day that can go by where I'm not reminded of this????

This evening the cramps came back. BAD. Maybe 'cause I was drinking. No, wait, I wasn't drinking when the cramps started. That's why i started drinking. I also started drinking because I was supposed to hang out with Joey, and well...the abortion, the breakup with Chandler...The sad thing is that I don't particularly ENJOY hanging out with Joey. I mean, I just don't look forward to it. Which is awful, he's perfectly pleasant and nice when we hang out.

I guess the thing with Chandler is...if everything else around me has some sort of haze, being in his presence I felt a sense of clarity. Like i'm swimming all the time, but the only moment i'm not underwater with that filter on is when i'm around him and i'm up getting air. That being said, i also tiptoed around him and feared his anger like a mofo. When he's hurt or angry or whatever, he'll spin and twist and you're so desperate to catch up to what he's saying, it becomes him asking a question and you're like "yes...no...wait...what was the question? I'm so confused!"

Sigh. My ideal guy has the sense of responsibility, maturity, and professionalism that my husband has combined with the passion, attraction, and connection that I get from Chandler.

So it seems this blog is now about the post-abortion effects combined with the breakup of one of the potential baby daddies. Lovely.

It's so funny that in the grand scheme, my relationship with them (yay thank you therapy) is like that of my father: calm and cool overall, but when their temper blows, run for your life. It's always there, lurking in the background, waiting to surface, and i'm forced to tiptoe to ensure I never set off that anger bomb.
Even though with Chandler, I found *I* was the one getting physical, purely out of frustration that I'd never met someone who never let me get a word in edgewise and all I did was defend myself, it seems like every other sentence was some sort of accusation, right down to whether I ignored him if I didn't reply to a text within a 5 minute time span.

But the differences, they're night and day.
My husband Joey loves to see me all dolled up. Skirts, makeup, matching bra/panties. Sex is awkward at best, surrounded by rules of sound and minimal nail usage. He has his own friends and can do his own thing while I do mine. My friends adore him.

Whereas Chandler prefers the tshirt/jeans route, seems to think I look great without makeup, and I've worn granny panties and he still rips them off like they're La Perla thongs. Sex is mind numbingly incredible, as is our friendship...i tell him even the most mundane parts of my day that I would never tell Joey because, frankly, i don't think Joeygives a crap or pays attention. But since moving to OC i've been his best girlfriend AND guy friend, which put so much pressure on me...I can't be one person's all. It sets me up to fail. And the smoking...GOD if there was one habit i wish he'd get rid of, it's the smoking. I wish I had known he smoked before I ever kissed him. Before i fell for him.

For some reason I had this epiphany: it would have been a boy. Dont' ask me why. Especially since I would have wanted a girl. But suddenly I just had this inkling...it was a boy. I had a baby boy. Maybe this is the nutty psycho girl in me speaking, but I just know it. I know it.

Maybe I'll feel better after June 11-14th which seems to be the anticipated due date. As Chandler noted, it would have been a Gemini.

I need to stop associating a personality to something that i only had for 5 weeks and only knew about for two.

what the....

2008-06-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'm overwhelmed by the same anxiety i had pre-surgery. Except before i had the surgery to "look forward" to.

Now i have nothing...no key day or event to quell this anxiety.

I'm cracking again.

Physical Symptoms, 5 days after surgery

2008-06-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like yesterday was the peak of all the symptoms. The cramping was so, so bad last night.

Today I actually feel physically sort of...un-pregnant. I definitely am not peeing every ten seconds, and I don't feel as puffy. I look back at the picture of me from 2 Saturdays ago, and I looked like someone punched me in the face, made me eat a ton of salt, then drink a boatload of water. I lookedl ike The Hulk.

I'm also not as hungry as before, even though obviously I have a whole other level of anxiety and depression to deal with.

I guess I figured before that the body changes were minimal because other than no period and a teenie bladder, I really saw little changes. Oh my boobs felt heavier. Not bigger...just...heavier. But now in hindsight i'm like, holy crap. I was making another HUMAN. Like, there was a little dude inside of me. That takes up a lot of your bodily resources.

Why do I miss the "little dude" so much all of a sudden? There's been times in my life where I gave up things of value to me without thinking. I took such wonderful care of my toys, but for $20 I got rid of a collection that now would be worth thousands. All i have left is my Curious George doll (which I wish I had with me the day I got it done, i've had him since i was born), my Cabbage Patch Doll (with her original diaper, i never took that off), and my Whitney doll (eff Barbie. her friend Whitney so was so, so much prettier). I regret having gotten rid of that collection, and for the past 12 years I have been desperately trying to rebuild that collection via ebay, but not so easy when you want stuff in mind or MIP condition because that's how your collection would have been as a kid.

