20 Days Later - here's hoping


Yes, another late night but this time i actually got some work done, trying to catch up on everything since the news that I was pregnant.

A month ago on this day, I found out I was pregnant.

It seems like its been a year.

Yesterday I shredded all the paperwork from the abortion clinic. For some reason, the more evidence of the abortion that goes away, the less I feel like myself. I thought it would be the other way around...that once the injection/IV marks were gone, when i had no more bleeding, when the paperwork was gone, when the bill was paid...i would be The Old Me.

But really, it's like removing all the traces of what transitioned the old me to the new me. This girl I don't even recognize. I've been making plans, but they all seem retarded in the grand scheme. Cookie exchanges, ski trips, orphan thanksgivings, 5ks...probably because i'm SUPPOSED to be pregnant. Those things would have a different meaning if I were. Now...it's like i'm an actor on stage, and i get a moment's relief to try to reconnect when someone yells "cut".

Really, nothing seems important anymore. Just pay the bills, make sure the cats are okay, sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.

It's absolutely adorable though when Chandler tries to remind me that at least this shows I wasn't infertile, that i can "have babies". But despite that reminder, why do I feel like that was my only shot?

It aches to not know that in 8 months would have been someone in my arms that would have been a part of me, came from my frickin' body, that i'd love the instant i met. It's such a weird, weird feeling.


I'm popping diuretics like they're candy...my weight is totallyb ack up from all the depression of everything and the eating of junk. so much for the brief moment of reprieve after losing some of the "baby weight". It's a killer, this weekend was the ONE WEEKEND all year that i needed to be toned and crap. I havent' even thought about the gym since the day i got pregnant...one month ago...anyway, i figure at this rate i need to shed all the water weight from the mass consumption of salt.

I started to freak out this morning, what if i'm still pregnant, maybe they made a mistake in the follow-up.

The emotions started to hit me again, reading a friend's Facebook feed that her 3rd son is having hearing issues and she's having a hard time getting into some testing center. That wasn't the big deal as much as her saying that when people tell her to wait, she says she has 2 other boys that were born premature and they were more developed at that age and how she just knows when something is wrong. This motherly instinct concept just hit me hard I guess.

Maybe I just want to feel important. I don't know.

Really it's just that this whole abortion thing has whacked out my biological clock. It was already really, really high. Now it's SUPER high to the Nth degree with extreme doubts about my abilities.

At the end of the day I always think "wtf am I doing with my life? Seriously??"

19 Days Later - So, so depressed

1:37 am

I'm def calling in sick tomorrow. My brain can't function, and I'll get more work done just vegging out at home alone.

I sort of feel bad for bitching about men yesterday. On one hand, Joey just wants to have his normal bitchy wife back. On the other, you have Chandler who so badly wants to help me get through this.

I've been wondering about what constitutes the perfect father, perfect partner. Here's the gist of what I want, in a perfect utopia world, as a baby daddy:

1. Definitely need a man's man. The type who'll fix crap. I don't want ot worry about working the cordless drill with a baby in my arm.

2. Someone who has a strong need to protect his family. that's not just sitting out with a shotgun, but that does include keeping one ear peeled for noices in the middle of the night. That also means being somewhat financially stable...I don't think guys understnad this, but women aren't gold diggers for the sake of the jewelry all the time. It's that if you lose your job, you get another one. We lose a job while pregnant, we're f*cked. you don't get FMLA until you've been at a company for 1 year (i.e. you can only get p regnant after 3 months of being at a job) let alone trying to interview when you're visibly showing. Making sure we don't have to worry about that is part of the protection.

3. A willingness to put aside personal "fun" for the sake of the family. I'm all for making sur eyou don't lose your identity, but going out on Saturday nights every weekend isn't an option after having a kid. Getting to buy all the frivolous fun stuff isn't an option. It's a willingness to sacrifice for the sake of the family, because giving up buying X toy creates a more important gain.

4. An understanding of the importance of family. Lord knows, I can't stand my family. But I grew up with a ton of cousins/aunts/uncles, and that's important. Very important. I don't want kids to be selfish and only think of themselves. There's a lot about obligation and loyalty that is to be learned through family. And respect for elders. And knowing your roots. While my mother drives me up the wall, it is so, so important for my kids to know her and her heritage (even though i don't know it).

5. An understanding about religion. I'm not religious, but i'd like to become more religious. And while I don't need the person to convert for me, I need someone who is supportive of my desire to learn more about my own, and to not mock that to our children.

6. Listen, i don't want to sound shallow here...but damn I'd love to be with a guy who I still want to bone after having kids. I have a friend who her and her husband are crazy horny for each other despite having mortgage stuff, job stuff, 3 kids, etc. They get a moment alone, they go nuts.

7. Simply put: a desire to be the master of his domain. I suppose it's like item 1, but it's more of a personality thing. This is your home...you fix what's broken, it's not all on me. You take care of things. You take responsibility for it and its inhabitants.

8. Sigh...i want him to be one of my best friends.

9. Just being in sync in life. Right now...i'm SO not in sync at all with Joey. We haven't been for years. his long distance jobs, difference in things we find enjoyable...

10. Sigh. I just want to feel like i'm on the same page iwth someone.

At this point in my life I feel like i'm becoming more and more like the girly girl types that i've loathed. Weak girls. ANd now...i'm complete mush. I hate who I've become. I feel like after this the type of person I need is different...I need someone to fiercely protect me because I don't know how I'm ever going to get the tough wall up, the one that took over 30 years to perfect.

Iwant someone who will help me, and i'll help them, not feel like each day is just...another day. I can't help thinking about my wedding day with my friend's coming up this weekend. I think of how that was the happiest day of my life. And never did my 25-year-old self ever dream that over 6 years of marriage later, I would be seeking the comfort of someone else, and having an abortion.

GOD why can't I stop crying.

I was so damn hardworking 15 years ago. I had it all figured out. Everything was going to be on the up and up.

I want a mulligan on life. I want a do-over so damn bad.

I never thought having an abortion would hurt like this. I never ever would have guessed. I always thought it was no big deal. Damn Rachel, i'm so so sorry i wasn't there for you more...this is horrific.


My brain is so useless today. It's everywhere. Thoughts of Chandler (damn that boy is like a drug...i wish we were in an alternate universe), thoughts of Joey (why am i so unhappy despite having a wonderful husband), thoughts of baby stuff, thoguhts of work, thoughts of the surgery...

It changes you. Having an abortion changes you, no matter how nonchalant you are, cynical you are, or pro-choice.

It changes you.

9:45 pm

I don't want to fall back into the same cycle. Of trying to work on things with Joey while still being in love (yes, love...i've been with Chandler for the same amount of time I was with Joey when he proposed) with another guy, but remaining in a state of limbo because well...it's status quo. I get happy with Chandler, so I don't "see" any flaws in my marriage because i'm too busy thinking about Chandler. But then, so much pressure is put on Chandler to be everything and then some, so that if he even fails by a bit, I immediately think "oh! better just stay with the safe option of Joey...."

It's horrible. I'm a horrible, horrible person. I keep wishing for some perfect scenario that involves changing time, or re-arranging the way things are now.

I spent a good chunk of tonight trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. If i begged my parents to help me with tuition to go back to school. Um yeah well t hat's not gonna happen with my old GPA from college.

