3:54 pm
Today's been weird. One moment i'm chill, next minute I get choked up.
I went to lunch with a friend who insisted the Joey's fertility is probably fine, and mine is probably fine, so why am i freaking out, i havent' been doing it like rabbits with Joey to know if maybe that's why i'm not pregnant.
Yeah well...no sh*t. Chandler and I did it like rabbits
sigh and what a good rabbit he is
I can't maintain that with Joey, I can't even do it more than once at BEST twice a month...He doesn't have the drive, and I don't have it emotionally in me to try not to cry the entire time if we do it more than that.
At one point my friend implied that i should consider what if *I'M* infertile (then she said "i'm sure it's all fine) and i wanted to SCREAM...i know i'm fine. the first time in my life where i'm sloppy and DIDN'T want to get pregnant, it happened asap.
I think I narrowed down the night. The night we snuck into that pool and hot tub (it's always a hot tub isn't it) in the condo he was crashing.
I got a call from the chick who works for that birth choice clinic, they have an abortion support group starting in January. Even though it's religious, I'll take it.
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4:19pm
It's so weird the things that will set me off.
Watching frickin' Eastwick (great show, too bad it's being canceled), they were saving a chick's teenage daughter who had fallen under ice into a lake...THAT made me start bawling. Maybe i just got caught up, it was filmed pretty well, and i was getting into it...or maybe it's that you can imagine the emotions a mother would have knowing her daughter has fallen through ice...
And here I am, still bawling...
I had something/someone I was supposed to protect.
I suddenly just feel like....
i'm a really bad person.
I don't feel like i'm worthy or should ever be allowed to be pregnant ever again. I'm fighting to make it happen when deep down, I lost the right to ever have a child let alone many.
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4 comments:
You aren't a bad person. You really had no choice. Not really, and you know that. Would you really want to continue a pregnancy not knowing who the dad was? Would you really want to have to tell Joey about Chandler? Would you really have been okay if Joey left you? Would you and Chandler really been able to support a baby if the baby was his? Would you want to be a single parent?
Stop beating yourself up. Seriously, you had no choice. You aren't a bad person.
it's still normal to be on an emotional roller coaster. the question is: if you had it all to do over again, would you do anything differently? if so, what?
i'm nervous when you say you're going to go with the religious abortion support group. i hope it works for you. take what you need from it but don't let anyone tell you you are a bad person for making a difficult choice in difficult circumstances. i hope you keep searching for a supportive group or counseling. have you called exhale yet?
gl.
I agree with the other anonymous poster, (I am going to start signing a name at the end of my anonymous posts so you can tell who is who I guess) the religious group will just make you feel bad about something you shouldn't feel bad about.
I didn't feel bad about my abortion until after I went to a religious based support group on the urging of my priest after confession. This was my first abortion (I have had two, one at 17 and one at 26) and I know I made the right decision, but that support group, instead of making me feel better and lifting a burden off of me, seemed to place the burden of the world on me and I was suicidal for a few months until I realized that the God I know would never in a million years have judged me as harshly as they were judging me.
You are not a bad person. Or if you are, I am too, or even worse because I have had two abortions and I really don't consider myself a bad person.
Leah (not my real name but the one I will be calling myself in comments from now on).
I wouldn't normally do anything religion-based but I spoke witht he chick a few times and she was like "seriously, you can gloss over anything religious" plus she had an abortion too. If i didn't know she was running it, no way would I do it. And since it's not MY religion, and my religion doesn't seem to give a sh*t about abortion, i'm not worried about the guilt on that level.
Sigh, you guys are right though. I would do the abortion again if i had to go back. But if i went back in time, i wouldn't have gotten pregnant, sigh.
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