73 Days Later - Christmas is over, finally.

10:50am

I don't even know what to write.

It's still odd the things that can trigger me. Visiting inlaws, etc, that was all good. Even when I drove by a ghetto "choose life" poster sign while driving back yesterday,i was completely fine and reacted as i would have before.

But then today, getting a pedicure reading some Good Housekeeping or whatever magazine there was an article about the "right" number of children for a family (it was just a profile of different families ranging from 1 to like 8 kids and why they ended up that way). There was one who had "0" kids but that was retarded...she had 1, he had 3, all from previous relationships, just that they can't have kids TOGETHER. WTF. That counted as 0?

I was shocked that people with absolutely no offspring weren't represented...and it just made me so incredibly sad, and terrified of my future, i sat there trying not to crack in that chair.

On a relationship note:
Things with Joey are relatively good, although I finally broached the subject that he has to apologize to my mom. That initially didn't go well, but geezus all i'm asking him to do is send an email saying "hey, hope your trip here was good, sorry if i was a little cranky there I was dealing wtih some laptop issues". He felt there was no need since at the end it was good, but i was like "you apologized to me at the end...what's the difference?".
The other thing was that during our trip, one night when he had drank a bit he was snoring so effing loud I had to move to the other bed in the hotel room close to the heater and pray the heater sound would drown it out. It didn't. I was up till 4am reading a book because i couldn't sleep. Then i cracked down and started crying...why? Because i was tired...because I longed to be with Chandler...because despite things going well, i'm not exactly overly happy...and as usual, sex is so-so...

Things with Chandler: slowly repatching after last weekend, I'm not quick to forgive but I don't want to go around with a grudge. He was really good when I FINALLY got to speak and tell him how i was hurt about stuff...and he's been finallyfocusing on getting himself better and turning his life around, and pretty much letting me go.

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10:39pm

Sigh. Who am I kidding.

Let me get all retarded giddy Twilight teenager on you if you will, re: Chander:
And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

2 weeks ago he said something to me during whatever drama, that while I love both of them, you can only be IN love with one, and he doesn't think i'm IN LOVE with my husband.

This struck me, and I normallyfight and scoff at everything he says. however...he's right. That jackass is completely right. I love my husband. I cherish him, the thought of him hurting destroys me. And we have a huge investment in our lives..our house, our stuff, our friends, our families.

But if he were to decide he no longer loved me, and it didn't hurt him at all and he was HAPPIER as a result...i think I would feel relief.

I realized if I could snap my fingers and make me long/lust/love him the way i love Chandler, life would be perfect.

WHY can't Chandler have his sh*t together?!

The lifestyle stuff aside, i think we really would make a great team. I think most of our crap has been from the situation. I read somewhere that if like 6 months after an affair you're still digging it, then you can consider it seriously...I think at this point, 1.5 years into it...this isn't a fling and i've tried so many times to get over him.

I'm going to stand by my desire to work through things with my husband. But no way around it...I am crazy head over heels crying-missing-him-wishing-we-were-always-together-never-get-tired-of-each-other in love with that boy.

It doesn't help that tried with Joey tonight stuff...he couldn't finish...lovely, since that was the positive sign day of the ovulation stick thing...i know, why am i trying for a child with someone i'm not in love with...because he's my husband, because it's stable, because it's just EASIER, because my biological clock combined with the abortion has me seeing things in a way that's best for the child and not what's selfish for me, hurting everyone else around me.

Damn...Chandler can finish like 4 times a day without thinking twice...and they're both roughly the same age.