This whole thing had me thinking about life with a baby with Joey (well, obviously, he's my husband) and life with a baby with Chandler. With Joey, it would be financial security as well as not rocking the boat of our life. But I'm sure i'm the one who would be responsible for everything, and he would be so so lazy about things around the house. i remember arguing with him about whether you can put a car seat in the front seat (uh no, it's against the law). Then with Chandler, it would be a total partnership in raising a child...I have no doubt that he would get up early if he felt I needed sleep, he would help clean...hell he'd be more than okay with me taking any opportunity to nap the instant he came home from work. But that would shake up my entire existence, and truthfully i get scared about being the main breadwinner (i'd make him go back to school). But then...I can't imagine NEEDING the same things with Chandler that I do with Joey. Really, my lifestyle with Joey is more expensive because for me to be happy I have DO stuff that involves cash. Or worst case, watching DVDs courtesy of netflix because i just don't have anything to say to him. whereas with Chandler, all it takes is a bottle of wine and we're chatting all night. I told him how I feel like he's the type of guy where we could do something stupid like get up on weekends and make silly challenges for garage sales, like find something green and gold under a buck...and it would be hilarious. Plus he actually takes such an interest in my life...he knows everythinga bout my friends and relatives that Joey doesn't even know, i don't think Joey even knows how many aunts and uncles I have.

On paper, I make it sound like Chandler is the obvious choice. But it shouldn't BE a choice. I am extremely against leaving one person for another. The question is, if Chandler got hit by a bus or didn't exist...would I stay with Joey? Just keeping the situation within the marriage...how do I perceive things? Which is hard to answer when my brain is on Chandler when i'm home and should be focusing on my marriage. that guy has consumed my mind since the day i met him.

Sigh. I just want a fucking family. I want to find meaning in my life. I feel like the biggest waste of space.

11:30 pm

Oh I forgot to mention that Joey came home with a dozen gorgeous roses. My guilt is through the moon. I get an abortion because I don't know who the father is, and in return I get effing roses.

I am the biggest asshole alive.

18 days later - men can go fuck themselves

1:44 am

GOD i hate men.
Seriously, all i want is a guy who will protect me. That's it. Really, that's it. That includes the emotional crap too. I literally want a guy who will take my heart and cradle it but guard it with his life.

Lesson learned: don't turn to a guy after an abortion ladies. Find a girlfriend, and turn to her. Okay well thankfully I have Rachel, and thank GOD for her. I don't know if any guy can fathom how deep this will run through you, how intensely this will affect you.

Really, i want to be left alone where no one can say or hurt me. I'm disgusted with how much of a wimp i've become since the 16th.

GOD i hate being a sensitive little whiny bitch. I don't feel like me at all...i was somewhat tough once upon a time. Now, i'm just a big baby.

I have cramping again today. WTF. I'm so over the cramping!

1:50 pm

Seriously, i wish i were a lesbian. I wouldn't be in this mess.

The two song that keep getting to me right now are Placebo's Running Up That Hill and Snow Patrol's Set Down Your Glass.

Placebo - Running Up That Hill

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, it's you and me.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts.

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, it's you and me.
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could, oh...

It's you and me,
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

If I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems...

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

Snow Patrol - Set Down Your Glass

Just close your eyes
And count to five
Let's craft the only thing we know into surprise

Set down your glass
I painted this
To look like you and me forever as we're now

And I'm shaking and I'm still
When you're eyes meet mine I lose simple skills
Like to tell you all I want, is now

You sing, and I'm killed
I'm just not the same
As I was a year ago
And each minute since then

My jumper tears
As we take it off
You say you'll sew me good as new
And I know you will

And I'm shaking and I'm still
When your eyes meet mine I lose simple skills
Like to tell you all I want, is now

And I'm shaking and I'm still
When your eyes meet mine I lose simple skills
Like to tell you all I want, is now
the latter song being one that has always reminded me of Chandler.

Everything feels so messy and sloppy now. Nothing is neat and organized. i'm losing track of plans with friends. Other than a bit of laundry, i haven't cleaned sh*t. I forget to call people back. I don't send thank you cards, birthday cards, etc. The thought of going to the gym annoys me, despite that i have a massive gut and my friend's wedding is in a few days.

Everything all over aches. It's a numbing pain...not like something deep stabbing, but more like something is aching inside and i want a pill to make it go away.

I'm tired of existing. Plain and simple.


Damn i'm cracking. Eating like mad, crying/not-crying at the drop of a hat. Joey got mad because i came home 10 mins after he did tonight, even though it's not like we had plans or anything. Then i walked in the room while stupid Leave It To Lamas (which i so, so wanted to like but his daughter is so dumb, it's just irritating) and I explaimed "ugh can you change the channel, i can't stand her!" and he looks at me, then says "uh did you not see I was?" me: "no" him: "and you didn't need to YELL it" me: "i didn't yell. THIS IS YELLING!" Him: "that's what you did" Me: "No, i exclaimed and showed enthusiasm"...

And at this point i was so annoyed about a billion things I made a snotty "sorry, i'll make sure to be void of all emotion".

It's 11pm, and i'm supposed to do work still, and i'm just...argh. I just don't give a sh*t anymore about anything.

17 Days Later - life feels fake and empty

11:00 am

I can't believe it's 11, and i've got all this crap to do. I shouldn't have made lunch plans. I just want to curl up in my car and sleep.

Last night, saw Chandler. Did stuff that I shouldn't have done (what can i say, that boy oozes sex appeal. And...it just feels NICE to be in someone's arms who actually knows what's going on).

Came home, Joey wanted to "finish stuff from this morning" and I was like "uh no. i'm going to bed". I'm all for my wifely duty, but not after some stuff (not everything, but stuff) with Chandler, not after having already been through this for months where i felt like a whore doing that, and also because i wasn't able to go through it again and silence the crying...really, how important is sex in a marriage? I want to like it with Joey, i really do, but after this past time and the feeling of absolute misery during it...and him not even finishing (oh thank you, 2 months ago you decided to finish but NOW you don't???? Would have been better if that had happened TWO MONTHS AGO!!!)

I need to keep a physical distance from Chandler...certainly not because i WANT to, but because it defeats the purpose of everything from the past few weeks if i do. It defeats the purpose of what i've put him through, of Joey not having a wife who's mentally all there, and for everything that i've been through...it's just too hard emotionally feeling like i'm constantly betraying two people who love me.

I'm trying to find a support group today, but damn if they're not all bible-based, and that's SO not happening. Even if i thought this was even remotely about religion i'd go, even though it's not my religion. But this isn't about God and I...while I believe in God (very much so), i sort of have this thing that right now he's kind of like "girrrrl...you're on your own with this one. Leave me out of it. " i feel like even God is annoyed at me because of my wallowing, and he's just like "GOD (ha no wait...) SELF...she needs to just figure this out already".

Sigh, just called another one and they're currently only doing one pretty far out. This effing blows. yay for me for doing this abortion in a bible-thumping pro-life stepford wife county.

I found a site that listed typical feelings after an abortion (it was interactive), here's what I listed:

I'll go more into each of these later.

Well i gave in again to eating disorder stuff. Wonderful. Plus now i'm starving as a result, so i'm pretty sure the calories i'm consuming now are more than the ones i ate in the first place.

I can't think. really. I have so much crap to do today. I just want to curl up in a ball.

So back to the feeling stuff, her'es what it's like...17 days later:

Well this is a given. It's not like you can go around telling your entire family. Even with a miscarriage if you don't tell the whole world, you eventually will start telling people. This is going to the grave with me.

This one is hard to explain why. The surgery is over. THe follow-up is over. But now it's like...i'm waiting. For what I don't know. I think it's like if someone committed a heinous crime, it's like waiting in case the cops are going to find you. Even if you're sure they never will, or they close the case, you still forever feel like you're being watched...that you're going to be caught...

It's like, it never feels like this torture is over.

Definitely. I have no problems with abortion, but i never wanted to be in the category of people having them. I don't care if 1 in 3 get them, hell one in four people get herpes but I don't want that either. And that i did this considering for years i bitched about wishing i were pregnant. I'm in my 30s. I'm smarter than this.

Yeah, i feel like Life just beat the sh*t out of me. Life, you win. I concede.

