48 days later - rollercoastereeeee day

3:54 pm

Today's been weird. One moment i'm chill, next minute I get choked up.

I went to lunch with a friend who insisted the Joey's fertility is probably fine, and mine is probably fine, so why am i freaking out, i havent' been doing it like rabbits with Joey to know if maybe that's why i'm not pregnant.

Yeah well...no sh*t. Chandler and I did it like rabbits
sigh and what a good rabbit he is

I can't maintain that with Joey, I can't even do it more than once at BEST twice a month...He doesn't have the drive, and I don't have it emotionally in me to try not to cry the entire time if we do it more than that.

At one point my friend implied that i should consider what if *I'M* infertile (then she said "i'm sure it's all fine) and i wanted to SCREAM...i know i'm fine. the first time in my life where i'm sloppy and DIDN'T want to get pregnant, it happened asap.

I think I narrowed down the night. The night we snuck into that pool and hot tub (it's always a hot tub isn't it) in the condo he was crashing.

I got a call from the chick who works for that birth choice clinic, they have an abortion support group starting in January. Even though it's religious, I'll take it.


It's so weird the things that will set me off.

Watching frickin' Eastwick (great show, too bad it's being canceled), they were saving a chick's teenage daughter who had fallen under ice into a lake...THAT made me start bawling. Maybe i just got caught up, it was filmed pretty well, and i was getting into it...or maybe it's that you can imagine the emotions a mother would have knowing her daughter has fallen through ice...

And here I am, still bawling...

I had something/someone I was supposed to protect.

I suddenly just feel like....

i'm a really bad person.

I don't feel like i'm worthy or should ever be allowed to be pregnant ever again. I'm fighting to make it happen when deep down, I lost the right to ever have a child let alone many.

47 Days Later - MUST be positive today. Must.

10:17 am

I thought about just skipping changing the dates becuase doing that daily is becoming a pain in my ass, but last thing I need is for anyone I know who's secretly had an abortion stumble upon this and clue in that it's me based on some of the events i'm writing about.

Yesterday was a bad day, there's no WAY i can get into that frame of mind again today.

I read this:

Life's up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals - Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want.

Which is pure cheese but I can say the abortion has definitely taught me things about myself that I didn't realize before.

Drama with my mom and her visit. This is NOT what i need. I already have no time to myself to handle the situation, let alone having to be around her 24/7 when i'm not at work. And now she wants to stay longer. I can't hack it. My self esteem is already shot to hell, i'm trying to REBUILD "me" right now...in order to handle her, I have to be the strongest "me" possible which is rare. I love my mom, I think she's pretty damn incredible, but if there's anything she can do is push my buttons.

I have a huge issue when people are passive-aggressive. It's such a crappy form of manipulation. My mother is pretty good at it, and she shrugs her shoulders when you get mad and says "what? All i'm saying is x y z" and you're like "uh no, that's not 'all' you're saying and you know it".


In other news, I'm nervous all of a sudden. Today i've been exhausted (I took a nap in the morning at work, and then left work early and took ANOTHER nap, and now it's 10:33pm, i should be wired right? Wrong, i'm ready to pass out again) and i've eaten like food is going out of style. I.e: i have pregnancy symptoms. Now all of this will hopefully be in my head (becuase I shouldn't be....and I only JUST did stuff with Chandler), basically another reason to stay away from that boy. My desire for him never stops. Best to avoid temptation.

Which will be easier with my mom here anyway.

Anyway, in other news Joey found out insurance covers 50% of his fertility testing, however that begs the question: 50% of WHAT exactly? But i told him I don't care, put it on a credit card. I don't care. I don't care. I refuse to NOT be pregnant in 2010.

My new year's resolution can be summed up as: I need to get my life on track.

46 Days Later - Keep running up that hill

10:33 am

Yeah i didn't post at all yesterday. Mostly for a lack of time, and out of extreme exhaustion.

My emotions come and go. Usually when i run an errand and I see a stay-at-home mom. You would never ever peg me as the type who is maternal or would even WANT to just stay at home to look after their child (stay at home to not work: yes. Stay at home to be a mother? no).

This morning I started to have some resentment towards Chandler again. About how he said if i had kept the baby, THEN he wuold have hauled ass in life. Yeah, awesome. Most people haul ass BEFORE having babies, you don't start making an effort because you've conceived. Essentially, you're saying I woul dhave been a single mom in terms of finances. That's a big help.

Or how it seemed like blackmail was his ultimate trump card, and he used it damn often. The final night of it all, i had a sense i might be pushing it, but i was like "what the FUCK. I had an ABORTION yesterday. I think i'm allowed to freak the fuck out when he's being a dick". And asking me whether I told someone who then posted something on craigslist...really? Stay the fuck away from Craigslist. Secondly, what kind of people do you t hink I know? Thirdly, I JUST HAD AN ABORTION. And you want to worry about something you read on Craigslist? really? Let's see howm uch harder you can slap me in the face. I had bigger things to worry about, including a hosting a party and keeping a smile on my face while inside completely falling apart, moreso than I ever have in my entire life. And so...because I got pissed and flipped out, you sent texts to my husband? Really? Thanks for taking one for the team.

It wasn't until a week after the abortion when I desperately needed someone to talk to, and it was big time over with us, did he become the knight in shining armor that I needed him to be the day of the abortion itself.

So why do I have this resentment now? Because those texts, he lost his job, the job he needed...we both needed him to have...and that was MY credibility on the line, the one and only time i recommended him for a job.

I feel like there are times i handed him things on a silver platter and he still didn't do the work necessary. Maybe that makes me judgmental, but at this point fuck it, i'm allowed to judge. We had a baby together. There was LIFE inside of me, life that was half him (well, mostly likely, can't obvoiusly know 100% for sure), and he tells me he would have made it work if we HAD the baby?

I don't know why that infuriates me. I started hauling ass when I was in highschool because I saw the big, long-term picture to get the life I wanted. Didn't go as planned, but sure as hell brought me farther than the alternative. I started hauling ass around 14/15 years old. Andh e wants to start hauling ass at 35 ONLY under the conditions that I had kept the kid?

Maybe also because I'm starting to become cynical to his sweet words...his words mean everything to me, but actions speak louder than words and for someone who says he wants "us" and he'll wait and all that...if things dont' work out with my husband, i'm supposed to rely on love alone to make things work with someone else? We're not 18 in Kentucky. We're in our 30s, and we both know that jobs, careers, debt, etc matter...especially for women when picking a mate. This isn't news. Women can't look for work when pregnant (well, you CAN, best of luck finding a job, let alone you aren't eligible for FMLA anyway), you may not want to admit it buty ou need a guy to be constantly working in the event that you can't when you're pregnant/newly given birth.

Why am i so effing angry today???? It's not like I would ahve kept the baby, that's definitely not an option. But maybe i'm also mad because part of that choice wasn't ever there for ME, because I feel like I made teh choice to be a single mom or not (assuming the baby wasn't Joey's).

There's some gorgeous houses on the street where he lives, and he said yesterday for the first time that one particular house was attainable in his eyes. I don't know why this got me MAD. Maybe becuase *I* don't even aspire for a home like that, and i HAVE a home...i'm aspiring for something with a driveway. That's it. A driveway. And no attached wall. Something that isn't a townhouse but my insurance company calls it a "condo". I'm mad because he says he wants this so effing bad, this "us"...and yes, things are going super well with Joey...but I guess i just want him to put his money where his mouth is and PROVE IT. NOt for me, but for any girl you want to be with, for any family you say you want, if you want it PROVE IT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I wish I could scream at him that all of his dicking around, he in the past 12 months could have honed in some wicked Photoshop skills, built the most incredible portfolio. I have a girlfriend who's a graphic's designer, her portfolio is full of "fake" menus, advertisments, brochures, etc. He could easily have learned so much stuff on his own having already the basics down, could have learned Illustrator to boot (since i had the CD to give him), could have done the odd small logo-building gig here or there, just enough to pay that rent of his which I don't think is even that much.

And the killer part is: if i say anything, it's like i'm judging, when this is me saying "i think you're talented, you should max it out and make $$ off of it". I have a nephew through marriage the same way, i was the only one pushing him towards college, REALLY pushing when no one else was, and then i was accused of being judgmental. No, it's called "this is hwo the real world works, and ihave so much faith in you that's why i'm pushing you like this, you're better than what everyone else thinks, prove to them that you can do more".

Okay. I'm bitching and i probably am making no sense.

I just have resentment. I have resentment becuase the odd time my brain goes into "what if i had kept the baby" mode, if it wasn't Joey's, i would have been a single mom because I don't trust when someone says "if you hadkept it, i would have turned things around"...i needed him to show me that long before conception.

Yeah. I'm a bitch.


Sigh, i AM a bitch...Chandler IMed me and i started talkinga bout the abortion and he was great.

I'm just having a hard time becuase i realized on friday it'll be the 2nd trimester. This would have been the time where I could have told people. This weekend I would have had people gushing and congratulating me or getting texts saying "a little birdie told me the good news!"...

Instead, i'm going skiing. Which you'd think, "yeah awesome good for you!". Um, no. If I were pregnant, I wouldn't be skiing.

And then i looked up online what it would have looked like. I was shocked, since I haven't looked reallythis entire time. I only looked at the 5th week mark. The 12th week, it's a full-on little dude. The size of a kidney bean, but still.

