90 Days Later

It's getting hard to keep track of how many days it's been since the abortion, since i'm not writing every day but i'm fudging the dates.

placenta sandwich said...

The counseling thing sort of shocks me. In my training and various jobs it's been the assumed standard of care. I've always known that procedures can vary quite a bit among clinics, but most of the people I've gotten to know in the field who worked at other places seemed to have the same expectations: sure, a lot of women might not need a whole lot of talking before or after, but it's better for a patient to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, so we should do our best to make sure the steps are described, the questions are answered, the aftercare is explained, and the patient has an idea of whether she'll cope well afterward. Blah, it makes me really upset that they didn't give you what you needed.

It was very , very clinical. When i say i felt like Patient X, i wasn't kidding...no one talked to me other than the formalities. Like when i made the phone call it was "okay here's the time slot, here's what you need to bring". Every question I had outside of the norm (mostly about the surgeon's lawsuit), everyone seemed clueless. Most of the women i dealt with were barely older than 27 i would guess, minus the actual medical people themselves (4 of those total, and that includes the surgeon). We were shuttled along like cattle.

In other news, I saw Chandler briefly last night, and damn he looked so good...it was hard to not picture what a baby with him would look like if i knew it was his or not. Damn him and life for not making thing different. Well, mostly him...a lot of things i feel were within his control, and still are.

I don't want to say i'm "over" the abortion, but it's such a distant memory to me. The only time it really gets to me is if i think of some of the sh*tty things Chandler has said to me, or when i imagine the surgery room...the pain in my hand...GOD i can still feel it if i think about it...and having your legs spread open, the door open, legs in stirrups, it was the most humiliating experience of my life, easily.

88 Days Later - no news to report

I don't really have any news to report. I'm not emotional over the abortion at all, baby stuff hasnt' really gotten to me, and Chandler is just being...depressed and "blah". I tried cheering him up yesterady and he gave me a "while it's great that you're happy and your life is going great, i feel like you're rubbing it in my face". Because i sent him a text telling him to smile. That's it.

So, whatever, i put in a bit of effort last night, one last one this morning, i'm not going to let him bring me down. He's a classic psych book right now, and he actually got my hopes up when he said something in his life was going to change on Saturday. Well, so much for that.

the more i think about it, the more i realize how much of the crappy things in his life are his own fault. Getting booted out of the first apt for shooting off hsi mouth, losing his first job definitely because he rubbed that boss lady the wrong way (he knows nothing about the way the corporate world works...if someone is your superior, regardless if you report to them or not, you don't act like an unlikeable dick! It's the same as biting the hand that feeds you). Then losing the next job, again was his fault for spamming Joey with texts about me (which is a whole other issue, that i'm not over and for my own protection, won't be over).

I paid for him to join a sports team with me, and instead of getting chummy with the MEN...he got chummy with the women. It's like he's begging for drama. Why would you do that?! And the whole 'i was raised by women' is such BS. I was raised around 99% men, you don't see me chumming up and only being friends with the guys. It's not appropriate and it just causes problems. Had he chummed up to the guys, then he'd have "ins" for networking purposes, etc. All of those guys are pretty-to-very successful...those are the people he should have created frienships with.

Sigh.

If he wants to struggle his entire life, that's his choice. I'm making 2010 great. Either he can get on board or he can sit and pout. I'm not coddling him anymore.

In other news I realized now that I'm not spending $$ on drinks, food, etc for him and I anymore...i have a lot more disposable cash. so i bought 2 pairs of boots and 3 bras from VS. While it feels good to help others, i'm not gonna lie...being able to splurge guilt-free on stuff for myself feels pretty damn good.

84 Days Later - part 2

10:30 pm

HUGE blowup with Chandler today.

The killer part was that he said I didn't consider his feelings. Now keep in mind, at the time it was like it had NO father. I just couldn't associate it with that.

But that I didn't wrack my brains over this, about raising a baby with him, about his wants/needs in terms of a family...that was such a low blow. I was like "I'm not accepting that...i have a journal that i've written in every day, i KNOW how much i thought of you".

More words...about my arrogance regarding the abortion. Arrogance. I was a disaster. I was disassociated.

The hand. The pain in the hand. The searing horrible hot poker pain in my hand.

He told me the day of the surgery I looked like a little girl curled up in the back of his car. Where was my arrogance then?!

All the times I've cried, beating myself up over it...where was my arrogance?

You think I"m arrogant because i weighed out EVERYONE'S lives, not just your own? What, i'm supposed to consider it FIFTY FIFTY? That is such BS...anyone who has the option of bailing, when it may not even be his, anyone who isn't glued to the "problem" 24/7 does NOT have the same amount of consideration.

Did it cross his mind about THE BABY? What he went through being juggled between parents? About how the baby would ask why there's no pictures of daddy while i'm pregnant? Why we don't talk to his/her grandmother? Why he/she can never learn his/her heritage from anyone but me? How the stress of it all will trickle down to the baby, and the baby would have been the ultimate victim.

Him wanting to keep the baby isn't for the sake of the baby itself...it's because it would have made HIM feel better, it would have added meaning to HIS life. So it's arrogant of me to think that risking a baby's life...and 10 months + a lifetime of mine...for his own needs?

And this is all stuff I never get to say. Being silenced. Being told that I can't write much, but he's allowed to write 4-line IMs. How he wants special treatment...is he the only one going through this pseudo breakup?

The push, push, pushing that he does...and then pulling back...it just plain HURTS.