Back to the ashamed thing. I didn't want to be in this category. There's an unbalance in the force: the number of pregnancies vs. the number of children I'll have won't match up, and that was by choice. Like, you wouldn't tell a guy on a first date "oh btw, i had an abortion...in my 30s..."...the guy would be like "i'm outta here, girl is crazzzyyy".
Not that i'm looking to impress any guy, but waht i'm saying is that that's the litmus test.
I don't feel like i have everything to offer like another girl could offer someone, there's a whole row of china dolls but i'm the one with the big chip or hairline crack. What could I have to offer that any of the other perfect and unbroken dolls couldn't do?

This isn't just becuase of the internal angst...my view on abortion itself which i felt passionately about has changed. My view of myself has definitely changed.

Goes with the territory when you feel changed. I don't know how to process all of this.

I feel like up until the searing pain in my hand, i was The Old Me. The instant reality kicked in and i realized this wasn't a dream by the incredible pain, that's when i was no longer the Old Me. I feel like I aged at that moment, and it hardened me...but somehow i'm a weak wimp in the long run.

Yeah. The legs spread, the black noose stirrups for the legs, legs spread with 2 guys in the room, if i think about it too much i start to cry because it's so incredibly humiliating. I cannot believe my girlyparts were just...out there like that. God i wish they had done that when i was sleeping.


Up there with degraded. It was all in secret, not through my insurance (i would have paid cash if i didn't want the air miles), that i was doing something that people did in back alleys with wire hangers. That i didn't know who the father was. That i'm MARRIED and i secretly got an abortion. Who the fuck does that? Who the fuck doesn't know who the father of their child is????? I am straight up a Jerry Springer incident. Had i kept the baby, the first thing it would have had was a paternity test. That's awful. That's just plain awful.

That's what happens when you voluntarily remove something that was in you that brought you meaning and worth.

Before i was exhausted from the hormones. Now, the depression has me exhausted. Trying to act like i'm a normal girl has me exhausted. Pretending things are okay depletes every ounce of energy, let alone trying to do real world stuff like laundry or work.

See the above exhausted part. I'm pretending to be a housewife with a normal life when really i had an abortion because i didn't know who the father was. I feel fake because i'm smiling when really, i wish right now this second i could just bawl like i am on the inside.

Yeah it's safe to say that i'm a bit loco right now. It doesn't take much for me to crack or go postal.

To me, this is that I can't move forward. I feel like i'm stuck in this nightmare.


Not like i felt i had a choice...i really didn't. But that I wanted to be pregnant so badly for years...all of 2008, it became my obsession to get pregnant. And now in 2009, i'm obsessed with what i did to no longer be pregnant.

Yeah this is where your brain gets nutty. Let's not even discuss the nightmares when i'm sleeping. When i'm awake, i get sudden images popping in my head. What it'd be like to be pregnant. What giving birth would be like. What he/she looks like in my arms. Imagining either Chandler or Joey with a baby in their arms (i love Chandler's arms and i stare at them constantly, so that one kind of messed me up). The room that was meant for a baby if we ever had one. Stuff on tv, stuff people say, it's the beating of the telltale heart everywhere i go. I'm so close to just screaming I DID IT.

Same as alone.

I'm jealous of other people who didn't screw up like i did.
I'm jealous of my friends who have kids and the life I want.
I'm jealous of my younger self for being able to make choices based on having the luxury of time...a luxury i no longer have.
I'm even jealous of all the other possible girls Chandler can be with, have babies with them...
I'm jealous of people who seem happy right now.

I definitely long to be pregnant again...to know what it would be like to carry to term...to have it in my arm...

This makes me question everything. Not just my marriage, but even down to my job, my place of residence, my ability to ever be a mother.

Uh yeah definite given. The things that made me happy before...not anymore. Now i'm just a warm body in different environments. Like a cutout doll...place me in a party. Place me cuddling on the couch with Joey. Place me at work. Fake smile, deep down, i'm miserable.

I guess i am, but not very well. See Longing.

I feel like a big ass baby. I'm sure Chandler has his own feelings, and i'm just being an emotional vampire by being all wahh wahh about me. Wanting big hugs makes me needy for sure.

So obsessed with this whole thing. Everythinga bout pregnancy, about the surgery, you name it. I'm even sad that i don't have pregnancy symptoms anymore. WTF IS THAT?! Whywould i be SAD about that when i didn't want that in the first place????

Yeah. Part of being fragile. Everything stings. It's still so fresh.

See broken.


Yes, the beauty of extreme depression is that it breeds narcissism.


This is like the Lost thing. I don't know what to do. I don't know what direction i'm supposed to go in. I don't know anything other than wallowing in self-misery and lself-oathing.

Oh, i replay so many things in my mind. Then i listen to friends' pregnancy and baby stories. Or allthe crap on tv that i watch. I want to rip my brain from my head ot make it STOP.

That's a given. Not only am i physically a fat cow as a result of the depression eating, and how much i feel i've aged, but i just feel like...everything about this is plastered on my person.

Part of the self-torture...i got rid of the only thing that would have been immediate love fromthe start...an unconditional love. It just seems like the love between a newborn and its parents is immediate and...without that option now, i feel like i'm...blah. i can't describe this one. Maybe it's more like, "unlovable".

BIG TIME. I had no idea i'd feel this way.

See Unloved. I feel like the only thing i deserve is to be punished.

Yeahhhh...that's part of Dirty. It's all about me, spread legs, and 2 guys in a room.

See fragile.

See vulnerable.
I'm so weak...everything makes me crack.

That's a given.

10:55 pm

Awesome. I'm trying to catch up on work since i did jack all on Friday/Weekend/Today...Joey comes down wanting to get his mack on since i apparently promised him last night that we'd continue, and he flat out told me resented me, and then flips on me for the current mail situation (which is a whole other beef...when he can't find something, and then i find it exactly where he says he looks, he says "well i don't know how it got there, i didn't put it there, i didn't find it, etc"...uhhh well you looked hours ago, i didn't go in that room, i then find it...did the cats put it there? i put the mail in the EXACT same spot every time, don't then say "i didn't open this"...i didn't open your bill, that was you, MONTHS ago, not my fault you didn't go through them and now you wnat to blame me for your bill magically being opened???)

he knew i had anxiety yesterday

I'm not at a point where i can be a "wife" right now...i'm struggling just to not slit my wrists...and now in turn i'm resenting him, when really i should be happy i have a husband who wants to spend time with me. I just want to be left alone. By everyone.

16 Days Later - still have issues


Today i've had cramps...not horribly bad, but not light either.

Last night, halloween party, trying to smile and act fun, when deep down: no, i'm not fun. I'm not me. I did something really bad. Not just the abortion, the secrets that i've had for over a year now. Not being able to reconcile the stuff in my head and heart vs. my real life. Having this second life of sorts, which i did growing up and it took its toll on me...and now, that way again.

Came home around 1, was EXHAUSTED. Joey wanted to get his mack on, despite my rushing to change into sweats, glasss, etc...i brushed him off...then this morning i had this horrible guilt, the last time we did ANYTHING (including kissing) was the time that i possibly conceived in September. it's November now. If i'm gonna make a true effort to feel like i made an effort, that includes wifely duties liking making my husband not feel like he's in the friend bucket.

I'm not going ot go into details of anything other than: during an act that may or may not have happened, i started crying midway. Now i've cried during intimate moments with the odd guy (well...3...and most of the times was with Chandler, but that's also 'cause of the emotional connection that we had and i guess i'm psychotic and cried, but it was towards the end when it was over)...but this was different. This was sheer misery. Thinking about the abortion, about how i desperately want a child but i avoid sex with him like the plague. That i wait just long enough in between that when we do, i forget how sh*tty it is.

Thing is, Joey dind't have his contacts in and he's blind as a bat. Plus when you're hair is all over hte place, and you can sort of turn the crying into other sounds...I wish I could explain what i felt at that moment. Sort of like a feeling of....extreme absolute misery with no end in sight.

what have i done with my life?