I feel like i didn't get rid of it. I feel like the ghost of it lingers around me, haunts me, and it's growing anyway.

I can't think.

I can't breathe.

46 days, and still freaking out.

8:39 pm

Summary: bawled on and off tonight.

Thank God for both Chandler and Joey. Damn i'm an asshole.

Chandler for just being...sigh well the only person who loves me the way he does.

Joey for being just cool about stuff tonight...letting me do my work call without flack.

I love them both in different ways.

Oh but bawled over baby stuff. Everything from it being this weekend that i would tell people i was pregnant...to how developed the baby would be...to Chandler's roommate's kid in a highchair. Seeing that just made me LOSE IT.

44 days - so tired

10:41 pm

so is the end of thanksgiving weekend. .Can't believe 2009 is almost over.

so much for a platonic day with Chandler. And this is where I realize: i can't be platonic withthat boy.

I love him. I love my husband. i don't want to risk another abortion. I had to take 4 birth control pills just now, will take 4 more tomorrow. Eff going through an abortion ever again.

how some people can do multiple ones is beyond me. I would probably shoot myself.

The only time I got emotional today regarding the abortion was when we were watching amovie, and the chick was all saying how she was going to have a baby in 9 months. It killed Hillary Swank to hear it, and it killed me. That should have been ME telling people the good news, getting the congratulations.

Time to stop dwelling on the abortion, and stop kidding myself that i can be friends with Chandler. I love him, so much to a fault, but i can't be with two guys like this. And things are going GOOD with Joey in the grand scheme.

WHY did i have to meet Chandler now???????

43 Days - no babymaking!!!!!

11:05 pm

I'm amazed i finally have a chance to write here. I'm desperately trying to catch up on work so i can have a free day tomorrow. A PLATONIC day with Chandler. Dammit.

Of which, Joey tried to get his mack on this morning, and the convo pretty much went in this sequence:
him: (not doing stuff that would remotely turn me on. It's more like, a little kid seeing a shiny toy but unsure what to do)
me: trying to assess if he's just goofing around or actually wants to do stuff. he does.
me: i ask whether there's a chance of him finishing, since it's morning, vs. at night
him: agrees that at night he's most likely
me: tells him that if we're attempting a baby then i'd rather wait till tonight because then we don't know when there's an "end" (seriously, it's okay if it happens on occasion. When you go years of that, it's just upsetting for me...he doesn't know it's that upsetting, but it really is. and it hurts. there needs to be an "end" gentleman. We don't want it to end TOO soon, at least when it's good, but i'd rather err on the side of too short vs. too long because i'd rather be frustrated than in pain. And not good pain.)

I'm trying to accept that sex with my husband will more often than not, not be enjoyable. And when i say "enjoyable", it's still worse than any mediocre sex with Chandler (which i say "mediocre" just relatively to the norm and awesomeness of the majority of the times). I can learn to forget about that, there's a bigger picture here. But that also means that sex to me is babymaking and that's it. If i think of it as something enjoyable and stress-relieving, then I'll be disappointed 99% of the time and take it out on him which isn't fair. That's why I was so pissed off at the end of last year...I had expectations for sex, which included it being good AND getting a baby, and since that neverhappened (including getting any sperm to even consider a baby) i just started ot associate sex with an unpleasant activity that would take at least 2 hours to result in pain, frustration, and definitely nothing that would give me a baby. And sometimes you just want a quickie. There was never any quickie since he couldn't finish, and how often are you willing to give up a night where 2-3 hours is spent doing something that is not enjoyable? Lemme tell you, when you work full-time and you have a household to run (because at the time Joey was doing barely any chores if any at all), even once a month becomes too often.

But i digress. It's not the mentality i should have now, and i'm working damn effing hard to stop being so bitter about it because it's not helping the situation.

So fast forward to now, i'm stuck doing work, and he says "oh i guess the stuff from this mornign wont' finish, this isn't exactly the way to make a baby". I told him i peed on the little stick and i'm not fertile now anyway (since my period is all whacky as a result of the abortion, i can't even guesstimate). He's like "well how long does it last" and i told him it's just 2 days out of the month, he's like "WHAT? How do people get pregnant???"

So i had to skool him a bit and then told him to just look it up.

Which case, he mentioned that sperm can last inside you for 5-7 days. geezus, for the amount of sex Chandler and I had at times, *I* could have been a sperm donor. But that then makes me wonder again about who the baby daddy would have been. Truthfully, I still would say Chandler, since we didn't exactly go 5-7 days WITHOUT doing stuff.

I can't believe I had to just educate my husband on fertility, when we've been trying at this for 2 years unsuccessfully. Really? you didn't know the window was a small window each month? And that my odds are MUCH less than if i were 22?

It's just so odd...the FIRST TIME EVER that i got careless, I got pregnant. But when i actually wanted and tried to get pregnant, it never happened. But normally when i don't want to get pregnant, my ovary is blocked every which way.

Oh today I got emotional because I heard Plumb - In My Arms

Which has a line about reading fairy tales. I LOST IT. At least, internally, since Joey was around and I had to act cool. I would have one day been reading fairy tales to "it".

and yesterday...imagining birthdays missed...

This is not a pleasant secret to keep.

And why is it that Joey and Chandler are both in effing sync...when they're both assholes, it occurs at the same time, when one is great the other one is great too, which makes it all bad. Sigh. Weaning myself off Chandler is hard. Very hard.

42 days - i have no self control

12:00 pm

got up early, black friday shopping
looking like ass, not showered, still wearing clothes from the night before, had gone to bed at 2am woke up at 4:30 am
Drove over to Chandler's just to snuggle next to him while i could.
I looked nasty. And i just wanted to feel his arms around me.

Right. One thing led to another. Which oh HELL YEAH i'm popping the morninga fter pill no matter how nauseous it makes me. At one point I just laid there crying over the abortion, babies, everything.

I remembered the first time I went on the pill for medical reasons at age 15, i was STOKED. I never dreamed I would end up like this.

A year ago, i had a horrible thanksgiving related ot people pressuring me in public about when i was going to have a baby. I was so upset last year, so hurt, that my husband didn't seem to care and I wanted one so badly.

Fast forward tothis thanksgiving, where Joey finally understands and cares how badly i want one, all the while I'm the one who got rid of the one i had.

GOD at one point my head was resting on his arm, it was outstretched, and for some reason i'm enamored by his arms and hands (they're all strong and manly and crap), i forgot how his hands are so much bigger than mine, and then i just pictured those arms holding his newborn, the image of a baby against the tattoo his has on his inner wrist, and i LOST IT. If there was anyone who would be alpha-male-slash-Papa-Bear-style, it would be Chandler.

I'm tired of crying over the abortion.

I'm tired of feeling like my life is on pause and has no meaning because of the value i've placed my whole life on what "meaning" is.

Attempting to be platonic with Chandler is obviously not an option. Which means i need to really distance myself. It's hard to distance yourself not only from someone who has become one of your best friends, but also the other person** who knows about the thing that torments you. In addition to the eating disorder stuff too.

**Yes, thank the LORD for Rachel as well for knowing, but it's a little different when it's the person who most likely was the father, plus he's actually in this state :P

12:37 pm

I wrote this on a forum and people kept saying how i summed things up perfectly so I'm gonna post here what i wrote:
It's hard because you know logically you made the right decision but that doesn't mean emotionally or even physically you feel that way. You did have the right to make the choice though, for the sake of the other kids. At this point you have to really trust yourself and your decision, which is easier said than done!

That's the very problem. LOGICALLY, i had no other choice. This really was the best decision for everyone, including the baby. But emotionally...total Sophie's Choice. The burden of it weighs on me heavily, even when i'm not always thinking about it.

Unfortunately babies are everywhere, so that doesn't help much.

Trying to snooze at Chandler's this morning, I heard one of his roommate's kids yell "daddy!"...holy crap did I ever lose it. Truthfully I can't be around them, he tries to point out cute things those kids do but I don't want to see a kid. I can't even make eye contact with kids anymore. I can't touch one, and when I see one i have to look away immediately, as if i'm seeing some sort of maimed individual that i know if i look at, i'll stare, and they'll think i'm being rude. So...I act as if children don't exist.

((let the waterworks begin))

Thankfully of my close friends that I associate with all the time, only one has a kid and she never brings him around (I've never met him...long story involving her brother who always hangs out with us too,he has a problem with her son's father blah blah) plus he's a bit older I think, he's 8ish.

I think my cap is around 6-7 years old. After that i don't get so emotional, they're more like little adults. But when you're still at that age when your legs are chubby and you waddle even a little, I lose it.

It's as if they KNOW i did something to "their kind". Like i'm some KKK member walking around town, and black women wouldh ave to shield their kids and say "don't look at the bad lady". Yes, i feel like kids would look at me with THAT level of fear and loathing.

Don't leave your kids around me folks, you never know what i might do.

6:38 pm

Wow...so many t hings can set me off.

Watching Flash Forward, where the lesbian who's "flash forward" was her having an ultrasound, and she's like "wtf i'm not even in a relationship, let alone i don't do guys"...anyway she ends up getting surgery that renders her relatively infertile, and she's bawling...repeating "why am i crying, i didn't even WANT kids"...i was a mess watching that. Girl should win an Emmy for that scene.

41 days - things to be grateful for

10:32 am

It's thanksgiving. Sigh, i still didn't get all my work done, i'll probably just end up doing it tomorrow after Black Friday shopping.

