43 Days - no babymaking!!!!!

11:05 pm

I'm amazed i finally have a chance to write here. I'm desperately trying to catch up on work so i can have a free day tomorrow. A PLATONIC day with Chandler. Dammit.

Of which, Joey tried to get his mack on this morning, and the convo pretty much went in this sequence:
him: (not doing stuff that would remotely turn me on. It's more like, a little kid seeing a shiny toy but unsure what to do)
me: trying to assess if he's just goofing around or actually wants to do stuff. he does.
me: i ask whether there's a chance of him finishing, since it's morning, vs. at night
him: agrees that at night he's most likely
me: tells him that if we're attempting a baby then i'd rather wait till tonight because then we don't know when there's an "end" (seriously, it's okay if it happens on occasion. When you go years of that, it's just upsetting for me...he doesn't know it's that upsetting, but it really is. and it hurts. there needs to be an "end" gentleman. We don't want it to end TOO soon, at least when it's good, but i'd rather err on the side of too short vs. too long because i'd rather be frustrated than in pain. And not good pain.)

I'm trying to accept that sex with my husband will more often than not, not be enjoyable. And when i say "enjoyable", it's still worse than any mediocre sex with Chandler (which i say "mediocre" just relatively to the norm and awesomeness of the majority of the times). I can learn to forget about that, there's a bigger picture here. But that also means that sex to me is babymaking and that's it. If i think of it as something enjoyable and stress-relieving, then I'll be disappointed 99% of the time and take it out on him which isn't fair. That's why I was so pissed off at the end of last year...I had expectations for sex, which included it being good AND getting a baby, and since that neverhappened (including getting any sperm to even consider a baby) i just started ot associate sex with an unpleasant activity that would take at least 2 hours to result in pain, frustration, and definitely nothing that would give me a baby. And sometimes you just want a quickie. There was never any quickie since he couldn't finish, and how often are you willing to give up a night where 2-3 hours is spent doing something that is not enjoyable? Lemme tell you, when you work full-time and you have a household to run (because at the time Joey was doing barely any chores if any at all), even once a month becomes too often.

But i digress. It's not the mentality i should have now, and i'm working damn effing hard to stop being so bitter about it because it's not helping the situation.

So fast forward to now, i'm stuck doing work, and he says "oh i guess the stuff from this mornign wont' finish, this isn't exactly the way to make a baby". I told him i peed on the little stick and i'm not fertile now anyway (since my period is all whacky as a result of the abortion, i can't even guesstimate). He's like "well how long does it last" and i told him it's just 2 days out of the month, he's like "WHAT? How do people get pregnant???"

So i had to skool him a bit and then told him to just look it up.

Which case, he mentioned that sperm can last inside you for 5-7 days. geezus, for the amount of sex Chandler and I had at times, *I* could have been a sperm donor. But that then makes me wonder again about who the baby daddy would have been. Truthfully, I still would say Chandler, since we didn't exactly go 5-7 days WITHOUT doing stuff.

I can't believe I had to just educate my husband on fertility, when we've been trying at this for 2 years unsuccessfully. Really? you didn't know the window was a small window each month? And that my odds are MUCH less than if i were 22?

It's just so odd...the FIRST TIME EVER that i got careless, I got pregnant. But when i actually wanted and tried to get pregnant, it never happened. But normally when i don't want to get pregnant, my ovary is blocked every which way.

Oh today I got emotional because I heard Plumb - In My Arms

Which has a line about reading fairy tales. I LOST IT. At least, internally, since Joey was around and I had to act cool. I would have one day been reading fairy tales to "it".

and yesterday...imagining birthdays missed...

This is not a pleasant secret to keep.

And why is it that Joey and Chandler are both in effing sync...when they're both assholes, it occurs at the same time, when one is great the other one is great too, which makes it all bad. Sigh. Weaning myself off Chandler is hard. Very hard.