The answer to all depression: sleeping. I could sleep forever these days. Before i was tired because I was pregnant...it was a different kind of tired. Like i just never got enough sleep. This kind of tired is different...this is old skool depression, lethargy, disinterest in life.



Sundays depress me after 12:00pm. Because I know that i have to get ready for work, what with all the work I haven't done in ages. Stuff that i should have done months ago but was dealing with Chandler drama, my own personal depression, then October 4th: the pregnancy...it's one thing to scrape by with work it's another when you're flat out sinking. I...am sinking. I meant to do a ton of stuff today but the VPN is super slow, and i can't think. I straight up CAN'T THINK.

For 5 weeks, my life had meaning. Not the meaning I wanted...but it had meaning. Well i shoudln't even say not the one i wanted...i just....wish I had known who i would have shared that meaning with.

15 Days Later - recovery begins?

(lovely. i started to get emotional and wanted to write in here, and right when i did that Joey came up, started talking to me, kissing my forehead with his overly-unshaven face which huurrrts, and now had hopped in the shower. Seriously...ALL day he was downstairs playing video games, NOW he has to come up? When i need to cry and unload???)

1:20 pm

Now that the follow-up is over, it's like the only things that remained as evidence of my surgery are now gone...now it's all in my mind.

My appointment was at 2 yesterday, got there around 1:45 with Chandler. No wireless, poor guy had brought his laptop. The tv this time wasn't airing the history of Afro-Cuban music...it was Maury Povich and some woman who's husband took a lie detector test and showed he got all sorts of STDs from cheating with over 10 women.

I saw the girl from 2 weeks ago who had the horrible MGD tattoo behind her neck and lip piercings. It's funny how different people look when they're not wearing jogging pants and the look of "i'm having an abortion" on their face.

I filled out some more paperwork, then waited...waited...I was freaking out about something due at work, I managed to barely access my work email through the teenie web interface on my phone.

I peed in a cup at one point, then went back and waited, waited. Some lady was having some sort of hissy fit about something, and CHandler was being a smart-ass about her a bit loud...having him there actually did make me feel better. I guess I was weirded out a bit because when I had been there waiting, it was early on a Friday morning with a room full of chicks waiting for surgery. On a Friday afternoon for a follow-up, it suddenly morphed into a normal clinic.

So they called me back, and I was stuck in a room for an hour with a ton of women just WAITING. Then they got backlogged and women had to be sent back to the office. Chandler doesn't have a cell right now, so I couldn't text him to tell him to go grab something to eat, i felt awful knowing he was starving. Nor could I text his email since there was no internet in the lobby.

After talking a bit with the girls in there, i figured out the situation: friday mornings = surgical abortions. Friday midday = medical (pill) and follow-ups. The obnoxious loud girl was complaining about how the only reason she got the medical abortion was because no one, not even her husband, could pick her up 'cause no one would leave work. I acted understanding, but geezus chr1st, if a friend of mine needed a ride after an abortion i'd take an effing day off work.

This room was the same room i was in where I had to change and get my blood pressure taken. They had built some sort of wall around the lady's desk, so the other girls couldn't hear anything although really, you could. At this point I was suicidedly bored. Was texting Rachel like crazy, along with another friend who had an abortion at the same place (but obviously she has no idea i ever got an abortion). I get called up to the little desk with faux wall. The lady there is this old lady who was adorable, but slow as molasses and clearly the reason for the bottleneck.

She told me that the pregnancy test came up negative but that my "ppos was 2" or something like that, and i'm like "2? 2 what? what does that mean?" and she tells me that the ultrasound chick will tell me. Oh earlier I had ran into the ultrasound chick in the hallway, and I thanked her for being so great 2 weeks, that she had made the experience much better.

((Joey just came out of the shower, which means now i'm distracted and I can't fully unload. Argh. ))

The adorable old lady then tells me i can start taking baths, use tampons, and have sex (which made me cringe...it's like your grandmother telling you that you can have sex). OH at various points during the day they tried to talk to me aobut birth control, i suppose i could have gotten a month of pills for free but really i wanted to say "no sex. ever. again.", instead i lied and said "i'm going to get BC pills from my regular doctor" which shut them up.

FINALLY...i get to the ultrasound. As it turns out, after 5 weeks it's supposed to be like 5 grams of tissue taken out, but there was only 2 grams (or whatever measuring unit, i only remember the numbers). So that's why i had to do the ultrasound, so they could double check they got it all.

So she checked, took all of 20 seconds. She asked if i had questions, i was like "nope, you've got a lot more girls in there you need to see".

I got out...the lobby was empty. Looked for Chandler, he was outside, LIVID at the receptionist for ignoring him when he had questions (plus they kept saying i'd be out, uh yeah for hours?)

Felt awful.

Oh they told me if I don't get my period by Dec 16th, i should call them. I was afraid i'd forget but that's one of my best friend's birthdays.

After leaving Chandler (and him making a valid point regarding us, despite my bawling, he was absolutely correct in his storming off...I got too close again after going over last Saturday, and it's dicking him around.) it's like my fickle superficial life began. As it always does. Plaster the smile, act like stuff that doesn't matter...does.

Went and bought DJ Hero and Guitar Hero with Joey, watched some tv and tried to not cry at every baby something-or-other commercial.

Today is another superficial day. Going to a friend's yearly halloween party. Oh which of two slutty costumes will i wear despite feeling super fat and no desire to be slutty, sexy, whatever.

I'm kind of getting a kick out of some of the bible passages people are writing to me. I don't disrespect it...i think it's sweet that people who are religious still look to my welfare vs. flipping on me for killing life. I also am fascinated with people's abilities to memorize the Bible. That being said, my religion doesn't knock abortions (at least, early trimesters)...the idea is that if life can't sustain on it's own, then it's not life technically. Which is why if i'm on life support, pull the plug when my eyebrows need plucking again and/or my upper lip needs waxing. Whichever comes first. Still...my point is, it's kinda nice that no matter what people's belief systems are and that i'm a complete stranger, everyone's been nice instead of berating me for this decision.

I was a bit weepy earlier, but now i'm doing okay. Maybe...it'll be okay?



And here i thought i was cool. Catching up on old Desperate Housewives, Susan telling Lynette how despite 9 months of puking and screaming when that gift arrives....a baby is a gift.


Just bawling at the thought of something that would have been part of me, coming out of me, loving unconditionally.

A little hand reaching for it's mother.


I feel like a fat ugly horrible person. It's a bizarre type of guilt. I know i had to do it...that wasn't even debatable. But then why do i still feel so awful, and miss something that wasn't mine to keep?

14 Days Later - follow up apt


Mother effing morning.

I couldn't find my key fob rushingi nto work for an 8am meeting, had to get a temp one, then when i got in my office i found mine, then jetted to grab a sub and left both at my desk.

Talked it out with Chandler last night. Damn if he and I aren't extremes...when it's good, it's mind blowingly awesome...when it's bad, we're world war 3.

My follow-up is today, i know for sure i have to do a pregnancy test but I don'tk now what else is part of it, like a pap?

I had to remember to shave my legs/bikini area today...i haven't done that in 2 weeks. Note to self, buy new razors.

I also inspected myself...all physical signs are gone. The marks from the cardio sticker doodads on my chest, the rhogam injection site, both spots on my arms where blood was taken or the IV went in, and most of all the back of my hand (it's a little bit darker than my other hand, but only if i stare hard enough. it will always look different now to me).

It's funny how to they go over so much physical post-op stuff with you, they never told me anything about counseling or anything else. No one told me it would be THIS bad. I always thought girls who were forced or coerced into it were the ones that felt bad. I never thought that simply it not being an option was bad enough, especially when you're in your 30s and you DO want kids...

