The beginning of the end.

Right when the affair ends.
That's when the pregnancy test goes positive.

There's irony in this that if I posted, you would know who I am.

The one month ever that I get sloppy. The first time in, well if i told you you'd also know who I am. I actually believed I was infertile, although I don't have any legit reason to think that.

Sunday things end with the affair guy. Let's call him Chandler.
Monday I take the pregnancy test.
Monday I contact the only friend i trust to not tell anyone else, who has had 2 of these. Thanks GOD for her.
Monday I spend all day researching abortion clinics. I live in a relatively upscale town so I pick one that's in a posh neighborhood. Maybe rich kids and their BMWs go there.
Monday I make the appointment for this Friday.

Tuesday I take another test.
Still positive.
Let me tell you...when you've actually tried to get pregnant, you attempt to decipher even the faintest plus sign.
Oh, now I know. That sucker became positive before the pee went all the way up the strip. It was exactly 4 weeks after the start of my last period.
Did more research and realized that the furthest along I could be is 4 weeks, which means if they can't see the embryo, then I have to pay for the visit and then go back again. Not an option when you're not taking time off work for this.
Rescheduled it for the 16th.

Wednesday (today) I had quite a few massively important things due.
Haven't done any of them. didn't even open the file. Can't stop thinking about it.

Trying so hard not to tell Chandler.

I actually put a poll up on the web. 'Cause here's something I read ages ago: if you know for sure you're going to abort it, then never ever tell the guy. Ever. What's the point? You're telling him something awful that he doesn't have a choice about.

And in my case, I don't even know if Chandler is the dad. Or it could be my husband (let's call him Joey).

My poll results (when you minus the 2 guys who lectured me blah blah...sorry guys, this is a double standard you'll have to suck up) were a mix of tell, tell before, or if i love him (which i do) don't ever say a thing.

That being said, someone wrote me this, and it's probablyt he most powerful of all the messages I received (and he's only 29):
I don't think you should tell him. However, I think what you're doing is the responsible thing. People who may disagree with your decision will tell you to tell him in hopes that he may convince you to change your mind. My suggestion is you consider the benefits of telling him and risking him flying off the handle. This choice is yours... allowing someone to have input in the decision-making process makes you feel as if you're sharing responsibility, thus reducing your guilt. So that makes me think you're feeling guilty. I think that's a natural healthy reaction. But as an adult, when you choose to lay down with someone, you have made the choice to take on adult responsibilities, including the decision you've made. Conversely, he chose you because you are the type of woman who would make the decision you've made. So, I don't think you need to say more...

So now it's eating me alive. A week and a half to wait. Much more freaked out than I thought.