25 Days Later - really? twenty five?

2:27 pm

I can't concentrate...stuff that i should have done yesterday i didn't do, my boss just reminded me that i didn't do my midyear reviews (um pretty easy: i havent' done sh*t in the past month and a half), and i got a call from our department lead about the status of something. How do I say: "why yes, i think i've done great considering that i've had to sit at work and try despertely hard to not have a complete meltdown, so A+ for effort in appearing to work"

I had a brief moment of cramps today at lunch, I wondered if maybe that wasn't from the surgery but rather, from maybe my period starting? It's funny the things that will remind you of stuff. Our lunch took forever, and one guy went to get the status, and we were all "yeah yeah, they're going to tell him 'it's coming out right now' or 'it's finishing right now' even if they haven't started cooking it yet".

And then I was reminded of the follow-up, a room of us girls either doing follow-ups or waiting for medical abortions. And waiting forever, not being able to let Chandler know that he could go get food, not wanting to be there in that room.

How are you supposed to go back to normal after something as private and unpleasant as this? Even though it doesn't consume my mind like before, there's always little t hings that remind me of all of this. Baby talk of course, but even when i think of where we went to eat after..i LOVE that place...and in my brain, it will forever be the place where I went right after an abortion.

Dont' cry, don't cry...

Some t hings i don't remember so well anymore, mostly the crap leading up to it 'cause it was a lot of waiting around. But after I was out...I remember it...i remember what the weather was like, I remember being giggly that Chandler was wearing his uniform despite that I also just wanted to curl up in a ball and ponder wtf i just did to my body and the intense pain in my hand...his nervousness and anxiety...ugh that stupid 1970's pad they give you (omg it was horrible to take off, I think i had to cut it or something because it had these metal hooks)...realizing we needed more napkins or something and I got up to get it and we argued about who would get them and it was just NICE that he was like "you're insane. I can get it. You had surgery".

I mean, the surgery isn't so bad that you can't move around. I would say a good chunk was psychological. Lord knows my hand was my biggest problem, i seriously don't know any pain EVER like that, and i've had everything from stiches on my forehead to knives going through my hand and hitting the bone, i didn't even notice all those times. Really, I just felt achy.

I'd say the feeling isn't like you can't go shopping or something. It's that your body seems to scream at you "go to bed and cuddle a teddy bear!".

Especially since in my house, it's like the abortion never happened. That night, having to be all cool. The next night, the bachelorette party, having to entertain and be the best hostess ever. it's like walking through my front doors, i have to lock away the part of my brain that had it. Same thing with work. Which doesn't leave too many places where I can THINK.

So my confirmation for that abortion workbook says between Nov 20th to the 25th. Which is really going to blow because shortly after, my mother is going to come stay with me. NOT ideal. I'm already an emotional basket case since this whole thing, my defenses are so low, all it'll take is her critisizing ONE thing and i'll just bawl and scream at her.

GOD i feel like i've been on one big hormonal and emotional rollercoaster.

I was trying to find my mp3 player (havent' gone to the gym in ages and when i went last night i couldn't find it) in mywork drawer and I saw the boots that I wore during the surgery. Why do I still ahve them? I don't know. It's just weird how you have to wear NOTHING (although i got to wear my socks under the booties), like there's some sort of abortion uniform. MAN that shower cap was the worst of it, i refused to wear it till the very end. Carrying your plastic bag of stuff all around with you (which weighs a ton when you have to shove your purse in there too), wearing a horrible surgery outfit that barely fits, freezing the whole time.

I dont' have Post Abortion Stress Syndome. I straight up have PTSS at this rate.

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7:53 pm

OMG.

I'm such an asshole. With all the drama from stuff from Saturday with Joey seeing Chandler's texts, none of which i want to get into, but he came in and I said i needed to talk to him and for him to sit down...then i said that i wanted to replace our $100 trash can because we just can't get the funky trash odors out of it and our house is just nasty as a result. I would never normally blow $100 for a trash can, but we got a Crate & Barrel gift card when we moved into an apartment years ago, and i thought it was wisest to spend it on something practical like that. Anyway, I said it all serious like "i want to talk to you about something"....but then i immediately said "we need a new trash can"

He burst into tears. I was like "what?" and he said "I had this rush feeling like either you were going to tell me you were pregnant or that you were going to leave me or worse, that you're pregnant and it's not mine".

Sigh. While i've been an asshole and Chandler has been a mini-asshole because he too was in on this, it's not like Joey has gone against our vows. Especially since I said i was moving back home, he's been making efforts. And I've had one foot out the door the whole time. Which goes against my own beliefs, it really does. I don't LIKE cheating. So much that every time I even hugged Joey, i felt like I was cheating on Chandler. I avoided all affection with Joey just because it feels weird to just pass physical emotion from one dude to another. That's not how i want to live.

Why does it feel like this abortion nightmare isn't over?

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8:10 pm

For some reason I decided just to type the word "abortion" into Google. Nothing else. Just "abortion".

Of course, Wikipedia came up.

There's a section on Abortion and Mental Health . It says for the most part all these mental health associations haven't found anything that would say there's a severe psychological issue after having an abortion, other than sadness, and that a lot of the psych issues were there BEFOREHAND. It suggests that PAS was a term coined by pro-lifers.

It had a blurb though that the 10% of women who have crazy problems after abortions can be matched with the number of women who have extreme depression after childbirth. Interesting.

It also said this:

Men
The psychological response of male partners to abortion has been the subject of limited research. A study of 75 men in Sweden found that most participating men agreed with their partner's decision to have an abortion, and that many experienced a complex mix of emotions including anxiety, responsibility, guilt, relief and grief. Other small studies have suggested that abortion can be a point of conflict when partners disagree about it,and that like women, many male partners experience an ambivalent mix of emotions in response to their partner's abortion, underscoring the complexity of the abortion issue.

Uh right. So they're saying all of 75 men questioned most of them agreed with the chick's decision but also felt a ton of emotions and sometimes abortion causes problems in relationships. Thank you Wikipedia.