1 week countdown

1 week from now, I'll have arrived for my abortion.

I started thinking again that maybe I read the pregnancy tests wrong, until I also realized: uh i still don't have my period, soooo...

Last night my husband tried to tell me how I seemed distant, and he didn't want to get resentful like he did in the past...bless his heart, i felt awful for him...it's not his fault that his wife is going through an abortion AND a "breakup" with another man.

somehow in my talking, I started ranting about work. I know he gets annoyed becuase during the day I don't get jack done at work so then at night I have to finish my stuff. I started to get emotional, because he's got a relatively "fun" job...whereas mine is crazy technical. And at other jobs I understood the technical material in front of me, in this one it's WAY over my head, and when people in meetings use terms or acronyms that i don't know I can't type those words in to research later (especially when i might type it incorrectly) because we get crammed in these tiny rooms and everyone looks at each others' laptops. AND because it's so technical, at 8am it's not like I can jump right in. AND because of all the meetings I have, the instant you're ready to get some work after you've gotten out of a meeting, it's time to run off to another one.

I love my boss (best boss i've ever had), i love my hours, i love the distance from home, I even have an office for the first time ever...i'm very, very fortunate. But as all of us working here say, it's a very dry line of work...

Last night I had to try hard to not cry as I realized: i've been getting salary hikes not becuase i'm good, but because with each passing year I need more money just to suffer through 8-plus hours a day of doing something that doesn't remotely interest me. I've been doing this for 10 years now. I said how I sometimes wished I could work at Starbucks...or be a receptionist...and he's all "but the money would be crap"...no kidding. As I get older and my remaining time becomes more and more precious, i need to be paid more and more to sacrifice it.

What does this have to do with abortion stuff? I guess my thing always was that if Joey and I had a baby or multipe, then my life would have PURPOSE. I'd actually work my ass off at my job because I wouldn't want to be afraid of losing it, and I'd want to make sure I'd still have it upon returning from maternity leave (yes, i know it's illegal, but it's still pretty easy to lay someone off within a few weeks of returning from maternity leave) or that i'd even have it so that within say 1 month of being pregnant I didn't get laid off, because you dont' qualify for FMLA if you haven't been working atyour job for 2 months so starting a new one would be a bitch.

Not only does my life have no purpose, but I'm removing the very thing that would GIVE me purpose. But it's not mine to keep. Not this one.

I'm also trying to realize that a bunch of my pseudo-symptoms are totally psychosomatic. I did notice however the whole "breast tenderness" thing...my left boob is totally sore, the right one is normal. Which then got me freaking out what if only one boob can produce milk? What if, whenever i get pregnant again (knock on wood, God willing, etc), only the one boob grows in size?

I'm going to have to suck up the fatigue. Anxiety is also to blame.

Every ache in my stomach is not something related to pregnancy.

Maybe i'm emotional NOT from hormones, but because:
a)I have to shell out $395, which I was hoping to put towards bills or fixing all the dings on my car once and for all.
b)I'm removing the very thing I wanted, and caused the downfall of my marriage in 2008
c)I'm scared

This also means, the eating has to STOP. Now. And no more sh*t either. From now till next Friday, i'm eating healthy. It's bad enough that i'm a bridesmaid, but also for Hallowe'en I know everyone's going to have cameras and the last thing I need is a ton of evidence on Facebook about how crummy I looked in October.

I have a human being inside of me and I gotta shell out $400 for it...I need to get it vacuumed out...it's something that i wanted for years now, just not this way...i have to drive myself home and pretend to everyone aruond me that it didn't happen.

Oh and the BEST PART....i'm hosting a bachelorette at my house the next day! And yes, i HAVE to...becuase I'm not letting my own drama ruin my friend's one and only bachelorette, it's about her not me that day. I don't even know if I can drink on whatever they're going to give me, and if not, how the hell am I going to cover up for that.

At least you wont' be wearing a pad next week like it's 1975.


hunny432006 said...

Please, Please Monica.....do NOT do this. You will REGRET this for the rest of your life. I understand that this innocent baby is not from your husband, but, if your husband truly loves you without doubt, then......he will accept this child as his own. I went through an abortion 17 years ago...it was suppose to happen on Halloween in NYC but I ripped the wrist band off at the clinic right when they called my name to go back...but 1 week later...November 7, 1992...I went through with it at a different clinic due to pressure from my friends and the baby's father. I was alos VERY, VERY scared. It was the WORST decision of my life. It went against all my morals and ethics that I had been raised with my whole life. I ended up with a complete nervous breakdown and was told I would never be normal again. God proved the doctors wrong. He forgave me for murdering my child. It took me years and years to forgive myself. I now have 2 beautiful children, 15 and 9, but my heart still yearns for my first child that never had a chance because of my pressured, bad decision.
You can still save your baby and your inner feelings. This baby is a part of you. At 21 days, its heart started to beat. At 8 weeks, your baby is the size of your thumb. I will PRAY for you very hard over the next few days. I hope that you will carry on with the pregnancy. It will be hard either decision you make, but, you said yourself......YOU have longed for this in your life. YOU are SPECIAL and so is the little one inside of you that is 50% of you. GOD will provide a way for you, your marriage, and this baby.....no matter the bad circumstances of how the child arrived here...the baby is here for a REASON. I hope you make the right choice for YOU. Make sure it is what you truly want to do in your heart. It is your body and YOUR baby.If you want to talk I AM HERE for you.....Praying for you in Florida......Andrea
trust me on this one.....please, Monica....My heart aches for you....I know all the feelings that are flowing through your heart and head.....I'm just trying to help...I hope you don't think I'm being too pushy......GOOD LUCK.

Monica Geller said...

You're not being pushy...but i already did it, 2 weeks ago :(

Anonymous said...

Monica, I don't know you. I don't know, really, how you've dealt with this decision. I only just started reading your blog. I'm posting this anonymously, but my name is Carriann. I live in PA and I've been volunteering at clinics off and on since I was 17. I'm a medical assistant and I did my externship at Planned Parenthood.

I just want to tell you that you are a brave person. Not just for choosing abortion, but for documenting your experience and publishing it for the world to read. Hopefully, another young girl or woman in this situation will read this and realize she's not alone in the emotions she feels. Your sharing will being peace to others. Know this.

I am only an outsider looking in. I can't tell you if your choice was good or bad. Only you can determine how you feel about your decision and learn from it. But I can tell you that I support your right to choose. There is nothing wrong with the choice you made, but I hope that you were not pressured into making a decision you didn't want to make to begin with.

When it comes to abortion, I have always believed that there is a time and place for kids. If you are not ready now, you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids in the future. My mother had an abortion 30 years ago. I am 26. The night she had her abortion she met my father. I am grateful everyday for her choice, and your future kids will be, too. Even though you chose abortion now, your future child(ren) will be so thankful that you chose them instead.

Please, please, please don't ever let yourself feel bad for the choice you made. You did the best you could do in your situation.

And always remember you are loved.

Deborah said...

How is someone who cheats on her husband and then gets rid of the "evidence" and ANONYMOUSLY blogs about it, brave?

Christa said...

I agree with you Deb!!

Brave is telling your husband you cheated on him, and you are POSSIBLY carrying another man's child, and tell him,'' you either stay with me and help me raise this baby as "OURS" or I do it on my own, pal. I do not kill babies because of a mistake I made by cheating on you"

That would have been the brave thing to do :)

-I agree with abortion when it comes to rape or if the baby had a genetic issue and would live a miserable /painful life the first few hours or days after it was born,) But I wouldn't choose it as if it were a method of birth control like YOU did. Because you cheated on her husband and didn't use REAL birth control.

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