24 Days Later - normal life resumes

8:47 am

Okay so I didn't do the one last major thing i was supposed to do for work, but i figure i can keep my brain occupied by actually working today and hopefully getting it done at some point.

It's so hard to not talk to Chandler, i finally unblocked him from my email and got one this morning from him, plus some IMs...i was going to reply, but then I realized: nothing i can say is going to make him see my side of things. So repeating will only frustrate the both of us.

It's hard though, that he may have been the father, and we are at each other's throats. It was already called off the night before I found out I was pregnant. I didn't anticipate still talking to him, and definitely not turning to him in state of bawling mess.

I might pick up this recovery book since it's religion-neutral (although the cover looks gay. Not like "i like the same sex" gay. I mean, you know...gay. There's no other way to describe it). I guess i would have to get it shipped to work, I don't know if i want that sent to my house even though i'm the one who gets the mail. Oh wait, it's CafePress...dammit, now i've already added 3 tshirts to my shopping cart. Which i'll maybe allow myself one tshirt by the end of the day, since i have to pay for shipping anyway on that book (they really couldn't have sold it as a PDF version?)

***********************************************************************************
1:05 pm

to Placenta Sandwich (which is the best user name EVER): did you buy any of those books yourself?


As for why they don't PDF stuff...that's so beyond me. I mean, that's two and a half weeks away...geezus, two and a half weeks ago i was ready to commit suicide.

Before it was hard going to say Target because of the baby section. Now it's also hard to go by the pet section, which I have to do constantly to get kitty litter. I'm so used to always perusing the dog aisles, i rarely would get anything for Chandler's dog but i still looked in case i saw anything she might like. Like i know what a Rottweiler's tastes are. I think she's a Rottweiler. I don't know jack about dogs.

And here comes the weepy-eyes stuff...mostly because i no longer can turn to the one person I trusted with those bear hugs when i cried over this.

I'm back to blocking his emails, otherwise i will go insane refreshing just to SEE if he wrote me, only to have me delete them without reading anyway. Same for IMs, but those are easy because once you close, they're gone forever...emails you have to do a double delete thing.

I have to call back the girl from the birth choice place who called me last week and said that they may not have any groups going on right now, but she'd be up for just one on one counseling...it's free, so i might see if i can make the trek down south to do that. I need someone, in person, to tell me i'm normal. I'm so tired of being different. I want to be like everyone else. And now i'm in the 1/3 minority of women who have had abortions. I don't want to be in that checkbox.

Looking back, I'm almost in shock really that i did this. Less a month ago...i had surgery. I was put under. It's crazy.

***********************************************************************************
9:06 pm

I'm starting to worry that maybe I gave too much detail as to who I am.

I got so pissed and hurt by something Chandler said that I went over there in a big bawling heap. This whole situation sucks, and I feel the weight of it is entirely on me. Is there any way to suck someone else's pain out of them?

They're both great guys in different ways.
And i'm the asshole being a partial girlfriend to one and a partial wife to another. I want to split myself in two and make both of them happy.