21 Days Later - it just began

12:57 am

Hard to call it "21 days" when the day only started. Up again doing work.

Today I spoke to a counselor of a support group in san diego, she was crazy crazy nice. She said if there's no groups yet (she works with someone else to get the list of chicks going) she offered to meet one on one whenever...i was hesitant, but then she said that she'd had one at some point so she gets it. I'm actually pretty stoked.

I havent called that Exhale line, mostly 'cause i am temporarily sharing my office with someone and uhh not a call i can make. And after work it's too hard with Joey around. But it's good to know it's there, i've read good stuff about it.

Chandler commented on something today, and now i'm wondering...at this rate, am I not grieving enough and trying to plow forth? I never get TIME to sit and cry about it, i have to plaster a smile on almost 24/7.

I still get the odd cramp, but it's usually jsut brief and then goes away. Since i never really had them before, that's the only reason why I'm noticing.

It's a little odd not knowing when you'll get your next period. They told me to let them know if I don't get it by Dec 16th. that's crazy to me. It also shows how the instant you get pregnant, despite terminating it, the hormones and crap really do a number on your entire system.

A month and a day since i found out i was pregnant...I remember i did another pregnancy test to make sure. And the lines came up INSTANTLY, there was none of this "wait 3 minutes" BS...urine hadn't even fully traveled up the stick and the extra line showed up. I wish someone would tell that to people w ho are trying to conceive, when i was in that phase last year i would hold the stick up to the light praying that what i was seeing was the positive sign. And iknow other women do that too. It should just say on the box "listen, if you don't see it it's not happening. you'll know it. you'd be blind to not see the extra line. If it's super light and faint, it's just your urine spreading the blue dye. That's all."

Really all that's whacky now is my biological clock. But i gotta get my crap figured out with the Joey/Chandler thing before i even do that route. Which involves wishing i could make two of me...i love them both for different reasons. But..this isn't a relationship blog, and I'm boring myself with my own relationship drama.

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12:04pm

I'm happy to have my friend's wedding as a distraction to real life, however i'm not stoked with the weight situation at ALL. I just have to suck it up and realize that exercising is a must, regardless. Plus, if i ever get pregnant again, i want to be back into the habit of working out...this past year has been the laziest i've ever been for working out.

I wonder what it is exactly that has me so incredibly SAD ever since this whole thing. It wasn't like while i had it that i feeling all warm and fuzzy...i was weirded out, like an alienwas in me. It didn't seem normal or natural at all.

I guess i'm sad because

1. i WANT kids. I've wanted kids. It became a big problem in my marriage, the situation with trying to get pregnant. It became my obsession. Then i had it...but couldn't keep it. Ignorance was bliss.

2. I don't even know who the father was, and it's just sad when you're married but unhappy, but still feel like you have to make it ONE last effort...along with having someone who loves you to the depths of his soul, i literally can feel his love for me pulsing through his veins, but because of circumstances, we couldn't even see what it would be like 'normally' and how many of our problems are due to the situation.

3. Everything involving kids, or growing old, makes me think of it. Or it makes me think of growing old, whichever.

4. Damn the crying starts...the ultrasound didn't freak me out per se, there was no baby to see, just that pregnancy sack. But the image...it's in my head...going routinely and watching it grow, excited about one day meeting the one thing inside of you that you will love and protect even if it means giving up everything else.

5. I'm sad because i feel like for what i did, it means i would be a horrible mother.

6. I'm sad because having a baby adds meaning...i feel worthless and useless and frankly, i'm bored with life...not that having a baby is for boredom, but i've gone as far as i can go in life in terms of goals like high school, college, career, house, marriage...it's the next natural step, and i was at a stop for years, and then...i had meaning.

For a brief moment, i was the the only thing keeping something else alive. I know there's no emotions, heck there was no heartbeat, but you start to imagine it being conscious inside of you, relying on you, depending on you to take care of it from the very start.

fuck, bring on the tears. Of which, i have maybe 15 mins to cry before i have to clean up and go to the rehearsal. one...two...three....go! cry! get it out of your system 'cause you don't know the next time you can.

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2:54 pm

Damn bridal stuff makes me tired. Did the rehearsal. One of the bridesmaids recently gave birth, so it's been nonstop baby talk.

