90 Days Later

It's getting hard to keep track of how many days it's been since the abortion, since i'm not writing every day but i'm fudging the dates.

placenta sandwich said...

The counseling thing sort of shocks me. In my training and various jobs it's been the assumed standard of care. I've always known that procedures can vary quite a bit among clinics, but most of the people I've gotten to know in the field who worked at other places seemed to have the same expectations: sure, a lot of women might not need a whole lot of talking before or after, but it's better for a patient to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, so we should do our best to make sure the steps are described, the questions are answered, the aftercare is explained, and the patient has an idea of whether she'll cope well afterward. Blah, it makes me really upset that they didn't give you what you needed.

It was very , very clinical. When i say i felt like Patient X, i wasn't kidding...no one talked to me other than the formalities. Like when i made the phone call it was "okay here's the time slot, here's what you need to bring". Every question I had outside of the norm (mostly about the surgeon's lawsuit), everyone seemed clueless. Most of the women i dealt with were barely older than 27 i would guess, minus the actual medical people themselves (4 of those total, and that includes the surgeon). We were shuttled along like cattle.

In other news, I saw Chandler briefly last night, and damn he looked so good...it was hard to not picture what a baby with him would look like if i knew it was his or not. Damn him and life for not making thing different. Well, mostly him...a lot of things i feel were within his control, and still are.

I don't want to say i'm "over" the abortion, but it's such a distant memory to me. The only time it really gets to me is if i think of some of the sh*tty things Chandler has said to me, or when i imagine the surgery room...the pain in my hand...GOD i can still feel it if i think about it...and having your legs spread open, the door open, legs in stirrups, it was the most humiliating experience of my life, easily.

88 Days Later - no news to report

I don't really have any news to report. I'm not emotional over the abortion at all, baby stuff hasnt' really gotten to me, and Chandler is just being...depressed and "blah". I tried cheering him up yesterady and he gave me a "while it's great that you're happy and your life is going great, i feel like you're rubbing it in my face". Because i sent him a text telling him to smile. That's it.

So, whatever, i put in a bit of effort last night, one last one this morning, i'm not going to let him bring me down. He's a classic psych book right now, and he actually got my hopes up when he said something in his life was going to change on Saturday. Well, so much for that.

the more i think about it, the more i realize how much of the crappy things in his life are his own fault. Getting booted out of the first apt for shooting off hsi mouth, losing his first job definitely because he rubbed that boss lady the wrong way (he knows nothing about the way the corporate world works...if someone is your superior, regardless if you report to them or not, you don't act like an unlikeable dick! It's the same as biting the hand that feeds you). Then losing the next job, again was his fault for spamming Joey with texts about me (which is a whole other issue, that i'm not over and for my own protection, won't be over).

I paid for him to join a sports team with me, and instead of getting chummy with the MEN...he got chummy with the women. It's like he's begging for drama. Why would you do that?! And the whole 'i was raised by women' is such BS. I was raised around 99% men, you don't see me chumming up and only being friends with the guys. It's not appropriate and it just causes problems. Had he chummed up to the guys, then he'd have "ins" for networking purposes, etc. All of those guys are pretty-to-very successful...those are the people he should have created frienships with.


If he wants to struggle his entire life, that's his choice. I'm making 2010 great. Either he can get on board or he can sit and pout. I'm not coddling him anymore.

In other news I realized now that I'm not spending $$ on drinks, food, etc for him and I anymore...i have a lot more disposable cash. so i bought 2 pairs of boots and 3 bras from VS. While it feels good to help others, i'm not gonna lie...being able to splurge guilt-free on stuff for myself feels pretty damn good.

84 Days Later - part 2

10:30 pm

HUGE blowup with Chandler today.

The killer part was that he said I didn't consider his feelings. Now keep in mind, at the time it was like it had NO father. I just couldn't associate it with that.

But that I didn't wrack my brains over this, about raising a baby with him, about his wants/needs in terms of a family...that was such a low blow. I was like "I'm not accepting that...i have a journal that i've written in every day, i KNOW how much i thought of you".

More words...about my arrogance regarding the abortion. Arrogance. I was a disaster. I was disassociated.

The hand. The pain in the hand. The searing horrible hot poker pain in my hand.

He told me the day of the surgery I looked like a little girl curled up in the back of his car. Where was my arrogance then?!

All the times I've cried, beating myself up over it...where was my arrogance?

You think I"m arrogant because i weighed out EVERYONE'S lives, not just your own? What, i'm supposed to consider it FIFTY FIFTY? That is such BS...anyone who has the option of bailing, when it may not even be his, anyone who isn't glued to the "problem" 24/7 does NOT have the same amount of consideration.

Did it cross his mind about THE BABY? What he went through being juggled between parents? About how the baby would ask why there's no pictures of daddy while i'm pregnant? Why we don't talk to his/her grandmother? Why he/she can never learn his/her heritage from anyone but me? How the stress of it all will trickle down to the baby, and the baby would have been the ultimate victim.

Him wanting to keep the baby isn't for the sake of the baby itself...it's because it would have made HIM feel better, it would have added meaning to HIS life. So it's arrogant of me to think that risking a baby's life...and 10 months + a lifetime of mine...for his own needs?

And this is all stuff I never get to say. Being silenced. Being told that I can't write much, but he's allowed to write 4-line IMs. How he wants special treatment...is he the only one going through this pseudo breakup?

The push, push, pushing that he does...and then pulling back...it just plain HURTS.

And now, the things he said today...

You can't have loved someone if you can say those things. And looking back at all the other "meltdowns" he's had (averaging one every 2-3 months), he wanted mulligans on those words too...

He didn't love me.

He loved the IDEA of me.

And that stings so flippin' much, because I thought it was genuine and true. Despite feeling like I wasn't good enough, because he kept getting so angry at the drop of a pin...i tiptoed around him for an entire year (not very good, but i did...in his own words, he's a powder keg. He was like that ALL year, not just today).

If you really do love someone, and you can't make it work...you don't squeeze every last drop. You let them go for THEIR sake. How many times did i try that? Where i was like "holy sh*t, i'm killing me but i'm killing HIM. this has to stop. just end it. Just stop everything".

I'm babbling.

I fell in love with someone and went through everything (and seriously, it was no fucking picnic, which he only remembers in the good times that oh yeah...to quote...i stood by him more than anyone ever has or would)...all for nothing. Because when he gets an idea in his mind, he runs with it, he makes it up and just runs with it.

He is a bull in a china shop, and i was the only one in that china shop last year. I thought i made it out alive. I thought we'd be okay.

Not to say that i'm flawless. That's not what i'm saying. But i can only speak for my side in teh grand scheme.

My heart and head aches.
I hope he's okay tonight. Please please don't let him relapse, or even get drunk and do something stupid. Please just let him be safe. And not hurting like this.

84 Days Later - PASS Workbook Section 1

10:38 am

Soit's impossible to hand-write my workbook stuff becuase i type much faster, my hand doesn't cramp up, and it's not like "oh whatcha writing there?" for others to see.

Step 3: Make a list of EVERYONE who was involved with you:
a) getting pregnant
b)deciding to have the abortion
c)participating int he abortion

Joey - 18% - for rarely wanting sex, for making me uncomfortable about sex or making me feel bad about myself, for not being proactive about HIS "abilities", for putting the onus of everything on me not realizing that people view ME like i'm the broken on, and wanting to just feel GOOD about myself, which lead to the affair. For making me unsure if he's even able to have kids because he didn't care to find out, so i never could even guess if it was his. For being so clueless that his wife had an abortion.
Chandler - 18% - for not even being a possible father option, his emotional and financial states were just too jacked up. For the horrible things he said that he can't take back. For being delusional into thinking that he could help raise it (really? you'd rob a bank? that was your solution?). For fighting with me every day until that point, for fighting with me a few hours after because HE was insecure that i was then going to leave him.
FPA clinic - 4% - for not having counselors available before and after. For $400, damn right you can take a few mins for that.
Me - 25% - obviously.
Friends/Social Circle/Family - 15% - for being so rigid and close-minded, for making it so that there's no way i could ever be with any of them if i got pregnant and it turned out to be someone else's. Very few would have stood by me.
The doctor - 3% - just for his lawsuit online and freaking me the eff out.
The anesthesiologist - 17% - for making the whole thing "real", for the incredible physical pain, for not answering me, for making something really bad turn into a complete nightmare.

Step 4 - assign an anger number and write a letter to that person about it.

(to be continued)

82 Days Later - tired

2:38 pm
I'm super tired again lately. Is it the stress from the breakup with Chandler? The stress from focusing on my marriage?
I started to freak out wondering if i was this tired when i was pregnant before, i.e. am i pregnant now...which if i was, i doubt the excessive amount of Cipro and Diflucan would make my eggs viable this month.

81 Days Later - maybe i can stop counting


So today I don't have much to report emotion-wise, although yesterday I was a basket of nerves. All it takes is a few prodding questions from Chandler and i'm a mess, i was bawling the way home from work.

