82 Days Later - tired

2:38 pm
I'm super tired again lately. Is it the stress from the breakup with Chandler? The stress from focusing on my marriage?
I started to freak out wondering if i was this tired when i was pregnant before, i.e. am i pregnant now...which if i was, i doubt the excessive amount of Cipro and Diflucan would make my eggs viable this month.

81 Days Later - maybe i can stop counting


So today I don't have much to report emotion-wise, although yesterday I was a basket of nerves. All it takes is a few prodding questions from Chandler and i'm a mess, i was bawling the way home from work.

I went to the doctor and discussed my hair loss and stuff, she took a boatload of blood samples and a thyroid ultrasound. What's funny is how often i'm asked "and you havent' had any kids?"...no, i had a fetus, but no kid.

And then everyone says it's stress, and i tell them "my life isn't stressful, this is just regular LIFE. My job isn't stressful, i veg out and watch tv all the time, blah blah". But deep down, I know the stress..the abortion was huge, let alone juggling 2 relationships.

I had my pap smear and the chick comments on how there's still yeast from my YI (gross, i know...i haven't had a YI in years), and i look at her swap and it's covered in blood. I immediately freak out, thinking ti's something to do with the abortion, like maybe i didn't heal properly, but she told me that it's fine, she used a "brush" and it scrapes (hate that word now) and can sometimes cause a bit of bleeding.

She had no idea about the abortion, and i'm keeping it that way.

Before the abortion I worked out pretty regularly, i haven't done much since. I went last night with a friend but we talked the whole time. So i'm trying to make it a point to get over the intial "hump" of working out (where you feel like a flabby weakling), it's very daunting though...getting back to the regular routine of life.


A friend was leaving the country, had a going away shindig for her. She said to me not to get pregnant while she's gone.

80 Days Later - why are men such little bitches?


Let's see, so far today Chandler has had two hissy fits which included his usual "later" comments as he leaves IM (which is so retarded, because he usually gets back on within a minute, so doing so is basically just his version of giving the middle finger). Dude needs a lesson in effing manners.

And all of this just triggers memories of unresolved fights past, and why even if I were single, it would never work.

I'm feeling good about 2010. I really am. It took a long while to get to this point, but having a new year and a new decade allow for a clean slate.

The pain does eventually go down. Not completely...but a good chunk

79 Days Later - cried again


Things are just weird with Chandler, what with this "take it down a notch sort of friendship get over each other" crap.

TLC had all sorts of sex tv shows a few days ago that i recorded, I was watching one called "STrange Sex", about sexual disorders. Thought it would be about some freaky-ass stuff (which it was) until one condition came up where a chick was allergic to her husband's sperm (man that would SUCK). Anyway, they were talking about wanting a child and what not...i burst out in tears.

I wish i could pinpoint why. Maybe it was because I felt so bad for them, and I've BEEN there, i understand the frustration of not understanding what's going on in your sex life. Or maybe it's that I turn into the comparisons, of Joey as a father vs. Chandler as the father.

78 Days Later - interesting thought

4:53 pm

Interesting thing I read, how like 15% of all children born are through affairs (known mostly by guys who demand paternity tests 'cause they don't want to pay child support, etc, so factor that into the math if you will), but the number of children CONCEIVED through affairs is higher...but a woman is more likely to have an abortion if she had an affair and gets pregnant.

Gee, you think?

76 Days Later - NYE

6:05 pm

Real quick, Chandler's texts:

"Everything will be as its meant to be. And no matter what you r and ALWAYS will be the love of my life. U r perfect right now...perfect"

"I mean those words with all of my heart...you are the most special person to ever enter my life. And you ARE BEAUTIFUL".

Friend bucket, friend bucket, friend bucket...

75 Days Later - newz

really? I had to hear about someone else being pregnant...AGAIN?

This girl in particular is adorable, teenie, funny, liked by EVERYONE and possibly the coolest girl on the planet. The only girl I know with a ton of tattoos but they're cute and they suit her, they're not tacky.

She already was the most gorgeous pregnant girl the first time...and now she's pregnant again.

I feel like the biggest loser alive.

74 Days Later - year is wrapping up


"Working" from home today. I always look forward to the holidays so that I can get my crap done, but somehow I never get as much done as I wish.

Time...I never seem to have time....

