82 Days Later - tired

2:38 pm
I'm super tired again lately. Is it the stress from the breakup with Chandler? The stress from focusing on my marriage?
I started to freak out wondering if i was this tired when i was pregnant before, i.e. am i pregnant now...which if i was, i doubt the excessive amount of Cipro and Diflucan would make my eggs viable this month.

81 Days Later - maybe i can stop counting

12:31pm

So today I don't have much to report emotion-wise, although yesterday I was a basket of nerves. All it takes is a few prodding questions from Chandler and i'm a mess, i was bawling the way home from work.

I went to the doctor and discussed my hair loss and stuff, she took a boatload of blood samples and a thyroid ultrasound. What's funny is how often i'm asked "and you havent' had any kids?"...no, i had a fetus, but no kid.

And then everyone says it's stress, and i tell them "my life isn't stressful, this is just regular LIFE. My job isn't stressful, i veg out and watch tv all the time, blah blah". But deep down, I know the stress..the abortion was huge, let alone juggling 2 relationships.

I had my pap smear and the chick comments on how there's still yeast from my YI (gross, i know...i haven't had a YI in years), and i look at her swap and it's covered in blood. I immediately freak out, thinking ti's something to do with the abortion, like maybe i didn't heal properly, but she told me that it's fine, she used a "brush" and it scrapes (hate that word now) and can sometimes cause a bit of bleeding.

She had no idea about the abortion, and i'm keeping it that way.

Before the abortion I worked out pretty regularly, i haven't done much since. I went last night with a friend but we talked the whole time. So i'm trying to make it a point to get over the intial "hump" of working out (where you feel like a flabby weakling), it's very daunting though...getting back to the regular routine of life.

*********
8:18pm

A friend was leaving the country, had a going away shindig for her. She said to me not to get pregnant while she's gone.

80 Days Later - why are men such little bitches?

10:36am

Let's see, so far today Chandler has had two hissy fits which included his usual "later" comments as he leaves IM (which is so retarded, because he usually gets back on within a minute, so doing so is basically just his version of giving the middle finger). Dude needs a lesson in effing manners.

And all of this just triggers memories of unresolved fights past, and why even if I were single, it would never work.

I'm feeling good about 2010. I really am. It took a long while to get to this point, but having a new year and a new decade allow for a clean slate.

The pain does eventually go down. Not completely...but a good chunk

79 Days Later - cried again

7:40pm

Things are just weird with Chandler, what with this "take it down a notch sort of friendship get over each other" crap.

TLC had all sorts of sex tv shows a few days ago that i recorded, I was watching one called "STrange Sex", about sexual disorders. Thought it would be about some freaky-ass stuff (which it was) until one condition came up where a chick was allergic to her husband's sperm (man that would SUCK). Anyway, they were talking about wanting a child and what not...i burst out in tears.

I wish i could pinpoint why. Maybe it was because I felt so bad for them, and I've BEEN there, i understand the frustration of not understanding what's going on in your sex life. Or maybe it's that I turn into the comparisons, of Joey as a father vs. Chandler as the father.

78 Days Later - interesting thought

4:53 pm

Interesting thing I read, how like 15% of all children born are through affairs (known mostly by guys who demand paternity tests 'cause they don't want to pay child support, etc, so factor that into the math if you will), but the number of children CONCEIVED through affairs is higher...but a woman is more likely to have an abortion if she had an affair and gets pregnant.

Gee, you think?

76 Days Later - NYE

6:05 pm

Real quick, Chandler's texts:

"Everything will be as its meant to be. And no matter what you r and ALWAYS will be the love of my life. U r perfect right now...perfect"

"I mean those words with all of my heart...you are the most special person to ever enter my life. And you ARE BEAUTIFUL".

Friend bucket, friend bucket, friend bucket...

75 Days Later - newz

10am
really? I had to hear about someone else being pregnant...AGAIN?

This girl in particular is adorable, teenie, funny, liked by EVERYONE and possibly the coolest girl on the planet. The only girl I know with a ton of tattoos but they're cute and they suit her, they're not tacky.

She already was the most gorgeous pregnant girl the first time...and now she's pregnant again.

I feel like the biggest loser alive.