23 Days Later - one day of mental freedom

8:50 am

Yesterday was the first day I haven't written here since I found out I was pregnant. My friend's wedding was that day, and themoment I woke up it was go-go-go.

I have to admit...yesterday as crazy as it was, was a wonderful reprieve from the abortion/life things that have tormented me as of late. It only briefly crossed my mind at times and well, i had Chandler stuff that was consuming my mind more importantly. Even with one of the bridesmaids who had given birth who got drunk and just kept talking about having given birth, it started to not phase me. It was a little tough when someone who had a 3week old came witht heir baby to the wedding...but then i also became obsessed with how great she looked so my poor self esteem trumped my depression over the baby thing.

There was also considering drama that involved Joey seeing a text Chandler sent me (which my instinct told me not to leave my phone with him, but i didn't know where to put it once i wore my dress for the ceremony...i ended up taking it back after he saw it and kept it in my bra the entire ceremony, which I could have done the whole time. Since it was already loose in the boobs, it actually added a level of padding that I needed to keep the dress up.)

I need to get over my depression. It's not going to change what I did.

But how do I know if i'm just brushing aside the hurt inside instead of dealing with it?

How do you KNOW when you've dealt with it? It's not like I'm thinking "what if I had kept it"...it was a non-issue. Or is that the problem...that I want a child so effing bad, but becuase of my retardedness I put myself in a situation where I had to get rid of it despite wanting it.

Or maybe it's also that the feelings I felt before are so drastically different than the way I felt after the surgery. The physical feelings that changed the instant I woke upand all my pregnancy symptoms were gone...it was STRANGE. And in a bizarre way, I miss it.

Today i will finish up the last of the work I had due that I didn't finish while I was going through my drama...it'll be nice to have that stress off my back.

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6:50 pm

I seriously appreciate people's comments on this site. I actually didn't think I'd get so many.

Right now I'm cooking 2 types of marinated indian chicken, and one Paprika Chicken with Mushrooms....and already i'm thinking about how being with Chandler, i actually LIKE being domesticated. I used to get excited at the thought of maybe having a household partnership, and having a family...

With Joey, I know it doesn't phase him if I make a microwave meal vs. a real meal (unless it's a HUGE deal that takes all day and he knows it).

But with Chandler, I have to keep reminding myself that we're toxic and full of drama. We're Ike and Tina fo' sho. Ladies, don't ever have even a one night stand (not that I did with him, it didnt' start that way), your affair could turn into full on to love.

Last night, amidst all the drama involving me/joey/Chandler's texts/joey SEEING a text from Chandler, so many people came up to me to tell me how lucky I am to have Joey, how adorable he is, what a great guy he is, how much they love him, etc. The bridesmaid who had given birth got plastered drunk (being baby-free for the night) and she spent FOREVER telling Joey how awesome he was, and how much she just wanted to fit him in her pocket (her husband was there, it was funny, not a come-on kind of way), and how badly she wants us to meet midway in Del Mar for pizza after work. Really...other than an incredible lack of physical attraction for Joey (and oftentimes a general "hey i want to hang out with you" desire), I do have a fantastic husband.

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8:35 pm

So hard, so hard, so hard to not contact Chandler. To wonder if i'm closing a door on someone who could have been the father of my child.


Damn. "My child". Have i said that yet?

One night when I was wallowing in the abortion and needed someone to talk to, Chandler and i were out on the patio with a bottle of wine...i'm sure he felt awkward, but he tried his best to be there while still making me laugh...and indulged me in all the stupid questions I ask him. Which ended up with him stepping on the firepit to show me how they learn to fight in the Marines, how to get to someone's face when they're blocking it, how they put you in and each person gets a chance to beat the crap out of each other. It was sweet, it was funny, and i know he probably inside felt like "please please let this take her mind off of her pain".

Oh damn, i just saw the best interaction on Desperate Housewives as to how to get Carl to change so Bree would leave Orson and marry him. Okay, not real life at ALL, but her request was so so perfect, why can't i have thought of that pitch.

The problem with "breakups" is that afte ryou have one, you forget all the things that infuriated you and you start to remember all the things that you can't bear to live without.

That being said, i had to block his email address, I keep going to unblock it (i still can see him when he's on IM), but then i tell myself that this is IT.

It's not even ethics at this point.

it's my own beliefs in what i want for MYSELF.

If i want to have kids, I need to be able to show them the things my parents didn't teach me: boundaries, how adults behave, and how to have self respect for yourself. Specifically for the latter: that you have the right to be upset, to not have to suffer through unhappiness for the sake of appeasing someone else.

I want to be allowed to be upset, to speak, to have a fair trial.

I want to be able to show any future kids that self-worth is something their allowed to have. And that loving someone doesn't have to be done by giving up your own happiness...if you are making sacrifices or compromises but you're still unhappy, then don't feel guilty for that.

Now if only I can teach that to myself.

I cried today while listening to this today:

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

I can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice, when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say;
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

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11:06pm

Okay this makes me an asshole, but damn if making a baby with Chandler woudn't be the funnest thing he and I would do...it wouldn't stress him out, he'd get a kick out of it, and we'd be at it like bunnies.

I have to wonder why I'm choosing to be with a guy who doesn't seem to be that interested in having kids vs. a guy who is aching to have a family with me??