And it's your first pregnancy...Maybe when you already have kids, and you're already a mom, that's one thing and other issues i suppose...but to never have been a mom but for 5 weeks...i was a mother...i had effing life inside of me...i had something that would have been half of me and someone i love (uh who exactly i don't know) and they would have ran around and been a little Mini Me...that's pretty mind-blowing.

If i think too much about how i was a mother, even temporary, i go berserk.

Yesterday was definitely a bad day in the emotional department. Really bad. I'm hoping today maybe it will be better. Everything still feels so fake. This weekend's big halloween party...everyone's all excited about it, it's our friend's yearly bash...but inside I DONT CARE. I have a bunch of costumes to pick from, everyone keeps asking me, and deep down i'm like "whatever fits this fat gut because of all the eating you've done".

So i ateduring the pregnancy 'cause i was crazy starving, then i dropped a bit...now i've gained purely from eating out of depression (as she bites into her footlong buffalo chicken ranch sub).

I have a ton of crap due at noon for a coworker, at least i'll have a distraction till my appointment this afternoon.


I feel like a little baby who's doing a big girl task. I don't WANNA go to the follow-up!

Really, I'm pretty sure in "real" life i seem relatively competent. Inside though, it seems like i'm always struggling to catch up. My mental to-do list is never ending.

Chandler was sweet and offered to go with me today, which i hope it's not a bad thing that i asked him in the end to come...i normally do this crap alone (hell, i REALLY wanted to drive myself to/from there, stupid rules...), but i'm afraid of having a massive breakdown and if he's there, the breakdown will be kept to a minimum.

Leaving now.

13 Days Later - baby daddy drama

3:05 pm

I'm sitting here my heart racing at some words from Chandler...drama drama...when that guy can hurt, he's the stealthest ninja ever...you don't even realize you've been sliced and cut till he's already gone.

The only thing that stopped me from curling up in a ball at my desk was this that a friend sent me at the perfect time, God bless her:

Seriously. God bless her.

Yesterday was a bad day. Bad. Very bad. As in, I gave into an eating disorder habit that I've fought constantly to get over. Why did I get the one disorder that you still need in moderation...today sitting here struggling with not repeating it.

Probablyt he same for other addictions, that when you do it once or twice it's AWESOME...last night, i felt better after. I did. Straight up. Which makes it all too easy to do it again. Considering i feel puffy, fat, ugly, disgusting, it would be so easy to just keep eating and eating to try and numb everything.

I just want to be numb. The pain from all of this is so incredibly unbearable. It's not just the abortion, is the jacked up relationship with Chandler as well, the combo of the two is just ripping me apart. And i know he feels like he has nothing to offer me, when he has no idea that being there this past weekend was what stopped me from walking off the ledge.

Feeling like someone was there with arms, a kiss on the forehead, whispers that its okay...everything is okay to feel...

Which is the hardest part i guess. Growing up that feeling is bad...and i felt for so long with Joey that i couldn't feel, because everytime I spoke it resulted in something being broken (including my spirit). And then feeling the same from Chandler...damn I must purposely put myself in this situation, i must gravitate it...focusing on his needs and all of his problems with me, the laundry list, every day waking up to a message of the next thing i did wrong...right down to not guessing correctly what id id wrong...

I don't have the energy post-abortion for anything anymore. Relationships, etc. I'm struggling to keep my job (since it's been almost a month that i've been dealing with this). In the past month i've pretty much alienated myself from most of my friends, most having given up on me, others being all "uh wassup you haven't replied to anything in weeks".

I'm a selfish bitch for being wrapped up in all of this, for wanting to put myself up in a virtual blanket coccoon vs. the world, instead of focusing on everyone else's needs...i want to, i do, i swear i want to not be this asshole...but i just physically can't.

My heart feels like a big block of lead. The thought of lifting it exhausts me.

Actually, everything exhausts me. And it's my own fault, for having gone to Chandler this past weekend, feeling those arms around me comforting me...because now i know what it's like and what i want, but i can't have.

Do you know what it's like to feel incredible pain but have to smile and suck it up? it hurts. it's hard. The only times i can pull it off is when i can run to my car, drive it somewhere, then cry for like 5 mins, then snap out of it so i can drive back to work. Inside, right now, i'm a bawling disaster...on the outside, i'm trying to swallow the lump in my throat, my leg is twitching, and i've got tears in my eyes, every muscle stiff and and tense. This is how it is...at home, at work...i wanted it to not be that way around Chandler...well, i should know better. And i don't fault him...i'm the one who gravitated towards him. I'm the one that allowed this.

Truthfully, I feel so incredibly worthless. And i had something that made me...worthy...and i got rid of it. Like i had some sort of prom queen crown. It wasn't mine to have...but giving it up, it's like the light that was on me is gone and i'm left in some dark corner, back to being this unspecial worthless waste of space.

Okay that is seriously emo kid-quality right there. GOD i can't even be original when i'm wallowing in misery and pain.

can someone please tell Chandler to stop messaging my phone...i never ONCE accused him of being the cause of my drinking, not once...that's the 3rd time in a day he's accused me of something i didn't say, at least the other times i could copy/paste and show what i wrote...how do you tell someone you love that their words are like daggers? Sigh, i'm not innocent though, and it's my selfishness that keeps HIM on this leash too, because teh thought of him being with someone else, when he loves...he gives his entire heart. The thoughto fhim having a kid with someone else...i would be so, so happy for him because he would be ecstatic...but of course the selfish bitch in me would be so, so bitter.

Tomorrow...tomorrow it'll be over. The last of the appointments. The last pregnancy test. The last time someone who's NOT my doctor checks my girly parts.

I haven't shaved my bikini area since the surgery, i don't really care since sex is the last thing i want (despite this replacement baby feeling...and that Saturday, somehow i wanted to literally rape Chandler i've never felt that intense before, he really would have had no choice if i didn't stop myself)...i feel as attractive as a bloated baby beluga.

So where are we almost two weeks later? Well it felt super bad at first, plus those stupid pads didn't help. Then i got a reprieve, maybe 'cause i had Chandler to turn to, and now we're back to feeling disgusting, self-hatred, definite thoughts of suicide or at least, self-harming behaviors. Oh, and ability to concentrate = 0.

I sit here at work, wondering what the point is. Then i think how if i had something to look forward to at home and something that i had to keep my job for in order to protect and take care of, then i'd haul ass all day. Man, my 8 hours would be productive. But now...what's the point? Seriously, what the fuck is the point? Somehow my entire body for the past few years has wanted nothing else but a child, something to make the years of staying in my parents' violent household till i was 23 worth it, studying something mind-numbingly boring worth it, the suffering in a place that will never feel like home to me, fighting the eating disorder, the daily grind of jobs that amazingly transitioned to a career...something to make it all worth it.

The problem is that when you feel like your life doesn't have much meaning, then there's not much point in keeping it around.

Joey is going out tonight. I so badly want to down a bottle of pills and just forget. I want something that will remove this hurt.

Last night I had to go out with joey because I felt bad over the weird way i've been acting. And while it was pleasant, it wasn't some fancy romantic date night. In order to ensure that he wouldn't even THINK about sex, when we got on a topic about WW2 i kept pushing something that i knew drove him nuts (he's very, very pro-America...whereas i tend to think like...well...the rest of the world...since i'm from another country, parents from other countries, that reps from 3 countries vs. his biased american view...come ON...and i didn't even say i was right, my argument was "maybe there's another perspective that's all")...

I'm not happy being with joey. I wasn't happy with Chandler. Is the problem me? If that's the case, then i'm just going to suck it the fuck up and just plow through life or off myself.

MY GOD...years of therapy and self-improvement efforts down the drain.

I feel like i committed the worst crime ever.

