42 days - i have no self control

12:00 pm

got up early, black friday shopping
looking like ass, not showered, still wearing clothes from the night before, had gone to bed at 2am woke up at 4:30 am
Drove over to Chandler's just to snuggle next to him while i could.
I looked nasty. And i just wanted to feel his arms around me.

Right. One thing led to another. Which oh HELL YEAH i'm popping the morninga fter pill no matter how nauseous it makes me. At one point I just laid there crying over the abortion, babies, everything.

I remembered the first time I went on the pill for medical reasons at age 15, i was STOKED. I never dreamed I would end up like this.

A year ago, i had a horrible thanksgiving related ot people pressuring me in public about when i was going to have a baby. I was so upset last year, so hurt, that my husband didn't seem to care and I wanted one so badly.

Fast forward tothis thanksgiving, where Joey finally understands and cares how badly i want one, all the while I'm the one who got rid of the one i had.

GOD at one point my head was resting on his arm, it was outstretched, and for some reason i'm enamored by his arms and hands (they're all strong and manly and crap), i forgot how his hands are so much bigger than mine, and then i just pictured those arms holding his newborn, the image of a baby against the tattoo his has on his inner wrist, and i LOST IT. If there was anyone who would be alpha-male-slash-Papa-Bear-style, it would be Chandler.

I'm tired of crying over the abortion.

I'm tired of feeling like my life is on pause and has no meaning because of the value i've placed my whole life on what "meaning" is.

Attempting to be platonic with Chandler is obviously not an option. Which means i need to really distance myself. It's hard to distance yourself not only from someone who has become one of your best friends, but also the other person** who knows about the thing that torments you. In addition to the eating disorder stuff too.

**Yes, thank the LORD for Rachel as well for knowing, but it's a little different when it's the person who most likely was the father, plus he's actually in this state :P


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12:37 pm

I wrote this on a forum and people kept saying how i summed things up perfectly so I'm gonna post here what i wrote:
It's hard because you know logically you made the right decision but that doesn't mean emotionally or even physically you feel that way. You did have the right to make the choice though, for the sake of the other kids. At this point you have to really trust yourself and your decision, which is easier said than done!


That's the very problem. LOGICALLY, i had no other choice. This really was the best decision for everyone, including the baby. But emotionally...total Sophie's Choice. The burden of it weighs on me heavily, even when i'm not always thinking about it.

Unfortunately babies are everywhere, so that doesn't help much.

Trying to snooze at Chandler's this morning, I heard one of his roommate's kids yell "daddy!"...holy crap did I ever lose it. Truthfully I can't be around them, he tries to point out cute things those kids do but I don't want to see a kid. I can't even make eye contact with kids anymore. I can't touch one, and when I see one i have to look away immediately, as if i'm seeing some sort of maimed individual that i know if i look at, i'll stare, and they'll think i'm being rude. So...I act as if children don't exist.

((let the waterworks begin))

Thankfully of my close friends that I associate with all the time, only one has a kid and she never brings him around (I've never met him...long story involving her brother who always hangs out with us too,he has a problem with her son's father blah blah) plus he's a bit older I think, he's 8ish.

I think my cap is around 6-7 years old. After that i don't get so emotional, they're more like little adults. But when you're still at that age when your legs are chubby and you waddle even a little, I lose it.

It's as if they KNOW i did something to "their kind". Like i'm some KKK member walking around town, and black women wouldh ave to shield their kids and say "don't look at the bad lady". Yes, i feel like kids would look at me with THAT level of fear and loathing.

Don't leave your kids around me folks, you never know what i might do.

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6:38 pm

Wow...so many t hings can set me off.

Watching Flash Forward, where the lesbian who's "flash forward" was her having an ultrasound, and she's like "wtf i'm not even in a relationship, let alone i don't do guys"...anyway she ends up getting surgery that renders her relatively infertile, and she's bawling...repeating "why am i crying, i didn't even WANT kids"...i was a mess watching that. Girl should win an Emmy for that scene.