That collection of toys meant a lot to me because I grew up in a tumultuous household, and I remember when I played with those toys I was in my own world, and my parents drama/violence didn't impact me. It was my buffer, my escape. I never, ever should have gotten rid of something so precious to me. WHY did my mother let me sell them?! She shoul dhave just handed me the $20 and then secretely kept them for me.

(don't cry don't cry don't cry)

Now...it's kind of the same feeling. Like something isn't right. I gave up something important. And i know my rationale at the time when i was a kid, I know obviously my rationale for doing it, but it still feels like something is missing now.

I was reponsible for protecting those wonderful toys, and now they're probably in a dumpster or covered in pen marks. It breaks my heart.

I was responsible for the growth of something inside of me, and I took a needle to it and sucked it out.

I WAS A MOTHER. FOR FIVE WEEKS...I WAS A MOTHER.

yes, i'm going nutty.

Meds

2008-06-13T14:14:00.000-07:00

This is what they gave me, in case anyone is curious:

Doxycycline - This is an antibiotic to prevent infection. It is to be taken twice a day for 7 days, 12 hours apart and ALWAYS with food. Avoid sun tanning and tanning beds while taking this medication. If you are breastfeeding you should not take Doxycycline.

I didn't get anything else other than that, when I was there they made me take two huge pain pills (I think codeine, but where i'm from that's simply Tylenol 3, which you can buy at any pharmacy).

!! Patient X !!

2008-06-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

One of the problems (just one? ha...no one of trillions) was how I felt like Patient X. Let me explain.

Imagine something straight out of a movie or history books, something like the holocaust. People go in with a story on their face, their clothes say who they are, their hair indicates their age, you can see a person just by looking at them.
Strip them of their clothes, shave their head, put them in a smock, and they all look like clones of each other. Expressionless, non-human clones.

Patient X.

That's how I felt. Once you change, everything changed. All of us in our disposable uniforms: little blue booties, stupid blue paper smock with a white ribbon for the waist and white tape to close it up around your neck, and a stupid blue shower cap doodad that I refused to put on until the very end because I already felt bad enough.

not that you couldn't tell the employees/nurses from the patients, but it was like we were just lab rats or experiments walking around the scientists, with our uniforms to make us all non-human...it was like this was the uniform of The Stupid Irresponsible Girl.

which i know isn't realistic...considering one chick was there because she was having a miscarriage anyway but it was hurting too much and she had to take care of her other kids so she wanted to get it over with

I was so happy when I could put my clothes back on again. I mean, "happy". I kept the little booties for some reason, probably because i'm my mother daughter and I hate throwing things out when i'm sure i can find some obscure reason to use them.

This post probably made no sense. But this Patient X thing has gone though my mind quite often, and it felt like I had lost a voice, an opinion, emotion while i was Patient X. My hand pain didn't matter...becuase I was Patient X. It felt like i could have ran around screaming "fire!" and no one would have listened.

I wonder what other people wear when they get abortions. I wonder if they felt as much of a douche as I did wearing those stupid outfits, carrying my plastic bag of my stuff like a homeless lady about to get sterilized.

Dirty and damaged

2008-06-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

Before I was researching quite a bit on the procedure itself, what to expect, what i should have with me.
Now, I'm trying to grip with the emotional aspect of it. Like my right hand looks like what you see zombies looking like in horror movies. A deep burgundy color shaded with purple. I type for a living, so I can always see my hands (fortunately I don't need to see the keyboard to type or else I would really flip out). Just seeing it takes me back to the feeling, the "searing hot flesh poker iron vampire touching a cross and exposed to sunlight" pain, i can almost hear a sizzle. And screaming about my hand but everyone being so nonchalant about it. I suppose that's to be expected when you're in an assembly line for an abortion.

I'm also not okay when I think about sex, which whenI think of Chandler is pretty hard to not do. I have a tendency to think about that when I'm in meetings, I don't know why. But now not only am I not with him anymore, but I also think how that area just wants me to leave it the eff alone. Like the other day when I saw Chandler damn did we get hot and heavy, but the thought of ever putting anything in there again, even a tampon, makes my skin crawl. That area is now a tomb.

The day-of I guess I kept saying how dirty I felt. And Chandler took that as if to mean like he had raped me, like something he did was dirty. Which isn't how I meant ti at all...in a way, because I didn't know who the father was, I sort of had this immaculate conception perception. I couldn't associate a father with it. It was mine and mine alone. I meant more dirty in that I was knocked out and had more men in the room than women with me who saw between my legs. In that while abortion is nothing more than a medical procedure, I started to feel as if I'd had herpes sores removed off of me (I once was there when a friend had hers dry iced off). It was like I had some sort of disease that had to be removed, and everything was so clinical.