Sh*t i cant' breathe. going outside. it's not even 4. don't cry again. don't.



i am NOT doing okay.

i mean, really not okay.

words of "you are selfish as hell" repeating in my head

ninja he is indeed. Trying to tell myself that of one thing people have told me, it's that i'm NOT selfish, i'm not selfish enough, that i give a lot fo myself to my friends...

i already felt like a selfish asshole for taking up 3 days since the surgery to talk his ear off about the pain i was in.

i am selfish as hell...i can't seem to shake everything that i'm feeling off of me, and it's all "me me me" right now as a result. And i'm so effing weak...someone could say they don't like my shoes and i'd probably jump off a cliff. Everything since the abortion has made me weak. I want my shields back, right now i'm faking that i have them.

What if i never get those shields back. It's been 13 days since the abortion and just from the stuff i've been around i know i'm definitely not as strong as i once was.


sigh. i guess that really is it with Chandler. peace offerings and olive branches get swearing and nit picking over him saying pluralization of texts (of which, he messaged me to my phone. I can't send a text to his IM first, i need something to reply to, and he sent 5, i didn't reply to them all...so don't make it sound like i "keep" messaging when YOU initiated it!!! and my last one was a peace offering, since when is THAT bad???)

i'm more than just sick and tired of needing fucking permission from fucking men to fucking FEEL SOMETHING. everything right nwo FEELS TOO MUCH. I just want to fucking numb everything.

I actually went outside and contemplated checking myself into a hospital. But i don't know how that works..."hi, i'm thinking i'm going to down a bunch of shit so help me?"...that's retarded.

I just need to stop everything that's been hurting since the 16th.
This is so fucking isolating.

If i'm going to be home alone tonight, then i really am scared for what i'm going to do.

12 Days Later - cramps? Still? Really?

1:30 pm

Mild cramping this morning.

The medical clinic called and said that they need to reschedule my follow-up appointment to this Friday, instead of Monday, which is SO much better. I just want that chapter closed. I never want to see that clinic again. Plus the girl who called me sounded so much like a moron I thought it was a prank call. She did the "i'm here to call about your appointment...regarding the visit you had on the 16th...." trying to be all stealth.

A comment left here: I think about having a baby ALL THE TIME. But it is because I am 31 and ready. Not because I want to replace the baby (babies??) I aborted. I get jealous of young people who seem to have it so easily, those people who don't even seem to think about it and pop out kids like it is no big deal. And I am jealous of my 25 year old self to be able to have that choice.

This nails it. Being in your 30s, looking back on yourself years later wondering wtf you were thinking, thinking you had all the time in the world, that you want to enjoy your selfish years while you can. I didn't get anything out of those years, i didn't go to Italy like i've always wanted, I didn't go on crazy benders (not any more than my friends with kids), I didn't do jack. All that time that could have been spent building a family. And people say that they want to "enjoy" years of marriage, etc before having kids...whatever. I wish now i had cranked them out while things were still good, when the act of making babies was fun and enjoyable.

Thanks to some stuff Chandler did 2 weeks ago, Joey is in freakout mode...last night i got drilled about secrets and him feeling bad. Which then leads me to have to spend a ton of time with him and all that. Which a wife should do. Just right now, I want to curl up in a ball on the bed and read Real Simple/Wired/InStyle and let my brain be distracted for awhile...alone.

GOD please don't let him want to do stuff tonight.

I want to be married to him...i want us to have fun again...i just don't care to be physical with him.

I don't know if that's because things really aren't good, or if it's because I'm NOT one to do multiple dudes, and being with Chandler i feel loyalty to him when being physical, so much that when my husband leans over to kiss me, i feel guilty. That's jacked up. I need to know: does it make me cringe because i wish i were with Chandler, or does it make me cringe because we just aren't compatible, period?

I'm an evil, evil person.

Today's crying session almost started when i was driving to get my haircut at lunch. Really it just stemmed from not being happy. Happy people don't get abortions (do they?).

I know we work to live, but where i live is very expensive and the insurances required to keep where i live, and thus, really i'm living to work.

An abortion definitely puts your life in perspective.

3:10 pm

So one thing that was important to me before all this drama was to learn to just speak your mind rather than bottle things in, letting them fester, letting them grow in size, creating resentment. To just say if something hurts you, and if the person doesn't like it well..you said it at least. How they react is their problem.

Tried that today with Chandler over some stuff from last night. made the mistake of actually providing an example when he asked. Silly silly me. It got turned into stuff i wasn't doing, how he wishes he heard praise, etc. Not even addressing the original concern. And the killer part is that he always says how he doesn't want people hiding things for months and him not knowing, how "just tell me!"...how he doesn't want me to tiptoe or be afraid to speak to him...unsure why I have all this stuff i've never told him out of fear...

His reply is exactly why. And it's exactly why I was unhappy, and why it wouldn't work out. It was a great wakeup call.

While I appreciated him listening to me about the abortion, and it helped me tremendously, it's pretty clear that I need to clam up and take it from here alone. I don't have the emotional bandwidth to handle this abortion crap combined with having to tiptoe and repress anytime i'm hurt. Even as a friend.

It seems that the men in my life over the years are only interested in things when they're good, or if they're crappy then crappy about something unrelated to them. If there was ever a commonality in the types of guys i've dated/married, that's one of them. The white knight type that promises to kiss all the pains away and take care of things...but oh, the fine print exclusions say nothing that involves THEM unless i'm willing to subject myself to more heartache.

I read his email while i was on a super important conference call trying to learn a new product that has a very tight deadline (in 2 weeks), the instant i read his reply i just stared at the screen...my eyes welling up...couldn't even take notes anymore on the conference call.

The problem with telling people you had an abortion is that there's a tremendous amount of vulnerability you are putting in their hands. And maybe it's not their fault, it's not like they have a ton of experience with this type of thing. To me, it feels like someone close to me in my family died. I'm in a fog, in disbelief, i don't even know if it's hit me that this has happened.

Sometimes I feel numb, othertimes i feel like i'm a rush for something...like right now. My heart is POUNDING. I feel this incredible sense of dread and doom.

Trying so hard not to have a meltdown at work today. I feel like i'm gonna be sick.

3:50 pm

GOD is it any wonder I firmly believe he loves me but doesn't actually like me.

Anyway, this blog isn't about the relationships with either potential baby daddies.

it's about the abortion, which wtf today is REALLY fucking with my head. I thought i was maybe on the up and up yesterday. Turns out, not so much. I feel like an emotional basket case, trying desperately not to let the tears that are welling up in my eyes not spill out over my face, a coworker came in and i had to not blink once in order to make sure those tears didn't pour out.

4:39 pm

Okay really...i'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I don't know why this feeling of pending doom and anxiety is overtaking me, to this extreme.

Going to attempt to bawl all i can before Joey comes home, since i told him we could do dinner and if i seem distant, we'll have a problem.

I feel like a puppet to everyone right now.


I didn't get a chance to call the local support group for this stuff, I was IMing Chandler for an hour and then they closed. Maybe it's too soon to go to a support group for this type of thing? I just want to be proactive in getting over this. I don't know if that's pushing too hard to get through this OR is it good to try and take care of this relatively early on.

I want this dark cloud that follows me to go away. The burden of this guilt is incredible. And it's guilt for something that i CHOSE, and sadly i know it was the right decision, so why do i feel so damn sh*tty about it?

Those phantom pains...it's so odd.

I had a biological clock before...now it's on overdrive. I have this incredible yearning to hold a baby right now.

I made the mistake of looking at my "perfect" friend's family portraits online...she's gorgeous, her husband's pretty good looking (well, he's not aging well...he was hot in highschool), their absolutely stunning daughter...the yearning to have that almost ripped my heart apart today.

11 Days Later - Emo Kid Attitude

9:42 am

I feel like a whiny-ass emo kid. "Oh the world is such a dark and horrible place wah wah whoa is me". But it's how i'm feeling, and i'm not trying very hard to NOT feel this way.

