26 Days Later - the light shines through the clouds

10:20pm

Today was the first time since I found out that I'm pregnant that I actually felt (wait for it...wait for it...) happiness. Just straight up, "yeah. Things are gonna be a-okay!".

I didn't even think about the abortion until 11am.

Of course it had to eventually hit me, during tonight's episode of Glee. For anyone who doesn't watch it, there's a chick who's pregnant and told her boyfriend it's his when really it's his best friend's. And the best friend adores her, and wants to take care of her.

In tonight's episode Quinn was bitching on Finn (the boyfriend) to pay for sonogram tests and he couldn't get a job, whereas Puck (baby daddy) is ambitious and does all sorts of extra things to make bank for her. Finn bitches to Puck about how hard it is to get a job, Puck starts ranting about how he should rob a bank, sell an xbox, do whatever it takes to take care of that baby.

Damn if it didn't remind me of Chandler....i'm the one who told him to sell his xbox when he needed cash, and he told me he'd rob a bank as long as I kept the baby.

So i go into the laundry room after, and really...all day today I was thinking how i LIKE my life with Joey right now. I really do. But in the laundry room i burst into silent tears realizing: i can't remember the last time, if ever, Joey has told me i'm beautiful at any point during sex. Let alone after. There's no cuddling after, which i'm not a cuddler but it's all business that's for sure. It's weird, i thought: if/when i should have a baby with Joey, the father of my child will not have told me that night that i'm hot/gorgeous/beautiful/radiant/anything. At BEST if i'm lucky he'll tell me that i'm hot. But that happens once in a blue moon. He's just not a talker like that.

Whereas I can't remember Chandler ever NOT saying anything about how sexy i am, how beautiful i am, how much i turn him on, etc etc. Full-on gushing, you'd think by now he'd be tired of it but he's not.

It just made me sad. To be with one or the other involves sacrificing. With Joey i'm sacrificing any physical chemistry, and "best friend"-type relationship, and feeling like a partnership in terms of workload. I don't always feel like "the greater good" goes on with us. I am the handyman of the family, and i'm the one who takes pride in maintaining what we have and fixing things around the house (usually what prevents me from doing more is my physical limits, being 5'3 and all the upper body strength of a kitten) Lord knows, I'm sacrificing my sex life for sure. I'm sacrificing feeling like i'm the most beautiful person in his eyes; I still get nervous when a pretty girl is in the room. I've spied on the stuff he would rub one out to, and those girls look nothing like me that's for sure. I'm sacrificing someone being a willing participant in raising kids with any interest in my religion, or any religion for that matter.

Whereas with Chandler, i would get all of the above. I truly think we'd be in a room full of supermodels and not only would he not notice them, he'd probably pick every one apart if he saw me feeling bad about myself. But then the sacrifice is financial stability, and anything above that like trips to Europe (which i haven't done since i was 8 months old, thanks mom and dad for making that trek when i wouldn't remember it) or nice furniture or savings or flippin' expensive vet bills. I'm sacrificing my social world as it is now, which to me is as important as family. I would be sacrificing my in-laws whom i really like as well as the chaos that would ensure i'm sure with my own family.

Do people have it all? I mean, in the grand scheme, do they get most of the things listed above?

I'm back onto wanting to protect the eggs that i DO have, and that makes everything sketchy.

Oh in other news, just for kicks I've been peeing on those fertility sticks again. Since allegedly you're crazy fertile after you have an abortion or give birth. The first time i bought a new box (which is stupid, since i realized i had 2 opened boxes in my bathroom already) i got the smiley face. Yes, i pay extra for the digital kind, i don't f*ck around with that. HA well apparently I do, but in the other sense. So then i got freaked out and thought maybe i was still pregnant or something, because when you are the fertility stick will show the same results. Well then the next day I didn't get the smiley face...so i thought nothing of it.

Then on a whim i tried it again tonight...and there it was. The smiley face again. That means at this rate i'm fertile once a week. That's crazy to me.

Although...I did do stuff with my husband last week (I was trying to NOT, i was definitely not emotionally ready for it but after 3 nights of declining, I realized I wasn't exactly putting in marriage efforts like I said i would after i moved back home. Especially since the last time we did was a night we may or may not have conceived in early September. Which actually, doing it once every 2 months is more frequent than normal that's for sure. That's like bunnies in our sex life.). So now i'm freaking out, what if that means i"m pregnant already? But thats not possible...you're only supposed to be able to tell a few days before you're missed period.

This is effing with my brain, so i'm gonna have to get a pregnancy test. Or just pee on a stick tomorrow and see if the smiley face goes away. Oh how it taunts me.

To be honest, I don't know how I would feel if I got pregnant and this time, knew for sure it was Joey's. I mean, it's what i wanted all along my marriage. But it would seal the door on the one person I have ever felt loved me through every fiber of his being. And that's a whole level of security that I never realized that I wanted or needed: knowing that I'm someone's one and only, and having complete trust in that.