Last night, had sex with Joey...sigh. That was a huge problem after we got married, and I tried everything i could...we are just straight up not compatible in that way. Right down to one time he made a comment about how i'm getting older and it's not his fault I have a high sex drive, and was I ever raped as a kid because why do I like it so rough etc...now it's where I have to watch my teeth, my nails, my noise levels, how hard i pull him in, etc...basically anything that shows any sign of passion on my part, i need to not do. I feel like there's so much restraint on my part that i'm just waiting for it to be over.

I had joined all sorts of forums, about when a spouse has a high sex drive vs. the other, and the strain it puts, and usually it's the GUY who bitches...so when it's the wife, it's even harder. I guess because we're supposed to be used to the pressure of someone wanting it, not us. Blah. You think it's "just sex" and down the road, what will matter...like when i'm 60, sex probably won't matter. Well...that's 30 years away. And at the time i was married, that was 35 years away. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that important because of the future (I worry more about the future than the present, however the present in my world never meets the future. It's always worrying about tomorrow, not today. Maybe that's the cache of affairs...it's the only time you live in the "now").

Blah. What's my point? Just that it rings my head that if the sex is great in a marriage, it's the least of the problems...if the sex is horrible/whatever, then it becomes a HUGE problem in the marriage.

2010. Figure it out bitch.

7:08 pm

Today one of my best friend's told me she had a dream about me. That i was pregnant. But I wasn't concerned about the fact i was going to have a baby, because I had to run off to see a guy i was having an affair with.

She gave much more detail (which i'm avoiding posting here in the odd chance she should ever come across t his site) but it was straight up as if I were pregnant now...the timeline, etc, it was so freaky. And no, she definitely doesn't know.

I'm wondering if next year around the time of my expected due date, if i'll remember it. It'll be around June 11th.

73 Days Later - Christmas is over, finally.


I don't even know what to write.

It's still odd the things that can trigger me. Visiting inlaws, etc, that was all good. Even when I drove by a ghetto "choose life" poster sign while driving back yesterday,i was completely fine and reacted as i would have before.

But then today, getting a pedicure reading some Good Housekeeping or whatever magazine there was an article about the "right" number of children for a family (it was just a profile of different families ranging from 1 to like 8 kids and why they ended up that way). There was one who had "0" kids but that was retarded...she had 1, he had 3, all from previous relationships, just that they can't have kids TOGETHER. WTF. That counted as 0?

I was shocked that people with absolutely no offspring weren't represented...and it just made me so incredibly sad, and terrified of my future, i sat there trying not to crack in that chair.

On a relationship note:
Things with Joey are relatively good, although I finally broached the subject that he has to apologize to my mom. That initially didn't go well, but geezus all i'm asking him to do is send an email saying "hey, hope your trip here was good, sorry if i was a little cranky there I was dealing wtih some laptop issues". He felt there was no need since at the end it was good, but i was like "you apologized to me at the end...what's the difference?".
The other thing was that during our trip, one night when he had drank a bit he was snoring so effing loud I had to move to the other bed in the hotel room close to the heater and pray the heater sound would drown it out. It didn't. I was up till 4am reading a book because i couldn't sleep. Then i cracked down and started crying...why? Because i was tired...because I longed to be with Chandler...because despite things going well, i'm not exactly overly happy...and as usual, sex is so-so...

Things with Chandler: slowly repatching after last weekend, I'm not quick to forgive but I don't want to go around with a grudge. He was really good when I FINALLY got to speak and tell him how i was hurt about stuff...and he's been finallyfocusing on getting himself better and turning his life around, and pretty much letting me go.


Sigh. Who am I kidding.

Let me get all retarded giddy Twilight teenager on you if you will, re: Chander:
And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

2 weeks ago he said something to me during whatever drama, that while I love both of them, you can only be IN love with one, and he doesn't think i'm IN LOVE with my husband.

This struck me, and I normallyfight and scoff at everything he says. however...he's right. That jackass is completely right. I love my husband. I cherish him, the thought of him hurting destroys me. And we have a huge investment in our lives..our house, our stuff, our friends, our families.

But if he were to decide he no longer loved me, and it didn't hurt him at all and he was HAPPIER as a result...i think I would feel relief.

I realized if I could snap my fingers and make me long/lust/love him the way i love Chandler, life would be perfect.