I went to the doctor and discussed my hair loss and stuff, she took a boatload of blood samples and a thyroid ultrasound. What's funny is how often i'm asked "and you havent' had any kids?"...no, i had a fetus, but no kid.

And then everyone says it's stress, and i tell them "my life isn't stressful, this is just regular LIFE. My job isn't stressful, i veg out and watch tv all the time, blah blah". But deep down, I know the stress..the abortion was huge, let alone juggling 2 relationships.

I had my pap smear and the chick comments on how there's still yeast from my YI (gross, i know...i haven't had a YI in years), and i look at her swap and it's covered in blood. I immediately freak out, thinking ti's something to do with the abortion, like maybe i didn't heal properly, but she told me that it's fine, she used a "brush" and it scrapes (hate that word now) and can sometimes cause a bit of bleeding.

She had no idea about the abortion, and i'm keeping it that way.

Before the abortion I worked out pretty regularly, i haven't done much since. I went last night with a friend but we talked the whole time. So i'm trying to make it a point to get over the intial "hump" of working out (where you feel like a flabby weakling), it's very daunting though...getting back to the regular routine of life.


A friend was leaving the country, had a going away shindig for her. She said to me not to get pregnant while she's gone.

80 Days Later - why are men such little bitches?


Let's see, so far today Chandler has had two hissy fits which included his usual "later" comments as he leaves IM (which is so retarded, because he usually gets back on within a minute, so doing so is basically just his version of giving the middle finger). Dude needs a lesson in effing manners.

And all of this just triggers memories of unresolved fights past, and why even if I were single, it would never work.

I'm feeling good about 2010. I really am. It took a long while to get to this point, but having a new year and a new decade allow for a clean slate.

The pain does eventually go down. Not completely...but a good chunk

79 Days Later - cried again


Things are just weird with Chandler, what with this "take it down a notch sort of friendship get over each other" crap.

TLC had all sorts of sex tv shows a few days ago that i recorded, I was watching one called "STrange Sex", about sexual disorders. Thought it would be about some freaky-ass stuff (which it was) until one condition came up where a chick was allergic to her husband's sperm (man that would SUCK). Anyway, they were talking about wanting a child and what not...i burst out in tears.

I wish i could pinpoint why. Maybe it was because I felt so bad for them, and I've BEEN there, i understand the frustration of not understanding what's going on in your sex life. Or maybe it's that I turn into the comparisons, of Joey as a father vs. Chandler as the father.

78 Days Later - interesting thought

4:53 pm

Interesting thing I read, how like 15% of all children born are through affairs (known mostly by guys who demand paternity tests 'cause they don't want to pay child support, etc, so factor that into the math if you will), but the number of children CONCEIVED through affairs is higher...but a woman is more likely to have an abortion if she had an affair and gets pregnant.

Gee, you think?

76 Days Later - NYE

6:05 pm

Real quick, Chandler's texts:

"Everything will be as its meant to be. And no matter what you r and ALWAYS will be the love of my life. U r perfect right now...perfect"

"I mean those words with all of my heart...you are the most special person to ever enter my life. And you ARE BEAUTIFUL".

Friend bucket, friend bucket, friend bucket...

75 Days Later - newz

really? I had to hear about someone else being pregnant...AGAIN?

This girl in particular is adorable, teenie, funny, liked by EVERYONE and possibly the coolest girl on the planet. The only girl I know with a ton of tattoos but they're cute and they suit her, they're not tacky.

She already was the most gorgeous pregnant girl the first time...and now she's pregnant again.

I feel like the biggest loser alive.

74 Days Later - year is wrapping up


"Working" from home today. I always look forward to the holidays so that I can get my crap done, but somehow I never get as much done as I wish.

Time...I never seem to have time....

Last night, had sex with Joey...sigh. That was a huge problem after we got married, and I tried everything i could...we are just straight up not compatible in that way. Right down to one time he made a comment about how i'm getting older and it's not his fault I have a high sex drive, and was I ever raped as a kid because why do I like it so rough etc...now it's where I have to watch my teeth, my nails, my noise levels, how hard i pull him in, etc...basically anything that shows any sign of passion on my part, i need to not do. I feel like there's so much restraint on my part that i'm just waiting for it to be over.

I had joined all sorts of forums, about when a spouse has a high sex drive vs. the other, and the strain it puts, and usually it's the GUY who bitches...so when it's the wife, it's even harder. I guess because we're supposed to be used to the pressure of someone wanting it, not us. Blah. You think it's "just sex" and down the road, what will matter...like when i'm 60, sex probably won't matter. Well...that's 30 years away. And at the time i was married, that was 35 years away. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that important because of the future (I worry more about the future than the present, however the present in my world never meets the future. It's always worrying about tomorrow, not today. Maybe that's the cache of affairs...it's the only time you live in the "now").

Blah. What's my point? Just that it rings my head that if the sex is great in a marriage, it's the least of the problems...if the sex is horrible/whatever, then it becomes a HUGE problem in the marriage.

2010. Figure it out bitch.

7:08 pm

Today one of my best friend's told me she had a dream about me. That i was pregnant. But I wasn't concerned about the fact i was going to have a baby, because I had to run off to see a guy i was having an affair with.

She gave much more detail (which i'm avoiding posting here in the odd chance she should ever come across t his site) but it was straight up as if I were pregnant now...the timeline, etc, it was so freaky. And no, she definitely doesn't know.

I'm wondering if next year around the time of my expected due date, if i'll remember it. It'll be around June 11th.

73 Days Later - Christmas is over, finally.


I don't even know what to write.

It's still odd the things that can trigger me. Visiting inlaws, etc, that was all good. Even when I drove by a ghetto "choose life" poster sign while driving back yesterday,i was completely fine and reacted as i would have before.

But then today, getting a pedicure reading some Good Housekeeping or whatever magazine there was an article about the "right" number of children for a family (it was just a profile of different families ranging from 1 to like 8 kids and why they ended up that way). There was one who had "0" kids but that was retarded...she had 1, he had 3, all from previous relationships, just that they can't have kids TOGETHER. WTF. That counted as 0?

I was shocked that people with absolutely no offspring weren't represented...and it just made me so incredibly sad, and terrified of my future, i sat there trying not to crack in that chair.

On a relationship note:
Things with Joey are relatively good, although I finally broached the subject that he has to apologize to my mom. That initially didn't go well, but geezus all i'm asking him to do is send an email saying "hey, hope your trip here was good, sorry if i was a little cranky there I was dealing wtih some laptop issues". He felt there was no need since at the end it was good, but i was like "you apologized to me at the end...what's the difference?".
The other thing was that during our trip, one night when he had drank a bit he was snoring so effing loud I had to move to the other bed in the hotel room close to the heater and pray the heater sound would drown it out. It didn't. I was up till 4am reading a book because i couldn't sleep. Then i cracked down and started crying...why? Because i was tired...because I longed to be with Chandler...because despite things going well, i'm not exactly overly happy...and as usual, sex is so-so...

Things with Chandler: slowly repatching after last weekend, I'm not quick to forgive but I don't want to go around with a grudge. He was really good when I FINALLY got to speak and tell him how i was hurt about stuff...and he's been finallyfocusing on getting himself better and turning his life around, and pretty much letting me go.


Sigh. Who am I kidding.

Let me get all retarded giddy Twilight teenager on you if you will, re: Chander:
And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

2 weeks ago he said something to me during whatever drama, that while I love both of them, you can only be IN love with one, and he doesn't think i'm IN LOVE with my husband.

This struck me, and I normallyfight and scoff at everything he says. however...he's right. That jackass is completely right. I love my husband. I cherish him, the thought of him hurting destroys me. And we have a huge investment in our lives..our house, our stuff, our friends, our families.

But if he were to decide he no longer loved me, and it didn't hurt him at all and he was HAPPIER as a result...i think I would feel relief.

I realized if I could snap my fingers and make me long/lust/love him the way i love Chandler, life would be perfect.

WHY can't Chandler have his sh*t together?!

The lifestyle stuff aside, i think we really would make a great team. I think most of our crap has been from the situation. I read somewhere that if like 6 months after an affair you're still digging it, then you can consider it seriously...I think at this point, 1.5 years into it...this isn't a fling and i've tried so many times to get over him.

I'm going to stand by my desire to work through things with my husband. But no way around it...I am crazy head over heels crying-missing-him-wishing-we-were-always-together-never-get-tired-of-each-other in love with that boy.

It doesn't help that tried with Joey tonight stuff...he couldn't finish...lovely, since that was the positive sign day of the ovulation stick thing...i know, why am i trying for a child with someone i'm not in love with...because he's my husband, because it's stable, because it's just EASIER, because my biological clock combined with the abortion has me seeing things in a way that's best for the child and not what's selfish for me, hurting everyone else around me.

Damn...Chandler can finish like 4 times a day without thinking twice...and they're both roughly the same age.

68 Days - held a baby

10:56 pm

Tonight did a double date, Joey and I with two new friends, a married couple who had a baby a few months ago.

