47 Days Later - MUST be positive today. Must.

10:17 am

I thought about just skipping changing the dates becuase doing that daily is becoming a pain in my ass, but last thing I need is for anyone I know who's secretly had an abortion stumble upon this and clue in that it's me based on some of the events i'm writing about.

Yesterday was a bad day, there's no WAY i can get into that frame of mind again today.

I read this:

Life's up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals - Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want.

Which is pure cheese but I can say the abortion has definitely taught me things about myself that I didn't realize before.

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10:30pm
Drama with my mom and her visit. This is NOT what i need. I already have no time to myself to handle the situation, let alone having to be around her 24/7 when i'm not at work. And now she wants to stay longer. I can't hack it. My self esteem is already shot to hell, i'm trying to REBUILD "me" right now...in order to handle her, I have to be the strongest "me" possible which is rare. I love my mom, I think she's pretty damn incredible, but if there's anything she can do is push my buttons.

I have a huge issue when people are passive-aggressive. It's such a crappy form of manipulation. My mother is pretty good at it, and she shrugs her shoulders when you get mad and says "what? All i'm saying is x y z" and you're like "uh no, that's not 'all' you're saying and you know it".

Anyway.

In other news, I'm nervous all of a sudden. Today i've been exhausted (I took a nap in the morning at work, and then left work early and took ANOTHER nap, and now it's 10:33pm, i should be wired right? Wrong, i'm ready to pass out again) and i've eaten like food is going out of style. I.e: i have pregnancy symptoms. Now all of this will hopefully be in my head (becuase I shouldn't be....and I only JUST did stuff with Chandler), basically another reason to stay away from that boy. My desire for him never stops. Best to avoid temptation.

Which will be easier with my mom here anyway.

Anyway, in other news Joey found out insurance covers 50% of his fertility testing, however that begs the question: 50% of WHAT exactly? But i told him I don't care, put it on a credit card. I don't care. I don't care. I refuse to NOT be pregnant in 2010.

My new year's resolution can be summed up as: I need to get my life on track.