59 Days Later - finally writing again

11:17 am

I can't begin to explain the crappiness that is my marriage right now. Really, things were going good. And then the ONE thing i asked, which was to be nice to my family, he didn't do. The final straw was when he snapped at ME last night...oh he knows he did something wrong because i've been cold as ice to him, andh e's been allhuggy and cuddly and sh*t.

I have been one step from telling him that he can enjoy another Xmas without me, iw ould NEVER show his mother that type of disrespect. Never. It wouldn't cross my mind. I was stern with her, after a health scare because she wouldn't go to the doctor, but no way was I rude or disrespectful but I did lay the smackdown becuase I flew all the way up in order to make sure she was okay. And even then, i'm only putting that here to cover my bases because i don't think it was even a blip on anything that would be called inappropriate.

I actually broke out in hives or some other nastiness on my back as a result of it. As well as fell back into an eating disorder thing.

Of course in order to handle my stress, i started back up chatting with Chandler, another addiction i guess you can call it, what can i say...when he makes me smile, i'm beaming. I've been good to not tell him the details involving Joey because i used to do that in the past and it's not fair for anyone...it's not like i can go to Joey and bitch about Chandler. But if there's anything I know, it's that Chandler would give his left nut to be a part of my family, to meet them, to do their traditions, etc. ANd if he were a dick to my family (which i can't imagine he would be..i can imagine he would be to my friends for some reason if he felt threatened, but NEVEr to my family) I k now he'd man up and apologize asap.

And i know i shouldn't compare, but f*ck it, for the week i've had if this is the only thing that's keeping me sane is my little fantasy world, then so be it.

I've just been a crying mess about everything...about the abortion still, baby stuff, my husband's effing attitude, family stuff, so on and so forth. But when i say "crying mess" i mean, i plaster a smile on and then any moment i have alone (either when brushing my teeth or driving somewhere quickly). Just smile smile smile...sometimes i just get cranky, but it's general crankiness not a "seriously i'm so f*cking pissed at you" more like "what? NO i said i'm going to shower LAYYTERR!".

Like i need to add to my list of guilt "husband is a rude, inconsiderate jerk to mother".

In other news, i got a pseudo period again. It's so weird, i havent' had a "true" period (like, tampon-level) since August.

Obviously post-surgery bleeding doesn't count as a period.

A few weeks ago I had dark discharge for a brief moment. Same thing last night. At this rate, i'm starting to MISS my period (although it's nice to not have to spend $$ but it's not like i was spendign that much anyway). They told me to call on Dec 16th if i don't get my period and that's 2 days away, so we'll see what happens between now and then.

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4:16pm

UGH ever since this abotion i've become such a wimp. I hate country music, but somehow i ended up listening to this song and the lyrics have me in tears...maybe because right now, i sure as hell don't feel this for my husband (and cried at lunch over how mad at him I am but i can't do anything because i know he'll shut down completely and be a dick for the rest of the week):

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

56 days later - it never stops

11:48 pm

More baby issues...you see a birth scene on tv and you bawl. Sigh.

55 days later - baby dreams

6:58pm

More baby dreams last night. Bad baby dreams.

Can't even type any more than this crap because of the usual family sh*t that's going on right now. I would kill for some effing privacy.

54 Days Later - no time to think

4:04 pm

Seems i've been swamped with work combined with this family visit.

Last night I lost it...i was gripping my bathroom counter trying not to cry...especially when my mother (after i yelled at her for something) said "what would you do if your daughter talked to you that way?"

I can't explain what that did to me. I just can't.

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9:17pm

Geezus fucking christ. Family issues, Joey snapping at me saying I snapped athim, I tried apologizing and he said "i don't want to talk to you right now"...me: "i'm saying i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, i won't continue to snap, i'm sorry" and he's ignoring me now. WTF. Chandler bitchy-ass email yesterday, now this crap from Joey today.

Men are a bunch of fucking p*ssies.

And i'm attempting to write in this to explain how I went to the mall and Firefox fucking crashed, anyway if you had an abortion and would be pregnant over xmas, then do yourself a favor and just buy ALL your gifts online that December because it is the most depressing, gut-wrenching t hing. And i HATE Xmas.

Anyway, I now have to suck up to Joey or else he'll take out my one-time snapping out on my mom which will then prompt me to have to consider divorcing him, because he did that LAST time I saw her, and that was unacceptable and part of hte reason I left him the first time.

It's sad when you find being at work to be less stressful and enjoyable then your own damn home life.

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10:29 pm

Yesterday Chandler misquoted me on something in order to make a snarky comment,
that I only need him when things are crappy.