I had a "your butter" moment with Chandler today. (I'll explain that later). I dont' know if i've ever had one. I just realized that he talked more about change than ACTUAL change...just saying you've changed doesn'tmake it so. And if you're changing what YOU think is important, okay that's fine...but that doesn't guarantee the people who love you will care about that as much as the things that directly impact them. It was like i realized that nothing had changed, really...and wtf, I'M the one who sucked it up last night and asked him for breakfast, of course i would have treated, i'm the one who came to pick him up, i'm the one who wanted tomake sure we maxed out hanging out time...truthfully, i remembered a year ago when we met at the pancake place, and it still brings warm fuzzies. But being 18 minutes late, despite a text saying when i was leaving, a hug and an apology when he got in the car, still constituted him saying "bullshit" when i said that I didn't pay attention to the time in the am and was like "oh crap, i'ts 8 already!"

Or why i stopped at the ATM (because i wanted to pay in cash for breakfast so i'd have change for the tip for the mani/pedi immediately after, and NO i couldn't do it after breakfast because i didn't know where there's a BoA on the path from his place to the pedicure place...

Like seriously? A girl you say you love asked to treatyou to breakfast, comes to pick you up, gets up early herself just to see you on a day when she's swamped but still at least TRIES to make the effort, apologizes and hugs you when you get in the car...and you seriously want to rip into her that she's lying for the reasons she's EIGHTEEN MINUTES LATE? That you want to call BS on me for not knowing the time, when every single time i'm WITH him i never notice the time...i've been late or completely missed things because i lose track of time with him...for the extra trillion hours i've stayed past when i was supposed to leave, he can't cut me slack on EIGHTEEN MINUTES?

So, i lost it. I wasn't going to take an entire day of him flipping on me, nor was i going to tolerate someone telling me "bs" that i didn't look at the time...no, in the mornings, I'm rushing, looking at the time doesn't make me move any faster. Oh and that's another thing...how many times he was still getting ready when we had a time established, and when i rushed him he flipped on me. I wasn't going to tolerate something that he's WITNESSED me doing. I wasn't going to tolerate it because there was no point...you don't call bullshit on someone when they're 18 mins late in the morning, especially when there's more traffic than usual, school bus crap, and i went to bed at 4am doing work.

I wasn't going to tolerate it because that's what *I* need for him to work on and change, but I get to hear for months all the things I need tochange (i had reached my limit on that one back in the BJs' parking lot...it really was like, "enough, i get it, i'm broken, i have a billion things to fix")...but it hit me: this is straight up manipulation, and i fell for it AGAIN...provocation is a type of manipulation, and it allows you to be the victim.

And naturally, he had to make a comment about a CD from 2002 that i had left there by accident..."interesting stuff"...of course, boundaries? what? you think you had the right to go through something from 2002? It's not like i knew you, i wasn't even married, but OF COURSE...he goes through sh*t. I grew up with parents who did that, I have NO DESIRE to be with a guy who wants to snoop through a CD of random pictures, wedding planning, and work writing samples.

I can list a billion other boundary-crossing actions, but that's not the point.

He sent me an email thanking him for setting me free, and commented on being sincere. PLEASE. You can't get more manipulative than that. If you've been set free, then you don't TELL someone. You do it to get under their skin, to make them panic that they've lost you forever.

Sigh, i feel like i've spent all week apologizing to him...i've started saving IMs (which is sad...doing it as a CYA...and it's been quite helpful actually...), and i'm shocked.

Really what it comes down to is...

I'm definitely not the same person as before the surgery. I'm not. I have no defenses. I don't enjoy fighting, i don't have the energy, and my heart is pure putty to the people I love.
Apparently some of the changes have been good, such as putting the wall down and being more honest.
But that also includes realizing that i need to stick by the things that make me unhappy and not encouragewhen them. Things that when they happen, i can feel my self esteem eroding. Or i think "who is this girl? That's not me. That's not me at all".
I'm not saying i don't contribute, far from it.

But there's a level of hypocrisy that I can make serious charts and graphs to show it seems like there's a level of perfection i must attain. It makes me tiptoe, it makes me paranoid, it makes me stutter, it makes me fearful

((CRAP...i had this open on one laptop, but then edited and saved it on another laptop, but then saved THIS version, which cut off the rest of what i had created. Dammit.))