Hunger...and still 6 days to go

Wow, each hour is a whole new rollercoaster of emotions.

I'm upset today, my appetite is insane. I'm trying to not eat, because i know i'm eating too much. Not helping. My stomach is constantly growling.

Before I was peeing like a madman without consuming liquid, now I'm constantly thirsty. I drank all the arizona green tea in the house, now i'm moving onto crystal lite. Trying to not start at the soda, it took me awhile to get off that crap and the last thing i need is something else to add to the bloating.

When you're trying to get pregnant, you see babies and pregnant women everywhere.

This week I've seen nonstop tampon/pad/birth-control commercials. Before I went off the pill, i had been on it for 15 years. I took it religiously, down to the minute. If i was off by a few minutes, i got the morning after pill. And I always, always required a condom. I made my husband wear one until he was my fiance.

I had gone off it when we were trying to have kids, but for reasons I won't post here, that didn't happen. That's not to say either of us are infertile. I did however start to think i was. When i met Chandler, we had started using condoms, but then I went back on the pill when I separated from my husband. Then, I went back to my husband and stopped refilling the pill. I didn't anticipate I would continue having sex with Chandler. Each time I did, I would make him pull out (which the 18-year-old version of me would have screamed at myself now becauseyou can still get pregnant by pre-cum, or the guy not being quick enough) or I would take a ton of birth control pills as the morninga fter pill (which a pharmacist once told me. Then i looked it up. Totally true.)

I have a very, very strong stomach (while most people are getting food poisoning by something, I'm all "wassup? This is tasty!") but after doing the BC-pill-as-morning-after-pill route, which involves taking 4 in the morning, 4 at night, I became a huge vomitting mess. I was miserable. So I had to stop that route. And every time I vowed each week that eventually it would be over with Chandler and I (well, becuase we got in so many fights and we always said it was over. Sigh. Damn our connection. Everything about him makes me melt).

This past month I thought I'd try things based on taking those pee stick things that tell you when yo'ure ovulating. That's where the dilemma is. When the happy face came on (oh yes, I splurged on digital), by then it was another round of "it's over" with Chandler AND I figured it was time to truly assess, unbiased, what the deal was with my husband.

For some reason at that point, i was positive I was actually infertile. Or that he was shooting blanks. i don't know. And when I did stuff again with Chandler, it was outside of that "window".

Which then is the problem with the baby daddy situation. I did it once with Joey during the happy ovulating time. Did it more than a dozen times with Chandler. So...was it the one time that hit the spot? Or was it the quantity that did it?

I realize I sound like a stupid, stupid whore. I know. But I had been trying for over a year with my husband to get pregnant, and then you start to get this crazy paranoia that you're over 30, your odds are now down to 64% in a given month, that it's harder, that you might not be fertile at all, etc etc. I just started tot hink that I'd have to adopt or see a fertility specialist.

Yikes. Joey is home. Time to get my head on straight. As i eat some more.


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