17 Days Later - life feels fake and empty

11:00 am

I can't believe it's 11, and i've got all this crap to do. I shouldn't have made lunch plans. I just want to curl up in my car and sleep.

Last night, saw Chandler. Did stuff that I shouldn't have done (what can i say, that boy oozes sex appeal. And...it just feels NICE to be in someone's arms who actually knows what's going on).

Came home, Joey wanted to "finish stuff from this morning" and I was like "uh no. i'm going to bed". I'm all for my wifely duty, but not after some stuff (not everything, but stuff) with Chandler, not after having already been through this for months where i felt like a whore doing that, and also because i wasn't able to go through it again and silence the crying...really, how important is sex in a marriage? I want to like it with Joey, i really do, but after this past time and the feeling of absolute misery during it...and him not even finishing (oh thank you, 2 months ago you decided to finish but NOW you don't???? Would have been better if that had happened TWO MONTHS AGO!!!)

I need to keep a physical distance from Chandler...certainly not because i WANT to, but because it defeats the purpose of everything from the past few weeks if i do. It defeats the purpose of what i've put him through, of Joey not having a wife who's mentally all there, and for everything that i've been through...it's just too hard emotionally feeling like i'm constantly betraying two people who love me.

I'm trying to find a support group today, but damn if they're not all bible-based, and that's SO not happening. Even if i thought this was even remotely about religion i'd go, even though it's not my religion. But this isn't about God and I...while I believe in God (very much so), i sort of have this thing that right now he's kind of like "girrrrl...you're on your own with this one. Leave me out of it. " i feel like even God is annoyed at me because of my wallowing, and he's just like "GOD (ha no wait...) SELF...she needs to just figure this out already".

Sigh, just called another one and they're currently only doing one pretty far out. This effing blows. yay for me for doing this abortion in a bible-thumping pro-life stepford wife county.

I found a site that listed typical feelings after an abortion (it was interactive), here's what I listed:
Alone
Anxious
Ashamed
Beaten
Broken
Changed
Confused
Dead
Degraded
Depressed
Dirty
Empty
Exhausted
Fake
Fragile
Frozen
Grieving
Guilty
Haunted
Isolated
Jealous
Longing
Lost
Miserable
Mourning
needy
numb
obsessed
raw
ruined
sad
selfish
struggling
stuck
tortured
ugly
unloved
unprepared
unworthy
violated
vulnerable
weak
worthless

I'll go more into each of these later.

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2:32pm
Well i gave in again to eating disorder stuff. Wonderful. Plus now i'm starving as a result, so i'm pretty sure the calories i'm consuming now are more than the ones i ate in the first place.

I can't think. really. I have so much crap to do today. I just want to curl up in a ball.

So back to the feeling stuff, her'es what it's like...17 days later:

Alone
Well this is a given. It's not like you can go around telling your entire family. Even with a miscarriage if you don't tell the whole world, you eventually will start telling people. This is going to the grave with me.

Anxious
This one is hard to explain why. The surgery is over. THe follow-up is over. But now it's like...i'm waiting. For what I don't know. I think it's like if someone committed a heinous crime, it's like waiting in case the cops are going to find you. Even if you're sure they never will, or they close the case, you still forever feel like you're being watched...that you're going to be caught...

It's like, it never feels like this torture is over.

Ashamed
Definitely. I have no problems with abortion, but i never wanted to be in the category of people having them. I don't care if 1 in 3 get them, hell one in four people get herpes but I don't want that either. And that i did this considering for years i bitched about wishing i were pregnant. I'm in my 30s. I'm smarter than this.

Beaten
Yeah, i feel like Life just beat the sh*t out of me. Life, you win. I concede.

Broken
Back to the ashamed thing. I didn't want to be in this category. There's an unbalance in the force: the number of pregnancies vs. the number of children I'll have won't match up, and that was by choice. Like, you wouldn't tell a guy on a first date "oh btw, i had an abortion...in my 30s..."...the guy would be like "i'm outta here, girl is crazzzyyy".
Not that i'm looking to impress any guy, but waht i'm saying is that that's the litmus test.
I don't feel like i have everything to offer like another girl could offer someone, there's a whole row of china dolls but i'm the one with the big chip or hairline crack. What could I have to offer that any of the other perfect and unbroken dolls couldn't do?

Changed
This isn't just becuase of the internal angst...my view on abortion itself which i felt passionately about has changed. My view of myself has definitely changed.

