Week ago...in an hour.

A week ago at this time was my appointment.

A week ago I was in a waiting room listening to the history of Cuban Afro music. Did you know The Beatles ripped off a TON of cuban afro music from decades earlier? Do you care?

A week ago I was filling out paperwork.

A week ago I was freezing because I was sitting on the far end, by the window.

A week ago at this time, I was a mother. I was with child.

For some reason, it feels like i can still DO something, before the 11:00 mark hits when it was all over. At least, I think it was 11. I don't fully remember.

I still have bruising, but the worst of it is over.

Two things I will never forget:
  • The view from where i lay. That horrible huge light. The embarassing, degrading view of my legs hanging from those black nooses. Feeling like a speck in a huge operating room.
  • The searing pain in my hand. It still brings tears to my eyes. It was as if I thought everything was a dream but then someone pinched me (HARD) to tell me "no bitch, this is real". It's like everything sped up and moved at lightening speed from that moment onwards, and next thing I knew, I woke up. I touch the back of my hand, and the mild tinge from the bruising send waves of pain through my entire body, reminds me of my screaming, reminds me of no one answering...
it reminds me.

I still have a bit of bleeding, the dark brown discharge type you get either right before or right after your period.

This morning I woke up thinking that I was back to myself. I no longer feel puffy, my appetite is relatively back to normal, I think the last of the hormones are OUT finally. My boobs don't feel heavy anymore.

I thought, "alright, this is cool. It's just a memory now".

So why a few hours later am I shaking again...

Oh damn, I'm one hour off from the last of my antibiotics. Thank GOD i'm done with those, they're like horse pills. They're also the exact same color as a Tiffany's box.

I wonder what it would have felt like to hold him, if I had just kept him.


Anonymous said...

you don't know me and i don't know you.

you need to give yourself permission to mourn, it's ok to mourn a loss here. it's ok to be sad about the decision, about the fact you had to make such a hard decision especially on your own. you did lose something, and any political labels (pro-life/pro-choice whatever) don't mean anything because this was YOUR choice not anyone else's. you defended yourself against something that threatened you - an unplanned pregnancy. you are not a bad person, you are not 'patient x', you are YOU with your own unique set of emotions. your reaction is your own and don't rationalize yourself out of it, it's not fair to yourself.

i'm glad you have a friend who has been there and can help you and offer you support. there is also a post-abortion support community on livejournal which is supposed to be very good, and is run by very caring people. it would not be there if you were the only person who needed it.

i wish you safe healing, both physically and mentally. know that there are people thinking about you and hoping for a good recovery.

Morgaine said...

I want to second what Anonymous said up there.

Some women get over it faster, some women never get over it. Some women don't think they had anything to get over in the first place.

That is the funny thing about humans. No two experiences are ever the same.

Do something to remember this pregnancy, get something tangible that can represent the pregnancy to you. A small piece of jewelery, a figurine, something. Mine is an angel tree decoration with the probable birth stone for each of my two abortions. Other people wear rings, necklaces etc. to remind them. I also planted flowers, but my second abortion was in the spring, so that was easy.

People do need help after abortions, and it is a well kept secret, probably because the anti-choice people would run with it, but I really wish that there was more support post-abortion. You are allowed to mourn a miscarriage, but not an abortion, and that stinks.

Good luck to you. Try to do something good for yourself. Remember that all the reasons for the abortion are still valid, even if you are in pain, you had a valid reason for the abortion and try and keep that in mind.

Stop beating yourself up. Seriously, you all ready feel bad, you need to be your own support system, which I know is hard, but you deserve better than this constant barrage of insecurity and self-doubt.

Anonymous said...

4ehale.org offers non-judgemental support. They won't try to "save" you, but respect all individuals and their beliefs/
I hope it helps you.

Anonymous said...

I am CRYING. I have a little boy who was unplanned. Thank God I have him. Thank God because just reading this is making my heart break. I could never survive what you have. My heart breaks for you. I hope you will find it gets easier a you go on. You need to memorialize your son. He existed and he was yours and no matter the choice or the circumstance you have a right to grieve.

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