15 Days Later - recovery begins?

(lovely. i started to get emotional and wanted to write in here, and right when i did that Joey came up, started talking to me, kissing my forehead with his overly-unshaven face which huurrrts, and now had hopped in the shower. Seriously...ALL day he was downstairs playing video games, NOW he has to come up? When i need to cry and unload???)


1:20 pm

Now that the follow-up is over, it's like the only things that remained as evidence of my surgery are now gone...now it's all in my mind.

My appointment was at 2 yesterday, got there around 1:45 with Chandler. No wireless, poor guy had brought his laptop. The tv this time wasn't airing the history of Afro-Cuban music...it was Maury Povich and some woman who's husband took a lie detector test and showed he got all sorts of STDs from cheating with over 10 women.

I saw the girl from 2 weeks ago who had the horrible MGD tattoo behind her neck and lip piercings. It's funny how different people look when they're not wearing jogging pants and the look of "i'm having an abortion" on their face.

I filled out some more paperwork, then waited...waited...I was freaking out about something due at work, I managed to barely access my work email through the teenie web interface on my phone.

I peed in a cup at one point, then went back and waited, waited. Some lady was having some sort of hissy fit about something, and CHandler was being a smart-ass about her a bit loud...having him there actually did make me feel better. I guess I was weirded out a bit because when I had been there waiting, it was early on a Friday morning with a room full of chicks waiting for surgery. On a Friday afternoon for a follow-up, it suddenly morphed into a normal clinic.

So they called me back, and I was stuck in a room for an hour with a ton of women just WAITING. Then they got backlogged and women had to be sent back to the office. Chandler doesn't have a cell right now, so I couldn't text him to tell him to go grab something to eat, i felt awful knowing he was starving. Nor could I text his email since there was no internet in the lobby.

After talking a bit with the girls in there, i figured out the situation: friday mornings = surgical abortions. Friday midday = medical (pill) and follow-ups. The obnoxious loud girl was complaining about how the only reason she got the medical abortion was because no one, not even her husband, could pick her up 'cause no one would leave work. I acted understanding, but geezus chr1st, if a friend of mine needed a ride after an abortion i'd take an effing day off work.

This room was the same room i was in where I had to change and get my blood pressure taken. They had built some sort of wall around the lady's desk, so the other girls couldn't hear anything although really, you could. At this point I was suicidedly bored. Was texting Rachel like crazy, along with another friend who had an abortion at the same place (but obviously she has no idea i ever got an abortion). I get called up to the little desk with faux wall. The lady there is this old lady who was adorable, but slow as molasses and clearly the reason for the bottleneck.

She told me that the pregnancy test came up negative but that my "ppos was 2" or something like that, and i'm like "2? 2 what? what does that mean?" and she tells me that the ultrasound chick will tell me. Oh earlier I had ran into the ultrasound chick in the hallway, and I thanked her for being so great 2 weeks, that she had made the experience much better.

((Joey just came out of the shower, which means now i'm distracted and I can't fully unload. Argh. ))

The adorable old lady then tells me i can start taking baths, use tampons, and have sex (which made me cringe...it's like your grandmother telling you that you can have sex). OH at various points during the day they tried to talk to me aobut birth control, i suppose i could have gotten a month of pills for free but really i wanted to say "no sex. ever. again.", instead i lied and said "i'm going to get BC pills from my regular doctor" which shut them up.

FINALLY...i get to the ultrasound. As it turns out, after 5 weeks it's supposed to be like 5 grams of tissue taken out, but there was only 2 grams (or whatever measuring unit, i only remember the numbers). So that's why i had to do the ultrasound, so they could double check they got it all.

So she checked, took all of 20 seconds. She asked if i had questions, i was like "nope, you've got a lot more girls in there you need to see".

I got out...the lobby was empty. Looked for Chandler, he was outside, LIVID at the receptionist for ignoring him when he had questions (plus they kept saying i'd be out, uh yeah for hours?)

Felt awful.

Oh they told me if I don't get my period by Dec 16th, i should call them. I was afraid i'd forget but that's one of my best friend's birthdays.

After leaving Chandler (and him making a valid point regarding us, despite my bawling, he was absolutely correct in his storming off...I got too close again after going over last Saturday, and it's dicking him around.) it's like my fickle superficial life began. As it always does. Plaster the smile, act like stuff that doesn't matter...does.

Went and bought DJ Hero and Guitar Hero with Joey, watched some tv and tried to not cry at every baby something-or-other commercial.

Today is another superficial day. Going to a friend's yearly halloween party. Oh which of two slutty costumes will i wear despite feeling super fat and no desire to be slutty, sexy, whatever.

I'm kind of getting a kick out of some of the bible passages people are writing to me. I don't disrespect it...i think it's sweet that people who are religious still look to my welfare vs. flipping on me for killing life. I also am fascinated with people's abilities to memorize the Bible. That being said, my religion doesn't knock abortions (at least, early trimesters)...the idea is that if life can't sustain on it's own, then it's not life technically. Which is why if i'm on life support, pull the plug when my eyebrows need plucking again and/or my upper lip needs waxing. Whichever comes first. Still...my point is, it's kinda nice that no matter what people's belief systems are and that i'm a complete stranger, everyone's been nice instead of berating me for this decision.

I was a bit weepy earlier, but now i'm doing okay. Maybe...it'll be okay?

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6:01pm

And here i thought i was cool. Catching up on old Desperate Housewives, Susan telling Lynette how despite 9 months of puking and screaming when that gift arrives....a baby is a gift.

I LOST IT.

Just bawling at the thought of something that would have been part of me, coming out of me, loving unconditionally.

A little hand reaching for it's mother.

Sigh.

I feel like a fat ugly horrible person. It's a bizarre type of guilt. I know i had to do it...that wasn't even debatable. But then why do i still feel so awful, and miss something that wasn't mine to keep?

1 comments:

mama4x said...

I'm one of those religious people, although I haven't given you any scripture- and we look it up, we don't have all of it memorized- a joy of typing instead of talking. Re the idea "look to my welfare vs. flipping on me for killing life." If someone really is a follower of Christ, and knows what it is to be forgiven and in relationship with him, they would never judge another. My sin of laziness or lying is no worse in God's eyes than your adultery or abortion. Truly. God is so holy that the sins are all equal- people don't get that one "bad" sin could be "worse" than a "smaller" sin. So you are no worse of a sinner and no less able to be forgiven than any other person. If anyone makes you feel guilty instead of loving you, then they are judging you, which is not what a real Christian would do. God pulls us towards him with cords of loving kindness, not judgement and guilt or shame. He loves you and there's nothing you could do that would put you out of reach of his love and forgiveness.

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