Dirty and damaged

Before I was researching quite a bit on the procedure itself, what to expect, what i should have with me.
Now, I'm trying to grip with the emotional aspect of it. Like my right hand looks like what you see zombies looking like in horror movies. A deep burgundy color shaded with purple. I type for a living, so I can always see my hands (fortunately I don't need to see the keyboard to type or else I would really flip out). Just seeing it takes me back to the feeling, the "searing hot flesh poker iron vampire touching a cross and exposed to sunlight" pain, i can almost hear a sizzle. And screaming about my hand but everyone being so nonchalant about it. I suppose that's to be expected when you're in an assembly line for an abortion.

I'm also not okay when I think about sex, which whenI think of Chandler is pretty hard to not do. I have a tendency to think about that when I'm in meetings, I don't know why. But now not only am I not with him anymore, but I also think how that area just wants me to leave it the eff alone. Like the other day when I saw Chandler damn did we get hot and heavy, but the thought of ever putting anything in there again, even a tampon, makes my skin crawl. That area is now a tomb.

The day-of I guess I kept saying how dirty I felt. And Chandler took that as if to mean like he had raped me, like something he did was dirty. Which isn't how I meant ti at all...in a way, because I didn't know who the father was, I sort of had this immaculate conception perception. I couldn't associate a father with it. It was mine and mine alone. I meant more dirty in that I was knocked out and had more men in the room than women with me who saw between my legs. In that while abortion is nothing more than a medical procedure, I started to feel as if I'd had herpes sores removed off of me (I once was there when a friend had hers dry iced off). It was like I had some sort of disease that had to be removed, and everything was so clinical.

I guess it's hard to explain to a guy that when something happens inside of you and you're sore, you feel kinda dirty. Whether it's good rough sex or an abortion, you don't walk around feeling like Mother Theresa.

And as much as it's all about 1 in 3 women getting it, and i'm very vocal about being pro-choice, that doesn't mean i want the whole world to know that I got one (HA even though i have a blog accessible to the whole world). There's a reason why there's secrecy about it, and the big debate, and at the very least pro-choicers can see the other side of the argument...and for that, the secrecy, and doing something in secret can make one feel dirty.

I feel damaged. Dirty and damaged. Like if I were to be single and go on a date with a guy, if he knew, he'd be like "see ya".

I wanted to be the girl to support friends who get abortions. i didn't want to be the one EVER getting one.

I'm smarter than that. Wtf was i thinking...oh wait, I know. That i had tried for the longest time and it didn't happen. And that i thought i was infertile. They really, really aren't kidding when they say "stop worrying, the moment you stop worrying that you'll get pregnant is when it happens". No sh*t.


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