34 days later - getting worse

10:19am

I woke up this morning to my period.

I haven't had my period since end of August/start Sept.

This has really fucked me up. Been bawling nonstop. At one point I went into the spare room and laid down on the floor, just crying. The room that was meant for a baby. How the previous owners had left us a bottle of champagne for us when we moved in, saying this was where they started their family and good luck to us to the same. How i wish i could just throw EVERYTHING all the crap in that room out if i knew for a second a baby would be in it.

I'm really struggling.

Crying all the way to the dry cleaners this morning, to work, here at my desk. Spilled a whole thing of tea on my keyboard.

When i was puttering in the kitchen this am Joey asked if i was okay, i said "i got my period. I got my hopes up this time** " and he came over, hugged me...what more could he do? **** . I told him I wanted to take the "next step" in fertility stuff, and he said okay.

** yes, the night i had sex with joey was when the bizarro pee stick was a happy face, and i figured if i was "super fertile" like they say you are post-abortion, then maybe i would be pregnant again. And know whothe father was.

**** This i have issues with. 2 years since we said we wanted to try having kids. Granted, on again off again doesn't maybe count, but you grow up your whole life being told how easy it is to get pregnant, 2 years of wanting something is a damn long time. Especiallyw hen you got rid of the very thing you wanted.

Awesome. Just got an email from on of my best friends giving me an age update on all her friends that she's going to be seeing over the holidays. I may very well get sick.

(continued from previous thought) So what can he do? He can be effing proactive. He can act like he cares. He can stop waiting for ME to tell him what to do. He can make an appointment with the urologist and ask for whatever sperm/fertility tests they do. it's nto like he doesn't know this stuff, he was diagnosed with low testosterone ages ago. And how can I not compare to Chandler, if i even hinted about this he'd be all over it, i wouldn't have to ASK, i wouldn't have to tell him what to do, he'd be the one telling me.

Which leads to my next point...i'm now realizing it was Chandler's baby. It had to be. I had more sex with Chandler in even half the time i knew him than with Joey in our entire relationship and marriage combined, let alone that Joey only came once or twice a year. And all those studies show that women's bodies "fight off" the sperm that isn't her partner's...except in this case, it's pretty clear my body was used to Chandler's sperm because that's all it ever saw for the most part. Usually with Joey, he never finished. So when he DID, back in September, that one whole time, i'm going to guess that Chandler's fighting sperm booted out Joey's.

I know this isn't making sense, but that's just because i'm explaining it on depression,exhaustion, and retardedness. I would include a link to the science behind it but i can't exactly do a google search for sex and sperm at work.

When i was driving I was thinking, I'm an asshole. I mean, I married for better or for worse. And you don't leave your husband because he can't make babies. But really, that's not my problem. My problem is that again, i'm the one who's got this on her mind for both of us. He's not doing anything about it. He's not being proactive. This is ripping me apart, this isn't like him not cleaning the windows or something. So let me make this clear. It's not that he's got fertility issues (which is pretty safe to say, since obviously i was just pregnant)...its that he's not DOING anything about them, or has any interest despite the results from ages ago, and is leaving it all to me to orchestrate.

The stress and pressure of being the one in charge of this baby stuff from the past few years is eating away at me again, hell i thought it was bad a year ago at this time...i had no idea. I feel like every day a piece of me is lost, and while i can try to rebuild at this rate the pieces are being lost at a rate that's too fast for me to catch up.

Everything I've ever done in life was to get to this point, where i'm married, have a career, have a house, so that i can have a FAMILY. I'm starting to feel like a jerk to my cats because i'm starting to resent that i'm one of "those" people, who doesn't have kids...i have pets. I love my cats, and i've spent as much on one of them as full-on adoption or fertility treatments, but it's not the same obviously.

We are in pre-Thanksgiving crunch here at work, i've been tasked to help out other projects that are falling behind when i'm already behind on my work, and i just can't function.

I feel like over a decade of a career that i have no interest in was all to prepare for having a family, to do the "right thing", and without that then seriously i might as well just work at Quizno's because having healthcare, a salary, etc is pointless in my eyes at this point. I'm living to work, and nothing else.

I have a "lunch and learn" at noon, if i leave in a bit i can get an hour of crying and wallowing out of my system, freshen up, and come back to work.

I'm such an idiot for having an abortion blog and right now i'm upset that i've got fertility issues in my marriage. And that i'm still reeling from the heartbreak of the loss of the Chandler relationship, especially knowing that it's my fault, he became one of my best friends and the only friend who knew what i was going through from the first day that i met him.

You know what's even more pathetic? Yesterday when I was at Target I went and bought some cute bras/panties/nightie-doodads/etc because i thought if it didn't "take" this past month next month i'll have to really go overtime in trying to get pregnant, and since sex isn't exactly our expertise, i have to step it up. today, with my period here, the thought of all of that makes me nauseous. Maybe i was soiled by Chandler, who would do me fifty times a day even if i didn't shave my legs or shower or wear anything cute.

Joey's fertility issues are not only my responsibility to research, diagnose, find a doctor, etc...it's also 100% up to me to make sure that when sex happens, that there's an "end". Do you know how much fucking pressure that is? especially when your husband can finish easier when he's by himself? But I'm back to before, if i talk about it or anything like that, it's pressure on him.

Yeah, i'm willing to bet at this point that it was Chandler's baby. The reality of that hasn't sunk in, and when it does, i know damn well how i'll be imagining what it would have looked like, what a little family we would have been.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not okay. Like, suicidedly not okay.

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11:49am

so much for going outside and bawling...i dicked around for an hour. And now i need to put on a game face for the next hour.

GOD i hate myself so much right now.

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7:30 pm

It's so odd the things that can get me upset.

Watching my soap, there's a surrogate storyline, but that itself isn't what got to me.

First, there was a scene of the non-surrogate future mom going through a baby calendar talking about counting each month...

But i lost it actually regarding a comment regarding a character's abusive childhood.

I LOST IT.
I didn't grow up in a peaceful household. And in my brain, i still haven't grasped what was and what wasn't my fault. I know as a teen i was awful, but when I think of myself at like say, 8, i picture myself as i am now.

But then I imagined having a baby, having it come out of me, and could I do the same things to that baby? I could spank, sure...but could I grab my kid's hair like my mom's number one move and pull/shake my kid's head around till he/she fell to the ground in automatic response to the pain? Where to this day, my hair being pulled conjures up images EVERY time of that happening.

Could I beat my kid with brushes to the point where they break? Or a cane? Or a horsewhip? (actually the horsewhip wasn't that painful, i mean, relatively...it's just the fact that i'm probably the only person on the planet other than my brother who can say they've had an effing whip used on them).

I don't have a nurturing bone in my body, and i am awkward around babies/children (i'm terrified of breaking them, and they always sense that), but the longing to have my own baby in my arms has got me going insane.

This nightmare just keeps going on and on doesn't it?