At one point she had to do something so she just tossed the baby my way (naturally...everyone wants to hold a baby right?! GOD i hope that if i should be blessed enough to be pregnant again that I won't do the things that people have done to me...geezus what if I had a miscarriage!?).

I expected the baby to get fussy and cry, she was shy of 5 months. She sat on my lap, didn't cry, didn't fuss. Just chilled out. The past few years I always felt like babies knew how badly/desperately I wanted one of my own and i gave off a weird vibe. I thought I would give off an even worse vibe, the kind that toddlers and small children have noticed

I'm so effing annoyed, welcome to the world of marriage, NO time alone, Joey just came upstairs, so naturally I can't flippin' unload how i'm feeling. Seriously when do I get time to be FUCKING ALONE?!

67 days later - raw raw raw

1:25 pm

I always forget people read this. Thanks for all the kind words folks. I don't know what to do. I just want to do RIGHT by people. I feel like a stupid idiot going back for more, although a huge beef has been his threatening to come over to my HOUSE...which is huge, for obvious reasons, but also...dude, you're in this WITH me. I have TRIED to cut this situation loose and in an entire year, only 2x has it been because of me that we're still talking, and one time was shortly after the abortion so give me a break.

I take issue with other people trying to play God with other people's lives. It is not for you to be my moral police, especially when you're partially responsible.

I'm really pissed at some of the events again last night. That makes Fri-Mon a "damn you're a dumping ground aren't you" mode for me. His words last night...i lost it big time, and after he slammed my door and walked off and called me names i finally yelled athim to f*ck off (if you knew me, you'd know that that's not in my nature to do).


I wish I could go back in time.....damn that abortion. Damn everything surrounding it.

66 days later - The unforgiven

5:13 pm

Some crap with Chandler still...from the weekend...stuff that rings in my ears related to the abortion...i won't go into too much detail, but let's just say him screaming at me on the street and the use of the words "scrape" it plenty for you to get the idea.

And while he's sorry,a nd while he started therapy, i can't be around for it.

Really, my heart has broken a million times before but this was different...this was the "friend" glass, the onet hat despite our not being together romantically at least there was respect and understanding and just all-around caring. This glass was shattered hard and violently (metaphorically).


What the FUCK is wrong with me.

When i extend the last of my olive branches...it leaves with me getting more name calling.

He's on his own destructive path.

I did however say how it hurts, he feels like i was trying to remove the little version of him from inside me...I don't exactly get to impress upon him how it's not like that, etc...since i get 1/2 a sentence...

GOD i wish I were a lesbian. Men are more drama than women any day. I'm sick of having to be the strong one. Why aren't we the ones ruling the planet?

64 days later - emotions abound


Some emotional sh*t going on...

Stuff that makes me lose trust...but also made me realize that 100% of the Chandler stuff is on me. ANd that's hard. Hard not only because of the depth of what i feel for him, and the alternate universe, but also because i feel like i've been stringing him along when i thought we were on the same page.

The abortion stuff came up, and he said some sh*tty sh*tty stuff...things that will echo in my ear for a long time...

While men may think that they have it rough, they have no idea the emotional crap of being the one undergoing it. It's not even the afterstuff that is so bad, but the process itself is what makes it so horrific. The image of my legs, the room, the light, the doctor, the incredible searing pain in my hand, no one answering me when i kept wailing "what about my hand?! My hand! It hurts!"...them ignoring me...

I was a number, i was just one of a billion.

I searched my hand today, the scar from where they dinged me is totally gone. That was the last visible scar I had from that day.

I just want peace with everything. I want things to just work out the way they should.

If things work out with my marriage, and we're actually HAPPY...i will be so, so stoked. I just never give it a true shot. For as long as I'm talking to Chandler, I'm not making the effort with my marriage. And i truly do see that Joey is making an effort. The stuff with my family is one thing...but he's making efforts that he wasn't before.

Am I not allowed to have that?



Why couldn't I have met Chandler in another lifetime.
One where we could have had our child, assuming it was his (i'm not 100% sure obviously)
Sigh, he makes me feel like an absolute princess when things are good.

It's been over a decade since I had to stop being in love with someone...i don't know where to begin. Especially when damn, seeing him like tonight...the red of the tears surrounding the pale blue of his eyes making me crumble...

I wish I could remember why I told him I was pregnant. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't.

Someone posted on Facebook a picture of me from when i was pregnant, i have anotehr picture from that night but I hadn't seen this one. Someone is pouring a bottle of wine for me in the pic, and I remember even thinking that night "i'm pregnant and I'm drinking". Even though I knew I was having the abortion, it still felt weird like some sort of social services folks were going to rush up and arrest me.

In that picture, I look aged...i have crows feet in them with my fake plastered smile...all my pictures around that time were fake. I didn't feel comfortable in my skin, even worse than I do normally, it was such a weird feeling.

I felt like my body was being hijacked, there was a takeover. The pregnancy didn't feel good or right.

But then I remember the morning when all pregnancy symptoms disappeared, a few days after the surgery, and then I felt SUPER weird.

I just hope that my desire for a family isn't blinding me from what is going on with Joey...i AM happy...for the most part...just the stuff as of late is really making me wonder...it's a mix of things going crazy well with Chandler and Joey being a complete asshole to my family.

SIGH. I long to snap my fingers and make it all better. Somehow. Make Joey happy. Make Chandler happy. The both of them...they deserve love. They have BOTH wronged me, and i ahve resentment towards both, but in the grand scheme, they both deserve love and happiness.

63 days later - period finally ending


FINALLY. Period is reaching the end. It was like i had been stabbed.

When my family leaves on Sunday, it's full-on back to the gym to de-stress. Holidays and babies are bad bad bad. Back to the abortion workbooks too.


A friend of mine told me this today, knowing how badly I want a baby (one where i know who the father is!):

Well, yes, you gotta stay positive (although I know that can be hard). When I congratulated Janice she e-mailed me back and said that it took her two solid years of trying to get pregnant. Sometimes it can help to know that a lot of other people have a hard time with this stuff too; you’re not in it alone. But sometimes that doesn’t help at all, especially when you don’t really want to feel better, you just want it to happen. You will have a baby though Monica. You will. You want one so badly and it will happen for you – someway, somehow.

That last line has me sitting here trying desperately hard not to vomit in my seat.

62 Days Later - tales from last night

9:23 am

So last night my work had this children's christmas party thing. I helped out last year with the "photos with Santa" part, so theysigned me up again despite that i've got work conference stuff as well as family in town...i could have bailed, but I just didn't care and by then it was too late to back out.

Okay confession, i saw Chandler at lunch and I mentioned to him that hmm, maybe it wouldn't be ag ood idea to do this...be around small children in masses like this while i havent' even worked through the abortion workbook because of the family visit and all. He offered to come out (it was family/friends/whatever) but i was like "no no it's okay"

When i got there, i was overwhelmed. Plus i did indeed need help. So i called him, and he drove over. Not that he was able to do that much for me, i had the system of printing, putting in frames, dealing with crowds, all down to a quick science and there was a moment of awkwardness with one coworker who is very chatty and I didn't get much of a chance to stress he was a FRIEND, not my husband or anything, and I had to make SURE he saw us leaving in separate cars. Even though afterwords I took him out for a quick drink which brought me home around 10pm, i went straight to bed and then woke up at 5:30 for a meeting. But i digress.


So when I got to the holiday thing, just seeing people I worked with and their babies...two women who were pregnant when i started and their kids old enough to be in cute little outfits, etc...for some reason, seeing one guy I work with in particular...i don't know why. Something about seeing HIM with his little girl...it was hard as hell.

Then i was just thinking about how if I were pregnant, i probably wouldn't even be stuck sitting doing tha tjob, or maybe I would nad people's wives would gush over my pregnancy (would i be showing that much? I have no idea). Or how in a year I would be the one taking pics of our family with "santa", despite my loathing of Christmas.

So when it wa all done I told Chandler to grab a drink with me, and when we parked he saw me crying...he rushed over to my car, threw open the door, gave me a big hug...he's like "that was your game face? Holy. i thought you were just feeling awkward 'cause it was a work thing. I didn't know it was like that for you". Yes...I spent 2 hours smiling and being phony.

Damn that boy. Damn him for coming into my life when he did. Sigh and damn him for not having his sh*t together.

I got home, and a book I had ordered came in, i wish I oculd put the title here but that's another thing i'm afraid might give me away (Joey would recognize the title), anyway it had a section about pregnancy and infidelity. The gist of it is...if you sleep with your husband a ton one month but have ONE one night stand, you are most likely going to get pregnant from the one night stand because your body chose the affair when you were at your peak fertility, when you were that turned on, whereas your everyday "boring" lover/boyfriend/husband you just did the deed but not when you were THAT turned on...which was reserved for the affair. I'm not fully explaining it right, but basically your body knows when it's fertile and it will get you pregnant when you're at your peak with the person your body thinks is the best viable father, regardless if you're aware of it or not.

It's effing fascinating stuff.

And there it is...

