32 Days Later - it's really been that long?

9:23 am

For some reason I woke up as if it just happened yesterday. My face is puffy, doing my makeup was hard because my skin just looked like I was a balloon, all puffy and swollen.

I also weighed myself, the depression has me at my highest weight since last spring. That's going to stop now for sure.

I want to run away and start over.

On Friday I'm supposed to go to a birthday thing for a couple who were supposed to share childcare with us. Yeah. Their daughter just turned 1. And...here i am, not pregnant, and the general vibe I get from everyone is that it's *my* fault, or something is wrong with MY eggs.

I have a major thing due end of day today, i was supposed to have started it on Friday. I'm always playing catchup with work. But my brain is on babies and the abortion. It's a little bizarre to have a strong biological clock and desire for a baby but then have an abortion. It's like it put the clock on hold, and when it started back up it didn't continue at the same pace, it accelerated.

Sigh, plus there's the "breakup" with Chandler. I feel like i'm not allowed to be upset over it or hurt becuase well, i'm married. Married people don't have breakups, and they don't wallow over the loss of a "boyfriend". I also lost a close, close friend, and that hurts like a bitch.

I feel like the further away it gets from the abortion (32 days?? seriously?) the less rights I have to be upset. Like 32 days later, i should be FINE. Now i know people heal at their own pace blah blah but I don't want to be crying over this years from now.

I can't believe on October 16th I was put under and had surgery. I HAD SURGERY. The last time I was put under for a surgery was my wisdown teeth at...15? 13? at least back then it was my summer, and i just stayed in bed for 2 weeks. Everyone KNEW. Now it's just me and i still shiver at the thought of the pain in my hand, or that my legs were spread for the world to see.

It's at times like this that I wish I did drugs. Damn me for being the poster child for anti-drug use.

Sigh. I just received an evite from an ex-coworker, looking over the invited list there were 2 people, listed next to each other, who have the same name as Chandler. Damn him for having a common name.

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10:39am

Trying so hard to not crack. I have another diary/forum that i write to for eating disorders, a friend wrote me this huge email in relation to a depressing post that i had put (they don't know about the abortion), and she commented how there's something inside mE that's hurting, it's not what's on the outside that's bothering me. Of course. Running away, another job, whatever won't help.

(well, okay the job thing but she pointed out that if i worked at Target i'd be bitter that i'm wasting my education)

Right now i'm seriously doing every trick in the book to not start bawling. I have a meeting in 45 mins, if i can get to just that point then i go to my car and bawl bawl bawl. I dont' know if i've ever had a panic attack but whatever is going on, i can't breathe and i'm about to explode.

I'm in my 30s and I'm still gripping with depression like I did in my teens.

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11:55am

So that PASS workbook came in, now i don't know if i should keep doing the free one i got online or the one i just frickin' paid $25 for. The former one is more professional, the one i paid for is definitely written by someone who's not a writer or a professional by trade. I'll probably do the $25 first only 'cause i dished out $$ for it.

I'm eating some soup, thinking about how starving i am, thinking about how I need to get back into smackdown mode, teetering with the idea that if i go back to weight obsession and starving then I can avoid thinking about all of this.

You know what's weird? I think part of my problem of being around children isn't just the usual "oh i want a baby" thing (like i'm not good enoguh for one, i might break one, or they just know i'm not maternal), but i also feel like maybe...they know. They can sense it. They think in their baby brains "that lady had an abortion but i can't say anything". Okay it's not LOGICAL, but it's kind of like how dogs know when there's an earthquake. I feel like getting too close to a child will result in them wailing and crying with everyone going "what's wrong? why is he crying like that? he's never like this!" .

I want a Toothpaste Genie so I can make everything better.

I'm going to try and sneak a nap in my car for an hour, maybe when i wake up i'll have energy to finish work and stop dwelling.

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1:37 pm

Took my nap, most of it was spent with my brain racing. Parked on the way far corner of this complex, you can see the toll road. Remembered the last time I was on the toll road was the morning of the abortion. Chandler took it so we could avoid traffic. he pointed out that you could see my car from it if I parked in my usual spot.

Just looking out at it, it was like an out of body experience. Like i would be able to see me in his car, driving to get it. I remember the track pants I wore, what shirt did I wear? I guess it's a good thing that I don't remember that. Damn,that's funny that I don't remember what i wore. I know I did a purse swap and just had my cross-shoulder one so I could hold a magazine in there.

In hindsight, I would probably bring an iPod as well if I were to offer advice. The sound of other people in the waiting room(s) started to irritate me that day.

Did i wear my pink ralph lauren long sleeve top that day?

Usually I wonder what I would do differently, but I can't say I would have done much differently that day:
1. Bring an ipod.
2. Bring a warmer jacket. I froze by the window.
3. Brought more magazines. I went through mine within 45 mins, and i was there FOREVER.

That's pretty much it. Most sites I visited had advice which was pretty helpful. OH a note to anyone doing it: you'll be wearing a thick nasty pad when you're done. Dont' wear tight stretchy pants. Some girls did, i was like "wtf"...baggy all the way. I sort of wish I had worn jeans becuase I feel more comfy in jeans than in track pants but I do think it presses down too much on your belly. Plus if you bleed through, i'd rather bleed through dark track pants than my comfiest pair of jeans.

Sigh. Chandler posted a new (poem?song? writing? i don't know what you would call it) on his site. When i first read his stuff i couldn't grasp half of what he wrote, now I get the meaning of his words and the stuff that's tongue-in-cheek.

This nightmare needs to end.
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5:04 pm

Came home, got a bizarre card addressed to Joey and I in the mail. I can tell my friends' handwriting, and/or they put a return address but this was in bizarre marker writing and a big sticker that said "it's a boy!". Without even thinking i opened it becuase I don' tknow anyone who gave birth recently (thinking it was a birth announcement).

It was a horribly-done invite by Joey's friend who married ((deleted the description, it's just too obvious who she is...let's just say, imagine your mom's worst nightmare. Times that by fifty. That's who he married)). This includes printing corrected text and cutting/gluing the paper over the existing paper.

I lost it. Maybe it's that i'm mad she didn't register at Target instead of Babies R Us (wtf, she's like 20, does she need expensive sh*t?). Or that she already HAS a son. No...it's that MY baby shower should be planned.

I would have had a baby shower. Someone would have gotten a little card in the mail for what was growing inside MY stomach.