31 Days Later - Just blah

9:23 am

Yesterday I just wasn't in the mood to write yesterday.

I did want to finally start the workbook for the abortion stuff, but then Joey came home hours earlier. That'st he problem in my house: there's no privacy. The only rooms we hang out in are hte living room and the bedroom. Well there's nowhere in either spot where someone can't see what you're doing.

Today I'm going to say "fuck it" and clear out those other 2 rooms once and for all. We just have so much fucking crap, and if we were to ever havea baby the kid would have to stya in the garage.

I'm back to my anxiety about maybe never having a kid. What if it was Chandler's earlier? What if Joey is shooting blanks? Would we pay $$ for adoption? Seems unfair, since my eggs aren't broken and i could get sperm for free.

I was doing okay until I went to hang out with some girlfriends in my book club, one girl gave birth a few months ago and it was at her house. It became all baby talk. A close friend of mine after asked me if I was okay with the baby talk (she knew all the problems i had in my marriage about it) and i was like "ohyeah no i feel great, Joey and I only just started trying now since i've moved back home". Vowing to not have another abortin is "trying", right?

You definitely get the feelingt hat you missed your last shot that's for sure.

In other news, and i know i've said this HOW many times...yes, Chandler and I broke it off. It had to be, we were just destructive. It was sad, and I was like "you're manipulative, every time we do this you come up with some sort of threat or blackmail so i'm forced to talk to you again, and that's jacked up". He admitted it, and he also knows his email is blocked from my email account. Sigh, the whole thing is sad...when he was leaving he said "the next time I kiss you will be on a real date" (or "first date", whatever...we once had a convo where i felt gypped because i never had like a "first date" or anything with him, we never even really got to DATE, period). Him saying that melted and broke my heart at the same time. Because I know full well what i got from him taht i dont' have in my marriage.

I just have to focus on what i HAVE, and not what i DON'T have.

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11:11am

Dammit i forgot I had lunch plans today, i was hoping to either just straight up nap in my car or finally start that abortion workbook.

I also forgot my dream last night, it was bizarre (of course) but I remember Chandler being in and out of it, but every time he was around I felt safer.

Damn, I need to get over this obsession.

let me tell you, getting an abortion when you dont' want your insurance to know or it's not covered seriously takes a kick out of your savings. I need to get new tires, i've needed them for months now, the $400 i blew really could help. Plus I have almost $800 in disability insurance bills. Let me tell you...being married does NOT sav eyou money. My disability insurance is $300, Joey's is $500, and we make almost the same amount. Men are expensive. They cost more in insurance and abortion fees.

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6:07pm

Suddenly getting really emotional. I'm exhausted but I went after work to Walmart, and i don't know why...maybe someone's cologne that i didn't notice...maybe it was seeing all the baked goods displays...maybe it was passing by this cute "sorority girl" doggie clothing stuff...and wondering: what if I have Joey do a sperm test and it finds out he's shooting blanks, what if i knew for sure it was Chandler's? Do i tell him? Do i want to go down the road of really being able to imagine what the baby would have looked like? The adorable nose, the freckles?

I wonder if I'll forever wonder, I wonder if I'll even remember any of this on June 11th (my expected due date, at least, I think it was...shoot was it June 13th? Not like it would have been an exact timeline, but i know i wrote the date down here on this blog).

I would have been around 9 weeks by now.

And there goes the waterworks. Would I be showing? Hell I already do, i'm so fat from the eating out of depression. ((crying crying)) All the planning, the baby room painting, researching the right stuff, being part of that elusive Mommy Club that i've been ostrasized from (my own doing, not theirs). Why am I crying now? I went awhile now not feeling this bad, why are the feelings still there???

And here I am victimizing myself for my own doing.

Lovely.

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10:07 pm

Massive fight with Joey tonight. I'm exhausted now from all the crying. Did a bit of that abortion workbook, bawled again.

Trying to finish up my status reports, i cant stay up to do work. I'm too exhausted. i can't think.

I heard a "pop" sound, the family pop from Yahoo IM, a sudden rush that maybe it was Chandler. No, it wasn't...it was just my brain playing tricks on me.

Right now, I hate my life.