WHY can't Chandler have his sh*t together?!

The lifestyle stuff aside, i think we really would make a great team. I think most of our crap has been from the situation. I read somewhere that if like 6 months after an affair you're still digging it, then you can consider it seriously...I think at this point, 1.5 years into it...this isn't a fling and i've tried so many times to get over him.

I'm going to stand by my desire to work through things with my husband. But no way around it...I am crazy head over heels crying-missing-him-wishing-we-were-always-together-never-get-tired-of-each-other in love with that boy.

It doesn't help that tried with Joey tonight stuff...he couldn't finish...lovely, since that was the positive sign day of the ovulation stick thing...i know, why am i trying for a child with someone i'm not in love with...because he's my husband, because it's stable, because it's just EASIER, because my biological clock combined with the abortion has me seeing things in a way that's best for the child and not what's selfish for me, hurting everyone else around me.

Damn...Chandler can finish like 4 times a day without thinking twice...and they're both roughly the same age.

68 Days - held a baby

10:56 pm

Tonight did a double date, Joey and I with two new friends, a married couple who had a baby a few months ago.

At one point she had to do something so she just tossed the baby my way (naturally...everyone wants to hold a baby right?! GOD i hope that if i should be blessed enough to be pregnant again that I won't do the things that people have done to me...geezus what if I had a miscarriage!?).

I expected the baby to get fussy and cry, she was shy of 5 months. She sat on my lap, didn't cry, didn't fuss. Just chilled out. The past few years I always felt like babies knew how badly/desperately I wanted one of my own and i gave off a weird vibe. I thought I would give off an even worse vibe, the kind that toddlers and small children have noticed

I'm so effing annoyed, welcome to the world of marriage, NO time alone, Joey just came upstairs, so naturally I can't flippin' unload how i'm feeling. Seriously when do I get time to be FUCKING ALONE?!

67 days later - raw raw raw

1:25 pm

I always forget people read this. Thanks for all the kind words folks. I don't know what to do. I just want to do RIGHT by people. I feel like a stupid idiot going back for more, although a huge beef has been his threatening to come over to my HOUSE...which is huge, for obvious reasons, but also...dude, you're in this WITH me. I have TRIED to cut this situation loose and in an entire year, only 2x has it been because of me that we're still talking, and one time was shortly after the abortion so give me a break.

I take issue with other people trying to play God with other people's lives. It is not for you to be my moral police, especially when you're partially responsible.

I'm really pissed at some of the events again last night. That makes Fri-Mon a "damn you're a dumping ground aren't you" mode for me. His words last night...i lost it big time, and after he slammed my door and walked off and called me names i finally yelled athim to f*ck off (if you knew me, you'd know that that's not in my nature to do).


I wish I could go back in time.....damn that abortion. Damn everything surrounding it.

66 days later - The unforgiven

5:13 pm

Some crap with Chandler still...from the weekend...stuff that rings in my ears related to the abortion...i won't go into too much detail, but let's just say him screaming at me on the street and the use of the words "scrape" it plenty for you to get the idea.

And while he's sorry,a nd while he started therapy, i can't be around for it.

Really, my heart has broken a million times before but this was different...this was the "friend" glass, the onet hat despite our not being together romantically at least there was respect and understanding and just all-around caring. This glass was shattered hard and violently (metaphorically).


What the FUCK is wrong with me.

When i extend the last of my olive branches...it leaves with me getting more name calling.

He's on his own destructive path.

I did however say how it hurts, he feels like i was trying to remove the little version of him from inside me...I don't exactly get to impress upon him how it's not like that, etc...since i get 1/2 a sentence...

GOD i wish I were a lesbian. Men are more drama than women any day. I'm sick of having to be the strong one. Why aren't we the ones ruling the planet?

64 days later - emotions abound


Some emotional sh*t going on...

Stuff that makes me lose trust...but also made me realize that 100% of the Chandler stuff is on me. ANd that's hard. Hard not only because of the depth of what i feel for him, and the alternate universe, but also because i feel like i've been stringing him along when i thought we were on the same page.

The abortion stuff came up, and he said some sh*tty sh*tty stuff...things that will echo in my ear for a long time...

