38 Days Later - resentment kicks in

8:40 am

Had a weird dream last night. I'll spare you the details but Chandler was in it, but he looked just like an ex-boyfriend. Or maybe the ex-boyfriend was supposed to be chandler. Whatever. It was a bad dream, like most of my dreams since the abortion. Nights where i don't dream at all are best.

Thing is with "breakups" is you go through a phase where you miss the person...then you transition to anger and bitterness. I woke up feeling that way. Bitter over many of the things he said and did to me. Things that any girl with a shred of self-esteem wouldn't have tolerated.

Yesterday i had a pseudo-period. Just a bit of dark brown discharge (lovely to read i'm sure). I had some mild cramping last night. Today, so far, nothing.

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5:24 pm

Wow, what a rollercoaster day of emotions.

And now, it ends in depression. Trying not to cry while I sit at my table. Bored. I have my mid-year review tomorrow and i'm freaking out that it's going ot be bad, considering this past year i moved out of my house, moved back into my house, had Chandler drama, got pregnant and had an abortion.

I wish i could articulate the sadness, it's almost work to cry, it just feels....empty.

I feel like i'm trying so hard with my husband, but i still don't enjoy his company or feel a special BOND between us. But i guess that's to be expected, since i'm still pining for Chandler. Hoping that once i get over Chandler, my emotions will work out better iwth Joey. But...he's never been my "best friend"...whereas Chandler has fallen into that category.

But i still do things like text Joey letting him know i love him, that i had fun with him, etc...even though it feels fake.

What is missing in me that i can't just be fucking happy with what i have????????

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6:21pm

So I picked up where i left off in one of the workbooks, and the next phase is to assign blame. like in a perfect world we'd say that we're 100% resonsible for our actions, but let's get back to the real world type of thing. And truthfully, i do blame others...

Chandler: I blame you for only caring it seemed for like 3 weeks about condom use. While i know you appreciated that i took the pill, what you said outside my complex the night i told you shows that you did put this all on me, that this was my responsibility.

Joey: I blame you for not taking an active interest about the babymaking stuff. That we said years ago we'd start trying, but you left it up to ME to point out the major flaw in the process. That the pressure was also on me to help you finish, that if you didn't then it was because of something i did wrong. And look at that, the one month i get pregnant, you actually finished that one day, and then i have NO idea who the father is.

The clinic: i blame them for not REQUIRING therapy of some kind before and after. For not giving me a run-though of what would happen. The entire time I was clueless.

The anesthesiologist for what he did to my hand, to where the whole experience became the worst event physically of my entire life.

Myself: for being so sloppy. And reckless. For taking chances despite thinking that I was infertile. For not thinking that it would fuck me up big time if I ever got pregnant. Hell, just the costs associated with it.