I have GOT to remember that when I watch Glee, pregnancy is a big part of it.

I'm still in awe: i had a BABY with Chandler. WE together had a baby. Realizing who the dad is kind of is blowing my mind. I wonder what that would have been like had i realized it while i was pregnant.

While prepping stuff for today Joey was pouring himself some soda then just started CRYING. I instantly worried that maybe he knew about Chandler (yes i need to start living by the mantra that i need to live as if everything will be front page news). He comes over, tears down his face, and tells me how happy he is. I'm like "what? why are you crying then?"...and he started saying how for thanksgiving I'm still here, and he kept repeating that. I was like "well i was here last year at this time" and he said "yeah but you were one foot out the door".

Seriously, that humbled me. And Chandler said he cried yesterday about how he missed me, how happy he was when we were in the theater, etc.

You'd think a girl would be stoked to have two men be in love with her, but it's quite the opposite. THe stress, the pressure, knowing that you basically control the most vulnerable part of two people isn't pleasant, it's miserable. I want so badly for both of them to be happy. And the selfish part of me loves different parts of each of them. ARGH.

40 days - seems so far away

8:36 am
Why does it seem like it just happened yesterday? I guess i can still say it was only last month. Still, 40 days seems like I should be over it.

Last night Joey said that he's following up with doctors on getting his junk scoped out, and they told him they're going to check with insurance to see how much is covered. I told him I don't care if none of it is covered, we're paying for it. We're paying for whatever it takes.

But then I asked what to do if it turns out he's infertile. He agreed that he wouldn't want some other dude's sperm in me (finally! Years ago he said he was okay with that)...but that he wouldn't want to adopt. My heart sank. I mean, adopting is obviously not ideal...he said he didn't know anyone who was adopted who wasn't weird as a result. I pointed out someone we knew, he said "yeah and look at her..."
me: "she's just high maintenance, but she's not weird"
him: "exactly. she's high maintenance"
me: "that's because she grew up in NY, she's rich, and she's a GIRL!"

Crud i just remembered someone else who was adopted and she was a two-faced biotch...but then again, i also know a trillion non-adopted people who are like that too.

I wonder if having low testosterone for too long is the equivalent of letting a bladder infection go for a woman...after awhile, it spreads, and you become infertile. Could it be that his body just stopped producing what's needed?

And all the while of course, I know having a kid with Chandler is a no-brainer. I just wish he had the rest of his life in order. Which makes me an asshole for saying that, because you're supposed to support your man no matter what.

Well, sadly in the real world with a two income society I guess I'M high maintenance because I need a guy who can shove sh*t aside and take care of business when it comes to providing. I've done it my entire life. And lord knows, i've got ISSUES. But if i can get crap done at the worst of times, then damn right the guy should be able to also.

GOD DON"T CRY AT WORK. I have something due today and i haven't even started.
9:46 pm

Hung out all day with Chandler. What can i say...there's no one else i'd see New Moon with. And to max out my day, i made him drink with me. I drank at least a bottle's worth on a relatively empty stomach and was at most mildly buzzed.

At one point he sat next to me and i thought: We had a child together. HOLY SH*T. Holding his left hand it blew my effing mind....we. had. a. child. There was a mini version of both of us that was in my stomach. HOHLEE CRAPPPP.

Which resulted in me mildly crying on his chest when i went to drop him off.

I'm also still mad...stupid abortion book exercise. I'm mad that he said things would have changed if i had kept the baby. But now he has no motivation. But the very thing that motivates 99% of the world is the FUTURE prospect, not when it happens. You don't get your life in order when you're already having a kid, you ge tyour life in order BEFORE you do. And he said he truthfully doesn't see himself ever having a family, which blows my mind but that's another side note, but that...if you don't see yourself having a family maybe that's because you live your life in such a way that's not conducive to HAVING a family. Maybe you have to get your sh*t in order, THEN the family will arrive. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

ANyway, that is neither here nor there because i vowed to focus on my current family, so....

sigh. this whole thing just sucks donkey balls. plain and simple.

Oh and i'm amazed i havent' lost my job through all of this this year, and i had something due today but i said f*ck it and saw New Moon. I'm tired and pissy and just want to forget who I am.

If anyone cares: unless you're a hardcore Twilight fan, or you're like me and you just wanted an excuse to skip reading New Moon so you can start Eclipse, just wait till it's out on rental. Although Taylor Lautner's abs on the big screen was pretty damn sweet. If you like underage boys.

39 Days Later - be a grownup dammit!

10:47 am

And there it is, Sex on Fire, the first song Chandler ever said reminded him of me. I had never heard it. I can't remember the last time a boy said that a song reminded someone about me.

So i guess that was it for my period, which then means i'm in "start peeing on ovulation sticks every day again!"

As usual i'm in crunch mode with work, which is a killer since I have my review today. I wish i could just say "let me have a do-over, please!".

This has been a year of do-overs for sure. Don't know if each time i did over that i did it any better than the first time.

I'm doing the math on non-mortgage expenses because somehow without Joey's income (we came up a system, and it's pretty separate) i seem to have no cash. But then again, i had a ton of car stuff, $400 in carpet cleaning, and OH YEAH a $400 abortion. And now i need to spend almost $600 on new tires. But without factoring in life insurance for us both and homeowner's insurance, i'm already at $2114. But he spends around $2300 on the mortgage now, so I guess I should shut my piehole.

Sigh, so much for the concept of us maybe one day surviving on one income if we had kids. We have an adjustable-rate mortgage, so far it reset to something do-able but in a year it won't be the case.

If i review my bills from the past few months I can see the pricier nights were when I went out with Chandler 'cause I paid for this stuff. I had started to resent him for it, mostly because we always ended up in a fight and it was like "wtf...i just blew like $70 tonight and you want to be a jerk to me after? Really? How about you be gracious and just say 'thank you' ".

I definitely need a fresh start. 2010 better be better than 2008 and 2009 that's for sure, the worst years of my life minus the year i was engaged but that was my own doing, the anorexia and bulimia fueled mei f you ignore the pun. 2010 has to be a year of change.

Resolutions suck balls, but here's the plan:

2010: get pregnant. Or start the adoption process. There better be PROGRESS. wtf, i'm going to be 33 without a kid? really? I wanted FOUR kids. Now i'll settle for effing ONE.
2010: learn to solve this puzzle game that if i wrote here, people would know who i am.
2010: i will start pursuing my own hobbies instead of dedicating my life to catching up to...life. Reading all the books i say i will, etc.
2010: no more lies, no more deceit, no more cheating, no more sneaky-ass crap. Having to hide myc redit card statements, my cell phone, none of that. Clean living...my life will be an open book to Joey. Which i'm trying to do now.

I was by myself on NYs of 2008-->2009, having left my husband, I chose to spend it with 2 girlfriends instead of Chandler. In hindsight, i don't know if that was a good idea or not. I had already made plans with my girlfriends but i could have easily bailed. I guess I just take it very seriously who I enter a new year with, it sets the precedent for so many things.

This new year's will be my first one with my husband since 2007-->2008. Whydoes this make me emotional? I don't know if i'm happy, or if i'm terrified that it will be the same song and dance.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Amazingly, having an abortion with someone somehow makes you feel closer to them, in a weird way. It's a secret deeper than just of the affair, although it's a dark secret unfortunately. Not a secret i WANT to have, but it happened regardless of what label I put on it.

That abortion has certainly created a new definition of "me", and the scary part is that the only person who knows that new definition is someone I can't and shouldn't be with, and that person isn't my husband. It's kind of like wearing a mask to everyone in the world except one person, but you can't even be with that one person. For as much of our drama I can still say that with Chandler, I was able to stop and breathe.

9:24 pm
live your life as if everything you do and say would be on the cover of tomorrow's news
(per Journey Through Choices' comments)

THAT IS BRILLIANT. And that is going to be my New Year's mantra. I love it. Thank you :)

In other news...

I left work at around 3 because I have this late night status call right now, I was stuck behind a van for "abortionNo.com" or something like that. There were baby/newborn images all over it, and a big header that read something about alternatives to having an abortion. Even when I wasin highschool i always viewed as the PREGNANCY as the problem, not the baby.

Anyway, it really really f*cked me up. Then when I went to the gym thing that i was signing up for the guy was going to give me the schpiel about their kids' club and then was like "oh wait, no kids? No kids? okay ..."

No. I do not have kids. I had one. I sucked it out of me.

38 Days Later - resentment kicks in

8:40 am

Had a weird dream last night. I'll spare you the details but Chandler was in it, but he looked just like an ex-boyfriend. Or maybe the ex-boyfriend was supposed to be chandler. Whatever. It was a bad dream, like most of my dreams since the abortion. Nights where i don't dream at all are best.

Thing is with "breakups" is you go through a phase where you miss the person...then you transition to anger and bitterness. I woke up feeling that way. Bitter over many of the things he said and did to me. Things that any girl with a shred of self-esteem wouldn't have tolerated.

Yesterday i had a pseudo-period. Just a bit of dark brown discharge (lovely to read i'm sure). I had some mild cramping last night. Today, so far, nothing.

5:24 pm

Wow, what a rollercoaster day of emotions.

And now, it ends in depression. Trying not to cry while I sit at my table. Bored. I have my mid-year review tomorrow and i'm freaking out that it's going ot be bad, considering this past year i moved out of my house, moved back into my house, had Chandler drama, got pregnant and had an abortion.