I guess it's hard to explain to a guy that when something happens inside of you and you're sore, you feel kinda dirty. Whether it's good rough sex or an abortion, you don't walk around feeling like Mother Theresa.

And as much as it's all about 1 in 3 women getting it, and i'm very vocal about being pro-choice, that doesn't mean i want the whole world to know that I got one (HA even though i have a blog accessible to the whole world). There's a reason why there's secrecy about it, and the big debate, and at the very least pro-choicers can see the other side of the argument...and for that, the secrecy, and doing something in secret can make one feel dirty.

I feel damaged. Dirty and damaged. Like if I were to be single and go on a date with a guy, if he knew, he'd be like "see ya".

I wanted to be the girl to support friends who get abortions. i didn't want to be the one EVER getting one.

I'm smarter than that. Wtf was i thinking...oh wait, I know. That i had tried for the longest time and it didn't happen. And that i thought i was infertile. They really, really aren't kidding when they say "stop worrying, the moment you stop worrying that you'll get pregnant is when it happens". No sh*t.

$$$$$$ or lack of it

2008-06-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

I just checked my credit card statement online, almost flipped my lid.
Then I thought "oh wait...I had some work done on my car...got the carpets cleaned...and oh yeah, I had an abortion".

$395 should be a mother f*cking tax break, I no longer have something that would have been a dependent that I could have claimed.

Last night

2008-06-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's not until you want a kid or lose a kid that you realize how much kid and pregnancy talk there is around you.

In the short time i was at my friend's place, first there was talk about some Private Practice pregnancy episode (where some psycho cut out some chick's fetus). It ended with 90210 where Dixon's girlfriend announces she's pregnant.

Really? In 2 hours I can't just have ZERO pregnancy or birthing stuff surround me?

Not even a week later

2008-06-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday. 5 days since the surgery.

Diary stuff:
It's October, and I'm just as depressed as I was October of last year. Well...maybe not as bad...but getting there. I'm just so bloody bored with life. I keep thinking how I'd love to move to some small quaint town and work in like, a bookstore or something. In my mind, Virginia is where it's at. i don't know why. I know nothing about Virginia. I guess as a kid I liked the letter "V".

My happiest memories were when we lived in this one small town in ((home)), and although I'm sure i'd be miserable there now because ti's one of the coldest places in ((home)), there's something to be said where everyone knows each other and there's a sense of community. Where I live now, everything and everyone's so sprawled out. Kids can't just bike to their friends' houses or anything. Maybe that's also why I had a thing for Chandler...i knew in a heartbeat if I wanted to move anywhere, he'd do it. He'd move anywhere for me. Whereas Joey doesn't ever want to leave ((this state))...it meant a lot to me that Chandler wanted to move to ((home)), that he wanted to meet my family, that he remembered people's names. I don't think Joey even knows how many aunts & uncles I have, and he definitely doesn't know their names.

I'm taking a leap and switching to just pantyliners now, I can't stand wearing pads. Watch today be the day I get a woosh of blood.

The antibiotics are a pain, they're massive. Last night I had to take one without water, which I'm pretty good at doing (ironically, taking bc pills at a young age, you get good at not needing H2O for meds) but damn if it wasnt' nasty going down.

I want to run away. I always run away. I ran away when i graduated college. I ran away from jobs by just getting another one when I didn't feel like doing a project. Somehow I fortunately still managed to have a career as a result.

I do not feel like a grownup.

In my complex, there's a ton of kids. It used to drive me nuts, because I wanted one so badly, and I felt like they were part of a club that i wasn't privy to. Now, it's a whole other sadness. Yesterday when I stopped my car at my mailbox, there was this hot dad with his little blond girl running around on the lawn. He looked up and waved to me. Just the joy he had on his face watching hsi little girl running around. And the look on her face, like she was the smartest person alive for figuring out how to walk. And i pictured my kid, slightly dark skin, dark hair (i can sort of imagine what the kid would have looked like, regardless of the father), and i literally pictured her standing next to this other little girl.

I felt no bond, nothing with it when it was in me, but now that I don't have it, I miss it. All i have in my head is the memory of the pregnancy sack on the ultrasound.

Sort of reminds me of Gabby on Desperate Housewives, when she lost her baby...just that she didn't care about it until she had the injury.

Unless you've had an abortion, no matter how pro-choice and "whatever" you are about it, it still really fucks with your mind on so many different levels. I'm thinking of finding a support group, there's some birth choice center down teh street from my house that has them. Will call them later.

The emotional aftermath

2008-06-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

Before I tell you what it feels like now, let me tell you my views before.

I always always assumed I would get an abortion if i ever get pregnant before marriage. It wasn't even up for debate. i was miss "there's no heartbeat for weeks anyway blah blah".