While men may think that they have it rough, they have no idea the emotional crap of being the one undergoing it. It's not even the afterstuff that is so bad, but the process itself is what makes it so horrific. The image of my legs, the room, the light, the doctor, the incredible searing pain in my hand, no one answering me when i kept wailing "what about my hand?! My hand! It hurts!"...them ignoring me...

I was a number, i was just one of a billion.

I searched my hand today, the scar from where they dinged me is totally gone. That was the last visible scar I had from that day.

I just want peace with everything. I want things to just work out the way they should.

If things work out with my marriage, and we're actually HAPPY...i will be so, so stoked. I just never give it a true shot. For as long as I'm talking to Chandler, I'm not making the effort with my marriage. And i truly do see that Joey is making an effort. The stuff with my family is one thing...but he's making efforts that he wasn't before.

Am I not allowed to have that?



Why couldn't I have met Chandler in another lifetime.
One where we could have had our child, assuming it was his (i'm not 100% sure obviously)
Sigh, he makes me feel like an absolute princess when things are good.

It's been over a decade since I had to stop being in love with someone...i don't know where to begin. Especially when damn, seeing him like tonight...the red of the tears surrounding the pale blue of his eyes making me crumble...

I wish I could remember why I told him I was pregnant. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't.

Someone posted on Facebook a picture of me from when i was pregnant, i have anotehr picture from that night but I hadn't seen this one. Someone is pouring a bottle of wine for me in the pic, and I remember even thinking that night "i'm pregnant and I'm drinking". Even though I knew I was having the abortion, it still felt weird like some sort of social services folks were going to rush up and arrest me.

In that picture, I look aged...i have crows feet in them with my fake plastered smile...all my pictures around that time were fake. I didn't feel comfortable in my skin, even worse than I do normally, it was such a weird feeling.

I felt like my body was being hijacked, there was a takeover. The pregnancy didn't feel good or right.

But then I remember the morning when all pregnancy symptoms disappeared, a few days after the surgery, and then I felt SUPER weird.

I just hope that my desire for a family isn't blinding me from what is going on with Joey...i AM happy...for the most part...just the stuff as of late is really making me wonder...it's a mix of things going crazy well with Chandler and Joey being a complete asshole to my family.

SIGH. I long to snap my fingers and make it all better. Somehow. Make Joey happy. Make Chandler happy. The both of them...they deserve love. They have BOTH wronged me, and i ahve resentment towards both, but in the grand scheme, they both deserve love and happiness.

63 days later - period finally ending


FINALLY. Period is reaching the end. It was like i had been stabbed.

When my family leaves on Sunday, it's full-on back to the gym to de-stress. Holidays and babies are bad bad bad. Back to the abortion workbooks too.


A friend of mine told me this today, knowing how badly I want a baby (one where i know who the father is!):

Well, yes, you gotta stay positive (although I know that can be hard). When I congratulated Janice she e-mailed me back and said that it took her two solid years of trying to get pregnant. Sometimes it can help to know that a lot of other people have a hard time with this stuff too; you’re not in it alone. But sometimes that doesn’t help at all, especially when you don’t really want to feel better, you just want it to happen. You will have a baby though Monica. You will. You want one so badly and it will happen for you – someway, somehow.

That last line has me sitting here trying desperately hard not to vomit in my seat.

62 Days Later - tales from last night

9:23 am

So last night my work had this children's christmas party thing. I helped out last year with the "photos with Santa" part, so theysigned me up again despite that i've got work conference stuff as well as family in town...i could have bailed, but I just didn't care and by then it was too late to back out.

Okay confession, i saw Chandler at lunch and I mentioned to him that hmm, maybe it wouldn't be ag ood idea to do this...be around small children in masses like this while i havent' even worked through the abortion workbook because of the family visit and all. He offered to come out (it was family/friends/whatever) but i was like "no no it's okay"

When i got there, i was overwhelmed. Plus i did indeed need help. So i called him, and he drove over. Not that he was able to do that much for me, i had the system of printing, putting in frames, dealing with crowds, all down to a quick science and there was a moment of awkwardness with one coworker who is very chatty and I didn't get much of a chance to stress he was a FRIEND, not my husband or anything, and I had to make SURE he saw us leaving in separate cars. Even though afterwords I took him out for a quick drink which brought me home around 10pm, i went straight to bed and then woke up at 5:30 for a meeting. But i digress.