I spend all day mixed between fighting to get over Chandler vs. realizing, holy sh*t i love that boy like there's no tomorrow, like warm fuzzy crap...then i find out that something i said last night upset him, and then somehow it got into stuff, and he's getting emotional, i'm hiding that i'm getting emotional, and then ihad to jet.

I sent him some texts saying i was wrong (i was...kinda...not going to go into some other stuff, in the grand scheme of "pick your battles" it would have been more beneficial to just stop trying to explain my side, my viewpoint, what i meant, or even to try and make him feel better...i should have just said "you're right, i can see why that would bug you, i'm sorry" but therein lies a problem, the "sorry" part...lord help anyone who says sorry to him, you'll get ripped a new one every time), and while he's cool with stuff now, why am i still shaking?

I hate admitting that i'm still in love with him, i hate that i've thought about him Edward/Bella style since i met him a year and a half ago, i hate that i imagine an alternate universe where we're husband and wife and all that crap. I hate that he makes me feel like the only woman alive, and that my weight doesnt' matter, I hate that even without makeup he can look at me like i'm miss america.

grr. men.

10:38 pm

What do you do when you love two men?

What do you do when you get so deep into this mess, you find yourself on an operating table, giving up the one thing that you so badly wanted.

Your heart aches on all counts because with either of them, you're not getting what you truly want. But...if I gave, truly gave, 100% of myself to either, would I then get what i want?

Sigh, i tried it with Joey, in the past...but I still have so much with Chandler that I want to shake and scream and say "wtf dude...FIX THIS...."...but what's his incentive? Sigh.

Damn my husband for being "just enough" that I can't leave him, and damn Chandler for being too much to make me be able to leave as well.

61 Days Later - Like a dam burst


My period started. It was like a dam burst. Or a pipe burst. At this rate tampons are just serving as plugs 'causae when i go to change them, so much gushes out it's like i've been stabbed. And i don't care if it's TMI, when you have an abortion blog that goes with the territory.

3:15 pm

So...I invited Chandler to come to my work to meet me for lunch...damn when he's a doll, he's a complete doll. I do know though that when my family leaves and I can get back to the abortion workbook stuff, a lot of the anger in me will come back out again.

Anyway, we were talking about weight and stuff, and he was basically saying that i looked great with some extra pounds on me back in October. He said it as "Well, you know the weight you were when you were pregnant, i thought you looked great etc etc"...and I was like "whoa. it's weird to hear someone say 'when you were pregnant'"....

I mean, in my brain i think "abortion" more than "pregnant", but to HEAR it...it really makes it real. Like holy sh*t...

When i hear "pregnant" i think of my mom, i think of grownup things, i think of the type of person who gets the pink parking spots at Gelson's, that people give up their bench for so she can sit, who everyone gushes and oohhhs and ahhhs over.

Basically I feel probably like one of thsoe people who had a big fat 401k and house and are now delivering pizzas. I feel like a loser...i HAD it...and i screwed it up.

Again, to repeat, keeping it wasn't an option. It wasn't mine to keep. At least, that's what i told myself at the time. It was a little dude renting out space in my stomach. I didn't talk to it, it didn't talk to me, we kept to our own rooms and that was it. Until little dude got evicted without notice.

Thank God i did it even slightly before the 5week mark (where they had to fudge it just so i could get the surgery)...otherwise i'd start freaking out about it maybe hurting. Which is stupid...i never subscribed to that, it's not like it was a full on person and all that...but that something inside of me felt a split second of excruciating pain...geezus i'm in a work thing right now and i'm finding myself needing to breathe into a paper bag.

In other news, someone tried to hack into this Google account.

Why do i keep hearing the "when you were pregnant" ringing in my head?

In a weird way, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I was definitely a different person back then.

There are some key moments everyone has the defines who they are...some of them i can't list without it being obvious who i am, but a few are:
- when an ex-boyfriend put me in a highrisk situation, that when i was safe I was so effing grateful to no longer be a part of his ghetto scary druggie world
- when i got laid off for the first time from a "real" grownup job, i made some professional work rules and i've stuck by them ever since
- the day i got engaged

And now...the day I had an abortion.

I guess it's even more pivotal because I fell asleep being That Girl...and I woke up to become This Girl. I wasn't even awake for the transformation.

4:23 pm

I was on those Passboards or whatever, just perusing around...came across a chick's story...i really don't GET people who name their fetuses. No way in hell am i naming it...i don't even know if it was a boy or a girl, i don't know...it just seems bizarre to me. It's not like giving up a puppy. When it comes to naming it, i get very clinical and logical about.

But in this chick's case, she named her aborted fetus/baby/whatever as Chandler's real name (what...you thought that was his real name? :P) Somehow seeing that name, in relation to an abortion...if i were to ever name my kid that (obviously it would follow with "Junior"), I couldn't IMAGINE aborting it...i don't know...i wish I could explain the feelings of seeing that. Joey's name in real life is unique so no one would use that name, but I adore Chandler's real name and just knowing someone aborted a child that WOULD have been another him out there...

I don't know why this is blowing my mind.

60 Days Later - bad bad cramps again


The pseudo period i got is resulting in nothing but cramps. No blood (i got all of like, 1/4 of a teaspoon yesterday at best,now it's all done), just cramps. Similar to the day i had the surgery. Like the ones i had last month...when I called the place where i had the surgery to freak out.

Lovely. I now get monthly reminders in the form of pain to remind me that I had an abortion.

Twice this week I've had some professional ask me about my babymaking status. My optometrist and yesterday, my dentist. What if i was infertile? Geezus chr1st stop asking me people. What if I just had a miscarriage?

I'll cut them some slack because they're men. But really...people...please stop. Just stop.

The whole thing still gets me upset. That i sucked out of me the very thing that I would kill to have (ironically). I'm at work in a room full of people right now and i STILL have to fight the tears that are welling up.

This demon was quite the loud disturbing house guest when he first moved in. Now he has settled in nicely into his position and has taken a permanent role in tormenting me. How do you exorcise this type of demon?


I caved and took the 800mg of Ibuprofen as per the abortion clinic's recommendation last month. It's not even the pain itself, but combined with knowing WHY i have the pain, it's making me miserable. Plus it feels like my uterus is about to fall out of my body, no joke.

I made my annual girly exam checkup appointment, early January...no WAY am i gonna tell her about the abortion. The less people that know, the better. And the less "real" it makes it...sigh.

The stress of my life from the past 2 years (marital woes, plus the abortion, and new job stuff) my hair has thinned like crazy. It's gotten me REALLY upset because...well...i'm vain. I don't think i'm attractive or hot or anything, but my appearance in terms of youthfulness MATTERS. It was starting to get thick again but then the abortion thing made it all go to hell in a handbasket. I asked my mom about her hair, thinking maybe it was hereditary, and she said she didn't start thinning out a bit till she was 40. Then she's been all "that's just SO ODD usually it thins out after you have a baby..." and all t he research I read online said the same thing.

Yeah so odd...i didn't have a baby but I seem to have all the other symptoms and crap that go along with it. AWESOME.


Holy sh*t.

My period came out of me like a dam bursting. I had on a pantyliner (just in case...it's not like it's normal for me to have NO period or just the 1/4 teaspoon), it soaked through that, through my underwear, a bit through my jeans (yay for dark jeans). Now it's like it won't stop. I can't begin to express the amount that has come out of me so far. It's like my body has all this pent-up blood.

Maybe now my period will go back to normal and I won't still get cramps.

I did more online estimating of when my due date would be. I mean, depending on what website you go to, i get different dates. Plus if you go from the date of my last period before the pregnancy vs. how far along they said i was...it's basically between June 7th and June 14th, which before the abortion i estimated it at June 11th, so now we have the full range. I wonder if I could have asked them what it would have been.

I wonder if they would have known, their little ultrasound machine doodad.
I wonder if they would have told me.
I wonder if I would have asked if the thought had crossed my mind.
I wonder if I would be any more tormented than I am already.

59 Days Later - finally writing again

11:17 am

I can't begin to explain the crappiness that is my marriage right now. Really, things were going good. And then the ONE thing i asked, which was to be nice to my family, he didn't do. The final straw was when he snapped at ME last night...oh he knows he did something wrong because i've been cold as ice to him, andh e's been allhuggy and cuddly and sh*t.

I have been one step from telling him that he can enjoy another Xmas without me, iw ould NEVER show his mother that type of disrespect. Never. It wouldn't cross my mind. I was stern with her, after a health scare because she wouldn't go to the doctor, but no way was I rude or disrespectful but I did lay the smackdown becuase I flew all the way up in order to make sure she was okay. And even then, i'm only putting that here to cover my bases because i don't think it was even a blip on anything that would be called inappropriate.

I actually broke out in hives or some other nastiness on my back as a result of it. As well as fell back into an eating disorder thing.