How little he knows when things are crappy...how much this plagues me...he has no idea. I've tried my best with him, to show him it's not like that. This will haunt me long past what he, or anyone would ever think. I turn to him for a small part of it, there's times he's seen most of it but only for small glimpses before I get a grip...before I may have felt like a fraud to others, now I feel like a fraud to myself, to my own mind even when I'm feeling kind of good...I feel like a fraud. I'm a fraud on every level of my soul.

To get rid of something that I so desperately wanted...

And i know I couldn't have kept it.

But my resentment for a lot of things is growing..my resentment towards Chandler for so MANY flippin' things that I was WAYYYYYYY too cool about when he would ask for forgiveness...i'm angry at Joey for only NOW giving a crap about the fertility stuff, I'm mad at myself for thinking it wasn't a big deal, I'm mad at myself for not following relationship rules in sequence and not "overlapping" and falling for one while dealing with a crappy marriage, i'm resentful at everyone, i'm resentful at friends with kids....

I'm resentful because I never seem to have any DAMN ALONE TIME TO SORT OUT MY FUCKING FEELINGS...Joey coming up behind me while I"m trying to be stealth and write this in Notepad...i'm mad becuase I know he wants to get it on tonight and I've been spoiled by the awesomeness and chemistry with Chandler...


When will i ever get a frickin' chance to process this once and for all?!??!?!?!

53 days later - ghosts of memories past

Lately I've been viewing this abortion like it was a "location", and each day is like a new mile that i'm driven further away from it. So when you're only 5 days out, it's like you can still "see" the abortion so you can be upset still. But it's like i'm 53 miles away...i feel like I have no right to still act as if the Abortion building is right around the corner.

I know i need to allow myself to grieve and all that, but with family visiting i can't even do any of the workbook stuff, etc.

Plus I'm already pretty emotional when it comes to my jacked-up family, let alone since the surgery I'm SUCH a baby. So within a few hours of the visit I was already screaming and getting emotional.

Today i've come up with a "strategy" and it's helped tremendously in handling the emotions.

I've also been thinking about shelling out the $$ to see my old therapist, however for the cash i'd rather put it towards bills or a cleaning service. I'm just wary to tell her about the abortion...i don't want to go down that path, i don't want any more people knowing nor do I want to open the pandora's box with her. Hell, i don't want it written in even more spots that I had this.

It's like I want to erase that this happened, but I want the right to be able to be sad about it as well.

52 Days Later - not hurting yet

10:51 am

Going out of town was a good thing, minus being in a car with a girlfriend who did nonstop baby talk of all her friends' lives.

Certain things don't hurt as much. Like on the radio a DJ made a wisecrack about something being a train wreck and his co-host said "Yeah, it was a total abortion"...it didn't hurt, it didn't make me cry. It shock me a little but it was actually kind of funny how he said it. It did however remind me "oh yeah. Abortion. I'm one of them."

48 days later - rollercoastereeeee day

3:54 pm

Today's been weird. One moment i'm chill, next minute I get choked up.

I went to lunch with a friend who insisted the Joey's fertility is probably fine, and mine is probably fine, so why am i freaking out, i havent' been doing it like rabbits with Joey to know if maybe that's why i'm not pregnant.

Yeah well...no sh*t. Chandler and I did it like rabbits
sigh and what a good rabbit he is

I can't maintain that with Joey, I can't even do it more than once at BEST twice a month...He doesn't have the drive, and I don't have it emotionally in me to try not to cry the entire time if we do it more than that.

At one point my friend implied that i should consider what if *I'M* infertile (then she said "i'm sure it's all fine) and i wanted to SCREAM...i know i'm fine. the first time in my life where i'm sloppy and DIDN'T want to get pregnant, it happened asap.

I think I narrowed down the night. The night we snuck into that pool and hot tub (it's always a hot tub isn't it) in the condo he was crashing.

I got a call from the chick who works for that birth choice clinic, they have an abortion support group starting in January. Even though it's religious, I'll take it.

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4:19pm

It's so weird the things that will set me off.

Watching frickin' Eastwick (great show, too bad it's being canceled), they were saving a chick's teenage daughter who had fallen under ice into a lake...THAT made me start bawling. Maybe i just got caught up, it was filmed pretty well, and i was getting into it...or maybe it's that you can imagine the emotions a mother would have knowing her daughter has fallen through ice...

And here I am, still bawling...

I had something/someone I was supposed to protect.

I suddenly just feel like....

i'm a really bad person.

I don't feel like i'm worthy or should ever be allowed to be pregnant ever again. I'm fighting to make it happen when deep down, I lost the right to ever have a child let alone many.