37 days later

9:43 am

Finally, no cramping this morning. I was popping pain meds yesterday like they were candy. Then drank a ton at the wedding last night.

Weddings are so hard when you're having an affair and you genuinely love/care for the other guy.
- you think of what a wedding with the other man would be like, what you would say
- you think of your actual wedding day, the things you felt, and how you wish you could tell the bride "life doesn't turn out the way you think it will at this moment"
- you feel guilty to your husband that you're feeling not all warm fuzzies at that moment
- you feel guilty to the other guy because you know he'd love nothing but to marry you

It's not like on my wedding day, which was the happiest day of my life, that I would ever think 6 years later I would have an abortion and not know who the father was. If there was anything I wish I had learned in school, it's that planning is all good in theories, and planning for disasters and illness is another, but there's a whole series of things that will throw your life for a loop and you'll have to learn to deal with it on the fly. In fact, school should have a "adapt on the fly" class.

Fortunately Joey is going out today, and I can finally sit down and do the abortion workbooks. My initial reaction was to see if Chandler would see NEw Moon with me...but it's opening weekend, and the point is to STOP seeing him, not see him more.

Sigh, last night someone had a newborn at the wedding. The whole night was bizarre, the mix of emotions surrounding being at a wedding let alone it was the groom's second marriage which then made me wonder how HE felt about his own wedding day having already gone through it before, the baby thing, having to be social with my husband's ex-coworkers despite not really giving a sh*t, oh the constant 80s tv show theme music which included GI Joe stuff which made me think of Chandler, the guy who had the same last name as my maiden name who pretty much straight up proposed to me and was hitting on me so blatantly that even I had to admit he was (becuase of the religion thing, the ethnic thing, how i was hot, how i looked good in crimson red, how he wanted a girl just like me, blah blah...i only went up to talk to him becuase i wanted to steal his wedding favor) and Joey had to come and bail me out which i don't think has ever happened in our marriage, which THEN made me wonder how if Chandler had been in that boat how he would have reacted...

Hoping i won't be a basketcase today.

*********************************************************************************
4:57pm
Sigh.

Had a few crying breakdowns today, went all cathartic and cleaned big time the two upstairs bathrooms (usually they just get a counter wipedown, this was a full on scrub of the showers, etc).

Started through the workbook again but then Joey came home, i had to scramble to find where to put the workbook, chucked it behind my dresser. Seriously, whoever makes that could make it look more discrete, and seriously remove the stupid-ass flowers on the cover. Something black or chocolate brown would be much more slick.

I had started though a section about assigning blame. That in a perfect world we'd say we were 100% accountable for what happened, but really our emotions kick in and let's tell it for what it is.

And yeah, i do place blame even on the staff at where i got it. And i do place some blame on Chandler, not so much for having the abortion (although i AM pissed from when i told him i was having it, he was lecturing me about well you should have thought of that blah blah...ummm i went a year being on the pill, you went all of 3 weeks on condoms. Own your part dude.) but some of the emotional aftermath within the 24 hours after. The night of it, the next day....i so badly needed from him to just let me BE emotional, to let me BE crying, to let me BE crazy, geezus chr1st in hindsight the hormonal changes that happen to your body during pregnancy are crazy enough let alone when in a snap you suck it out of you and your body doesn't go through the regular event that would cause the hormones to go back down naturally. I needed him to just be cool, for a few days...to put aside his insecurities that iw ould "fade away", that he'd push aside his fears about losing me and just realize how absolutely crazy/nuts/scary/emotional that procedure was for me.

Or maybe that's my own fault (let's put blame back on me here for a moment) for being miss tough and unemotional about things, i know he had no idea that it was this traumatic for me until later.

Sigh, he sent me a text saying "Damn this feeling...i want to die". I don't even know how ot reply, if i should at all. I love him, and if I could split myself in two and marry him tomorrow you know what? I probably would. But at the same time, I can't get all emotional with him because then i'm not focusing on the very point, which is that i truly need to put in the effort in my marriage.

******************************************************************
5:47 pm

I'm going to be a big baby here:
I miss Chandler.
I might even miss our drama at this rate.
I miss how great he was when I told him I needed to talk to him about the abortion.
I miss those arms of his, I miss them around me, I miss tracing the outline of his tattoos.
I miss the look he gives me when he kisses me, it's totally a slick player "yeah girl" look, damn he's good.
I miss how his eyes change anywhere from green to pale sky blue to dark royal blue
I miss how he smells. Someone yesterday at the wedding I think was wearing his cologne and i almost melted right then and there.
I miss how he got excited and actually effing LISTENED to stupid stories about my friends and family.
I miss just being silly with him.
I miss how he wears his heart on sleeve. No one on this planet is as honest about his love as this guy, even if I don't say anything back he'll still tell me he loves me and wants to be with me.

And it's my love for him that I can't go running to him every time I hurt about the abortion, or when i simply miss him, I can't keep doing that to him. He's not an effing yo-yo. I hope he nails the interview tomorrow.

******************************************************************************
10:50 pm

Looking at pics from the wedding, i wish i were good at Photoshop, i'd put in Chandler to see how he'd look next to me when i'm all prettied up.

It's funny looking at pics, people saying how good i look on FB and all that (it's a gorgeous dress and i had a great hair day yesterday, it only took 4 hair products and 2 devices), and i look at the pics "can anyone tell I'm suffering with depression? Can anyone tell that I had an abortion? Do I look like i was with child just 38 days ago?"

I can only think of one night of pics that were taken since i found out i was pregnant, I looked like an effing linebacker. I felt huge. I felt puffy. And now, I'd do anything to feel that again.