Of course in order to handle my stress, i started back up chatting with Chandler, another addiction i guess you can call it, what can i say...when he makes me smile, i'm beaming. I've been good to not tell him the details involving Joey because i used to do that in the past and it's not fair for anyone...it's not like i can go to Joey and bitch about Chandler. But if there's anything I know, it's that Chandler would give his left nut to be a part of my family, to meet them, to do their traditions, etc. ANd if he were a dick to my family (which i can't imagine he would be..i can imagine he would be to my friends for some reason if he felt threatened, but NEVEr to my family) I k now he'd man up and apologize asap.

And i know i shouldn't compare, but f*ck it, for the week i've had if this is the only thing that's keeping me sane is my little fantasy world, then so be it.

I've just been a crying mess about everything...about the abortion still, baby stuff, my husband's effing attitude, family stuff, so on and so forth. But when i say "crying mess" i mean, i plaster a smile on and then any moment i have alone (either when brushing my teeth or driving somewhere quickly). Just smile smile smile...sometimes i just get cranky, but it's general crankiness not a "seriously i'm so f*cking pissed at you" more like "what? NO i said i'm going to shower LAYYTERR!".

Like i need to add to my list of guilt "husband is a rude, inconsiderate jerk to mother".

In other news, i got a pseudo period again. It's so weird, i havent' had a "true" period (like, tampon-level) since August.

Obviously post-surgery bleeding doesn't count as a period.

A few weeks ago I had dark discharge for a brief moment. Same thing last night. At this rate, i'm starting to MISS my period (although it's nice to not have to spend $$ but it's not like i was spendign that much anyway). They told me to call on Dec 16th if i don't get my period and that's 2 days away, so we'll see what happens between now and then.


UGH ever since this abotion i've become such a wimp. I hate country music, but somehow i ended up listening to this song and the lyrics have me in tears...maybe because right now, i sure as hell don't feel this for my husband (and cried at lunch over how mad at him I am but i can't do anything because i know he'll shut down completely and be a dick for the rest of the week):

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

56 days later - it never stops

11:48 pm

More baby issues...you see a birth scene on tv and you bawl. Sigh.

55 days later - baby dreams


More baby dreams last night. Bad baby dreams.

Can't even type any more than this crap because of the usual family sh*t that's going on right now. I would kill for some effing privacy.

54 Days Later - no time to think

4:04 pm

Seems i've been swamped with work combined with this family visit.

Last night I lost it...i was gripping my bathroom counter trying not to cry...especially when my mother (after i yelled at her for something) said "what would you do if your daughter talked to you that way?"

I can't explain what that did to me. I just can't.


Geezus fucking christ. Family issues, Joey snapping at me saying I snapped athim, I tried apologizing and he said "i don't want to talk to you right now"...me: "i'm saying i'm sorry, i didn't mean it, i won't continue to snap, i'm sorry" and he's ignoring me now. WTF. Chandler bitchy-ass email yesterday, now this crap from Joey today.

Men are a bunch of fucking p*ssies.

And i'm attempting to write in this to explain how I went to the mall and Firefox fucking crashed, anyway if you had an abortion and would be pregnant over xmas, then do yourself a favor and just buy ALL your gifts online that December because it is the most depressing, gut-wrenching t hing. And i HATE Xmas.

Anyway, I now have to suck up to Joey or else he'll take out my one-time snapping out on my mom which will then prompt me to have to consider divorcing him, because he did that LAST time I saw her, and that was unacceptable and part of hte reason I left him the first time.

It's sad when you find being at work to be less stressful and enjoyable then your own damn home life.

10:29 pm

Yesterday Chandler misquoted me on something in order to make a snarky comment,
that I only need him when things are crappy.

How little he knows when things are crappy...how much this plagues me...he has no idea. I've tried my best with him, to show him it's not like that. This will haunt me long past what he, or anyone would ever think. I turn to him for a small part of it, there's times he's seen most of it but only for small glimpses before I get a grip...before I may have felt like a fraud to others, now I feel like a fraud to myself, to my own mind even when I'm feeling kind of good...I feel like a fraud. I'm a fraud on every level of my soul.

To get rid of something that I so desperately wanted...

And i know I couldn't have kept it.

But my resentment for a lot of things is growing..my resentment towards Chandler for so MANY flippin' things that I was WAYYYYYYY too cool about when he would ask for forgiveness...i'm angry at Joey for only NOW giving a crap about the fertility stuff, I'm mad at myself for thinking it wasn't a big deal, I'm mad at myself for not following relationship rules in sequence and not "overlapping" and falling for one while dealing with a crappy marriage, i'm resentful at everyone, i'm resentful at friends with kids....

I'm resentful because I never seem to have any DAMN ALONE TIME TO SORT OUT MY FUCKING FEELINGS...Joey coming up behind me while I"m trying to be stealth and write this in Notepad...i'm mad becuase I know he wants to get it on tonight and I've been spoiled by the awesomeness and chemistry with Chandler...

When will i ever get a frickin' chance to process this once and for all?!??!?!?!

53 days later - ghosts of memories past

Lately I've been viewing this abortion like it was a "location", and each day is like a new mile that i'm driven further away from it. So when you're only 5 days out, it's like you can still "see" the abortion so you can be upset still. But it's like i'm 53 miles away...i feel like I have no right to still act as if the Abortion building is right around the corner.

I know i need to allow myself to grieve and all that, but with family visiting i can't even do any of the workbook stuff, etc.

Plus I'm already pretty emotional when it comes to my jacked-up family, let alone since the surgery I'm SUCH a baby. So within a few hours of the visit I was already screaming and getting emotional.

Today i've come up with a "strategy" and it's helped tremendously in handling the emotions.

I've also been thinking about shelling out the $$ to see my old therapist, however for the cash i'd rather put it towards bills or a cleaning service. I'm just wary to tell her about the abortion...i don't want to go down that path, i don't want any more people knowing nor do I want to open the pandora's box with her. Hell, i don't want it written in even more spots that I had this.

It's like I want to erase that this happened, but I want the right to be able to be sad about it as well.

52 Days Later - not hurting yet

10:51 am

Going out of town was a good thing, minus being in a car with a girlfriend who did nonstop baby talk of all her friends' lives.

Certain things don't hurt as much. Like on the radio a DJ made a wisecrack about something being a train wreck and his co-host said "Yeah, it was a total abortion"...it didn't hurt, it didn't make me cry. It shock me a little but it was actually kind of funny how he said it. It did however remind me "oh yeah. Abortion. I'm one of them."

48 days later - rollercoastereeeee day

3:54 pm

Today's been weird. One moment i'm chill, next minute I get choked up.

I went to lunch with a friend who insisted the Joey's fertility is probably fine, and mine is probably fine, so why am i freaking out, i havent' been doing it like rabbits with Joey to know if maybe that's why i'm not pregnant.

Yeah well...no sh*t. Chandler and I did it like rabbits
sigh and what a good rabbit he is

I can't maintain that with Joey, I can't even do it more than once at BEST twice a month...He doesn't have the drive, and I don't have it emotionally in me to try not to cry the entire time if we do it more than that.

At one point my friend implied that i should consider what if *I'M* infertile (then she said "i'm sure it's all fine) and i wanted to SCREAM...i know i'm fine. the first time in my life where i'm sloppy and DIDN'T want to get pregnant, it happened asap.

I think I narrowed down the night. The night we snuck into that pool and hot tub (it's always a hot tub isn't it) in the condo he was crashing.

I got a call from the chick who works for that birth choice clinic, they have an abortion support group starting in January. Even though it's religious, I'll take it.


It's so weird the things that will set me off.

Watching frickin' Eastwick (great show, too bad it's being canceled), they were saving a chick's teenage daughter who had fallen under ice into a lake...THAT made me start bawling. Maybe i just got caught up, it was filmed pretty well, and i was getting into it...or maybe it's that you can imagine the emotions a mother would have knowing her daughter has fallen through ice...

And here I am, still bawling...

I had something/someone I was supposed to protect.

I suddenly just feel like....

i'm a really bad person.

I don't feel like i'm worthy or should ever be allowed to be pregnant ever again. I'm fighting to make it happen when deep down, I lost the right to ever have a child let alone many.

47 Days Later - MUST be positive today. Must.

10:17 am

I thought about just skipping changing the dates becuase doing that daily is becoming a pain in my ass, but last thing I need is for anyone I know who's secretly had an abortion stumble upon this and clue in that it's me based on some of the events i'm writing about.

Yesterday was a bad day, there's no WAY i can get into that frame of mind again today.

I read this:

Life's up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals - Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want.

Which is pure cheese but I can say the abortion has definitely taught me things about myself that I didn't realize before.

Drama with my mom and her visit. This is NOT what i need. I already have no time to myself to handle the situation, let alone having to be around her 24/7 when i'm not at work. And now she wants to stay longer. I can't hack it. My self esteem is already shot to hell, i'm trying to REBUILD "me" right now...in order to handle her, I have to be the strongest "me" possible which is rare. I love my mom, I think she's pretty damn incredible, but if there's anything she can do is push my buttons.

I have a huge issue when people are passive-aggressive. It's such a crappy form of manipulation. My mother is pretty good at it, and she shrugs her shoulders when you get mad and says "what? All i'm saying is x y z" and you're like "uh no, that's not 'all' you're saying and you know it".


