13 Days Later - baby daddy drama

3:05 pm

I'm sitting here my heart racing at some words from Chandler...drama drama...when that guy can hurt, he's the stealthest ninja ever...you don't even realize you've been sliced and cut till he's already gone.

The only thing that stopped me from curling up in a ball at my desk was this that a friend sent me at the perfect time, God bless her:


Seriously. God bless her.

Yesterday was a bad day. Bad. Very bad. As in, I gave into an eating disorder habit that I've fought constantly to get over. Why did I get the one disorder that you still need in moderation...today sitting here struggling with not repeating it.

Probablyt he same for other addictions, that when you do it once or twice it's AWESOME...last night, i felt better after. I did. Straight up. Which makes it all too easy to do it again. Considering i feel puffy, fat, ugly, disgusting, it would be so easy to just keep eating and eating to try and numb everything.

I just want to be numb. The pain from all of this is so incredibly unbearable. It's not just the abortion, is the jacked up relationship with Chandler as well, the combo of the two is just ripping me apart. And i know he feels like he has nothing to offer me, when he has no idea that being there this past weekend was what stopped me from walking off the ledge.

Feeling like someone was there with arms, a kiss on the forehead, whispers that its okay...everything is okay to feel...

Which is the hardest part i guess. Growing up that feeling is bad...and i felt for so long with Joey that i couldn't feel, because everytime I spoke it resulted in something being broken (including my spirit). And then feeling the same from Chandler...damn I must purposely put myself in this situation, i must gravitate it...focusing on his needs and all of his problems with me, the laundry list, every day waking up to a message of the next thing i did wrong...right down to not guessing correctly what id id wrong...

I don't have the energy post-abortion for anything anymore. Relationships, etc. I'm struggling to keep my job (since it's been almost a month that i've been dealing with this). In the past month i've pretty much alienated myself from most of my friends, most having given up on me, others being all "uh wassup you haven't replied to anything in weeks".


I'm a selfish bitch for being wrapped up in all of this, for wanting to put myself up in a virtual blanket coccoon vs. the world, instead of focusing on everyone else's needs...i want to, i do, i swear i want to not be this asshole...but i just physically can't.

My heart feels like a big block of lead. The thought of lifting it exhausts me.

Actually, everything exhausts me. And it's my own fault, for having gone to Chandler this past weekend, feeling those arms around me comforting me...because now i know what it's like and what i want, but i can't have.

Do you know what it's like to feel incredible pain but have to smile and suck it up? it hurts. it's hard. The only times i can pull it off is when i can run to my car, drive it somewhere, then cry for like 5 mins, then snap out of it so i can drive back to work. Inside, right now, i'm a bawling disaster...on the outside, i'm trying to swallow the lump in my throat, my leg is twitching, and i've got tears in my eyes, every muscle stiff and and tense. This is how it is...at home, at work...i wanted it to not be that way around Chandler...well, i should know better. And i don't fault him...i'm the one who gravitated towards him. I'm the one that allowed this.

Truthfully, I feel so incredibly worthless. And i had something that made me...worthy...and i got rid of it. Like i had some sort of prom queen crown. It wasn't mine to have...but giving it up, it's like the light that was on me is gone and i'm left in some dark corner, back to being this unspecial worthless waste of space.

Okay that is seriously emo kid-quality right there. GOD i can't even be original when i'm wallowing in misery and pain.

can someone please tell Chandler to stop messaging my phone...i never ONCE accused him of being the cause of my drinking, not once...that's the 3rd time in a day he's accused me of something i didn't say, at least the other times i could copy/paste and show what i wrote...how do you tell someone you love that their words are like daggers? Sigh, i'm not innocent though, and it's my selfishness that keeps HIM on this leash too, because teh thought of him being with someone else, when he loves...he gives his entire heart. The thoughto fhim having a kid with someone else...i would be so, so happy for him because he would be ecstatic...but of course the selfish bitch in me would be so, so bitter.

Tomorrow...tomorrow it'll be over. The last of the appointments. The last pregnancy test. The last time someone who's NOT my doctor checks my girly parts.

I haven't shaved my bikini area since the surgery, i don't really care since sex is the last thing i want (despite this replacement baby feeling...and that Saturday, somehow i wanted to literally rape Chandler i've never felt that intense before, he really would have had no choice if i didn't stop myself)...i feel as attractive as a bloated baby beluga.

So where are we almost two weeks later? Well it felt super bad at first, plus those stupid pads didn't help. Then i got a reprieve, maybe 'cause i had Chandler to turn to, and now we're back to feeling disgusting, self-hatred, definite thoughts of suicide or at least, self-harming behaviors. Oh, and ability to concentrate = 0.

I sit here at work, wondering what the point is. Then i think how if i had something to look forward to at home and something that i had to keep my job for in order to protect and take care of, then i'd haul ass all day. Man, my 8 hours would be productive. But now...what's the point? Seriously, what the fuck is the point? Somehow my entire body for the past few years has wanted nothing else but a child, something to make the years of staying in my parents' violent household till i was 23 worth it, studying something mind-numbingly boring worth it, the suffering in a place that will never feel like home to me, fighting the eating disorder, the daily grind of jobs that amazingly transitioned to a career...something to make it all worth it.