I wish i could articulate the sadness, it's almost work to cry, it just feels....empty.

I feel like i'm trying so hard with my husband, but i still don't enjoy his company or feel a special BOND between us. But i guess that's to be expected, since i'm still pining for Chandler. Hoping that once i get over Chandler, my emotions will work out better iwth Joey. But...he's never been my "best friend"...whereas Chandler has fallen into that category.

But i still do things like text Joey letting him know i love him, that i had fun with him, etc...even though it feels fake.

What is missing in me that i can't just be fucking happy with what i have????????


So I picked up where i left off in one of the workbooks, and the next phase is to assign blame. like in a perfect world we'd say that we're 100% resonsible for our actions, but let's get back to the real world type of thing. And truthfully, i do blame others...

Chandler: I blame you for only caring it seemed for like 3 weeks about condom use. While i know you appreciated that i took the pill, what you said outside my complex the night i told you shows that you did put this all on me, that this was my responsibility.

Joey: I blame you for not taking an active interest about the babymaking stuff. That we said years ago we'd start trying, but you left it up to ME to point out the major flaw in the process. That the pressure was also on me to help you finish, that if you didn't then it was because of something i did wrong. And look at that, the one month i get pregnant, you actually finished that one day, and then i have NO idea who the father is.

The clinic: i blame them for not REQUIRING therapy of some kind before and after. For not giving me a run-though of what would happen. The entire time I was clueless.

The anesthesiologist for what he did to my hand, to where the whole experience became the worst event physically of my entire life.

Myself: for being so sloppy. And reckless. For taking chances despite thinking that I was infertile. For not thinking that it would fuck me up big time if I ever got pregnant. Hell, just the costs associated with it.

37 days later

9:43 am

Finally, no cramping this morning. I was popping pain meds yesterday like they were candy. Then drank a ton at the wedding last night.

Weddings are so hard when you're having an affair and you genuinely love/care for the other guy.
- you think of what a wedding with the other man would be like, what you would say
- you think of your actual wedding day, the things you felt, and how you wish you could tell the bride "life doesn't turn out the way you think it will at this moment"
- you feel guilty to your husband that you're feeling not all warm fuzzies at that moment
- you feel guilty to the other guy because you know he'd love nothing but to marry you

It's not like on my wedding day, which was the happiest day of my life, that I would ever think 6 years later I would have an abortion and not know who the father was. If there was anything I wish I had learned in school, it's that planning is all good in theories, and planning for disasters and illness is another, but there's a whole series of things that will throw your life for a loop and you'll have to learn to deal with it on the fly. In fact, school should have a "adapt on the fly" class.

Fortunately Joey is going out today, and I can finally sit down and do the abortion workbooks. My initial reaction was to see if Chandler would see NEw Moon with me...but it's opening weekend, and the point is to STOP seeing him, not see him more.

Sigh, last night someone had a newborn at the wedding. The whole night was bizarre, the mix of emotions surrounding being at a wedding let alone it was the groom's second marriage which then made me wonder how HE felt about his own wedding day having already gone through it before, the baby thing, having to be social with my husband's ex-coworkers despite not really giving a sh*t, oh the constant 80s tv show theme music which included GI Joe stuff which made me think of Chandler, the guy who had the same last name as my maiden name who pretty much straight up proposed to me and was hitting on me so blatantly that even I had to admit he was (becuase of the religion thing, the ethnic thing, how i was hot, how i looked good in crimson red, how he wanted a girl just like me, blah blah...i only went up to talk to him becuase i wanted to steal his wedding favor) and Joey had to come and bail me out which i don't think has ever happened in our marriage, which THEN made me wonder how if Chandler had been in that boat how he would have reacted...

Hoping i won't be a basketcase today.


Had a few crying breakdowns today, went all cathartic and cleaned big time the two upstairs bathrooms (usually they just get a counter wipedown, this was a full on scrub of the showers, etc).

Started through the workbook again but then Joey came home, i had to scramble to find where to put the workbook, chucked it behind my dresser. Seriously, whoever makes that could make it look more discrete, and seriously remove the stupid-ass flowers on the cover. Something black or chocolate brown would be much more slick.

I had started though a section about assigning blame. That in a perfect world we'd say we were 100% accountable for what happened, but really our emotions kick in and let's tell it for what it is.

And yeah, i do place blame even on the staff at where i got it. And i do place some blame on Chandler, not so much for having the abortion (although i AM pissed from when i told him i was having it, he was lecturing me about well you should have thought of that blah blah...ummm i went a year being on the pill, you went all of 3 weeks on condoms. Own your part dude.) but some of the emotional aftermath within the 24 hours after. The night of it, the next day....i so badly needed from him to just let me BE emotional, to let me BE crying, to let me BE crazy, geezus chr1st in hindsight the hormonal changes that happen to your body during pregnancy are crazy enough let alone when in a snap you suck it out of you and your body doesn't go through the regular event that would cause the hormones to go back down naturally. I needed him to just be cool, for a few days...to put aside his insecurities that iw ould "fade away", that he'd push aside his fears about losing me and just realize how absolutely crazy/nuts/scary/emotional that procedure was for me.

Or maybe that's my own fault (let's put blame back on me here for a moment) for being miss tough and unemotional about things, i know he had no idea that it was this traumatic for me until later.

Sigh, he sent me a text saying "Damn this feeling...i want to die". I don't even know how ot reply, if i should at all. I love him, and if I could split myself in two and marry him tomorrow you know what? I probably would. But at the same time, I can't get all emotional with him because then i'm not focusing on the very point, which is that i truly need to put in the effort in my marriage.

5:47 pm

I'm going to be a big baby here:
I miss Chandler.
I might even miss our drama at this rate.
I miss how great he was when I told him I needed to talk to him about the abortion.
I miss those arms of his, I miss them around me, I miss tracing the outline of his tattoos.
I miss the look he gives me when he kisses me, it's totally a slick player "yeah girl" look, damn he's good.
I miss how his eyes change anywhere from green to pale sky blue to dark royal blue
I miss how he smells. Someone yesterday at the wedding I think was wearing his cologne and i almost melted right then and there.
I miss how he got excited and actually effing LISTENED to stupid stories about my friends and family.
I miss just being silly with him.
I miss how he wears his heart on sleeve. No one on this planet is as honest about his love as this guy, even if I don't say anything back he'll still tell me he loves me and wants to be with me.

And it's my love for him that I can't go running to him every time I hurt about the abortion, or when i simply miss him, I can't keep doing that to him. He's not an effing yo-yo. I hope he nails the interview tomorrow.

10:50 pm

Looking at pics from the wedding, i wish i were good at Photoshop, i'd put in Chandler to see how he'd look next to me when i'm all prettied up.

It's funny looking at pics, people saying how good i look on FB and all that (it's a gorgeous dress and i had a great hair day yesterday, it only took 4 hair products and 2 devices), and i look at the pics "can anyone tell I'm suffering with depression? Can anyone tell that I had an abortion? Do I look like i was with child just 38 days ago?"

I can only think of one night of pics that were taken since i found out i was pregnant, I looked like an effing linebacker. I felt huge. I felt puffy. And now, I'd do anything to feel that again.

36 days later - waking up to bad pain

9:30 am

I had hoped the cramps were just a one-time thing. Woke up this morning to the bad cramps again. I'm starting to freak out: what if every month they're like this now? I mean, what would have happened during the surgery to cause this? I'm just banking on maybe this time there's extra "stuff" maybe still inside of me and after this period it will flush out.

Speaking of, I don't have my period. The blood I saw wasn't it. So that's another concern.

This pain is unreal. I had it at papercut level, but imagine perpetual papercuts all day. Well papercuts actually hurt like a bitch, but it's a deep throbbing pain that's making everything ache.

Last night got buzzed with some friends, I almost blurted to one of my best friends about the abortion. The weight of this secret is unbearable. I almost said it ...and my husband was sitting next to her. Damn.

Let me backtrack that when i got there (early, like the "old" me used to do...since the surgery, i've been such a dawdler and procrastinator that i ended up always being late) my two married friends showed up. Somehow her maybe being pregnant again came up. Then they asked me. Seriously, people need to stop effing asking me about my fertility and pregnancy and all of that.


So after being buzzed going home I stopped off at Chandler's...he had sent me a text about wishing he could hold me for 5 mins. And naturally I let myself think that becuase I was buzzed that was my excuse to give in. No making out, etc, just hugging and light chatting, then i jetted home.

sigh. it's almost 10. and i'm still in bed. That...THAT is not me. It was me in college. It's not me since I grew up and had a house. Just too ambivalent to care about the dirt and crap that needs to be done.

35 days later - just "meh"

9:20 am

My car is in the shop today so i'm working from home, which i wish I had been able to do yesterday. Today i'm pretty numb from it all.

Oh so the thing about my period, I don't know what it was now. Usually when you get your period, the blood is either brown or a deep crimson red (hence crimson wave). This was bright blood, fresh blood, the type that i had right after the surgery. And there wasn't much of it, maybe 3 teaspoons at most. And that was it. I haven't had anything since.

There's been cramping, i don't know if that means that it's pre-period cramping or if it's something else. I'll need to look this up, and i guess i could call the place where i got the surgery but i'm sure they're just going to say "come in if it happens again" or "call if it gets worse". I'm definitely perplexed by it.