And now, the things he said today...

You can't have loved someone if you can say those things. And looking back at all the other "meltdowns" he's had (averaging one every 2-3 months), he wanted mulligans on those words too...

He didn't love me.

He loved the IDEA of me.

And that stings so flippin' much, because I thought it was genuine and true. Despite feeling like I wasn't good enough, because he kept getting so angry at the drop of a pin...i tiptoed around him for an entire year (not very good, but i did...in his own words, he's a powder keg. He was like that ALL year, not just today).

If you really do love someone, and you can't make it work...you don't squeeze every last drop. You let them go for THEIR sake. How many times did i try that? Where i was like "holy sh*t, i'm killing me but i'm killing HIM. this has to stop. just end it. Just stop everything".

I'm babbling.

I fell in love with someone and went through everything (and seriously, it was no fucking picnic, which he only remembers in the good times that oh yeah...to quote...i stood by him more than anyone ever has or would)...all for nothing. Because when he gets an idea in his mind, he runs with it, he makes it up and just runs with it.

He is a bull in a china shop, and i was the only one in that china shop last year. I thought i made it out alive. I thought we'd be okay.

Not to say that i'm flawless. That's not what i'm saying. But i can only speak for my side in teh grand scheme.

My heart and head aches.
I hope he's okay tonight. Please please don't let him relapse, or even get drunk and do something stupid. Please just let him be safe. And not hurting like this.

84 Days Later - PASS Workbook Section 1

10:38 am

Soit's impossible to hand-write my workbook stuff becuase i type much faster, my hand doesn't cramp up, and it's not like "oh whatcha writing there?" for others to see.

Step 3: Make a list of EVERYONE who was involved with you:
a) getting pregnant
b)deciding to have the abortion
c)participating int he abortion

Joey - 18% - for rarely wanting sex, for making me uncomfortable about sex or making me feel bad about myself, for not being proactive about HIS "abilities", for putting the onus of everything on me not realizing that people view ME like i'm the broken on, and wanting to just feel GOOD about myself, which lead to the affair. For making me unsure if he's even able to have kids because he didn't care to find out, so i never could even guess if it was his. For being so clueless that his wife had an abortion.
Chandler - 18% - for not even being a possible father option, his emotional and financial states were just too jacked up. For the horrible things he said that he can't take back. For being delusional into thinking that he could help raise it (really? you'd rob a bank? that was your solution?). For fighting with me every day until that point, for fighting with me a few hours after because HE was insecure that i was then going to leave him.
FPA clinic - 4% - for not having counselors available before and after. For $400, damn right you can take a few mins for that.
Me - 25% - obviously.
Friends/Social Circle/Family - 15% - for being so rigid and close-minded, for making it so that there's no way i could ever be with any of them if i got pregnant and it turned out to be someone else's. Very few would have stood by me.
The doctor - 3% - just for his lawsuit online and freaking me the eff out.
The anesthesiologist - 17% - for making the whole thing "real", for the incredible physical pain, for not answering me, for making something really bad turn into a complete nightmare.

Step 4 - assign an anger number and write a letter to that person about it.

(to be continued)

82 Days Later - tired

2:38 pm
I'm super tired again lately. Is it the stress from the breakup with Chandler? The stress from focusing on my marriage?
I started to freak out wondering if i was this tired when i was pregnant before, i.e. am i pregnant now...which if i was, i doubt the excessive amount of Cipro and Diflucan would make my eggs viable this month.

81 Days Later - maybe i can stop counting

12:31pm

So today I don't have much to report emotion-wise, although yesterday I was a basket of nerves. All it takes is a few prodding questions from Chandler and i'm a mess, i was bawling the way home from work.

I went to the doctor and discussed my hair loss and stuff, she took a boatload of blood samples and a thyroid ultrasound. What's funny is how often i'm asked "and you havent' had any kids?"...no, i had a fetus, but no kid.

And then everyone says it's stress, and i tell them "my life isn't stressful, this is just regular LIFE. My job isn't stressful, i veg out and watch tv all the time, blah blah". But deep down, I know the stress..the abortion was huge, let alone juggling 2 relationships.

I had my pap smear and the chick comments on how there's still yeast from my YI (gross, i know...i haven't had a YI in years), and i look at her swap and it's covered in blood. I immediately freak out, thinking ti's something to do with the abortion, like maybe i didn't heal properly, but she told me that it's fine, she used a "brush" and it scrapes (hate that word now) and can sometimes cause a bit of bleeding.

She had no idea about the abortion, and i'm keeping it that way.

Before the abortion I worked out pretty regularly, i haven't done much since. I went last night with a friend but we talked the whole time. So i'm trying to make it a point to get over the intial "hump" of working out (where you feel like a flabby weakling), it's very daunting though...getting back to the regular routine of life.

*********
8:18pm

A friend was leaving the country, had a going away shindig for her. She said to me not to get pregnant while she's gone.

80 Days Later - why are men such little bitches?

10:36am

Let's see, so far today Chandler has had two hissy fits which included his usual "later" comments as he leaves IM (which is so retarded, because he usually gets back on within a minute, so doing so is basically just his version of giving the middle finger). Dude needs a lesson in effing manners.

And all of this just triggers memories of unresolved fights past, and why even if I were single, it would never work.

I'm feeling good about 2010. I really am. It took a long while to get to this point, but having a new year and a new decade allow for a clean slate.

The pain does eventually go down. Not completely...but a good chunk