The problem is that when you feel like your life doesn't have much meaning, then there's not much point in keeping it around.

Joey is going out tonight. I so badly want to down a bottle of pills and just forget. I want something that will remove this hurt.

Last night I had to go out with joey because I felt bad over the weird way i've been acting. And while it was pleasant, it wasn't some fancy romantic date night. In order to ensure that he wouldn't even THINK about sex, when we got on a topic about WW2 i kept pushing something that i knew drove him nuts (he's very, very pro-America...whereas i tend to think like...well...the rest of the world...since i'm from another country, parents from other countries, that reps from 3 countries vs. his biased american view...come ON...and i didn't even say i was right, my argument was "maybe there's another perspective that's all")...

I'm not happy being with joey. I wasn't happy with Chandler. Is the problem me? If that's the case, then i'm just going to suck it the fuck up and just plow through life or off myself.

MY GOD...years of therapy and self-improvement efforts down the drain.

I feel like i committed the worst crime ever.

Sh*t i cant' breathe. going outside. it's not even 4. don't cry again. don't.

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4:06pm

i am NOT doing okay.

i mean, really not okay.

words of "you are selfish as hell" repeating in my head

ninja he is indeed. Trying to tell myself that of one thing people have told me, it's that i'm NOT selfish, i'm not selfish enough, that i give a lot fo myself to my friends...

i already felt like a selfish asshole for taking up 3 days since the surgery to talk his ear off about the pain i was in.

i am selfish as hell...i can't seem to shake everything that i'm feeling off of me, and it's all "me me me" right now as a result. And i'm so effing weak...someone could say they don't like my shoes and i'd probably jump off a cliff. Everything since the abortion has made me weak. I want my shields back, right now i'm faking that i have them.

What if i never get those shields back. It's been 13 days since the abortion and just from the stuff i've been around i know i'm definitely not as strong as i once was.

***********************************************************************************
4:31pm

sigh. i guess that really is it with Chandler. peace offerings and olive branches get swearing and nit picking over him saying pluralization of texts (of which, he messaged me to my phone. I can't send a text to his IM first, i need something to reply to, and he sent 5, i didn't reply to them all...so don't make it sound like i "keep" messaging when YOU initiated it!!! and my last one was a peace offering, since when is THAT bad???)

i'm more than just sick and tired of needing fucking permission from fucking men to fucking FEEL SOMETHING. everything right nwo FEELS TOO MUCH. I just want to fucking numb everything.

I actually went outside and contemplated checking myself into a hospital. But i don't know how that works..."hi, i'm thinking i'm going to down a bunch of shit so help me?"...that's retarded.


I just need to stop everything that's been hurting since the 16th.
This is so fucking isolating.

If i'm going to be home alone tonight, then i really am scared for what i'm going to do.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog and I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. You are not alone, and you are NOT worthless. From my experience with friends and relatives that have had abortions, I know you are not alone in the feelings that you are having.

Support groups have really helped a lot of women that are going through the same feelings as you. I'm not sure what area you are in but I have heard many good things about Rachel's Vineyard: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/ and several other organizations as well.

However, I have also found that no matter how hard people try to be there for us and fulfill us (or perhaps don't try), they will fail us. It is physically impossible for them to meet all of our physical, mental and spiritual needs. Understanding that left me really questioning what the point of life was, why we are here, and whether it is possible to find true happiness here on earth. But it also was the beginning of finding true freedom and love. I found that freedom through understanding that there is a God who created us and who loves us- each and every one of us, and that there is a way to be forgiven for my sins, for all of the things that I beat myself up about.

This is not a matter of religion, rather it’s a relationship. The Bible says in Rom. 3:23 that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. And in Rom. 6:23a “for the wages of sin is death” Because God is perfect, we need to become perfect before we can be in a relationship with Him, because he must punish all wrongdoing. But the Bible also says in Rom. 6:23b “But the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” and in John 3:16- “for God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life”. God sent a part of himself, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross as a payment for all of our sins (the past, present and future), so that we could be viewed as perfect in God’s eyes. And eternal life does not only apply to after we die, but to the here and now. Since encountering the love of Christ and allowing him to pay the penalty for my sins, I am alive. I no longer feel dead, numb or alone because I have been given life through Christ Jesus and God’s Spirit is with me. It says in 1 Cor. 3:16, when speaking to those who had accepted Christ’s forgiveness- “Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?” The only thing that is necessary to have this joy is to “confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” –Rom. 10:9

“I have come that they may have LIFE, and have it to the FULL”- John 10:10

Please let me know if you have any questions or need someone to talk to. I am praying for you.

Elisia
(elisia.renee@gmail.com)

mama4x said...

I know I am commenting on something that may be very old- but what you said about faking it, the plastic smile, the pretending- really resonated with me. I too was in a crummy marriage and pretended for everyone. When I finally stopped the pretense I found such freedom. I was surprised, and you may find this too, that when you are honest that people love you and support you in a way you don't expect. I know abortion is different than marriage crap, but there are people out there who can love you through this. I am also praying for you. You will feel the aftermath of this resonating for years, and time will help.

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