84 Days Later - part 2

10:30 pm

HUGE blowup with Chandler today.

The killer part was that he said I didn't consider his feelings. Now keep in mind, at the time it was like it had NO father. I just couldn't associate it with that.

But that I didn't wrack my brains over this, about raising a baby with him, about his wants/needs in terms of a family...that was such a low blow. I was like "I'm not accepting that...i have a journal that i've written in every day, i KNOW how much i thought of you".

More words...about my arrogance regarding the abortion. Arrogance. I was a disaster. I was disassociated.

The hand. The pain in the hand. The searing horrible hot poker pain in my hand.

He told me the day of the surgery I looked like a little girl curled up in the back of his car. Where was my arrogance then?!

All the times I've cried, beating myself up over it...where was my arrogance?

You think I"m arrogant because i weighed out EVERYONE'S lives, not just your own? What, i'm supposed to consider it FIFTY FIFTY? That is such BS...anyone who has the option of bailing, when it may not even be his, anyone who isn't glued to the "problem" 24/7 does NOT have the same amount of consideration.

Did it cross his mind about THE BABY? What he went through being juggled between parents? About how the baby would ask why there's no pictures of daddy while i'm pregnant? Why we don't talk to his/her grandmother? Why he/she can never learn his/her heritage from anyone but me? How the stress of it all will trickle down to the baby, and the baby would have been the ultimate victim.

Him wanting to keep the baby isn't for the sake of the baby itself...it's because it would have made HIM feel better, it would have added meaning to HIS life. So it's arrogant of me to think that risking a baby's life...and 10 months + a lifetime of mine...for his own needs?

And this is all stuff I never get to say. Being silenced. Being told that I can't write much, but he's allowed to write 4-line IMs. How he wants special treatment...is he the only one going through this pseudo breakup?

The push, push, pushing that he does...and then pulling back...it just plain HURTS.

And now, the things he said today...

You can't have loved someone if you can say those things. And looking back at all the other "meltdowns" he's had (averaging one every 2-3 months), he wanted mulligans on those words too...

He didn't love me.

He loved the IDEA of me.

And that stings so flippin' much, because I thought it was genuine and true. Despite feeling like I wasn't good enough, because he kept getting so angry at the drop of a pin...i tiptoed around him for an entire year (not very good, but i did...in his own words, he's a powder keg. He was like that ALL year, not just today).

If you really do love someone, and you can't make it work...you don't squeeze every last drop. You let them go for THEIR sake. How many times did i try that? Where i was like "holy sh*t, i'm killing me but i'm killing HIM. this has to stop. just end it. Just stop everything".

I'm babbling.

I fell in love with someone and went through everything (and seriously, it was no fucking picnic, which he only remembers in the good times that oh yeah...to quote...i stood by him more than anyone ever has or would)...all for nothing. Because when he gets an idea in his mind, he runs with it, he makes it up and just runs with it.

He is a bull in a china shop, and i was the only one in that china shop last year. I thought i made it out alive. I thought we'd be okay.

Not to say that i'm flawless. That's not what i'm saying. But i can only speak for my side in teh grand scheme.

My heart and head aches.
I hope he's okay tonight. Please please don't let him relapse, or even get drunk and do something stupid. Please just let him be safe. And not hurting like this.