Then when I wanted to have a baby, I could feel my opinion on abortion changing a little, but only because I wanted one so badly. I actually figured that if youre under 25, you should totally have the right to one but over 25, come ON...who's life can you really be ruining. Um right.

I still though never thought it was that big of a deal, more like a nuisance if anything.

Now let's go through all the reasons that i'm in shock, depression, and sometimes straight up nonstop crying (which isn't easy when you're married and your husband has no idea you did this):

1. I will forever be the girl who got an abortion. I have no problems with people who do, i just didn't think I'd be one of them. it's not a club i want to be a part of. I will always have to check that box on a health questionnaire.

2. The number of children I have will always be less than the number of pregnancies.

3. I got rid of something I spent forever wanting. And trying to get.

4. Uh the fact I didn't know who the father was.

5. that for a brief moment, i was a mother. Now i never thought i was until it was gone. But i realized when you're pregnant, you go by "mother" and "father" label before the baby is born. I was a mother. This is very very hard for me to work through.

6. The memories of that room. The stirrups.

7. Fears that maybe i fucked up my insides and can never have kids.

8. Having to hide the hormonal rollercoaster aspect. And feeling fat from all the eating I've done.

That's just a few off the top of my head. They change often. It really fucked with my head. And seeing my hand just freaks me out, it makes me squirm.

Oh and then there's the baby talk. In just 48 hours I had a pregnancy wisecrack made to me, I had someone ask me when I was going to have kids, and I had to sit through soemone telling me all about their childbirth experiences. All 3 different people at 3 different times.

Overall, i'm depressed because I feel icky. Just icky.

So how does it feel?

2008-06-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

Let's talk physical symptoms when you're out.

Initially, other girls were complaining about bad cramping. I asked one girl to rate her pain, and she said like a 6 or 7. I gave my cramps at like a 4, but only because it was relative to the pain in my hand which was a 200000000000000000000000 on a scale of 10.

OH note: you are STARVING the whole time. All of us girls were bitching about that. But when you get out, you're hungry, but you feel so "blegh" that food isn't really on your mind. You gotta eat anyway, 'cause you're so weak.

I walked a little slow, but really I just felt like i'd been in a fist fight. I had to rip off those node sticker off me which was brutal, they were practically superglued on.

Fast forward to a bit later, I got a MASSIVE swoosh of blood out of me. I then decide it's time to go to Target to get some pads. I picked up the overnights and the daily ones (Always), which was overkill...It's Monday now (surgery was Fri) and there's not anything that a pantyliner or thick panties would protect. Over the whole weekend doing anything that would push my abs was bad. Which included sneezing and hell, even uhhh bowel movements. But you feel like your innards are being smooshed out.

That night I was supposed to plan my friend's party and possibly do dinner with some friends. EFF THAT. Physically I suppose i could have, but really i was just achy and I wanted to be a big baby. So i stayed in bed with a bag of ruffles and watched tv. Kicked Joey out for the night (thank GOD he got a last minute invite to go out).

That whole night I just felt achy. No other way to put it.

The next day was awful. I seriously felt like someone took a baseball bat to me.

I had a bit to drink (not by choice, the party situation), but I didn't feel anything all that different. I set an alarm for the antibiotics, 8am and 8pm according to them, so that was a pain to take in front of people. They're blue and HUGE.

I've checked my temperature a few times, last night it was a bit high but I feel okay now so I'm gonna check again (under 99, good). I actually couldn't find my thermometer 'cause i was carrying it around in my purse, so I had to use (ironically) the fertility basal thermometer a girlfriend gave me.

So now that it's been 3 days, I get the odd cramping, but nothing crazy. I think I took pain pills once, just as a preemptive measure.

My hand is burgundy and purple from the needle incident, and the other spots have straight up bruising. Looking at my hand freaks me out.

Farewells

2008-06-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

More drama and drama later...

Said goodbyes to Chandler. So effing hard. I don't really want to get into it. But I have never, ever had someone love me the way he does. The look in his eyes...sigh...

I wish so many things could change. And I know it would be so easy to reply to his ridiculously sweet IMs he's texting me...how he noticed that i was wearing jeans and tshirts 'cause that's always what he told me i looked best in, how great I looked in my white wifebeater the other day (damn skippy, i wore it just for him), how he's creating a blog dedicated to me...okay maybe I'm not making it sound sweet, but...

I miss him already.

I realized today (because this is what i do, i play "pretend" housewife to him in my head) that he could wear a military uniform to our wedding...sigh. What i'd kill to see him in that. I've only ever seen him in his camouflage doodad once and I almost died. Well literally, since it was the day of the abortion.

ARGH and now Joey is here, wanting to spend time with me when all I want to do is VENT via blog.