11 days later, I got choked up this morning driving to work. Just about the isolation really, nothing specific. The cramps are super minor at this point (knock on wood). The antibiotic prescription I had was for 7 days, but i've started taking my tetracycline prescription (which i got for breakouts) to make sure that whatever is going on inside isn't going to get infected. I've had 2 fevers since the surgery and it really freaked me out.

Last night's nightmare was about Michelle Obama. I guess I was trying to act cool in front of her but instead I made a fool of myself. And you've seen her face...that girl could stare anyone down and make them cry. She's intense.

I was hoping just a night of watching Mad Men on DVD with Joey would suffice for any quality time and distract from my demeanor, but apparently not: before going to sleep Joey started asking me why i was so distant, what was wrong, how i shuoldn't keep secrets (all of this stemming from some crappy actions that Chandler did 2 weeks ago), etc. I felt awful. This isn't his fault. He deserves a wife who isn't wrapped up in her own world. And i can't keep using anxiety as my excuse. So i tried my best to suck it up and ask him about work, etc, but trying to feign interest in anything right now is like asking me to do one of those strongman competitions. After 2 barrels, my entire body is depleted of anything and I just want to collapse into a heap on the floor.

Plus i'm worried every time he hugs me, etc, that he's going to want some. i want NOTHING right now, i want to numb every part of me. let alone that i CANT do anything anyway, but even if i could i think i would just lay there and pray for it to be over. Ever since i became pregnant, i've felt dissociated from myself physically.

It's weird too, laying on the couching watching the DVD, he'd rub my arm, reach my hand, etc, and i'm just so used to Chandler's skin it's like the difference between someone who's done hard labor their whole life vs. someone who gets a paraffin hand treatment each night. Joey's skin is softer than mine, and it actually kind of creeps me out. Like a girl is holding my hand or something. I dunno, I guess i just like my men...more manly. I wonder how much of the soft skin thing is because Joey has lowered testosterone? To feel safe, i need rough guy arms around me, nothing delicate.

And now i'm the biggest asshole because this is the stuff I think about. I have a husband who loves me and WANTS to be there for me, who sends me Tiffany's to my work to surprise me, and all I want to do is lock myself in my room like a teenager and cry over how much I hate my life.

On the other side of the spectrum is Chandler, and his email this morning to me is so ridiculously sweet it's slathered in sugar.

You are the most important person in my life.

If I could choose to do 1 thing everyday for the rest of my life, it would be to lay down to sleep next to everynight and know you were happy I was there.

But Id give that up, along with all of my wishes and dreams to be able to take away the pain that you are feeling now.
Anything you need from me. some help running errands.....maybe just to listen...or to..to give you a hug...come see me


You'd think having two wonderful-but-in-different-ways guys loving you would be fantastic, but really I feel like i'm screwing them both over of what htey want. I don't feel worthy. And I wasn't happy for years in my marriage with Joey, but I also wasn't happy for the past while with Chandler. I felt like i was desperate to make THEM happy. And when you're that close to two guys, things start to overlap. The number of times that Chandler would say something that he told me he liked or wanted, and i'd be like "really? since when?" only 'cause i'd have his needs confused with Joey's needs. Or in a fight with Joey, i'd reach out the way I reach out for Chandler in fights, but that's a huge no-no. Eventually I just wished for a mental cheat-sheet for each of them, I could no longer keep track of what was right in one situation vs. another. Imagine two jobs, two different employers two different sets of rules...

After the abortion, i just couldn't handle it anymore. The one i'm in now is the one i'm in, period. And i'm not pursuing another one until this oen is over. And if i'm too scared to truly follow through (sort of wish i had a year ago when i said it, now i'm just another year older) then that's tough luck for me.

I have a 2 hour company-wide meeting in half an hour, and i want nothing more right now than to run ot my car and start bawling.

Today probably won't shape up to be a good day.

1:52 pm

Sigh, today has been a pointless day. As are all days, really. I'm so over life.

I just spent 10 mins on the phone with my friend's other bridesmaid who recently gave birth chatting about C-sections. Fortunately she's funny ("I'd rather get my belly cut than that spot down south if ya know what i mean! f*ck that sh*t!") but still...the word "pregnant" makes my heart absolutely stop.

When you're pregnant, you have something to look forward to. Being pregnant but not having anything to look forward to...maybe if the instant you got the surgery the symptoms left too it'd be one thing but because you still have pregnancy symptoms even a week later, it really effs with your psyche. Like your body is preparing for a housewarming but doesn't know there's no guests. Your body has no idea that you'd stripped it of the fetus/embryo. So it's still cooking, cleaning, folding new sheets all in prep for a guest that never arrives.

Oh geezus i did NOT just imagine whatever they sucked/scraped out of me in some jar for testing/analysis, and then later burning with other hazardous medical waste.

I can feel "replacement baby syndrome" kicking in. That's not a good sign.


Someone posted asking if they can post the link to this blog on another site, here was my reply:
lol "Placenta Sandwich"...that's awesome.

Don't apologize for the long comment, it's not like i have that many people to talk about this to so any positive comments are a Godsend!

And fo' sho, you can post this blog tot he list. I can't imagine it being all that useful considering I wallow like i'm a Twilight Bella Wannabe, but go for it!

This whole experience has drained me both emotionally and physically. It's not even 3pm and I'm wiped. I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep. And forget.

It seems there's two branches of extremists out there when it comes to people who've had it done.
You have the types that do it, it sucks, but you get over it. I guess in those cases it helps if the reason you can't is really, really strong (like risk of your health, child's health, you and your spouse both agree that it's just not something the whole family can handle, you're 16 and your parents would put you in a body bag like mine would have).

Then there's the types who obsess to the point of remember the day of the abortion, the day it would have been born, naming it, etc. There's no way in hell i'm coming up with a name. I briefly for a day when I believed it would have been a boy I thought "Connor", not because i would have named him that, but that ws the name of Scott Peterson's unborn son when he killed Lacy and the morbidity of the whole thing just stuck with me. You won't see me saying "mommy loves you" autosignatures, etc.

I'mn ot knocking those who do, i'm just saying, there seems to be extremes even within the "club" of people who've had abortions.

What about those of us in the middle...those that know we didn't really have much choice butw e sorta still did, that we're gripping with the guilt of doing something we thought we were okay with, and that we're trying as best we can to be cool cats amidst the internal anguish?

I don't know what i'm babbling about anymore. I want to get out and drink.

Summary of abortion feeling

The feeling you have after an abortion is of complete isolation.

I feel so alone. I wish someone else was on this island of isolation with me.

10 Days Later - Dreaming is bad

It's been 10 days. As Chandler said, it feels like months ago.

I had a dream last night that would be amazing for some. To me, it was a nightmare.

I was in a big room, kind of like what a highschool or college lab would look like, with little workstations with sinks and people with labcoats everywhere. I was giving birth, and as it turns out, i was having twins. I was just laying on one of the workstation countertops. For the second baby, i was having an out-of-body experience, like iw as still on the countertop but I was also standing next to me, holding the second baby. I was premature with both, they were so tiny. And the second one was breathing or moving. And i stood there, praying for it to open it's eyes up, but then I also thought "well, at least I havea nother anyway" Then it's eyes opened and it started coughing. Its hand looked all jacked up, and I asked the doctor about it. (the british asian/singaporian doc from Mercy, whose pic i can't find online amazingly) She said something about some sort of condition the babies had. Then she told me I had to start getting a ton of calcium.

So I get up and start wandering around trying to find milk, it's like a mix of my previous jobs and highschool all mixed into one. I saw this chick Michelle that i used to work with, as well as Melinda who I went to highschool with. And outside was this big cooler, the kinds used to store flowers but it was like a vending machine. So i was still wearing just the little paper outfit you get in surgery and I hopped into it, and was digging around trying to find stuff with calcium. Some guy came in, and I had to tell him I was looking for all the milk.

