Maybe it's not so bad? A week later?

Had a dinner party tonight.
It went amazingly well, despite my constant fear that people will see how nasty the kitchen cupboards are, how the upstairs is a disaster, how we have crap everywhere despite me trying to organize there's only so many ways you can organize crap in a teenie house.

Us girls got buzzed. 4 bottles of wine did us good.

My girlfriends telling the stories of how they got engaged, mine always trumping for being the funniest...not the sweetest, not the most entertaining, just straight up funny. And there it hink wondering, what would this be like with Chandler? And how would he propose? Could we have these conversations with the same social people? How does that work when your "family" is your friends?

Why am I watching soaps right now...Owen wants Jackie to have a surrogate baby, she doesn't...

This pregnancy has forced me to look into life for what it is.
What would matter to a baby? What kind of environment does it need? I didn't grow up with the hippie mentality that love is all that matters. I grew up in an environment of arranged marriages. Which isn't that your parents force you marry someone. It's that your family, looking out for you, take a logical perspective to what's best for your future. That means not picking a guy who's hot...it's about picking a guy with a future, a good family, a good education, good values. Then love follows.

It's about a formula.

Sadly, love doesn't follow a formula, and I never followed my family.

But now...what matters to children? Do i subscribe to the whole thing that as long as your kids do something that makes them happy, that's important?

Um, no.

Sure, my kid can be happy as a garbageman. Knock yourself out. But i'm not going to let my kid at 18 decide that...at 18 you know nothing about 401k, bills, situations where you're a dual household on a single income. If my kid goe sto college, goes to grad school, and THEN wants to be a garbageman, THEN i'm okay with it.

I don't know too many people who's tried to go off teh beaten path that are too happy with it (and didn't have some sort of nest egg to fall back on).

So what's important...having a secure, stable household for a child. Where they're not worrying about whether mommy and daddy can afford things. Where college is still an option. Where they can go on trips to see their family, their heritage. Where there's a strong bond with friends and family around them. Where their parents' struggles aren't theirs.

But on the other hand..that's sort of how i grew up (i certainly didn't grow up rich. but we weren't shopping at goodwill...more like, brand new...but walmart and sears). And i've seen my parents kiss ONCE. I get weirded out holding hands with my husband. I have no affection, except during sex. I am the least romantic girl known to man.

And as a result of those two reflections, I've had struggles my whole life between my heart and my mind. What is best for a child?

I don't know.

Maybe i need to research happy children and happy adults, and see what kind of upbringing they had.