I had this notion in my mind that today i'd swing by Chandler's and surprise him so that i could drag him to see New MOon. I won't see it with anyone else. Sadly i dont' care to see it at ALL but i want to read the last 2 books, the book for New Moon was so huge and boring, so i figure the movie should cover just enough so i can start the 3rd one. Apparently the last 2 are amazing.

Then i realized i can't swing by becuase the very reason i'm at home is because i have no car and i have to call into meetings, having Kristen Stewart yelling in the background would be a dead giveaway.


Wow, these cramps are starting to become painful. Not "a anesthesiologist poked a huge needle in the back of my hand" painful, but like...papercut painful. Like "ow, motherf*ck!" painful. Bearable, but not pleasant.

I'm on hold with the clinic right now, i think they want me to come in. I can't, my car is in the shop. And no WAY am i calling Chandler asking him to drive me over (plus i need to be available to pick up my car when it's ready, oh and i have a meeting in 45 mins for work that i need to call into...and that place is awful with appointments, i'm sure i would be there till they close). I guess i just want someone to tell me this mother effing pain is okay.


Every time they put me on hold, i start bawling. Thirty five fucking days, and i'm still having physical symptoms? Are you kidding me? I feel like someone is taking a hammer to the inside of my vagina.

They transferred me to a nurse at the location that i got my surgery at. I'm listening to some sort of 80's-style piano playing (for some reason it's making me think of St. Elmo's Fire).

I rarely take headache/pain pills. When i do, it's because my head is pounding and I need to get through an evening with a smile on my face. I probably take a headache pill once a quarter. So right now i need to find out if it's okay, and if so, what kind (it's not just aspirin i need to avoid, there's something else and i forgot what it was, since I shredded all paperwork from the clinic).

Yes, the only evidence I have from the surgery is:
1 - the tab on my credit card statement (not the best way to cover tracks, but fuck it, if i'm going to suffer i might as well get air miles for it, plus $400 gone from the bank account would raise even MORE flags with my husband)
2 - A teenie scar from where they put that pipe of a needle in my hand
3 - the blue booties. Which i still d ont' know why I kept, that particular shade of blue will forever be Patient X Blue in my mind on the Pantone color chart as far as i'm concerned (it's actually more like a pale version of Microsoft

Just got off the phone with the nurse, i have to admit the regular staff at FPA are a bunch of drones but the nurses are on their a-game. She told me to take 800mg of ibruprofen, wait an hour, and that most likely it's just my period starting, make sure I don't run a fever, and if i want i can go in for a checkup (which i can't, with no car).

For the first time in my LIFE, i just thought the words: I just want my mommy to hold me.

1:58 pm
Cramps are pretty bad, my lower back is killing me from the pressure now as well. Ugh. Thanks for nothing ibuprofen.

You know you have a hard time getting over a boy when you flip through a magazine and see a full page ad for the type of cigarettes he smokes, and despite your incredible loathing of such a nasty disgusting vomit-inducing habit, you still sigh and think how you miss him.

3:45 pm

Pain. Still.

Subsided for maybe half an hour, but i had to go get my car from the dealership (which took forever because i ended up having to get a rental which blows becuase of course it's their bottom-of-the-barrel model) and when the shuttle driver came to get me I had to have my head turned to the window because i was wincing in pain so much. And having to make smalltalk when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die.

And now, I need to shower and get ready to go out for a friend's birthday. I don't feel like driving the stupid little car (i'm short and i can't see over the windshield wipers of a regular car, all short people should drive big cars!), I don't feel like getting this fat body into something cute, I don't feel like having to smile and congratulate anyone, especially my friends who had a baby when *I* was supposed to be having a baby.

It's days like today where I loathe showering, because i'm forced to see myself in teh mirror.

34 days later - getting worse


I woke up this morning to my period.

I haven't had my period since end of August/start Sept.

This has really fucked me up. Been bawling nonstop. At one point I went into the spare room and laid down on the floor, just crying. The room that was meant for a baby. How the previous owners had left us a bottle of champagne for us when we moved in, saying this was where they started their family and good luck to us to the same. How i wish i could just throw EVERYTHING all the crap in that room out if i knew for a second a baby would be in it.

I'm really struggling.

Crying all the way to the dry cleaners this morning, to work, here at my desk. Spilled a whole thing of tea on my keyboard.

When i was puttering in the kitchen this am Joey asked if i was okay, i said "i got my period. I got my hopes up this time** " and he came over, hugged me...what more could he do? **** . I told him I wanted to take the "next step" in fertility stuff, and he said okay.

** yes, the night i had sex with joey was when the bizarro pee stick was a happy face, and i figured if i was "super fertile" like they say you are post-abortion, then maybe i would be pregnant again. And know whothe father was.

**** This i have issues with. 2 years since we said we wanted to try having kids. Granted, on again off again doesn't maybe count, but you grow up your whole life being told how easy it is to get pregnant, 2 years of wanting something is a damn long time. Especiallyw hen you got rid of the very thing you wanted.

Awesome. Just got an email from on of my best friends giving me an age update on all her friends that she's going to be seeing over the holidays. I may very well get sick.

(continued from previous thought) So what can he do? He can be effing proactive. He can act like he cares. He can stop waiting for ME to tell him what to do. He can make an appointment with the urologist and ask for whatever sperm/fertility tests they do. it's nto like he doesn't know this stuff, he was diagnosed with low testosterone ages ago. And how can I not compare to Chandler, if i even hinted about this he'd be all over it, i wouldn't have to ASK, i wouldn't have to tell him what to do, he'd be the one telling me.

Which leads to my next point...i'm now realizing it was Chandler's baby. It had to be. I had more sex with Chandler in even half the time i knew him than with Joey in our entire relationship and marriage combined, let alone that Joey only came once or twice a year. And all those studies show that women's bodies "fight off" the sperm that isn't her partner's...except in this case, it's pretty clear my body was used to Chandler's sperm because that's all it ever saw for the most part. Usually with Joey, he never finished. So when he DID, back in September, that one whole time, i'm going to guess that Chandler's fighting sperm booted out Joey's.

I know this isn't making sense, but that's just because i'm explaining it on depression,exhaustion, and retardedness. I would include a link to the science behind it but i can't exactly do a google search for sex and sperm at work.

When i was driving I was thinking, I'm an asshole. I mean, I married for better or for worse. And you don't leave your husband because he can't make babies. But really, that's not my problem. My problem is that again, i'm the one who's got this on her mind for both of us. He's not doing anything about it. He's not being proactive. This is ripping me apart, this isn't like him not cleaning the windows or something. So let me make this clear. It's not that he's got fertility issues (which is pretty safe to say, since obviously i was just pregnant)...its that he's not DOING anything about them, or has any interest despite the results from ages ago, and is leaving it all to me to orchestrate.

The stress and pressure of being the one in charge of this baby stuff from the past few years is eating away at me again, hell i thought it was bad a year ago at this time...i had no idea. I feel like every day a piece of me is lost, and while i can try to rebuild at this rate the pieces are being lost at a rate that's too fast for me to catch up.

Everything I've ever done in life was to get to this point, where i'm married, have a career, have a house, so that i can have a FAMILY. I'm starting to feel like a jerk to my cats because i'm starting to resent that i'm one of "those" people, who doesn't have kids...i have pets. I love my cats, and i've spent as much on one of them as full-on adoption or fertility treatments, but it's not the same obviously.

We are in pre-Thanksgiving crunch here at work, i've been tasked to help out other projects that are falling behind when i'm already behind on my work, and i just can't function.

I feel like over a decade of a career that i have no interest in was all to prepare for having a family, to do the "right thing", and without that then seriously i might as well just work at Quizno's because having healthcare, a salary, etc is pointless in my eyes at this point. I'm living to work, and nothing else.

I have a "lunch and learn" at noon, if i leave in a bit i can get an hour of crying and wallowing out of my system, freshen up, and come back to work.

I'm such an idiot for having an abortion blog and right now i'm upset that i've got fertility issues in my marriage. And that i'm still reeling from the heartbreak of the loss of the Chandler relationship, especially knowing that it's my fault, he became one of my best friends and the only friend who knew what i was going through from the first day that i met him.

You know what's even more pathetic? Yesterday when I was at Target I went and bought some cute bras/panties/nightie-doodads/etc because i thought if it didn't "take" this past month next month i'll have to really go overtime in trying to get pregnant, and since sex isn't exactly our expertise, i have to step it up. today, with my period here, the thought of all of that makes me nauseous. Maybe i was soiled by Chandler, who would do me fifty times a day even if i didn't shave my legs or shower or wear anything cute.

Joey's fertility issues are not only my responsibility to research, diagnose, find a doctor, etc...it's also 100% up to me to make sure that when sex happens, that there's an "end". Do you know how much fucking pressure that is? especially when your husband can finish easier when he's by himself? But I'm back to before, if i talk about it or anything like that, it's pressure on him.

Yeah, i'm willing to bet at this point that it was Chandler's baby. The reality of that hasn't sunk in, and when it does, i know damn well how i'll be imagining what it would have looked like, what a little family we would have been.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not okay. Like, suicidedly not okay.


so much for going outside and bawling...i dicked around for an hour. And now i need to put on a game face for the next hour.

GOD i hate myself so much right now.

7:30 pm

It's so odd the things that can get me upset.

Watching my soap, there's a surrogate storyline, but that itself isn't what got to me.

First, there was a scene of the non-surrogate future mom going through a baby calendar talking about counting each month...