Then I realized I should probably start telling people I had babies, like it was weird. I was shy to tell people. Wondering if they cared or what they would think. People were congratulating me, but in the way as if you tell people that you just won $100 in a scratcher or bought a used car. Mild interest. And then someone told me I was the 9th person from HS to have a kid (like not that many people had), and i was like "WHAt are you talking about?!" and i listed everyone i knew with kids. Then I realized I had to find Joey, because he wasn't with me when i gave birth. I found him, and he was crying over something, I don't remember what. And i was like "hey...where were you...i've been trying to get a hold of you...i gave birth" and he had some sort of excuse, and I was like "seriously...just leave your effing cell phone on!".

Then I went back to the college-looking lab room to find the doctor, and she pulled me aside to lecture me that I had said something earlier that offended her. And i didn't remember what I said, nor did I get what the problem was when I said it, but I just nodded and apologized.
This for sure is a carryover from one time that Chandler lectured me for something that offended him and I was so stunned, it was the night I told him i was in love with him, and I just nodded and apologized but I really didn't understand why but I knew if i said that, he'd flip out and iw as wayyyyy too vulnerable to risk that.

Needless to say, that dream really fucked me up.

It also fucks me up that when I was in highschool and I read about palm reading and I read that the number of lines on the side of your hand meant how many kids you had, and I had 2 strong lines but one faint one, and I told my friends "I guess i'll have 3 kids but one will die". Thanks Younger Self for making that come true.

A comment I received on this blog:
Thank you for being so brutally honest about this. Thank you for sharing this. It's releiving to know someone else is out there with this fucked up set of unexpected emotions.

I'm humbled that people actually read this, and that no one's given me some pro-life lecture. And brutally honest is the only way I know how to handle this, in "real" life I have a smile plastered to my face...this is one of the few rare spots (other than unloading to Chandler and Rachel) that i can't just unload so I don't go around like a ticking time bomb. But if this helps anyone else out there, then i'm definitely glad.

Last night, had some more cramping. I feel like such a douche for bitching about it, like it's not THAT bad, it's more just...odd...because I rarely get cramps so getting them in general is weird.


2:10 pm

Everything seems like i'm sleepwalking or in a trance. People speak to me, and my usual reply is "huh? What?"

I just want to know that everything physically is at least back to normal. If i think about it too much i start to get upset...the thought of "scraping". It makes me shiver. The thought of some dude being in there scraping "curettage" while i'm completely knocked out.

This past weekend I spent time with Chandler, talking about stuff, and it actually was crazy therapeutic. It meant a ton when i tried to tell him how i feel like i need to be punished for this and he just looked at me with that look of his and told me to just stop, that i've punished myself enough, to view this from a different perspective...maybe that just wasn't the time for this one, and it didn't have consciousness so maybe this one will be in the next round. Interesting perspective.

I just have to be careful...otherwise i'm defeating hte purpose of saying it's over and that i need to know what's what with my marriage. I'm not falling back into the cycle we were in.

I just can't shake this feeling that I got rid of something that would give my life meaning. I seriously feel like nothing more than warm body on this earth. I'm a drone, but i don't feel like a drone...i WANT to feel like a drone. Being a drone but not feeling like one hurts.

And i don't want to be a member of this club that i'm now in.

Repeating in my head is the word "mother"...i was a mother. This body had the potential to have something GROWING inside of it. It felt very odd and alien at the time. Like "wtf can i start making milkshakes and pizza too? am i baby takeout machine?"...but now, it's kind of like, holy crap...that is incredibly POWERFUL, to be able to create and grow a baby inside of you, another human being...that's an incredible powerful thing that guys will never experience.

Oh, and apparently, neither will I now.


Went to Target today, had to avoid looking at the baby section as i walked by it. And then I was in the book section (picked up Kathy Griffin's latest one...i need a good laugh) and naturally there's a TON of books on pregnancy all popping out at me.

I so badly just want someone to hug me and tell me it'll be okay. I want someone to tell me that this won't haunt me forever, that sh*t happens, that i did the best of a not-so-idea situation, that i made an okay judgment call, that ultimately:

I'm not pure evil or scum of society for what I did.

I can't stop feeling like i'm pure dirt. No, mixed dirt. Even worse.

5:15 pm

And this is where the tears for today starts. Was IMing Chandler, and i made a wallowing stupid comment about the abortion, he didn't get it, and i kept having to explain it, and I really just wanted to STOP the conversation, i wanted him to say "ah whatever crazy lady i don't get it but whatever", i didn't want to have to explain for 10 mins the whole thread again, why the one quip tied into something else, how i said it becuase i was feeling sorry for myself...

Like i get riled up REALLY easily as a result of all of it, and I already feel like i'm not entitled to feeling what I feel. I get he just wanted to understand the thread, but having to repeat things on the topic, and just feeling like i have to explain why i said what i said means to me that i have to defend what i said and why i feel what i feel.

I feel like dirt. that's what i feel like. I feel like a stupid teenage kid who didn't know vaseline breaks down latex or that you can get pregnant having sex standing up. I feel like I was smarter at 16 than I was about this. I feel humiliated that teenagers protect themselves better than I did. I feel humiliated that I spread my legs so someone can go in and "scrape". I feel humiliated that I had to dress like Patient X in blue. I feel humiliated that I had to wear effing pads last week.

I feel humiliated that I had to go along for the ride of whatever my body was going through.

I felt like a rag doll the instant the test came up positive. That i was just following the direction of whatever everyone else was throwing me, even if that was just a silent voice of what i should or shouldn't do. I don't feel like i did this for me, i did it for what would have been my kid, I did it to spare a lot of other people everything from financial hardship to heartbreak to family embarrassment. I felt pushed and pulled in so many ways. Right down to what clinic to go to was like this one, no that one, no back to this one...

I feel humiliated for being a rag doll, a stupid irresponsible rag doll who risked other people's futures because i screwed up the burden of responsibility and birth control that was on me.

I am my very own Degrassi High episode. Old skool, not the new generation. The one with Joey and Caitlyn...the chick who slept with Joey at the very end of the show (didn't she get an abortion? I thought she talked to Spike about what it was like to keep the kid).

Point is: i feel humiliated. Straight up slushee thrown in my face in front of the world.


Drove home, bawled, realized I left my cell phone at home, had to turn back around, it took over an hour to get home from work.

I feel so empty. Shallow and empty.

What am I doing?

I just want to run away.

I tried to find airfare to go back home, but it's like $700-$800. I can use my airmiles, but there's so many restrictions around this time of year (Tbirdday and Xmas).

On the drive home I kept picturing the ultrasound. It really didn't bug me at the time, even days later. i didn't SEE it. I just saw the placenta pregnancy sac doodad. And now that image is burned in my brain. THe shape, everything. And how it could have grown. What it would have felt like seeing it grow each visit.

I've decided to stop thinking of the gender thing. I could run with the boy thing and take it so far i'll go nuts. So for now, no more thinking it would have been a boy.

GOD the amount of betrayal I've done to Joey. He loves me so much, and he has no idea his wife went through effing surgery. And Chandler, i pretty much flashed in front of him what he wanted and then took it away. To be honest, both of them deserve so much better than anything I have to offer. Both of them should be with devoted women who adore them, becuase when each of them are at they're best, they're the most incredible loving guys to be with. And i've been blessed to have both their love, and right now I feel like complete pond scum for not being able to give either of them what they want.

How I'll get the vision of Chandler's arm without a baby in it out of my head is beyond me.



I have a feeling of pending doom. I swear I'm not normally THIS melodramatic. I normally am trying to get a grip on things. But right now, it's so much more comforting to allow myself to drown in this depression that's unlike any other I have ever felt.