35 days later - just "meh"

9:20 am

My car is in the shop today so i'm working from home, which i wish I had been able to do yesterday. Today i'm pretty numb from it all.

Oh so the thing about my period, I don't know what it was now. Usually when you get your period, the blood is either brown or a deep crimson red (hence crimson wave). This was bright blood, fresh blood, the type that i had right after the surgery. And there wasn't much of it, maybe 3 teaspoons at most. And that was it. I haven't had anything since.

There's been cramping, i don't know if that means that it's pre-period cramping or if it's something else. I'll need to look this up, and i guess i could call the place where i got the surgery but i'm sure they're just going to say "come in if it happens again" or "call if it gets worse". I'm definitely perplexed by it.

I had this notion in my mind that today i'd swing by Chandler's and surprise him so that i could drag him to see New MOon. I won't see it with anyone else. Sadly i dont' care to see it at ALL but i want to read the last 2 books, the book for New Moon was so huge and boring, so i figure the movie should cover just enough so i can start the 3rd one. Apparently the last 2 are amazing.

Then i realized i can't swing by becuase the very reason i'm at home is because i have no car and i have to call into meetings, having Kristen Stewart yelling in the background would be a dead giveaway.

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11:48am

Wow, these cramps are starting to become painful. Not "a anesthesiologist poked a huge needle in the back of my hand" painful, but like...papercut painful. Like "ow, motherf*ck!" painful. Bearable, but not pleasant.

I'm on hold with the clinic right now, i think they want me to come in. I can't, my car is in the shop. And no WAY am i calling Chandler asking him to drive me over (plus i need to be available to pick up my car when it's ready, oh and i have a meeting in 45 mins for work that i need to call into...and that place is awful with appointments, i'm sure i would be there till they close). I guess i just want someone to tell me this mother effing pain is okay.

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12:09pm

Every time they put me on hold, i start bawling. Thirty five fucking days, and i'm still having physical symptoms? Are you kidding me? I feel like someone is taking a hammer to the inside of my vagina.

They transferred me to a nurse at the location that i got my surgery at. I'm listening to some sort of 80's-style piano playing (for some reason it's making me think of St. Elmo's Fire).

I rarely take headache/pain pills. When i do, it's because my head is pounding and I need to get through an evening with a smile on my face. I probably take a headache pill once a quarter. So right now i need to find out if it's okay, and if so, what kind (it's not just aspirin i need to avoid, there's something else and i forgot what it was, since I shredded all paperwork from the clinic).

Yes, the only evidence I have from the surgery is:
1 - the tab on my credit card statement (not the best way to cover tracks, but fuck it, if i'm going to suffer i might as well get air miles for it, plus $400 gone from the bank account would raise even MORE flags with my husband)
2 - A teenie scar from where they put that pipe of a needle in my hand
3 - the blue booties. Which i still d ont' know why I kept, that particular shade of blue will forever be Patient X Blue in my mind on the Pantone color chart as far as i'm concerned (it's actually more like a pale version of Microsoft


Just got off the phone with the nurse, i have to admit the regular staff at FPA are a bunch of drones but the nurses are on their a-game. She told me to take 800mg of ibruprofen, wait an hour, and that most likely it's just my period starting, make sure I don't run a fever, and if i want i can go in for a checkup (which i can't, with no car).

For the first time in my LIFE, i just thought the words: I just want my mommy to hold me.

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1:58 pm
Cramps are pretty bad, my lower back is killing me from the pressure now as well. Ugh. Thanks for nothing ibuprofen.

You know you have a hard time getting over a boy when you flip through a magazine and see a full page ad for the type of cigarettes he smokes, and despite your incredible loathing of such a nasty disgusting vomit-inducing habit, you still sigh and think how you miss him.

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3:45 pm

Pain. Still.

Subsided for maybe half an hour, but i had to go get my car from the dealership (which took forever because i ended up having to get a rental which blows becuase of course it's their bottom-of-the-barrel model) and when the shuttle driver came to get me I had to have my head turned to the window because i was wincing in pain so much. And having to make smalltalk when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die.

And now, I need to shower and get ready to go out for a friend's birthday. I don't feel like driving the stupid little car (i'm short and i can't see over the windshield wipers of a regular car, all short people should drive big cars!), I don't feel like getting this fat body into something cute, I don't feel like having to smile and congratulate anyone, especially my friends who had a baby when *I* was supposed to be having a baby.

It's days like today where I loathe showering, because i'm forced to see myself in teh mirror.