But i lost it actually regarding a comment regarding a character's abusive childhood.

I didn't grow up in a peaceful household. And in my brain, i still haven't grasped what was and what wasn't my fault. I know as a teen i was awful, but when I think of myself at like say, 8, i picture myself as i am now.

But then I imagined having a baby, having it come out of me, and could I do the same things to that baby? I could spank, sure...but could I grab my kid's hair like my mom's number one move and pull/shake my kid's head around till he/she fell to the ground in automatic response to the pain? Where to this day, my hair being pulled conjures up images EVERY time of that happening.

Could I beat my kid with brushes to the point where they break? Or a cane? Or a horsewhip? (actually the horsewhip wasn't that painful, i mean, relatively...it's just the fact that i'm probably the only person on the planet other than my brother who can say they've had an effing whip used on them).

I don't have a nurturing bone in my body, and i am awkward around babies/children (i'm terrified of breaking them, and they always sense that), but the longing to have my own baby in my arms has got me going insane.

This nightmare just keeps going on and on doesn't it?

33 Days Later - Catching up to my life

12:25 am

Well i'm up super late trying to finish up work that i've slacked off on since the whole abortion crisis. I'm dying to go to sleep, i've eaten like a mother effing pig all day, but if i can crank out the last of my edits in say the next half hour, I think i'll be okay. Not GREAT, but okay.

I'm also hoping to catch up with some friends tomorrow for happy hour. Again, i'm so behind on things...including friendships. There's friends I used to see weekly that I haven't seen since before I found out i was pregnant.

IMed with Chandler for a bit, i'm going tokeep that to a minimum because obviously it's very easy to fall back into traps. But when you hear someone else who feels trapped in their life it sort of helps you realize how retarded you've been with your own life. I've been bitching and moaning the past while when really, i do have options available to me. Hell, i don't need to see a therapist. i need to use that $$ to get a maid so that I can use my free time to do things i enjoy, which is what's depressing me.

Tomorrow (well...today) is a new day. Maybe Day 33 will be the day I turn it all around.

It's so sad that all this New Moon Twilight stuff is making me think of Chandler even more, how I draggedhim to see Twilight with me last December...and now the next one is out...trying so hard to not ask him to make an exception to everything and see it with me. Not that i WANT to see it...but it would feel weird to see it without him.

Part of Day 33 Resolutions (like NY resolutions):
1. I will use my paraffin hand bath regularly. Instead of keeping it in storage. I used to use it all the time. Then i got married. My hands look like an old lady's...and i used to do hand modeling. Strangers would even comment on my hands.

2. I will go back to the gym, even if it means getting up in the AM. Even if it means hiring a personal trainer again.

3. I will do effing work during work hours. Even if that means sleeping in, going to the gym, then going in...there's no point in getting up at 6:30am if you're going to be a zombie until 3pm anyway.

4. I will use my lunch hours to do the workbook stuff. For the book that i have the PDF for, i'm thinking of actually doing all the work online, and then posting my modified PDF here, if it'll help anyone.


I'm so fat.

More crying today, despite trying to be optimistic.

Went to return a pregnancy test today at Target (don't ask), the cashier said "I guess you got a visit from Aunt Flo from the Red lands?"...i was like "uh, what?"...if I wasn't so shocked at the expression she probably would have seen by the look on my face how inappropriate that was, but i just said "oh, no i have some at home already".

Why does it seem like my uterus and fertility have been up for public discussion for years now??????

32 Days Later - it's really been that long?

9:23 am

For some reason I woke up as if it just happened yesterday. My face is puffy, doing my makeup was hard because my skin just looked like I was a balloon, all puffy and swollen.

I also weighed myself, the depression has me at my highest weight since last spring. That's going to stop now for sure.

I want to run away and start over.

On Friday I'm supposed to go to a birthday thing for a couple who were supposed to share childcare with us. Yeah. Their daughter just turned 1. And...here i am, not pregnant, and the general vibe I get from everyone is that it's *my* fault, or something is wrong with MY eggs.

I have a major thing due end of day today, i was supposed to have started it on Friday. I'm always playing catchup with work. But my brain is on babies and the abortion. It's a little bizarre to have a strong biological clock and desire for a baby but then have an abortion. It's like it put the clock on hold, and when it started back up it didn't continue at the same pace, it accelerated.

Sigh, plus there's the "breakup" with Chandler. I feel like i'm not allowed to be upset over it or hurt becuase well, i'm married. Married people don't have breakups, and they don't wallow over the loss of a "boyfriend". I also lost a close, close friend, and that hurts like a bitch.

I feel like the further away it gets from the abortion (32 days?? seriously?) the less rights I have to be upset. Like 32 days later, i should be FINE. Now i know people heal at their own pace blah blah but I don't want to be crying over this years from now.

I can't believe on October 16th I was put under and had surgery. I HAD SURGERY. The last time I was put under for a surgery was my wisdown teeth at...15? 13? at least back then it was my summer, and i just stayed in bed for 2 weeks. Everyone KNEW. Now it's just me and i still shiver at the thought of the pain in my hand, or that my legs were spread for the world to see.

It's at times like this that I wish I did drugs. Damn me for being the poster child for anti-drug use.

Sigh. I just received an evite from an ex-coworker, looking over the invited list there were 2 people, listed next to each other, who have the same name as Chandler. Damn him for having a common name.


Trying so hard to not crack. I have another diary/forum that i write to for eating disorders, a friend wrote me this huge email in relation to a depressing post that i had put (they don't know about the abortion), and she commented how there's something inside mE that's hurting, it's not what's on the outside that's bothering me. Of course. Running away, another job, whatever won't help.

(well, okay the job thing but she pointed out that if i worked at Target i'd be bitter that i'm wasting my education)

Right now i'm seriously doing every trick in the book to not start bawling. I have a meeting in 45 mins, if i can get to just that point then i go to my car and bawl bawl bawl. I dont' know if i've ever had a panic attack but whatever is going on, i can't breathe and i'm about to explode.

I'm in my 30s and I'm still gripping with depression like I did in my teens.


So that PASS workbook came in, now i don't know if i should keep doing the free one i got online or the one i just frickin' paid $25 for. The former one is more professional, the one i paid for is definitely written by someone who's not a writer or a professional by trade. I'll probably do the $25 first only 'cause i dished out $$ for it.

I'm eating some soup, thinking about how starving i am, thinking about how I need to get back into smackdown mode, teetering with the idea that if i go back to weight obsession and starving then I can avoid thinking about all of this.

You know what's weird? I think part of my problem of being around children isn't just the usual "oh i want a baby" thing (like i'm not good enoguh for one, i might break one, or they just know i'm not maternal), but i also feel like maybe...they know. They can sense it. They think in their baby brains "that lady had an abortion but i can't say anything". Okay it's not LOGICAL, but it's kind of like how dogs know when there's an earthquake. I feel like getting too close to a child will result in them wailing and crying with everyone going "what's wrong? why is he crying like that? he's never like this!" .

I want a Toothpaste Genie so I can make everything better.

I'm going to try and sneak a nap in my car for an hour, maybe when i wake up i'll have energy to finish work and stop dwelling.

1:37 pm

Took my nap, most of it was spent with my brain racing. Parked on the way far corner of this complex, you can see the toll road. Remembered the last time I was on the toll road was the morning of the abortion. Chandler took it so we could avoid traffic. he pointed out that you could see my car from it if I parked in my usual spot.

Just looking out at it, it was like an out of body experience. Like i would be able to see me in his car, driving to get it. I remember the track pants I wore, what shirt did I wear? I guess it's a good thing that I don't remember that. Damn,that's funny that I don't remember what i wore. I know I did a purse swap and just had my cross-shoulder one so I could hold a magazine in there.

In hindsight, I would probably bring an iPod as well if I were to offer advice. The sound of other people in the waiting room(s) started to irritate me that day.

Did i wear my pink ralph lauren long sleeve top that day?

Usually I wonder what I would do differently, but I can't say I would have done much differently that day:
1. Bring an ipod.
2. Bring a warmer jacket. I froze by the window.
3. Brought more magazines. I went through mine within 45 mins, and i was there FOREVER.

That's pretty much it. Most sites I visited had advice which was pretty helpful. OH a note to anyone doing it: you'll be wearing a thick nasty pad when you're done. Dont' wear tight stretchy pants. Some girls did, i was like "wtf"...baggy all the way. I sort of wish I had worn jeans becuase I feel more comfy in jeans than in track pants but I do think it presses down too much on your belly. Plus if you bleed through, i'd rather bleed through dark track pants than my comfiest pair of jeans.

Sigh. Chandler posted a new (poem?song? writing? i don't know what you would call it) on his site. When i first read his stuff i couldn't grasp half of what he wrote, now I get the meaning of his words and the stuff that's tongue-in-cheek.

This nightmare needs to end.
5:04 pm

Came home, got a bizarre card addressed to Joey and I in the mail. I can tell my friends' handwriting, and/or they put a return address but this was in bizarre marker writing and a big sticker that said "it's a boy!". Without even thinking i opened it becuase I don' tknow anyone who gave birth recently (thinking it was a birth announcement).

It was a horribly-done invite by Joey's friend who married ((deleted the description, it's just too obvious who she is...let's just say, imagine your mom's worst nightmare. Times that by fifty. That's who he married)). This includes printing corrected text and cutting/gluing the paper over the existing paper.