In other news, I'm nervous all of a sudden. Today i've been exhausted (I took a nap in the morning at work, and then left work early and took ANOTHER nap, and now it's 10:33pm, i should be wired right? Wrong, i'm ready to pass out again) and i've eaten like food is going out of style. I.e: i have pregnancy symptoms. Now all of this will hopefully be in my head (becuase I shouldn't be....and I only JUST did stuff with Chandler), basically another reason to stay away from that boy. My desire for him never stops. Best to avoid temptation.

Which will be easier with my mom here anyway.

Anyway, in other news Joey found out insurance covers 50% of his fertility testing, however that begs the question: 50% of WHAT exactly? But i told him I don't care, put it on a credit card. I don't care. I don't care. I refuse to NOT be pregnant in 2010.

My new year's resolution can be summed up as: I need to get my life on track.

46 Days Later - Keep running up that hill

10:33 am

Yeah i didn't post at all yesterday. Mostly for a lack of time, and out of extreme exhaustion.

My emotions come and go. Usually when i run an errand and I see a stay-at-home mom. You would never ever peg me as the type who is maternal or would even WANT to just stay at home to look after their child (stay at home to not work: yes. Stay at home to be a mother? no).

This morning I started to have some resentment towards Chandler again. About how he said if i had kept the baby, THEN he wuold have hauled ass in life. Yeah, awesome. Most people haul ass BEFORE having babies, you don't start making an effort because you've conceived. Essentially, you're saying I woul dhave been a single mom in terms of finances. That's a big help.

Or how it seemed like blackmail was his ultimate trump card, and he used it damn often. The final night of it all, i had a sense i might be pushing it, but i was like "what the FUCK. I had an ABORTION yesterday. I think i'm allowed to freak the fuck out when he's being a dick". And asking me whether I told someone who then posted something on craigslist...really? Stay the fuck away from Craigslist. Secondly, what kind of people do you t hink I know? Thirdly, I JUST HAD AN ABORTION. And you want to worry about something you read on Craigslist? really? Let's see howm uch harder you can slap me in the face. I had bigger things to worry about, including a hosting a party and keeping a smile on my face while inside completely falling apart, moreso than I ever have in my entire life. And so...because I got pissed and flipped out, you sent texts to my husband? Really? Thanks for taking one for the team.

It wasn't until a week after the abortion when I desperately needed someone to talk to, and it was big time over with us, did he become the knight in shining armor that I needed him to be the day of the abortion itself.

So why do I have this resentment now? Because those texts, he lost his job, the job he needed...we both needed him to have...and that was MY credibility on the line, the one and only time i recommended him for a job.

I feel like there are times i handed him things on a silver platter and he still didn't do the work necessary. Maybe that makes me judgmental, but at this point fuck it, i'm allowed to judge. We had a baby together. There was LIFE inside of me, life that was half him (well, mostly likely, can't obvoiusly know 100% for sure), and he tells me he would have made it work if we HAD the baby?

I don't know why that infuriates me. I started hauling ass when I was in highschool because I saw the big, long-term picture to get the life I wanted. Didn't go as planned, but sure as hell brought me farther than the alternative. I started hauling ass around 14/15 years old. Andh e wants to start hauling ass at 35 ONLY under the conditions that I had kept the kid?

Maybe also because I'm starting to become cynical to his sweet words...his words mean everything to me, but actions speak louder than words and for someone who says he wants "us" and he'll wait and all that...if things dont' work out with my husband, i'm supposed to rely on love alone to make things work with someone else? We're not 18 in Kentucky. We're in our 30s, and we both know that jobs, careers, debt, etc matter...especially for women when picking a mate. This isn't news. Women can't look for work when pregnant (well, you CAN, best of luck finding a job, let alone you aren't eligible for FMLA anyway), you may not want to admit it buty ou need a guy to be constantly working in the event that you can't when you're pregnant/newly given birth.

Why am i so effing angry today???? It's not like I would ahve kept the baby, that's definitely not an option. But maybe i'm also mad because part of that choice wasn't ever there for ME, because I feel like I made teh choice to be a single mom or not (assuming the baby wasn't Joey's).

There's some gorgeous houses on the street where he lives, and he said yesterday for the first time that one particular house was attainable in his eyes. I don't know why this got me MAD. Maybe becuase *I* don't even aspire for a home like that, and i HAVE a home...i'm aspiring for something with a driveway. That's it. A driveway. And no attached wall. Something that isn't a townhouse but my insurance company calls it a "condo". I'm mad because he says he wants this so effing bad, this "us"...and yes, things are going super well with Joey...but I guess i just want him to put his money where his mouth is and PROVE IT. NOt for me, but for any girl you want to be with, for any family you say you want, if you want it PROVE IT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I wish I could scream at him that all of his dicking around, he in the past 12 months could have honed in some wicked Photoshop skills, built the most incredible portfolio. I have a girlfriend who's a graphic's designer, her portfolio is full of "fake" menus, advertisments, brochures, etc. He could easily have learned so much stuff on his own having already the basics down, could have learned Illustrator to boot (since i had the CD to give him), could have done the odd small logo-building gig here or there, just enough to pay that rent of his which I don't think is even that much.

And the killer part is: if i say anything, it's like i'm judging, when this is me saying "i think you're talented, you should max it out and make $$ off of it". I have a nephew through marriage the same way, i was the only one pushing him towards college, REALLY pushing when no one else was, and then i was accused of being judgmental. No, it's called "this is hwo the real world works, and ihave so much faith in you that's why i'm pushing you like this, you're better than what everyone else thinks, prove to them that you can do more".

Okay. I'm bitching and i probably am making no sense.

I just have resentment. I have resentment becuase the odd time my brain goes into "what if i had kept the baby" mode, if it wasn't Joey's, i would have been a single mom because I don't trust when someone says "if you hadkept it, i would have turned things around"...i needed him to show me that long before conception.

Yeah. I'm a bitch.


Sigh, i AM a bitch...Chandler IMed me and i started talkinga bout the abortion and he was great.

I'm just having a hard time becuase i realized on friday it'll be the 2nd trimester. This would have been the time where I could have told people. This weekend I would have had people gushing and congratulating me or getting texts saying "a little birdie told me the good news!"...

Instead, i'm going skiing. Which you'd think, "yeah awesome good for you!". Um, no. If I were pregnant, I wouldn't be skiing.

And then i looked up online what it would have looked like. I was shocked, since I haven't looked reallythis entire time. I only looked at the 5th week mark. The 12th week, it's a full-on little dude. The size of a kidney bean, but still.

I feel like i didn't get rid of it. I feel like the ghost of it lingers around me, haunts me, and it's growing anyway.

I can't think.

I can't breathe.

46 days, and still freaking out.

8:39 pm

Summary: bawled on and off tonight.

Thank God for both Chandler and Joey. Damn i'm an asshole.

Chandler for just being...sigh well the only person who loves me the way he does.

Joey for being just cool about stuff tonight...letting me do my work call without flack.

I love them both in different ways.

Oh but bawled over baby stuff. Everything from it being this weekend that i would tell people i was pregnant...to how developed the baby would be...to Chandler's roommate's kid in a highchair. Seeing that just made me LOSE IT.

44 days - so tired

10:41 pm

so is the end of thanksgiving weekend. .Can't believe 2009 is almost over.

so much for a platonic day with Chandler. And this is where I realize: i can't be platonic withthat boy.

I love him. I love my husband. i don't want to risk another abortion. I had to take 4 birth control pills just now, will take 4 more tomorrow. Eff going through an abortion ever again.

how some people can do multiple ones is beyond me. I would probably shoot myself.

The only time I got emotional today regarding the abortion was when we were watching amovie, and the chick was all saying how she was going to have a baby in 9 months. It killed Hillary Swank to hear it, and it killed me. That should have been ME telling people the good news, getting the congratulations.

Time to stop dwelling on the abortion, and stop kidding myself that i can be friends with Chandler. I love him, so much to a fault, but i can't be with two guys like this. And things are going GOOD with Joey in the grand scheme.

WHY did i have to meet Chandler now???????

43 Days - no babymaking!!!!!

11:05 pm

I'm amazed i finally have a chance to write here. I'm desperately trying to catch up on work so i can have a free day tomorrow. A PLATONIC day with Chandler. Dammit.

Of which, Joey tried to get his mack on this morning, and the convo pretty much went in this sequence:
him: (not doing stuff that would remotely turn me on. It's more like, a little kid seeing a shiny toy but unsure what to do)
me: trying to assess if he's just goofing around or actually wants to do stuff. he does.
me: i ask whether there's a chance of him finishing, since it's morning, vs. at night
him: agrees that at night he's most likely
me: tells him that if we're attempting a baby then i'd rather wait till tonight because then we don't know when there's an "end" (seriously, it's okay if it happens on occasion. When you go years of that, it's just upsetting for me...he doesn't know it's that upsetting, but it really is. and it hurts. there needs to be an "end" gentleman. We don't want it to end TOO soon, at least when it's good, but i'd rather err on the side of too short vs. too long because i'd rather be frustrated than in pain. And not good pain.)

