40 days - seems so far away

8:36 am
Why does it seem like it just happened yesterday? I guess i can still say it was only last month. Still, 40 days seems like I should be over it.

Last night Joey said that he's following up with doctors on getting his junk scoped out, and they told him they're going to check with insurance to see how much is covered. I told him I don't care if none of it is covered, we're paying for it. We're paying for whatever it takes.

But then I asked what to do if it turns out he's infertile. He agreed that he wouldn't want some other dude's sperm in me (finally! Years ago he said he was okay with that)...but that he wouldn't want to adopt. My heart sank. I mean, adopting is obviously not ideal...he said he didn't know anyone who was adopted who wasn't weird as a result. I pointed out someone we knew, he said "yeah and look at her..."
me: "she's just high maintenance, but she's not weird"
him: "exactly. she's high maintenance"
me: "that's because she grew up in NY, she's rich, and she's a GIRL!"

Crud i just remembered someone else who was adopted and she was a two-faced biotch...but then again, i also know a trillion non-adopted people who are like that too.

I wonder if having low testosterone for too long is the equivalent of letting a bladder infection go for a woman...after awhile, it spreads, and you become infertile. Could it be that his body just stopped producing what's needed?

And all the while of course, I know having a kid with Chandler is a no-brainer. I just wish he had the rest of his life in order. Which makes me an asshole for saying that, because you're supposed to support your man no matter what.

Well, sadly in the real world with a two income society I guess I'M high maintenance because I need a guy who can shove sh*t aside and take care of business when it comes to providing. I've done it my entire life. And lord knows, i've got ISSUES. But if i can get crap done at the worst of times, then damn right the guy should be able to also.

GOD DON"T CRY AT WORK. I have something due today and i haven't even started.
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9:46 pm

Hung out all day with Chandler. What can i say...there's no one else i'd see New Moon with. And to max out my day, i made him drink with me. I drank at least a bottle's worth on a relatively empty stomach and was at most mildly buzzed.

At one point he sat next to me and i thought: We had a child together. HOLY SH*T. Holding his left hand it blew my effing mind....we. had. a. child. There was a mini version of both of us that was in my stomach. HOHLEE CRAPPPP.

Which resulted in me mildly crying on his chest when i went to drop him off.

I'm also still mad...stupid abortion book exercise. I'm mad that he said things would have changed if i had kept the baby. But now he has no motivation. But the very thing that motivates 99% of the world is the FUTURE prospect, not when it happens. You don't get your life in order when you're already having a kid, you ge tyour life in order BEFORE you do. And he said he truthfully doesn't see himself ever having a family, which blows my mind but that's another side note, but that...if you don't see yourself having a family maybe that's because you live your life in such a way that's not conducive to HAVING a family. Maybe you have to get your sh*t in order, THEN the family will arrive. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

ANyway, that is neither here nor there because i vowed to focus on my current family, so....

sigh. this whole thing just sucks donkey balls. plain and simple.

Oh and i'm amazed i havent' lost my job through all of this this year, and i had something due today but i said f*ck it and saw New Moon. I'm tired and pissy and just want to forget who I am.

If anyone cares: unless you're a hardcore Twilight fan, or you're like me and you just wanted an excuse to skip reading New Moon so you can start Eclipse, just wait till it's out on rental. Although Taylor Lautner's abs on the big screen was pretty damn sweet. If you like underage boys.