20 Days Later - here's hoping

2:19am

Yes, another late night but this time i actually got some work done, trying to catch up on everything since the news that I was pregnant.

A month ago on this day, I found out I was pregnant.

It seems like its been a year.

Yesterday I shredded all the paperwork from the abortion clinic. For some reason, the more evidence of the abortion that goes away, the less I feel like myself. I thought it would be the other way around...that once the injection/IV marks were gone, when i had no more bleeding, when the paperwork was gone, when the bill was paid...i would be The Old Me.

But really, it's like removing all the traces of what transitioned the old me to the new me. This girl I don't even recognize. I've been making plans, but they all seem retarded in the grand scheme. Cookie exchanges, ski trips, orphan thanksgivings, 5ks...probably because i'm SUPPOSED to be pregnant. Those things would have a different meaning if I were. Now...it's like i'm an actor on stage, and i get a moment's relief to try to reconnect when someone yells "cut".

Really, nothing seems important anymore. Just pay the bills, make sure the cats are okay, sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.

It's absolutely adorable though when Chandler tries to remind me that at least this shows I wasn't infertile, that i can "have babies". But despite that reminder, why do I feel like that was my only shot?

It aches to not know that in 8 months would have been someone in my arms that would have been a part of me, came from my frickin' body, that i'd love the instant i met. It's such a weird, weird feeling.

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8:40am

I'm popping diuretics like they're candy...my weight is totallyb ack up from all the depression of everything and the eating of junk. so much for the brief moment of reprieve after losing some of the "baby weight". It's a killer, this weekend was the ONE WEEKEND all year that i needed to be toned and crap. I havent' even thought about the gym since the day i got pregnant...one month ago...anyway, i figure at this rate i need to shed all the water weight from the mass consumption of salt.

I started to freak out this morning, what if i'm still pregnant, maybe they made a mistake in the follow-up.

The emotions started to hit me again, reading a friend's Facebook feed that her 3rd son is having hearing issues and she's having a hard time getting into some testing center. That wasn't the big deal as much as her saying that when people tell her to wait, she says she has 2 other boys that were born premature and they were more developed at that age and how she just knows when something is wrong. This motherly instinct concept just hit me hard I guess.

Maybe I just want to feel important. I don't know.

Really it's just that this whole abortion thing has whacked out my biological clock. It was already really, really high. Now it's SUPER high to the Nth degree with extreme doubts about my abilities.

At the end of the day I always think "wtf am I doing with my life? Seriously??"