I'm trying to accept that sex with my husband will more often than not, not be enjoyable. And when i say "enjoyable", it's still worse than any mediocre sex with Chandler (which i say "mediocre" just relatively to the norm and awesomeness of the majority of the times). I can learn to forget about that, there's a bigger picture here. But that also means that sex to me is babymaking and that's it. If i think of it as something enjoyable and stress-relieving, then I'll be disappointed 99% of the time and take it out on him which isn't fair. That's why I was so pissed off at the end of last year...I had expectations for sex, which included it being good AND getting a baby, and since that neverhappened (including getting any sperm to even consider a baby) i just started ot associate sex with an unpleasant activity that would take at least 2 hours to result in pain, frustration, and definitely nothing that would give me a baby. And sometimes you just want a quickie. There was never any quickie since he couldn't finish, and how often are you willing to give up a night where 2-3 hours is spent doing something that is not enjoyable? Lemme tell you, when you work full-time and you have a household to run (because at the time Joey was doing barely any chores if any at all), even once a month becomes too often.

But i digress. It's not the mentality i should have now, and i'm working damn effing hard to stop being so bitter about it because it's not helping the situation.

So fast forward to now, i'm stuck doing work, and he says "oh i guess the stuff from this mornign wont' finish, this isn't exactly the way to make a baby". I told him i peed on the little stick and i'm not fertile now anyway (since my period is all whacky as a result of the abortion, i can't even guesstimate). He's like "well how long does it last" and i told him it's just 2 days out of the month, he's like "WHAT? How do people get pregnant???"

So i had to skool him a bit and then told him to just look it up.

Which case, he mentioned that sperm can last inside you for 5-7 days. geezus, for the amount of sex Chandler and I had at times, *I* could have been a sperm donor. But that then makes me wonder again about who the baby daddy would have been. Truthfully, I still would say Chandler, since we didn't exactly go 5-7 days WITHOUT doing stuff.

I can't believe I had to just educate my husband on fertility, when we've been trying at this for 2 years unsuccessfully. Really? you didn't know the window was a small window each month? And that my odds are MUCH less than if i were 22?

It's just so odd...the FIRST TIME EVER that i got careless, I got pregnant. But when i actually wanted and tried to get pregnant, it never happened. But normally when i don't want to get pregnant, my ovary is blocked every which way.

Oh today I got emotional because I heard Plumb - In My Arms

Which has a line about reading fairy tales. I LOST IT. At least, internally, since Joey was around and I had to act cool. I would have one day been reading fairy tales to "it".

and yesterday...imagining birthdays missed...

This is not a pleasant secret to keep.

And why is it that Joey and Chandler are both in effing sync...when they're both assholes, it occurs at the same time, when one is great the other one is great too, which makes it all bad. Sigh. Weaning myself off Chandler is hard. Very hard.

42 days - i have no self control

12:00 pm

got up early, black friday shopping
looking like ass, not showered, still wearing clothes from the night before, had gone to bed at 2am woke up at 4:30 am
Drove over to Chandler's just to snuggle next to him while i could.
I looked nasty. And i just wanted to feel his arms around me.

Right. One thing led to another. Which oh HELL YEAH i'm popping the morninga fter pill no matter how nauseous it makes me. At one point I just laid there crying over the abortion, babies, everything.

I remembered the first time I went on the pill for medical reasons at age 15, i was STOKED. I never dreamed I would end up like this.

A year ago, i had a horrible thanksgiving related ot people pressuring me in public about when i was going to have a baby. I was so upset last year, so hurt, that my husband didn't seem to care and I wanted one so badly.

Fast forward tothis thanksgiving, where Joey finally understands and cares how badly i want one, all the while I'm the one who got rid of the one i had.

GOD at one point my head was resting on his arm, it was outstretched, and for some reason i'm enamored by his arms and hands (they're all strong and manly and crap), i forgot how his hands are so much bigger than mine, and then i just pictured those arms holding his newborn, the image of a baby against the tattoo his has on his inner wrist, and i LOST IT. If there was anyone who would be alpha-male-slash-Papa-Bear-style, it would be Chandler.

I'm tired of crying over the abortion.

I'm tired of feeling like my life is on pause and has no meaning because of the value i've placed my whole life on what "meaning" is.

Attempting to be platonic with Chandler is obviously not an option. Which means i need to really distance myself. It's hard to distance yourself not only from someone who has become one of your best friends, but also the other person** who knows about the thing that torments you. In addition to the eating disorder stuff too.

**Yes, thank the LORD for Rachel as well for knowing, but it's a little different when it's the person who most likely was the father, plus he's actually in this state :P

12:37 pm

I wrote this on a forum and people kept saying how i summed things up perfectly so I'm gonna post here what i wrote:
It's hard because you know logically you made the right decision but that doesn't mean emotionally or even physically you feel that way. You did have the right to make the choice though, for the sake of the other kids. At this point you have to really trust yourself and your decision, which is easier said than done!

That's the very problem. LOGICALLY, i had no other choice. This really was the best decision for everyone, including the baby. But emotionally...total Sophie's Choice. The burden of it weighs on me heavily, even when i'm not always thinking about it.

Unfortunately babies are everywhere, so that doesn't help much.

Trying to snooze at Chandler's this morning, I heard one of his roommate's kids yell "daddy!"...holy crap did I ever lose it. Truthfully I can't be around them, he tries to point out cute things those kids do but I don't want to see a kid. I can't even make eye contact with kids anymore. I can't touch one, and when I see one i have to look away immediately, as if i'm seeing some sort of maimed individual that i know if i look at, i'll stare, and they'll think i'm being rude. So...I act as if children don't exist.

((let the waterworks begin))

Thankfully of my close friends that I associate with all the time, only one has a kid and she never brings him around (I've never met him...long story involving her brother who always hangs out with us too,he has a problem with her son's father blah blah) plus he's a bit older I think, he's 8ish.

I think my cap is around 6-7 years old. After that i don't get so emotional, they're more like little adults. But when you're still at that age when your legs are chubby and you waddle even a little, I lose it.

It's as if they KNOW i did something to "their kind". Like i'm some KKK member walking around town, and black women wouldh ave to shield their kids and say "don't look at the bad lady". Yes, i feel like kids would look at me with THAT level of fear and loathing.

Don't leave your kids around me folks, you never know what i might do.

6:38 pm

Wow...so many t hings can set me off.

Watching Flash Forward, where the lesbian who's "flash forward" was her having an ultrasound, and she's like "wtf i'm not even in a relationship, let alone i don't do guys"...anyway she ends up getting surgery that renders her relatively infertile, and she's bawling...repeating "why am i crying, i didn't even WANT kids"...i was a mess watching that. Girl should win an Emmy for that scene.

41 days - things to be grateful for

10:32 am

It's thanksgiving. Sigh, i still didn't get all my work done, i'll probably just end up doing it tomorrow after Black Friday shopping.

I have GOT to remember that when I watch Glee, pregnancy is a big part of it.

I'm still in awe: i had a BABY with Chandler. WE together had a baby. Realizing who the dad is kind of is blowing my mind. I wonder what that would have been like had i realized it while i was pregnant.

While prepping stuff for today Joey was pouring himself some soda then just started CRYING. I instantly worried that maybe he knew about Chandler (yes i need to start living by the mantra that i need to live as if everything will be front page news). He comes over, tears down his face, and tells me how happy he is. I'm like "what? why are you crying then?"...and he started saying how for thanksgiving I'm still here, and he kept repeating that. I was like "well i was here last year at this time" and he said "yeah but you were one foot out the door".

Seriously, that humbled me. And Chandler said he cried yesterday about how he missed me, how happy he was when we were in the theater, etc.

You'd think a girl would be stoked to have two men be in love with her, but it's quite the opposite. THe stress, the pressure, knowing that you basically control the most vulnerable part of two people isn't pleasant, it's miserable. I want so badly for both of them to be happy. And the selfish part of me loves different parts of each of them. ARGH.

40 days - seems so far away

8:36 am
Why does it seem like it just happened yesterday? I guess i can still say it was only last month. Still, 40 days seems like I should be over it.

Last night Joey said that he's following up with doctors on getting his junk scoped out, and they told him they're going to check with insurance to see how much is covered. I told him I don't care if none of it is covered, we're paying for it. We're paying for whatever it takes.

But then I asked what to do if it turns out he's infertile. He agreed that he wouldn't want some other dude's sperm in me (finally! Years ago he said he was okay with that)...but that he wouldn't want to adopt. My heart sank. I mean, adopting is obviously not ideal...he said he didn't know anyone who was adopted who wasn't weird as a result. I pointed out someone we knew, he said "yeah and look at her..."
me: "she's just high maintenance, but she's not weird"
him: "exactly. she's high maintenance"
me: "that's because she grew up in NY, she's rich, and she's a GIRL!"

Crud i just remembered someone else who was adopted and she was a two-faced biotch...but then again, i also know a trillion non-adopted people who are like that too.

