Almost one week since the surgery

It's 2am, I stayed up to get the work done that i should have done months/weeks/days ago. I didn't even send it off for review. GOD i'm praying for the best. I can't deal with people telling me what to do right now, I'm struggling so bad.

The funny thing is, I looked up how my religion views religion doesn't let me do jack. I couldn't wear shorts or tank tops as a kid...can't eat pork...can't do ANYTHING. But...according to my religion, it's bad to end life. But it doesn't recognize that something at just 5 weeks is a life since there's no heartbeat, etc. Phew, no religious worries, although I did drink alcohol the night before the abortion and that's a big no-no.

I want to stop imagining what "he" would have looked like.
I want to stop imagining what "he" would have lookedl ike in either Joey or Chandler's arms.
I want to stop thinking about buying clothes for "him".
I want to stop feeling like I was supposed to protect "him"...that he wasn't able to survive on "his" own, but "he" needed me...and i tossed "him" aside, i violently got rid of "him".

Yeah this is NOT healthy. I know.

And i'm here, 2am, bawling...for getting rid of something I so, so badly wished for last things would have been so so different if this were a year ago...

I started to believe that having a child would make me complete. .Would make my life complete. After awhile, you start to realize that working every day, doing the same stuff with friends, adventures or not, everything seems pretty shallow in the grand scheme, but having a family, having children, having a legacy...that to me meant I could bring my life meaning. That maybe it would fill the void that's been inside of me for so, so long.

Again, not a healthy way to view things.

GOD...i've never been the motherly type. People hand me babies and I just look awkward. I don't have a maternal bone in my body. So why is this biological clock ticking SO DAMN LOUD????

I read that one common feeling after an abortion is an intense desire to get pregnant again. I was starting to wonder if I was weird for feeling that way. But yes...this biological clock is ticking louder and louder, and that's a huge source of the anxiety. It's like getting this done kickstarted a race, and i need need need to get pregnant before it's too late.

Don't know how that's gonna happen since sex is the last thing I'll ever want for the rest of my life.

Also don't know how that's gonna happen when I can't even figure out my own damn love life.

I sometimes wish I had never met Chandler, then I'd never know that closeness, that bond. I've never had that with a guy before. I am a FIRM believer that ignorance is bliss. He became one of my best friends, which I've never viewed my husband as my best friend.

I've always been known as the "most unmarried married person" according to friends. At first it was cool, i dug that I wasn't a smug married chick as viewed by my single friends. But now...I don't like that. I want to be loving and sweet and give kisses at friends' barbecues or still get all sexy and flirty years later. It just doesn't seem natural to do that with Joey though...we're friends, but we operate like roommates most of the time. Roommates who have a history and a deep love for each other...but no passion, and definitely no chemistry.

I did a random poll with some people I knew, when they have big news where in the queue does their husband fall...apparently i'm the weird one. When something big happens, there's like 5 other people that i usually tell first, and then maybe mention it to Joey when i get home from work. That's apparently not normal.

But in the grand scheme, i place SECURITY as highest priority. THat means ensuring whatever it takes to not live in a cardboard box. Homelessness scares the crap out of me. Not sure WHY, other than my parents always worrying about money which years later I've discovered we live poor only because my father gave a ton of money to religious stuff...but we were fine financially (i mean, "fine"...not rolling in it, and we didn't live in a huge house, but my parents were fantastic with being frugal and sh*t got paid off quickly. A 30 year home loan paid off in 10 years). I briefly was jobless and homeless, but I was also in a country where I couldn't legally flip burgers. That's different now. And I have friends who would take me in before I ever sleep in my car.

Of which, when a few friends found out that after fights with Joey i would sleep in my car, they FLIPPED OUT and insisted I never do that again. I promised them i wouldn't, but to be honest...i would never take them up on their offer at 1am to crash on their couch. What do I hate most? Being a burden.

Meanwhile, back at security...that is a huge issue for me when it comes to a future baby daddy...I used to think Joey was in a fickle industry, but in hindsight he's done exceptionally well career-wise during the course of our relationship. So then...why do I still question his ability as a father?

Is it because there's a difference between SECURITY and PROTECTION?

Meh, enough whining from me. time for bed.


Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog recently and though I am pro-life (anti-abortion, however you wanna put it) I have to say you are a wonderful writer. Your style is so easy to read and you have made me burst out laughing quite a few times. That said, I find your story so very sad. I wish all the best to you.

shannon said...

This blog is a great insight to what an abortion really is, thank your for sharing it with us. If more women were aware of the emotional roller coaster and the true sense of loss felt after an abortion the abortion clinics would be hard pressed to stay in business. If your considering an abortion please get information from someone other than the abortion clinic, a friend who has had one, your GBYN someone who isn't going to profit from the abortion. It doesn't matter right now if I say I am pro choice or pro life, with out the proper information you can't make a good decision. But I will say this, if after an abortion women describe a deep sense of loss like nothing they felt before ( which alot of women do) then prehaps there's more to that life that was aborted than people care to admit.

notemily said...

unfortunately shannon, an emotional rollercoaster still costs less than a baby.

Anonymous said...

I do NOT understand women (girls or whatever) who get abortions when they are in a loving, relationship with the father of their baby..It is totally mind boggling to me. Abortion should only be given to people who were RAPED, or will die if they continue the pregnancy OR if their unborn have some sort of genetic condition(s) that will cause the baby to be in a lot of pain at/shortly after their birth, and die not long after.

I am pro-life, BUT I can see why abortion is legal; I can understand it. Or else we'll be back to having dumb girls/women who are sexually irresponsible getting knocked up, and throwing themselves over stairs, using wire hangers AND going back in to the "alleys" to have a dirty non-medical people to rid of the babies..only to end up dying themselves trying to kill their unwanted babies.

How come adoption was never an option? Well actually you never did mention in any of your MANY entries on here, say WHY you couldn't parent.

Most girls who get abortions say "I just couldn't picture giving my baby up for adoption. I couldn't handle the thought(s) of someone else out there raising MY baby"
But still and all, they are able to think of killing said baby.
I would rather live with regret of adoption, than live with the regret I killed a potential crying, crawling, walking and talking human being. It was just just a "ball of cells" or just "speck" in an sac to YOU. But to me, as mother to 4 (I had my first at 16 and had better sense than you) that speck would have been a REAL child just months after that abortion.

You make me sick, and frankly. I hope you never get pregnant again.

Anonymous said...

anonymous person posting in 2012 - you hope she never gets pregnant again? that's a sh*tty thing to say. I hope you learn better than to be such a jerk.
there is no need try and make women who have had abortions feel horrible - chances are they already do, did and some always will. your being mean doesn't undo the abortion or save the baby-it's done. you don't like abortion?
no one does, you moron. it's painful for everyone, especially those who live with it. you should be less judgmental.

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