39 Days Later - be a grownup dammit!

10:47 am

And there it is, Sex on Fire, the first song Chandler ever said reminded him of me. I had never heard it. I can't remember the last time a boy said that a song reminded someone about me.

So i guess that was it for my period, which then means i'm in "start peeing on ovulation sticks every day again!"

As usual i'm in crunch mode with work, which is a killer since I have my review today. I wish i could just say "let me have a do-over, please!".

This has been a year of do-overs for sure. Don't know if each time i did over that i did it any better than the first time.

I'm doing the math on non-mortgage expenses because somehow without Joey's income (we came up a system, and it's pretty separate) i seem to have no cash. But then again, i had a ton of car stuff, $400 in carpet cleaning, and OH YEAH a $400 abortion. And now i need to spend almost $600 on new tires. But without factoring in life insurance for us both and homeowner's insurance, i'm already at $2114. But he spends around $2300 on the mortgage now, so I guess I should shut my piehole.

Sigh, so much for the concept of us maybe one day surviving on one income if we had kids. We have an adjustable-rate mortgage, so far it reset to something do-able but in a year it won't be the case.

If i review my bills from the past few months I can see the pricier nights were when I went out with Chandler 'cause I paid for this stuff. I had started to resent him for it, mostly because we always ended up in a fight and it was like "wtf...i just blew like $70 tonight and you want to be a jerk to me after? Really? How about you be gracious and just say 'thank you' ".

I definitely need a fresh start. 2010 better be better than 2008 and 2009 that's for sure, the worst years of my life minus the year i was engaged but that was my own doing, the anorexia and bulimia fueled mei f you ignore the pun. 2010 has to be a year of change.

Resolutions suck balls, but here's the plan:

2010: get pregnant. Or start the adoption process. There better be PROGRESS. wtf, i'm going to be 33 without a kid? really? I wanted FOUR kids. Now i'll settle for effing ONE.
2010: learn to solve this puzzle game that if i wrote here, people would know who i am.
2010: i will start pursuing my own hobbies instead of dedicating my life to catching up to...life. Reading all the books i say i will, etc.
2010: no more lies, no more deceit, no more cheating, no more sneaky-ass crap. Having to hide myc redit card statements, my cell phone, none of that. Clean living...my life will be an open book to Joey. Which i'm trying to do now.

I was by myself on NYs of 2008-->2009, having left my husband, I chose to spend it with 2 girlfriends instead of Chandler. In hindsight, i don't know if that was a good idea or not. I had already made plans with my girlfriends but i could have easily bailed. I guess I just take it very seriously who I enter a new year with, it sets the precedent for so many things.

This new year's will be my first one with my husband since 2007-->2008. Whydoes this make me emotional? I don't know if i'm happy, or if i'm terrified that it will be the same song and dance.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Amazingly, having an abortion with someone somehow makes you feel closer to them, in a weird way. It's a secret deeper than just of the affair, although it's a dark secret unfortunately. Not a secret i WANT to have, but it happened regardless of what label I put on it.

That abortion has certainly created a new definition of "me", and the scary part is that the only person who knows that new definition is someone I can't and shouldn't be with, and that person isn't my husband. It's kind of like wearing a mask to everyone in the world except one person, but you can't even be with that one person. For as much of our drama I can still say that with Chandler, I was able to stop and breathe.

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9:24 pm
live your life as if everything you do and say would be on the cover of tomorrow's news
(per Journey Through Choices' comments)

THAT IS BRILLIANT. And that is going to be my New Year's mantra. I love it. Thank you :)

In other news...

I left work at around 3 because I have this late night status call right now, I was stuck behind a van for "abortionNo.com" or something like that. There were baby/newborn images all over it, and a big header that read something about alternatives to having an abortion. Even when I wasin highschool i always viewed as the PREGNANCY as the problem, not the baby.

Anyway, it really really f*cked me up. Then when I went to the gym thing that i was signing up for the guy was going to give me the schpiel about their kids' club and then was like "oh wait, no kids? No kids? okay ..."

No. I do not have kids. I had one. I sucked it out of me.