I wonder if having low testosterone for too long is the equivalent of letting a bladder infection go for a woman...after awhile, it spreads, and you become infertile. Could it be that his body just stopped producing what's needed?

And all the while of course, I know having a kid with Chandler is a no-brainer. I just wish he had the rest of his life in order. Which makes me an asshole for saying that, because you're supposed to support your man no matter what.

Well, sadly in the real world with a two income society I guess I'M high maintenance because I need a guy who can shove sh*t aside and take care of business when it comes to providing. I've done it my entire life. And lord knows, i've got ISSUES. But if i can get crap done at the worst of times, then damn right the guy should be able to also.

GOD DON"T CRY AT WORK. I have something due today and i haven't even started.
9:46 pm

Hung out all day with Chandler. What can i say...there's no one else i'd see New Moon with. And to max out my day, i made him drink with me. I drank at least a bottle's worth on a relatively empty stomach and was at most mildly buzzed.

At one point he sat next to me and i thought: We had a child together. HOLY SH*T. Holding his left hand it blew my effing mind....we. had. a. child. There was a mini version of both of us that was in my stomach. HOHLEE CRAPPPP.

Which resulted in me mildly crying on his chest when i went to drop him off.

I'm also still mad...stupid abortion book exercise. I'm mad that he said things would have changed if i had kept the baby. But now he has no motivation. But the very thing that motivates 99% of the world is the FUTURE prospect, not when it happens. You don't get your life in order when you're already having a kid, you ge tyour life in order BEFORE you do. And he said he truthfully doesn't see himself ever having a family, which blows my mind but that's another side note, but that...if you don't see yourself having a family maybe that's because you live your life in such a way that's not conducive to HAVING a family. Maybe you have to get your sh*t in order, THEN the family will arrive. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

ANyway, that is neither here nor there because i vowed to focus on my current family, so....

sigh. this whole thing just sucks donkey balls. plain and simple.

Oh and i'm amazed i havent' lost my job through all of this this year, and i had something due today but i said f*ck it and saw New Moon. I'm tired and pissy and just want to forget who I am.

If anyone cares: unless you're a hardcore Twilight fan, or you're like me and you just wanted an excuse to skip reading New Moon so you can start Eclipse, just wait till it's out on rental. Although Taylor Lautner's abs on the big screen was pretty damn sweet. If you like underage boys.

39 Days Later - be a grownup dammit!

10:47 am

And there it is, Sex on Fire, the first song Chandler ever said reminded him of me. I had never heard it. I can't remember the last time a boy said that a song reminded someone about me.

So i guess that was it for my period, which then means i'm in "start peeing on ovulation sticks every day again!"

As usual i'm in crunch mode with work, which is a killer since I have my review today. I wish i could just say "let me have a do-over, please!".

This has been a year of do-overs for sure. Don't know if each time i did over that i did it any better than the first time.

I'm doing the math on non-mortgage expenses because somehow without Joey's income (we came up a system, and it's pretty separate) i seem to have no cash. But then again, i had a ton of car stuff, $400 in carpet cleaning, and OH YEAH a $400 abortion. And now i need to spend almost $600 on new tires. But without factoring in life insurance for us both and homeowner's insurance, i'm already at $2114. But he spends around $2300 on the mortgage now, so I guess I should shut my piehole.

Sigh, so much for the concept of us maybe one day surviving on one income if we had kids. We have an adjustable-rate mortgage, so far it reset to something do-able but in a year it won't be the case.

If i review my bills from the past few months I can see the pricier nights were when I went out with Chandler 'cause I paid for this stuff. I had started to resent him for it, mostly because we always ended up in a fight and it was like "wtf...i just blew like $70 tonight and you want to be a jerk to me after? Really? How about you be gracious and just say 'thank you' ".

I definitely need a fresh start. 2010 better be better than 2008 and 2009 that's for sure, the worst years of my life minus the year i was engaged but that was my own doing, the anorexia and bulimia fueled mei f you ignore the pun. 2010 has to be a year of change.

Resolutions suck balls, but here's the plan:

2010: get pregnant. Or start the adoption process. There better be PROGRESS. wtf, i'm going to be 33 without a kid? really? I wanted FOUR kids. Now i'll settle for effing ONE.
2010: learn to solve this puzzle game that if i wrote here, people would know who i am.
2010: i will start pursuing my own hobbies instead of dedicating my life to catching up to...life. Reading all the books i say i will, etc.
2010: no more lies, no more deceit, no more cheating, no more sneaky-ass crap. Having to hide myc redit card statements, my cell phone, none of that. Clean living...my life will be an open book to Joey. Which i'm trying to do now.

I was by myself on NYs of 2008-->2009, having left my husband, I chose to spend it with 2 girlfriends instead of Chandler. In hindsight, i don't know if that was a good idea or not. I had already made plans with my girlfriends but i could have easily bailed. I guess I just take it very seriously who I enter a new year with, it sets the precedent for so many things.

This new year's will be my first one with my husband since 2007-->2008. Whydoes this make me emotional? I don't know if i'm happy, or if i'm terrified that it will be the same song and dance.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Amazingly, having an abortion with someone somehow makes you feel closer to them, in a weird way. It's a secret deeper than just of the affair, although it's a dark secret unfortunately. Not a secret i WANT to have, but it happened regardless of what label I put on it.

That abortion has certainly created a new definition of "me", and the scary part is that the only person who knows that new definition is someone I can't and shouldn't be with, and that person isn't my husband. It's kind of like wearing a mask to everyone in the world except one person, but you can't even be with that one person. For as much of our drama I can still say that with Chandler, I was able to stop and breathe.

9:24 pm
live your life as if everything you do and say would be on the cover of tomorrow's news
(per Journey Through Choices' comments)

THAT IS BRILLIANT. And that is going to be my New Year's mantra. I love it. Thank you :)

In other news...

I left work at around 3 because I have this late night status call right now, I was stuck behind a van for "abortionNo.com" or something like that. There were baby/newborn images all over it, and a big header that read something about alternatives to having an abortion. Even when I wasin highschool i always viewed as the PREGNANCY as the problem, not the baby.

Anyway, it really really f*cked me up. Then when I went to the gym thing that i was signing up for the guy was going to give me the schpiel about their kids' club and then was like "oh wait, no kids? No kids? okay ..."

No. I do not have kids. I had one. I sucked it out of me.

38 Days Later - resentment kicks in

8:40 am

Had a weird dream last night. I'll spare you the details but Chandler was in it, but he looked just like an ex-boyfriend. Or maybe the ex-boyfriend was supposed to be chandler. Whatever. It was a bad dream, like most of my dreams since the abortion. Nights where i don't dream at all are best.

Thing is with "breakups" is you go through a phase where you miss the person...then you transition to anger and bitterness. I woke up feeling that way. Bitter over many of the things he said and did to me. Things that any girl with a shred of self-esteem wouldn't have tolerated.

Yesterday i had a pseudo-period. Just a bit of dark brown discharge (lovely to read i'm sure). I had some mild cramping last night. Today, so far, nothing.

5:24 pm

Wow, what a rollercoaster day of emotions.

And now, it ends in depression. Trying not to cry while I sit at my table. Bored. I have my mid-year review tomorrow and i'm freaking out that it's going ot be bad, considering this past year i moved out of my house, moved back into my house, had Chandler drama, got pregnant and had an abortion.

I wish i could articulate the sadness, it's almost work to cry, it just feels....empty.

I feel like i'm trying so hard with my husband, but i still don't enjoy his company or feel a special BOND between us. But i guess that's to be expected, since i'm still pining for Chandler. Hoping that once i get over Chandler, my emotions will work out better iwth Joey. But...he's never been my "best friend"...whereas Chandler has fallen into that category.

But i still do things like text Joey letting him know i love him, that i had fun with him, etc...even though it feels fake.

What is missing in me that i can't just be fucking happy with what i have????????


So I picked up where i left off in one of the workbooks, and the next phase is to assign blame. like in a perfect world we'd say that we're 100% resonsible for our actions, but let's get back to the real world type of thing. And truthfully, i do blame others...

Chandler: I blame you for only caring it seemed for like 3 weeks about condom use. While i know you appreciated that i took the pill, what you said outside my complex the night i told you shows that you did put this all on me, that this was my responsibility.

Joey: I blame you for not taking an active interest about the babymaking stuff. That we said years ago we'd start trying, but you left it up to ME to point out the major flaw in the process. That the pressure was also on me to help you finish, that if you didn't then it was because of something i did wrong. And look at that, the one month i get pregnant, you actually finished that one day, and then i have NO idea who the father is.

The clinic: i blame them for not REQUIRING therapy of some kind before and after. For not giving me a run-though of what would happen. The entire time I was clueless.

The anesthesiologist for what he did to my hand, to where the whole experience became the worst event physically of my entire life.

Myself: for being so sloppy. And reckless. For taking chances despite thinking that I was infertile. For not thinking that it would fuck me up big time if I ever got pregnant. Hell, just the costs associated with it.