So when I got to the holiday thing, just seeing people I worked with and their babies...two women who were pregnant when i started and their kids old enough to be in cute little outfits, etc...for some reason, seeing one guy I work with in particular...i don't know why. Something about seeing HIM with his little girl...it was hard as hell.

Then i was just thinking about how if I were pregnant, i probably wouldn't even be stuck sitting doing tha tjob, or maybe I would nad people's wives would gush over my pregnancy (would i be showing that much? I have no idea). Or how in a year I would be the one taking pics of our family with "santa", despite my loathing of Christmas.

So when it wa all done I told Chandler to grab a drink with me, and when we parked he saw me crying...he rushed over to my car, threw open the door, gave me a big hug...he's like "that was your game face? Holy. i thought you were just feeling awkward 'cause it was a work thing. I didn't know it was like that for you". Yes...I spent 2 hours smiling and being phony.

Damn that boy. Damn him for coming into my life when he did. Sigh and damn him for not having his sh*t together.

I got home, and a book I had ordered came in, i wish I oculd put the title here but that's another thing i'm afraid might give me away (Joey would recognize the title), anyway it had a section about pregnancy and infidelity. The gist of it is...if you sleep with your husband a ton one month but have ONE one night stand, you are most likely going to get pregnant from the one night stand because your body chose the affair when you were at your peak fertility, when you were that turned on, whereas your everyday "boring" lover/boyfriend/husband you just did the deed but not when you were THAT turned on...which was reserved for the affair. I'm not fully explaining it right, but basically your body knows when it's fertile and it will get you pregnant when you're at your peak with the person your body thinks is the best viable father, regardless if you're aware of it or not.

It's effing fascinating stuff.

And there it is...

I spend all day mixed between fighting to get over Chandler vs. realizing, holy sh*t i love that boy like there's no tomorrow, like warm fuzzy crap...then i find out that something i said last night upset him, and then somehow it got into stuff, and he's getting emotional, i'm hiding that i'm getting emotional, and then ihad to jet.

I sent him some texts saying i was wrong (i was...kinda...not going to go into some other stuff, in the grand scheme of "pick your battles" it would have been more beneficial to just stop trying to explain my side, my viewpoint, what i meant, or even to try and make him feel better...i should have just said "you're right, i can see why that would bug you, i'm sorry" but therein lies a problem, the "sorry" part...lord help anyone who says sorry to him, you'll get ripped a new one every time), and while he's cool with stuff now, why am i still shaking?

I hate admitting that i'm still in love with him, i hate that i've thought about him Edward/Bella style since i met him a year and a half ago, i hate that i imagine an alternate universe where we're husband and wife and all that crap. I hate that he makes me feel like the only woman alive, and that my weight doesnt' matter, I hate that even without makeup he can look at me like i'm miss america.

grr. men.

10:38 pm

What do you do when you love two men?

What do you do when you get so deep into this mess, you find yourself on an operating table, giving up the one thing that you so badly wanted.

Your heart aches on all counts because with either of them, you're not getting what you truly want. But...if I gave, truly gave, 100% of myself to either, would I then get what i want?

Sigh, i tried it with Joey, in the past...but I still have so much with Chandler that I want to shake and scream and say "wtf dude...FIX THIS...."...but what's his incentive? Sigh.

Damn my husband for being "just enough" that I can't leave him, and damn Chandler for being too much to make me be able to leave as well.

61 Days Later - Like a dam burst


My period started. It was like a dam burst. Or a pipe burst. At this rate tampons are just serving as plugs 'causae when i go to change them, so much gushes out it's like i've been stabbed. And i don't care if it's TMI, when you have an abortion blog that goes with the territory.

3:15 pm

So...I invited Chandler to come to my work to meet me for lunch...damn when he's a doll, he's a complete doll. I do know though that when my family leaves and I can get back to the abortion workbook stuff, a lot of the anger in me will come back out again.

Anyway, we were talking about weight and stuff, and he was basically saying that i looked great with some extra pounds on me back in October. He said it as "Well, you know the weight you were when you were pregnant, i thought you looked great etc etc"...and I was like "whoa. it's weird to hear someone say 'when you were pregnant'"....

I mean, in my brain i think "abortion" more than "pregnant", but to HEAR it...it really makes it real. Like holy sh*t...

