62 Days Later - tales from last night

9:23 am

So last night my work had this children's christmas party thing. I helped out last year with the "photos with Santa" part, so theysigned me up again despite that i've got work conference stuff as well as family in town...i could have bailed, but I just didn't care and by then it was too late to back out.

Okay confession, i saw Chandler at lunch and I mentioned to him that hmm, maybe it wouldn't be ag ood idea to do this...be around small children in masses like this while i havent' even worked through the abortion workbook because of the family visit and all. He offered to come out (it was family/friends/whatever) but i was like "no no it's okay"

When i got there, i was overwhelmed. Plus i did indeed need help. So i called him, and he drove over. Not that he was able to do that much for me, i had the system of printing, putting in frames, dealing with crowds, all down to a quick science and there was a moment of awkwardness with one coworker who is very chatty and I didn't get much of a chance to stress he was a FRIEND, not my husband or anything, and I had to make SURE he saw us leaving in separate cars. Even though afterwords I took him out for a quick drink which brought me home around 10pm, i went straight to bed and then woke up at 5:30 for a meeting. But i digress.

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10:33am

So when I got to the holiday thing, just seeing people I worked with and their babies...two women who were pregnant when i started and their kids old enough to be in cute little outfits, etc...for some reason, seeing one guy I work with in particular...i don't know why. Something about seeing HIM with his little girl...it was hard as hell.

Then i was just thinking about how if I were pregnant, i probably wouldn't even be stuck sitting doing tha tjob, or maybe I would nad people's wives would gush over my pregnancy (would i be showing that much? I have no idea). Or how in a year I would be the one taking pics of our family with "santa", despite my loathing of Christmas.

So when it wa all done I told Chandler to grab a drink with me, and when we parked he saw me crying...he rushed over to my car, threw open the door, gave me a big hug...he's like "that was your game face? Holy. i thought you were just feeling awkward 'cause it was a work thing. I didn't know it was like that for you". Yes...I spent 2 hours smiling and being phony.

Damn that boy. Damn him for coming into my life when he did. Sigh and damn him for not having his sh*t together.

I got home, and a book I had ordered came in, i wish I oculd put the title here but that's another thing i'm afraid might give me away (Joey would recognize the title), anyway it had a section about pregnancy and infidelity. The gist of it is...if you sleep with your husband a ton one month but have ONE one night stand, you are most likely going to get pregnant from the one night stand because your body chose the affair when you were at your peak fertility, when you were that turned on, whereas your everyday "boring" lover/boyfriend/husband you just did the deed but not when you were THAT turned on...which was reserved for the affair. I'm not fully explaining it right, but basically your body knows when it's fertile and it will get you pregnant when you're at your peak with the person your body thinks is the best viable father, regardless if you're aware of it or not.

It's effing fascinating stuff.

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3:42pm
And there it is...

I spend all day mixed between fighting to get over Chandler vs. realizing, holy sh*t i love that boy like there's no tomorrow, like warm fuzzy crap...then i find out that something i said last night upset him, and then somehow it got into stuff, and he's getting emotional, i'm hiding that i'm getting emotional, and then ihad to jet.

I sent him some texts saying i was wrong (i was...kinda...not going to go into some other stuff, in the grand scheme of "pick your battles" it would have been more beneficial to just stop trying to explain my side, my viewpoint, what i meant, or even to try and make him feel better...i should have just said "you're right, i can see why that would bug you, i'm sorry" but therein lies a problem, the "sorry" part...lord help anyone who says sorry to him, you'll get ripped a new one every time), and while he's cool with stuff now, why am i still shaking?

I hate admitting that i'm still in love with him, i hate that i've thought about him Edward/Bella style since i met him a year and a half ago, i hate that i imagine an alternate universe where we're husband and wife and all that crap. I hate that he makes me feel like the only woman alive, and that my weight doesnt' matter, I hate that even without makeup he can look at me like i'm miss america.

grr. men.

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10:38 pm

What do you do when you love two men?

What do you do when you get so deep into this mess, you find yourself on an operating table, giving up the one thing that you so badly wanted.

Your heart aches on all counts because with either of them, you're not getting what you truly want. But...if I gave, truly gave, 100% of myself to either, would I then get what i want?

Sigh, i tried it with Joey, in the past...but I still have so much with Chandler that I want to shake and scream and say "wtf dude...FIX THIS...."...but what's his incentive? Sigh.

Damn my husband for being "just enough" that I can't leave him, and damn Chandler for being too much to make me be able to leave as well.