I lost it. Maybe it's that i'm mad she didn't register at Target instead of Babies R Us (wtf, she's like 20, does she need expensive sh*t?). Or that she already HAS a son. No...it's that MY baby shower should be planned.

I would have had a baby shower. Someone would have gotten a little card in the mail for what was growing inside MY stomach.

31 Days Later - Just blah

9:23 am

Yesterday I just wasn't in the mood to write yesterday.

I did want to finally start the workbook for the abortion stuff, but then Joey came home hours earlier. That'st he problem in my house: there's no privacy. The only rooms we hang out in are hte living room and the bedroom. Well there's nowhere in either spot where someone can't see what you're doing.

Today I'm going to say "fuck it" and clear out those other 2 rooms once and for all. We just have so much fucking crap, and if we were to ever havea baby the kid would have to stya in the garage.

I'm back to my anxiety about maybe never having a kid. What if it was Chandler's earlier? What if Joey is shooting blanks? Would we pay $$ for adoption? Seems unfair, since my eggs aren't broken and i could get sperm for free.

I was doing okay until I went to hang out with some girlfriends in my book club, one girl gave birth a few months ago and it was at her house. It became all baby talk. A close friend of mine after asked me if I was okay with the baby talk (she knew all the problems i had in my marriage about it) and i was like "ohyeah no i feel great, Joey and I only just started trying now since i've moved back home". Vowing to not have another abortin is "trying", right?

You definitely get the feelingt hat you missed your last shot that's for sure.

In other news, and i know i've said this HOW many times...yes, Chandler and I broke it off. It had to be, we were just destructive. It was sad, and I was like "you're manipulative, every time we do this you come up with some sort of threat or blackmail so i'm forced to talk to you again, and that's jacked up". He admitted it, and he also knows his email is blocked from my email account. Sigh, the whole thing is sad...when he was leaving he said "the next time I kiss you will be on a real date" (or "first date", whatever...we once had a convo where i felt gypped because i never had like a "first date" or anything with him, we never even really got to DATE, period). Him saying that melted and broke my heart at the same time. Because I know full well what i got from him taht i dont' have in my marriage.

I just have to focus on what i HAVE, and not what i DON'T have.


Dammit i forgot I had lunch plans today, i was hoping to either just straight up nap in my car or finally start that abortion workbook.

I also forgot my dream last night, it was bizarre (of course) but I remember Chandler being in and out of it, but every time he was around I felt safer.

Damn, I need to get over this obsession.

let me tell you, getting an abortion when you dont' want your insurance to know or it's not covered seriously takes a kick out of your savings. I need to get new tires, i've needed them for months now, the $400 i blew really could help. Plus I have almost $800 in disability insurance bills. Let me tell you...being married does NOT sav eyou money. My disability insurance is $300, Joey's is $500, and we make almost the same amount. Men are expensive. They cost more in insurance and abortion fees.


Suddenly getting really emotional. I'm exhausted but I went after work to Walmart, and i don't know why...maybe someone's cologne that i didn't notice...maybe it was seeing all the baked goods displays...maybe it was passing by this cute "sorority girl" doggie clothing stuff...and wondering: what if I have Joey do a sperm test and it finds out he's shooting blanks, what if i knew for sure it was Chandler's? Do i tell him? Do i want to go down the road of really being able to imagine what the baby would have looked like? The adorable nose, the freckles?

I wonder if I'll forever wonder, I wonder if I'll even remember any of this on June 11th (my expected due date, at least, I think it was...shoot was it June 13th? Not like it would have been an exact timeline, but i know i wrote the date down here on this blog).

I would have been around 9 weeks by now.

And there goes the waterworks. Would I be showing? Hell I already do, i'm so fat from the eating out of depression. ((crying crying)) All the planning, the baby room painting, researching the right stuff, being part of that elusive Mommy Club that i've been ostrasized from (my own doing, not theirs). Why am I crying now? I went awhile now not feeling this bad, why are the feelings still there???

And here I am victimizing myself for my own doing.


10:07 pm

Massive fight with Joey tonight. I'm exhausted now from all the crying. Did a bit of that abortion workbook, bawled again.

Trying to finish up my status reports, i cant stay up to do work. I'm too exhausted. i can't think.

I heard a "pop" sound, the family pop from Yahoo IM, a sudden rush that maybe it was Chandler. No, it wasn't...it was just my brain playing tricks on me.

Right now, I hate my life.

29 Days later - seems so far away

11:10 am

I'm annoyed by everyone and everything today. Chandler is driving me nuts. I wasn't kidding last weekend when I said i was done, but a few manipulative moves and BAM, we're back to where we were again. And granted, what i did on Wed wasn't the smartest move for sure...maybe I thought that getting back to what we're good at would help.

Wrong...and he's wanting more than i can give. I feel so incredibly smothered. If i'm going to take even more than 10 minutes to deal with a problem, it should be with my husband only. NO ONE ELSE in my life has this much trouble with me.

And i resent him saying that he was there for a me the month of my abortion...uhh, i would say he was there for a few hours the day of the abortion, every day leading up to it we fought, and it wasn't until a week later after our Chili's parking lot thing did I turn to him. And yeah he was there because i didn't direct it at him, it was about my pain and that's it. Who's been there for MONTHS when he lost his job, his place, and stuff still got turned on ME????

I can't do this. When are you allowed to just waive the white flag and say i can't do this? I've TRIED. ANd granted, i'll admit i came back to him at times when i shouldn't have. But okay...can we put the stake in the ground now? If you dont' like how i'm treating you, sorry at th is point this is the best i can do. i sure as hell don't like the way you're treating me but now i realize that's my own fault for allowing you have that power. So simple solution: remove teh power.

For a BRIEF moment, he was totally cool. And I fell super hard all over again at that time (the whole few days)...he has no idea how his smothering behaviors (as well as flat out manipulation) destroyed the very thing he says he wants. Or how trying to get from me things that I just can't provide, don't BS me with the "oh as a friend"...really? My friendships are a piece of cake. The level of effor ti've had to put into those friendships is pretty minor, because it comes naturally.

What i CAN say is that it's help rebuild me in a sense, because I'm forming again what I'm okay with and what i'm not. Who i want to be around. What types of values and behaviors i want to be around. What i'll accept and what i won't.

And that also includes forcing s omeone to be with me when HE'S not happy. If my efforts aren't working, then i'm not going to convince him anymore to try and see t hem. He has the right to be unhappy and to want more. Period.

Sigh. Well no bones about it, I love that boy and to not have his love is like taking a meal away from a starving ethiopian after one bite. But it also hurts too much.

In other news, I found a website with South Park quotes, they had a whole section dedicated to abortions. Enjoy.

“Don’t you see governor. I should have the right to have an abortion if I want one...I mean, what right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again I should have thought of that before having sex...then again...I just don’t know.”
-Mrs. Cartman, 202

Doctor: A lot of amazing studies have shown that stem cells might be used to fight cancer and a myriad of other diseases. Right now, a lot of stem cells come from the tissue of aborted fetuses - ah I'm sorry, unwanted children. And if you sign a release, that tissue can go to studies

Ms. Sanders: Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others.

Doctor: The hope is that someday it might.


“Too many people were upset about using aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's too bad, too. We really could have helped a lot of people.”
-Larry, 513

“My best friend in the whole world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's sick right now. He's real sick. He's only eight years old and his doctors don't think he has very long to live. Look, I realize that using the tissue from aborted fetuses for research is a touchy subject, but all I know is that if there's a chance, a chance that stem-cell research could save my best friend's life, well I guess I owe it to him to try and change your minds.”
-Cartman, 513

“Abortion is the ultimate form of cheating! You’re cheating nature itself! Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? Because they get abortions when they’re young! They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college so, whatever, they just cheat! They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life.”

- Cartman, 1205

28 Days Later - well, i feel like a zombie


Last night I was MISERABLE.

Not sure if most people know, but you can use regular birth control as the morning after pill. You just have to take A LOT.

When i moved back home with Joey, i went off BC pills, which i was only taking when i was doing stuff with Chandler. I vowed no longer to do things with him. Yeah well...that didn't work out, and i was constantly taking the "morning after" pill. Eventually, my stomach just couldn't hack it, and i get so so sick that i just needed to lean over and i'd start vomiting bile.

Well 2 days ago I saw Chandler, and while we didn't have sex we did...stuff...(yes. i know. i don't know how to quit him), enough to where my paranoid mind freaked out that was if there was a smidgen of sperm that sneaked it's way in me.

So last night I took 4 BC pills, figuring that i would sleep through the nausea. Oh how wrong I was. I was miserable, got up twice to throw up bile, and definitely couldn't get up for work (and i have an 8am meeting, i'll have to call from home because if i left now, i would miss it). I took 2 Tums smoothies (they're actually really good) to help with all the bile that had come up, but that ended up getting puked up after.

I eventually threw up a decent chunk of bile to where my stomach felt relatively okay, and now it's early morning and i'm having a bowl of chicken noodle soup because i'm starving and everything else seems too harsh.

I definitely can't take the other 4 at 11am like i'm supposed to, i'm debating on just taking 2 (which is what i used to do). I mean, throwing them up defeats the purpose, although i'm pretty sure i didn't throw them up, it had been hours after.

Going to go nap on the couch for 20 minutes before my meeting. Then I'll write ALL ABOUT my happy hour with 3 ex coworkers who are all still nursing.


yes, that is the face of the guy who gave me the abortion. If he were an actor. And wore a suit.

