The emotional aftermath

Before I tell you what it feels like now, let me tell you my views before.

I always always assumed I would get an abortion if i ever get pregnant before marriage. It wasn't even up for debate. i was miss "there's no heartbeat for weeks anyway blah blah".

Then when I wanted to have a baby, I could feel my opinion on abortion changing a little, but only because I wanted one so badly. I actually figured that if youre under 25, you should totally have the right to one but over 25, come ON...who's life can you really be ruining. Um right.

I still though never thought it was that big of a deal, more like a nuisance if anything.

Now let's go through all the reasons that i'm in shock, depression, and sometimes straight up nonstop crying (which isn't easy when you're married and your husband has no idea you did this):

1. I will forever be the girl who got an abortion. I have no problems with people who do, i just didn't think I'd be one of them. it's not a club i want to be a part of. I will always have to check that box on a health questionnaire.

2. The number of children I have will always be less than the number of pregnancies.

3. I got rid of something I spent forever wanting. And trying to get.

4. Uh the fact I didn't know who the father was.

5. that for a brief moment, i was a mother. Now i never thought i was until it was gone. But i realized when you're pregnant, you go by "mother" and "father" label before the baby is born. I was a mother. This is very very hard for me to work through.

6. The memories of that room. The stirrups.

7. Fears that maybe i fucked up my insides and can never have kids.

8. Having to hide the hormonal rollercoaster aspect. And feeling fat from all the eating I've done.

That's just a few off the top of my head. They change often. It really fucked with my head. And seeing my hand just freaks me out, it makes me squirm.

Oh and then there's the baby talk. In just 48 hours I had a pregnancy wisecrack made to me, I had someone ask me when I was going to have kids, and I had to sit through soemone telling me all about their childbirth experiences. All 3 different people at 3 different times.

Overall, i'm depressed because I feel icky. Just icky.