60 Days Later - bad bad cramps again

11:16am

The pseudo period i got is resulting in nothing but cramps. No blood (i got all of like, 1/4 of a teaspoon yesterday at best,now it's all done), just cramps. Similar to the day i had the surgery. Like the ones i had last month...when I called the place where i had the surgery to freak out.

Lovely. I now get monthly reminders in the form of pain to remind me that I had an abortion.

Twice this week I've had some professional ask me about my babymaking status. My optometrist and yesterday, my dentist. What if i was infertile? Geezus chr1st stop asking me people. What if I just had a miscarriage?
WHAT IF I JUST HAD AN ABORTION?!

I'll cut them some slack because they're men. But really...people...please stop. Just stop.

The whole thing still gets me upset. That i sucked out of me the very thing that I would kill to have (ironically). I'm at work in a room full of people right now and i STILL have to fight the tears that are welling up.

This demon was quite the loud disturbing house guest when he first moved in. Now he has settled in nicely into his position and has taken a permanent role in tormenting me. How do you exorcise this type of demon?

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1pm

I caved and took the 800mg of Ibuprofen as per the abortion clinic's recommendation last month. It's not even the pain itself, but combined with knowing WHY i have the pain, it's making me miserable. Plus it feels like my uterus is about to fall out of my body, no joke.

I made my annual girly exam checkup appointment, early January...no WAY am i gonna tell her about the abortion. The less people that know, the better. And the less "real" it makes it...sigh.

The stress of my life from the past 2 years (marital woes, plus the abortion, and new job stuff) my hair has thinned like crazy. It's gotten me REALLY upset because...well...i'm vain. I don't think i'm attractive or hot or anything, but my appearance in terms of youthfulness MATTERS. It was starting to get thick again but then the abortion thing made it all go to hell in a handbasket. I asked my mom about her hair, thinking maybe it was hereditary, and she said she didn't start thinning out a bit till she was 40. Then she's been all "that's just SO ODD usually it thins out after you have a baby..." and all t he research I read online said the same thing.

Yeah so odd...i didn't have a baby but I seem to have all the other symptoms and crap that go along with it. AWESOME.

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5:27pm

Holy sh*t.

My period came out of me like a dam bursting. I had on a pantyliner (just in case...it's not like it's normal for me to have NO period or just the 1/4 teaspoon), it soaked through that, through my underwear, a bit through my jeans (yay for dark jeans). Now it's like it won't stop. I can't begin to express the amount that has come out of me so far. It's like my body has all this pent-up blood.

Maybe now my period will go back to normal and I won't still get cramps.

I did more online estimating of when my due date would be. I mean, depending on what website you go to, i get different dates. Plus if you go from the date of my last period before the pregnancy vs. how far along they said i was...it's basically between June 7th and June 14th, which before the abortion i estimated it at June 11th, so now we have the full range. I wonder if I could have asked them what it would have been.

I wonder if they would have known, their little ultrasound machine doodad.
I wonder if they would have told me.
I wonder if I would have asked if the thought had crossed my mind.
I wonder if I would be any more tormented than I am already.