11:47pm
Some emotional sh*t going on...
Stuff that makes me lose trust...but also made me realize that 100% of the Chandler stuff is on me. ANd that's hard. Hard not only because of the depth of what i feel for him, and the alternate universe, but also because i feel like i've been stringing him along when i thought we were on the same page.
The abortion stuff came up, and he said some sh*tty sh*tty stuff...things that will echo in my ear for a long time...
While men may think that they have it rough, they have no idea the emotional crap of being the one undergoing it. It's not even the afterstuff that is so bad, but the process itself is what makes it so horrific. The image of my legs, the room, the light, the doctor, the incredible searing pain in my hand, no one answering me when i kept wailing "what about my hand?! My hand! It hurts!"...them ignoring me...
I was a number, i was just one of a billion.
I searched my hand today, the scar from where they dinged me is totally gone. That was the last visible scar I had from that day.
I just want peace with everything. I want things to just work out the way they should.
If things work out with my marriage, and we're actually HAPPY...i will be so, so stoked. I just never give it a true shot. For as long as I'm talking to Chandler, I'm not making the effort with my marriage. And i truly do see that Joey is making an effort. The stuff with my family is one thing...but he's making efforts that he wasn't before.
Am I not allowed to have that?
***************************************
12:20am
Why couldn't I have met Chandler in another lifetime.
One where we could have had our child, assuming it was his (i'm not 100% sure obviously)
Sigh, he makes me feel like an absolute princess when things are good.
It's been over a decade since I had to stop being in love with someone...i don't know where to begin. Especially when damn, seeing him like tonight...the red of the tears surrounding the pale blue of his eyes making me crumble...
I wish I could remember why I told him I was pregnant. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't.
Someone posted on Facebook a picture of me from when i was pregnant, i have anotehr picture from that night but I hadn't seen this one. Someone is pouring a bottle of wine for me in the pic, and I remember even thinking that night "i'm pregnant and I'm drinking". Even though I knew I was having the abortion, it still felt weird like some sort of social services folks were going to rush up and arrest me.
In that picture, I look aged...i have crows feet in them with my fake plastered smile...all my pictures around that time were fake. I didn't feel comfortable in my skin, even worse than I do normally, it was such a weird feeling.
I felt like my body was being hijacked, there was a takeover. The pregnancy didn't feel good or right.
But then I remember the morning when all pregnancy symptoms disappeared, a few days after the surgery, and then I felt SUPER weird.
I just hope that my desire for a family isn't blinding me from what is going on with Joey...i AM happy...for the most part...just the stuff as of late is really making me wonder...it's a mix of things going crazy well with Chandler and Joey being a complete asshole to my family.
SIGH. I long to snap my fingers and make it all better. Somehow. Make Joey happy. Make Chandler happy. The both of them...they deserve love. They have BOTH wronged me, and i ahve resentment towards both, but in the grand scheme, they both deserve love and happiness.
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1 comments:
My experiences with the clinic (clinics in my case) were so totally different than yours. They were so caring, so totally there for me I can't get that you felt like a number. At my first abortion I had gone to a Crisis Pregnancy Center before realizing what it was, and they had me so freaked out about abortion, I was certain I was going to die...but somehow it was better to die in a clinic in another state (parental notification laws) then be forced to marry my boyfriend and have a baby. Anyway, the clinic knew about it and were so amazing. I freaked out before they started, and they talked me down, but stopped until I agreed for them to go on. Afterwards the doctor came in, told me he had heard my story about the CPC and said I did a really good job. He apologized for the CPC and it wasn't even his fault. Totally amazing.
The second abortion I was put under and that was so much more comfortable than the other one, I remember the nurse and doctor talking to me like they were old friends while waiting for me to fall asleep. Next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. I am pretty sure I pooed myself and they didn't even mention it. I think the nurses were annoyed because I kept thanking them.
Not once did I feel like a number. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
Leah
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