When i hear "pregnant" i think of my mom, i think of grownup things, i think of the type of person who gets the pink parking spots at Gelson's, that people give up their bench for so she can sit, who everyone gushes and oohhhs and ahhhs over.

Basically I feel probably like one of thsoe people who had a big fat 401k and house and are now delivering pizzas. I feel like a loser...i HAD it...and i screwed it up.

Again, to repeat, keeping it wasn't an option. It wasn't mine to keep. At least, that's what i told myself at the time. It was a little dude renting out space in my stomach. I didn't talk to it, it didn't talk to me, we kept to our own rooms and that was it. Until little dude got evicted without notice.

Thank God i did it even slightly before the 5week mark (where they had to fudge it just so i could get the surgery)...otherwise i'd start freaking out about it maybe hurting. Which is stupid...i never subscribed to that, it's not like it was a full on person and all that...but that something inside of me felt a split second of excruciating pain...geezus i'm in a work thing right now and i'm finding myself needing to breathe into a paper bag.

In other news, someone tried to hack into this Google account.

Why do i keep hearing the "when you were pregnant" ringing in my head?

In a weird way, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I was definitely a different person back then.

There are some key moments everyone has the defines who they are...some of them i can't list without it being obvious who i am, but a few are:
- when an ex-boyfriend put me in a highrisk situation, that when i was safe I was so effing grateful to no longer be a part of his ghetto scary druggie world
- when i got laid off for the first time from a "real" grownup job, i made some professional work rules and i've stuck by them ever since
- the day i got engaged

And now...the day I had an abortion.

I guess it's even more pivotal because I fell asleep being That Girl...and I woke up to become This Girl. I wasn't even awake for the transformation.

4:23 pm

I was on those Passboards or whatever, just perusing around...came across a chick's story...i really don't GET people who name their fetuses. No way in hell am i naming it...i don't even know if it was a boy or a girl, i don't know...it just seems bizarre to me. It's not like giving up a puppy. When it comes to naming it, i get very clinical and logical about.

But in this chick's case, she named her aborted fetus/baby/whatever as Chandler's real name (what...you thought that was his real name? :P) Somehow seeing that name, in relation to an abortion...if i were to ever name my kid that (obviously it would follow with "Junior"), I couldn't IMAGINE aborting it...i don't know...i wish I could explain the feelings of seeing that. Joey's name in real life is unique so no one would use that name, but I adore Chandler's real name and just knowing someone aborted a child that WOULD have been another him out there...

I don't know why this is blowing my mind.

60 Days Later - bad bad cramps again


The pseudo period i got is resulting in nothing but cramps. No blood (i got all of like, 1/4 of a teaspoon yesterday at best,now it's all done), just cramps. Similar to the day i had the surgery. Like the ones i had last month...when I called the place where i had the surgery to freak out.

Lovely. I now get monthly reminders in the form of pain to remind me that I had an abortion.

Twice this week I've had some professional ask me about my babymaking status. My optometrist and yesterday, my dentist. What if i was infertile? Geezus chr1st stop asking me people. What if I just had a miscarriage?

I'll cut them some slack because they're men. But really...people...please stop. Just stop.

The whole thing still gets me upset. That i sucked out of me the very thing that I would kill to have (ironically). I'm at work in a room full of people right now and i STILL have to fight the tears that are welling up.

This demon was quite the loud disturbing house guest when he first moved in. Now he has settled in nicely into his position and has taken a permanent role in tormenting me. How do you exorcise this type of demon?


I caved and took the 800mg of Ibuprofen as per the abortion clinic's recommendation last month. It's not even the pain itself, but combined with knowing WHY i have the pain, it's making me miserable. Plus it feels like my uterus is about to fall out of my body, no joke.

I made my annual girly exam checkup appointment, early January...no WAY am i gonna tell her about the abortion. The less people that know, the better. And the less "real" it makes it...sigh.

The stress of my life from the past 2 years (marital woes, plus the abortion, and new job stuff) my hair has thinned like crazy. It's gotten me REALLY upset because...well...i'm vain. I don't think i'm attractive or hot or anything, but my appearance in terms of youthfulness MATTERS. It was starting to get thick again but then the abortion thing made it all go to hell in a handbasket. I asked my mom about her hair, thinking maybe it was hereditary, and she said she didn't start thinning out a bit till she was 40. Then she's been all "that's just SO ODD usually it thins out after you have a baby..." and all t he research I read online said the same thing.

