74 Days Later - year is wrapping up

8:31am

"Working" from home today. I always look forward to the holidays so that I can get my crap done, but somehow I never get as much done as I wish.

Time...I never seem to have time....

Last night, had sex with Joey...sigh. That was a huge problem after we got married, and I tried everything i could...we are just straight up not compatible in that way. Right down to one time he made a comment about how i'm getting older and it's not his fault I have a high sex drive, and was I ever raped as a kid because why do I like it so rough etc...now it's where I have to watch my teeth, my nails, my noise levels, how hard i pull him in, etc...basically anything that shows any sign of passion on my part, i need to not do. I feel like there's so much restraint on my part that i'm just waiting for it to be over.

I had joined all sorts of forums, about when a spouse has a high sex drive vs. the other, and the strain it puts, and usually it's the GUY who bitches...so when it's the wife, it's even harder. I guess because we're supposed to be used to the pressure of someone wanting it, not us. Blah. You think it's "just sex" and down the road, what will matter...like when i'm 60, sex probably won't matter. Well...that's 30 years away. And at the time i was married, that was 35 years away. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that important because of the future (I worry more about the future than the present, however the present in my world never meets the future. It's always worrying about tomorrow, not today. Maybe that's the cache of affairs...it's the only time you live in the "now").

Blah. What's my point? Just that it rings my head that if the sex is great in a marriage, it's the least of the problems...if the sex is horrible/whatever, then it becomes a HUGE problem in the marriage.

2010. Figure it out bitch.

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7:08 pm

Today one of my best friend's told me she had a dream about me. That i was pregnant. But I wasn't concerned about the fact i was going to have a baby, because I had to run off to see a guy i was having an affair with.

She gave much more detail (which i'm avoiding posting here in the odd chance she should ever come across t his site) but it was straight up as if I were pregnant now...the timeline, etc, it was so freaky. And no, she definitely doesn't know.

I'm wondering if next year around the time of my expected due date, if i'll remember it. It'll be around June 11th.