61 Days Later - Like a dam burst

8:49am

My period started. It was like a dam burst. Or a pipe burst. At this rate tampons are just serving as plugs 'causae when i go to change them, so much gushes out it's like i've been stabbed. And i don't care if it's TMI, when you have an abortion blog that goes with the territory.

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3:15 pm

So...I invited Chandler to come to my work to meet me for lunch...damn when he's a doll, he's a complete doll. I do know though that when my family leaves and I can get back to the abortion workbook stuff, a lot of the anger in me will come back out again.

Anyway, we were talking about weight and stuff, and he was basically saying that i looked great with some extra pounds on me back in October. He said it as "Well, you know the weight you were when you were pregnant, i thought you looked great etc etc"...and I was like "whoa. it's weird to hear someone say 'when you were pregnant'"....

I mean, in my brain i think "abortion" more than "pregnant", but to HEAR it...it really makes it real. Like holy sh*t...
I
WAS
PREGNANT

When i hear "pregnant" i think of my mom, i think of grownup things, i think of the type of person who gets the pink parking spots at Gelson's, that people give up their bench for so she can sit, who everyone gushes and oohhhs and ahhhs over.

Basically I feel probably like one of thsoe people who had a big fat 401k and house and are now delivering pizzas. I feel like a loser...i HAD it...and i screwed it up.

Again, to repeat, keeping it wasn't an option. It wasn't mine to keep. At least, that's what i told myself at the time. It was a little dude renting out space in my stomach. I didn't talk to it, it didn't talk to me, we kept to our own rooms and that was it. Until little dude got evicted without notice.

Thank God i did it even slightly before the 5week mark (where they had to fudge it just so i could get the surgery)...otherwise i'd start freaking out about it maybe hurting. Which is stupid...i never subscribed to that, it's not like it was a full on person and all that...but that something inside of me felt a split second of excruciating pain...geezus i'm in a work thing right now and i'm finding myself needing to breathe into a paper bag.

In other news, someone tried to hack into this Google account.

Why do i keep hearing the "when you were pregnant" ringing in my head?

In a weird way, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I was definitely a different person back then.

There are some key moments everyone has the defines who they are...some of them i can't list without it being obvious who i am, but a few are:
- when an ex-boyfriend put me in a highrisk situation, that when i was safe I was so effing grateful to no longer be a part of his ghetto scary druggie world
- when i got laid off for the first time from a "real" grownup job, i made some professional work rules and i've stuck by them ever since
- the day i got engaged

And now...the day I had an abortion.

I guess it's even more pivotal because I fell asleep being That Girl...and I woke up to become This Girl. I wasn't even awake for the transformation.
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4:23 pm

I was on those Passboards or whatever, just perusing around...came across a chick's story...i really don't GET people who name their fetuses. No way in hell am i naming it...i don't even know if it was a boy or a girl, i don't know...it just seems bizarre to me. It's not like giving up a puppy. When it comes to naming it, i get very clinical and logical about.

But in this chick's case, she named her aborted fetus/baby/whatever as Chandler's real name (what...you thought that was his real name? :P) Somehow seeing that name, in relation to an abortion...if i were to ever name my kid that (obviously it would follow with "Junior"), I couldn't IMAGINE aborting it...i don't know...i wish I could explain the feelings of seeing that. Joey's name in real life is unique so no one would use that name, but I adore Chandler's real name and just knowing someone aborted a child that WOULD have been another him out there...

I don't know why this is blowing my mind.