Yeah so odd...i didn't have a baby but I seem to have all the other symptoms and crap that go along with it. AWESOME.


Holy sh*t.

My period came out of me like a dam bursting. I had on a pantyliner (just in case...it's not like it's normal for me to have NO period or just the 1/4 teaspoon), it soaked through that, through my underwear, a bit through my jeans (yay for dark jeans). Now it's like it won't stop. I can't begin to express the amount that has come out of me so far. It's like my body has all this pent-up blood.

Maybe now my period will go back to normal and I won't still get cramps.

I did more online estimating of when my due date would be. I mean, depending on what website you go to, i get different dates. Plus if you go from the date of my last period before the pregnancy vs. how far along they said i was...it's basically between June 7th and June 14th, which before the abortion i estimated it at June 11th, so now we have the full range. I wonder if I could have asked them what it would have been.

I wonder if they would have known, their little ultrasound machine doodad.
I wonder if they would have told me.
I wonder if I would have asked if the thought had crossed my mind.
I wonder if I would be any more tormented than I am already.

59 Days Later - finally writing again

11:17 am

I can't begin to explain the crappiness that is my marriage right now. Really, things were going good. And then the ONE thing i asked, which was to be nice to my family, he didn't do. The final straw was when he snapped at ME last night...oh he knows he did something wrong because i've been cold as ice to him, andh e's been allhuggy and cuddly and sh*t.

I have been one step from telling him that he can enjoy another Xmas without me, iw ould NEVER show his mother that type of disrespect. Never. It wouldn't cross my mind. I was stern with her, after a health scare because she wouldn't go to the doctor, but no way was I rude or disrespectful but I did lay the smackdown becuase I flew all the way up in order to make sure she was okay. And even then, i'm only putting that here to cover my bases because i don't think it was even a blip on anything that would be called inappropriate.

I actually broke out in hives or some other nastiness on my back as a result of it. As well as fell back into an eating disorder thing.

Of course in order to handle my stress, i started back up chatting with Chandler, another addiction i guess you can call it, what can i say...when he makes me smile, i'm beaming. I've been good to not tell him the details involving Joey because i used to do that in the past and it's not fair for anyone...it's not like i can go to Joey and bitch about Chandler. But if there's anything I know, it's that Chandler would give his left nut to be a part of my family, to meet them, to do their traditions, etc. ANd if he were a dick to my family (which i can't imagine he would be..i can imagine he would be to my friends for some reason if he felt threatened, but NEVEr to my family) I k now he'd man up and apologize asap.

And i know i shouldn't compare, but f*ck it, for the week i've had if this is the only thing that's keeping me sane is my little fantasy world, then so be it.

I've just been a crying mess about everything...about the abortion still, baby stuff, my husband's effing attitude, family stuff, so on and so forth. But when i say "crying mess" i mean, i plaster a smile on and then any moment i have alone (either when brushing my teeth or driving somewhere quickly). Just smile smile smile...sometimes i just get cranky, but it's general crankiness not a "seriously i'm so f*cking pissed at you" more like "what? NO i said i'm going to shower LAYYTERR!".

Like i need to add to my list of guilt "husband is a rude, inconsiderate jerk to mother".

In other news, i got a pseudo period again. It's so weird, i havent' had a "true" period (like, tampon-level) since August.

Obviously post-surgery bleeding doesn't count as a period.

A few weeks ago I had dark discharge for a brief moment. Same thing last night. At this rate, i'm starting to MISS my period (although it's nice to not have to spend $$ but it's not like i was spendign that much anyway). They told me to call on Dec 16th if i don't get my period and that's 2 days away, so we'll see what happens between now and then.


UGH ever since this abotion i've become such a wimp. I hate country music, but somehow i ended up listening to this song and the lyrics have me in tears...maybe because right now, i sure as hell don't feel this for my husband (and cried at lunch over how mad at him I am but i can't do anything because i know he'll shut down completely and be a dick for the rest of the week):

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

56 days later - it never stops

11:48 pm

More baby issues...you see a birth scene on tv and you bawl. Sigh.

55 days later - baby dreams


More baby dreams last night. Bad baby dreams.