Yesterday I went to happy hour with 3 ex coworkers, all of whom were still nursing. One knew about a lot of the pregnancy/sex problems I was having with Joey, we spent an extra hour outside of our cars chatting about stuff. I completely forgot taht she had a miscarriage that required her to have a D&C. So i said "why did it take 6 months for ((son)) to be conceived after, i thought you're super fertile after?" and she said that she purposely waited like 2 months because apparently the wall can be too thin.

THAT freaked me out. But she was also further along and needed "scraping", apparently there was no scraping needed for me.

I was thinking today how if I'm going to be a new person as a result of all of this, right now it's so "fresh" i'm able to mold who I want to be. Which right now is to just not put up with people playing games or being needy and retarded. I'm in my effing 30s, if people don't want to grow up and get to the point, i'm not catering to that. It's not my job to treat people like they're in highschool and want someone to beg them to tell them something.

And i need to stop a bad habit that has creeped back in, it took me months of work to change this mentality: spinning my wheels and obsessing over things like what i may have said that was stupid, or whether someone acting a certain way one day means they dont' like me. I know what "steps" i have to take to nip that int he bud, and i'll get on it.

OH and i'm excited that the workbook will be in soon, plus i have that other PDF (thank you to whoever posted it), i want to be proactive about all of this.

For some reason I guess i have a newfound zest in life today. Like, time to start making life suck less.

6:38 pm

Leave it to me to have an abortion around the time that our entire country is freaking out this week about abortions and the new health care reform bill. What i don't get is that they keep saying that gov't employees and medicare recipients have not been receiving $ for abortions. But that's not true...a good number of the girls who were there the day I was had theirs covered because they were students and medicare covered it.

Truthfully, while i'm pro-choice and all that (obviously), i'm not saying the entire planet should get abortions whenever they want. Then again, unless you have a psychological disorder, NO ONE would go out of their way to have this happen again. Everyone i know who has had more than 1 abortion went out of their way to use protection and it failed. So...when you use protection and it fails, are you supposed to be SOL?

So here's the way i see it, if I were to make the rules:

1. If you're under the age of 23, abortions are free. Period. It's either I pay $400 for some kid's abortion OR i pay for the welfare for 18 years they will statistically be on.
2. If you're under the age of 23 and you get an abortion, you are REQUIRED to go through a sex-ed class.
3. No matter what your age is, if you've had more than 5 abortions paid by medicare/gov't cash, then you're also getting your tubes tied as well. You don't like that rule? Then save up for your own damn abortions, or stop having sex. Or have the baby.
4. The whole rape/life of mother at risk thing is a no-brainer. Abortions. Period.

It would never fly, but seriously...come ON. You can't believe that because a 16 year old is retarded and especially fertile that she should be responsible for the welfare of a baby. Do you remember what you did at 16? When i was 16, i was worryinga bout college and working 2 jobs. I was on the honor roll. So had i had a kid, not only would I have ended up being at poverty level with min wage jobs, i also would have had to take care of a BABY....should people who can't legally vote or drink be responsible for ANOTHER HUMAN BEING? And this whole thing of "well you can give it away"....right. It's not the baby itself that can f*ck up a life. You think an honor roll kid can easily maintain all of that going through the chaos of being in a hosue where most likely your parents are ripping you every day, where you're probably taunted at school every day, where you can't engage in the usual things your peers are?

Sigh. And back to feeling like I f*cked up my life. And that i'll never, ever have a child again.

And the tears come.

Which is so odd...i was actually relatively happy today. It's this level of perspective that I now have. About doing the right thing.

27 Days - inching further away from that moment

27 Days

2:14 pm
I WAS feeling pretty good today, but all it takes is one crummy email from Chandler out of the blue and again i'm back to the anxiety-filled sensations I usually feel, the very reason that I wasn't happy in our pseudo-relationship. Sigh. I wish he knew: the calm and normal and non-drama he behaves, the more I gravitate to him.

Anyway, it's better in the grand scheme: the more he pulls his passive-aggressive stunts the better I can keep my head on straight. I really wish I could just shake him and tell him he is his #1 self saboteur in all areas of his life.

Tonight i'm going to happy hour with some ex coworkers, ALL of them having given birth recently. It's so hard to be the odd one out. And now, i'm the odd one out because of my own damn fault.

I'm feeling good, but I'm also pretty shaky, so I don't know how long I'll be able to handle them. Sigh.

I'm going to go take a nap. There's no way i'm going to be able to survive anything tonight otherwise.

26 Days Later - the light shines through the clouds


Today was the first time since I found out that I'm pregnant that I actually felt (wait for it...wait for it...) happiness. Just straight up, "yeah. Things are gonna be a-okay!".

I didn't even think about the abortion until 11am.

Of course it had to eventually hit me, during tonight's episode of Glee. For anyone who doesn't watch it, there's a chick who's pregnant and told her boyfriend it's his when really it's his best friend's. And the best friend adores her, and wants to take care of her.

In tonight's episode Quinn was bitching on Finn (the boyfriend) to pay for sonogram tests and he couldn't get a job, whereas Puck (baby daddy) is ambitious and does all sorts of extra things to make bank for her. Finn bitches to Puck about how hard it is to get a job, Puck starts ranting about how he should rob a bank, sell an xbox, do whatever it takes to take care of that baby.

Damn if it didn't remind me of Chandler....i'm the one who told him to sell his xbox when he needed cash, and he told me he'd rob a bank as long as I kept the baby.

So i go into the laundry room after, and really...all day today I was thinking how i LIKE my life with Joey right now. I really do. But in the laundry room i burst into silent tears realizing: i can't remember the last time, if ever, Joey has told me i'm beautiful at any point during sex. Let alone after. There's no cuddling after, which i'm not a cuddler but it's all business that's for sure. It's weird, i thought: if/when i should have a baby with Joey, the father of my child will not have told me that night that i'm hot/gorgeous/beautiful/radiant/anything. At BEST if i'm lucky he'll tell me that i'm hot. But that happens once in a blue moon. He's just not a talker like that.

Whereas I can't remember Chandler ever NOT saying anything about how sexy i am, how beautiful i am, how much i turn him on, etc etc. Full-on gushing, you'd think by now he'd be tired of it but he's not.

It just made me sad. To be with one or the other involves sacrificing. With Joey i'm sacrificing any physical chemistry, and "best friend"-type relationship, and feeling like a partnership in terms of workload. I don't always feel like "the greater good" goes on with us. I am the handyman of the family, and i'm the one who takes pride in maintaining what we have and fixing things around the house (usually what prevents me from doing more is my physical limits, being 5'3 and all the upper body strength of a kitten) Lord knows, I'm sacrificing my sex life for sure. I'm sacrificing feeling like i'm the most beautiful person in his eyes; I still get nervous when a pretty girl is in the room. I've spied on the stuff he would rub one out to, and those girls look nothing like me that's for sure. I'm sacrificing someone being a willing participant in raising kids with any interest in my religion, or any religion for that matter.

Whereas with Chandler, i would get all of the above. I truly think we'd be in a room full of supermodels and not only would he not notice them, he'd probably pick every one apart if he saw me feeling bad about myself. But then the sacrifice is financial stability, and anything above that like trips to Europe (which i haven't done since i was 8 months old, thanks mom and dad for making that trek when i wouldn't remember it) or nice furniture or savings or flippin' expensive vet bills. I'm sacrificing my social world as it is now, which to me is as important as family. I would be sacrificing my in-laws whom i really like as well as the chaos that would ensure i'm sure with my own family.

Do people have it all? I mean, in the grand scheme, do they get most of the things listed above?

I'm back onto wanting to protect the eggs that i DO have, and that makes everything sketchy.

Oh in other news, just for kicks I've been peeing on those fertility sticks again. Since allegedly you're crazy fertile after you have an abortion or give birth. The first time i bought a new box (which is stupid, since i realized i had 2 opened boxes in my bathroom already) i got the smiley face. Yes, i pay extra for the digital kind, i don't f*ck around with that. HA well apparently I do, but in the other sense. So then i got freaked out and thought maybe i was still pregnant or something, because when you are the fertility stick will show the same results. Well then the next day I didn't get the smiley face...so i thought nothing of it.

Then on a whim i tried it again tonight...and there it was. The smiley face again. That means at this rate i'm fertile once a week. That's crazy to me.

Although...I did do stuff with my husband last week (I was trying to NOT, i was definitely not emotionally ready for it but after 3 nights of declining, I realized I wasn't exactly putting in marriage efforts like I said i would after i moved back home. Especially since the last time we did was a night we may or may not have conceived in early September. Which actually, doing it once every 2 months is more frequent than normal that's for sure. That's like bunnies in our sex life.). So now i'm freaking out, what if that means i"m pregnant already? But thats not possible...you're only supposed to be able to tell a few days before you're missed period.

This is effing with my brain, so i'm gonna have to get a pregnancy test. Or just pee on a stick tomorrow and see if the smiley face goes away. Oh how it taunts me.

To be honest, I don't know how I would feel if I got pregnant and this time, knew for sure it was Joey's. I mean, it's what i wanted all along my marriage. But it would seal the door on the one person I have ever felt loved me through every fiber of his being. And that's a whole level of security that I never realized that I wanted or needed: knowing that I'm someone's one and only, and having complete trust in that.