46 Days Later - Keep running up that hill

10:33 am

Yeah i didn't post at all yesterday. Mostly for a lack of time, and out of extreme exhaustion.

My emotions come and go. Usually when i run an errand and I see a stay-at-home mom. You would never ever peg me as the type who is maternal or would even WANT to just stay at home to look after their child (stay at home to not work: yes. Stay at home to be a mother? no).

This morning I started to have some resentment towards Chandler again. About how he said if i had kept the baby, THEN he wuold have hauled ass in life. Yeah, awesome. Most people haul ass BEFORE having babies, you don't start making an effort because you've conceived. Essentially, you're saying I woul dhave been a single mom in terms of finances. That's a big help.

Or how it seemed like blackmail was his ultimate trump card, and he used it damn often. The final night of it all, i had a sense i might be pushing it, but i was like "what the FUCK. I had an ABORTION yesterday. I think i'm allowed to freak the fuck out when he's being a dick". And asking me whether I told someone who then posted something on craigslist...really? Stay the fuck away from Craigslist. Secondly, what kind of people do you t hink I know? Thirdly, I JUST HAD AN ABORTION. And you want to worry about something you read on Craigslist? really? Let's see howm uch harder you can slap me in the face. I had bigger things to worry about, including a hosting a party and keeping a smile on my face while inside completely falling apart, moreso than I ever have in my entire life. And so...because I got pissed and flipped out, you sent texts to my husband? Really? Thanks for taking one for the team.

It wasn't until a week after the abortion when I desperately needed someone to talk to, and it was big time over with us, did he become the knight in shining armor that I needed him to be the day of the abortion itself.

So why do I have this resentment now? Because those texts, he lost his job, the job he needed...we both needed him to have...and that was MY credibility on the line, the one and only time i recommended him for a job.

I feel like there are times i handed him things on a silver platter and he still didn't do the work necessary. Maybe that makes me judgmental, but at this point fuck it, i'm allowed to judge. We had a baby together. There was LIFE inside of me, life that was half him (well, mostly likely, can't obvoiusly know 100% for sure), and he tells me he would have made it work if we HAD the baby?

I don't know why that infuriates me. I started hauling ass when I was in highschool because I saw the big, long-term picture to get the life I wanted. Didn't go as planned, but sure as hell brought me farther than the alternative. I started hauling ass around 14/15 years old. Andh e wants to start hauling ass at 35 ONLY under the conditions that I had kept the kid?

Maybe also because I'm starting to become cynical to his sweet words...his words mean everything to me, but actions speak louder than words and for someone who says he wants "us" and he'll wait and all that...if things dont' work out with my husband, i'm supposed to rely on love alone to make things work with someone else? We're not 18 in Kentucky. We're in our 30s, and we both know that jobs, careers, debt, etc matter...especially for women when picking a mate. This isn't news. Women can't look for work when pregnant (well, you CAN, best of luck finding a job, let alone you aren't eligible for FMLA anyway), you may not want to admit it buty ou need a guy to be constantly working in the event that you can't when you're pregnant/newly given birth.

Why am i so effing angry today???? It's not like I would ahve kept the baby, that's definitely not an option. But maybe i'm also mad because part of that choice wasn't ever there for ME, because I feel like I made teh choice to be a single mom or not (assuming the baby wasn't Joey's).

There's some gorgeous houses on the street where he lives, and he said yesterday for the first time that one particular house was attainable in his eyes. I don't know why this got me MAD. Maybe becuase *I* don't even aspire for a home like that, and i HAVE a home...i'm aspiring for something with a driveway. That's it. A driveway. And no attached wall. Something that isn't a townhouse but my insurance company calls it a "condo". I'm mad because he says he wants this so effing bad, this "us"...and yes, things are going super well with Joey...but I guess i just want him to put his money where his mouth is and PROVE IT. NOt for me, but for any girl you want to be with, for any family you say you want, if you want it PROVE IT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I wish I could scream at him that all of his dicking around, he in the past 12 months could have honed in some wicked Photoshop skills, built the most incredible portfolio. I have a girlfriend who's a graphic's designer, her portfolio is full of "fake" menus, advertisments, brochures, etc. He could easily have learned so much stuff on his own having already the basics down, could have learned Illustrator to boot (since i had the CD to give him), could have done the odd small logo-building gig here or there, just enough to pay that rent of his which I don't think is even that much.

And the killer part is: if i say anything, it's like i'm judging, when this is me saying "i think you're talented, you should max it out and make $$ off of it". I have a nephew through marriage the same way, i was the only one pushing him towards college, REALLY pushing when no one else was, and then i was accused of being judgmental. No, it's called "this is hwo the real world works, and ihave so much faith in you that's why i'm pushing you like this, you're better than what everyone else thinks, prove to them that you can do more".

Okay. I'm bitching and i probably am making no sense.

I just have resentment. I have resentment becuase the odd time my brain goes into "what if i had kept the baby" mode, if it wasn't Joey's, i would have been a single mom because I don't trust when someone says "if you hadkept it, i would have turned things around"...i needed him to show me that long before conception.

Yeah. I'm a bitch.

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1:06pm

Sigh, i AM a bitch...Chandler IMed me and i started talkinga bout the abortion and he was great.

I'm just having a hard time becuase i realized on friday it'll be the 2nd trimester. This would have been the time where I could have told people. This weekend I would have had people gushing and congratulating me or getting texts saying "a little birdie told me the good news!"...

Instead, i'm going skiing. Which you'd think, "yeah awesome good for you!". Um, no. If I were pregnant, I wouldn't be skiing.

And then i looked up online what it would have looked like. I was shocked, since I haven't looked reallythis entire time. I only looked at the 5th week mark. The 12th week, it's a full-on little dude. The size of a kidney bean, but still.

I feel like i didn't get rid of it. I feel like the ghost of it lingers around me, haunts me, and it's growing anyway.

I can't think.

I can't breathe.

46 days, and still freaking out.

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8:39 pm

Summary: bawled on and off tonight.

Thank God for both Chandler and Joey. Damn i'm an asshole.

Chandler for just being...sigh well the only person who loves me the way he does.

Joey for being just cool about stuff tonight...letting me do my work call without flack.

I love them both in different ways.

Oh but bawled over baby stuff. Everything from it being this weekend that i would tell people i was pregnant...to how developed the baby would be...to Chandler's roommate's kid in a highchair. Seeing that just made me LOSE IT.