36 days later - waking up to bad pain

9:30 am

I had hoped the cramps were just a one-time thing. Woke up this morning to the bad cramps again. I'm starting to freak out: what if every month they're like this now? I mean, what would have happened during the surgery to cause this? I'm just banking on maybe this time there's extra "stuff" maybe still inside of me and after this period it will flush out.

Speaking of, I don't have my period. The blood I saw wasn't it. So that's another concern.

This pain is unreal. I had it at papercut level, but imagine perpetual papercuts all day. Well papercuts actually hurt like a bitch, but it's a deep throbbing pain that's making everything ache.

Last night got buzzed with some friends, I almost blurted to one of my best friends about the abortion. The weight of this secret is unbearable. I almost said it ...and my husband was sitting next to her. Damn.

Let me backtrack that when i got there (early, like the "old" me used to do...since the surgery, i've been such a dawdler and procrastinator that i ended up always being late) my two married friends showed up. Somehow her maybe being pregnant again came up. Then they asked me. Seriously, people need to stop effing asking me about my fertility and pregnancy and all of that.

OH MY GOD THESE CRAMPS HURT

So after being buzzed going home I stopped off at Chandler's...he had sent me a text about wishing he could hold me for 5 mins. And naturally I let myself think that becuase I was buzzed that was my excuse to give in. No making out, etc, just hugging and light chatting, then i jetted home.

sigh. it's almost 10. and i'm still in bed. That...THAT is not me. It was me in college. It's not me since I grew up and had a house. Just too ambivalent to care about the dirt and crap that needs to be done.