Can't even type any more than this crap because of the usual family sh*t that's going on right now. I would kill for some effing privacy.

54 Days Later - no time to think

4:04 pm

Seems i've been swamped with work combined with this family visit.

Last night I lost it...i was gripping my bathroom counter trying not to cry...especially when my mother (after i yelled at her for something) said "what would you do if your daughter talked to you that way?"

I can't explain what that did to me. I just can't.


Geezus fucking christ. Family issues, Joey snapping at me saying I snapped athim, I tried apologizing and he said "i don't want to talk to you right now"...me: "i'm saying i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, i won't continue to snap, i'm sorry" and he's ignoring me now. WTF. Chandler bitchy-ass email yesterday, now this crap from Joey today.

Men are a bunch of fucking p*ssies.

And i'm attempting to write in this to explain how I went to the mall and Firefox fucking crashed, anyway if you had an abortion and would be pregnant over xmas, then do yourself a favor and just buy ALL your gifts online that December because it is the most depressing, gut-wrenching t hing. And i HATE Xmas.

Anyway, I now have to suck up to Joey or else he'll take out my one-time snapping out on my mom which will then prompt me to have to consider divorcing him, because he did that LAST time I saw her, and that was unacceptable and part of hte reason I left him the first time.

It's sad when you find being at work to be less stressful and enjoyable then your own damn home life.

10:29 pm

Yesterday Chandler misquoted me on something in order to make a snarky comment,
that I only need him when things are crappy.

How little he knows when things are crappy...how much this plagues me...he has no idea. I've tried my best with him, to show him it's not like that. This will haunt me long past what he, or anyone would ever think. I turn to him for a small part of it, there's times he's seen most of it but only for small glimpses before I get a grip...before I may have felt like a fraud to others, now I feel like a fraud to myself, to my own mind even when I'm feeling kind of good...I feel like a fraud. I'm a fraud on every level of my soul.

To get rid of something that I so desperately wanted...

And i know I couldn't have kept it.

But my resentment for a lot of things is growing..my resentment towards Chandler for so MANY flippin' things that I was WAYYYYYYY too cool about when he would ask for forgiveness...i'm angry at Joey for only NOW giving a crap about the fertility stuff, I'm mad at myself for thinking it wasn't a big deal, I'm mad at myself for not following relationship rules in sequence and not "overlapping" and falling for one while dealing with a crappy marriage, i'm resentful at everyone, i'm resentful at friends with kids....

I'm resentful because I never seem to have any DAMN ALONE TIME TO SORT OUT MY FUCKING FEELINGS...Joey coming up behind me while I"m trying to be stealth and write this in Notepad...i'm mad becuase I know he wants to get it on tonight and I've been spoiled by the awesomeness and chemistry with Chandler...

When will i ever get a frickin' chance to process this once and for all?!??!?!?!

53 days later - ghosts of memories past

Lately I've been viewing this abortion like it was a "location", and each day is like a new mile that i'm driven further away from it. So when you're only 5 days out, it's like you can still "see" the abortion so you can be upset still. But it's like i'm 53 miles away...i feel like I have no right to still act as if the Abortion building is right around the corner.

I know i need to allow myself to grieve and all that, but with family visiting i can't even do any of the workbook stuff, etc.

Plus I'm already pretty emotional when it comes to my jacked-up family, let alone since the surgery I'm SUCH a baby. So within a few hours of the visit I was already screaming and getting emotional.

Today i've come up with a "strategy" and it's helped tremendously in handling the emotions.

I've also been thinking about shelling out the $$ to see my old therapist, however for the cash i'd rather put it towards bills or a cleaning service. I'm just wary to tell her about the abortion...i don't want to go down that path, i don't want any more people knowing nor do I want to open the pandora's box with her. Hell, i don't want it written in even more spots that I had this.

It's like I want to erase that this happened, but I want the right to be able to be sad about it as well.

52 Days Later - not hurting yet

10:51 am

Going out of town was a good thing, minus being in a car with a girlfriend who did nonstop baby talk of all her friends' lives.

Certain things don't hurt as much. Like on the radio a DJ made a wisecrack about something being a train wreck and his co-host said "Yeah, it was a total abortion"...it didn't hurt, it didn't make me cry. It shock me a little but it was actually kind of funny how he said it. It did however remind me "oh yeah. Abortion. I'm one of them."