Confused
Goes with the territory when you feel changed. I don't know how to process all of this.

Dead
I feel like up until the searing pain in my hand, i was The Old Me. The instant reality kicked in and i realized this wasn't a dream by the incredible pain, that's when i was no longer the Old Me. I feel like I aged at that moment, and it hardened me...but somehow i'm a weak wimp in the long run.

Degraded
Yeah. The legs spread, the black noose stirrups for the legs, legs spread with 2 guys in the room, if i think about it too much i start to cry because it's so incredibly humiliating. I cannot believe my girlyparts were just...out there like that. God i wish they had done that when i was sleeping.

Depressed
Obviously.

Dirty
Up there with degraded. It was all in secret, not through my insurance (i would have paid cash if i didn't want the air miles), that i was doing something that people did in back alleys with wire hangers. That i didn't know who the father was. That i'm MARRIED and i secretly got an abortion. Who the fuck does that? Who the fuck doesn't know who the father of their child is????? I am straight up a Jerry Springer incident. Had i kept the baby, the first thing it would have had was a paternity test. That's awful. That's just plain awful.

Empty
That's what happens when you voluntarily remove something that was in you that brought you meaning and worth.

Exhausted
Before i was exhausted from the hormones. Now, the depression has me exhausted. Trying to act like i'm a normal girl has me exhausted. Pretending things are okay depletes every ounce of energy, let alone trying to do real world stuff like laundry or work.

Fake
See the above exhausted part. I'm pretending to be a housewife with a normal life when really i had an abortion because i didn't know who the father was. I feel fake because i'm smiling when really, i wish right now this second i could just bawl like i am on the inside.

Fragile
Yeah it's safe to say that i'm a bit loco right now. It doesn't take much for me to crack or go postal.

Frozen
To me, this is that I can't move forward. I feel like i'm stuck in this nightmare.

Grieving
Obviously.

Guilty
Obviously.
Not like i felt i had a choice...i really didn't. But that I wanted to be pregnant so badly for years...all of 2008, it became my obsession to get pregnant. And now in 2009, i'm obsessed with what i did to no longer be pregnant.

Haunted
Yeah this is where your brain gets nutty. Let's not even discuss the nightmares when i'm sleeping. When i'm awake, i get sudden images popping in my head. What it'd be like to be pregnant. What giving birth would be like. What he/she looks like in my arms. Imagining either Chandler or Joey with a baby in their arms (i love Chandler's arms and i stare at them constantly, so that one kind of messed me up). The room that was meant for a baby if we ever had one. Stuff on tv, stuff people say, it's the beating of the telltale heart everywhere i go. I'm so close to just screaming I DID IT.

Isolated
Same as alone.

Jealous
I'm jealous of other people who didn't screw up like i did.
I'm jealous of my friends who have kids and the life I want.
I'm jealous of my younger self for being able to make choices based on having the luxury of time...a luxury i no longer have.
I'm even jealous of all the other possible girls Chandler can be with, have babies with them...
I'm jealous of people who seem happy right now.

Longing
I definitely long to be pregnant again...to know what it would be like to carry to term...to have it in my arm...

Lost
This makes me question everything. Not just my marriage, but even down to my job, my place of residence, my ability to ever be a mother.

Miserable
Uh yeah definite given. The things that made me happy before...not anymore. Now i'm just a warm body in different environments. Like a cutout doll...place me in a party. Place me cuddling on the couch with Joey. Place me at work. Fake smile, deep down, i'm miserable.

Mourning
I guess i am, but not very well. See Longing.

needy
I feel like a big ass baby. I'm sure Chandler has his own feelings, and i'm just being an emotional vampire by being all wahh wahh about me. Wanting big hugs makes me needy for sure.

obsessed
So obsessed with this whole thing. Everythinga bout pregnancy, about the surgery, you name it. I'm even sad that i don't have pregnancy symptoms anymore. WTF IS THAT?! Whywould i be SAD about that when i didn't want that in the first place????

raw
Yeah. Part of being fragile. Everything stings. It's still so fresh.

ruined
See broken.

sad
Obviously.

selfish
Yes, the beauty of extreme depression is that it breeds narcissism.

struggling
Obviously.

stuck
This is like the Lost thing. I don't know what to do. I don't know what direction i'm supposed to go in. I don't know anything other than wallowing in self-misery and lself-oathing.

tortured
Oh, i replay so many things in my mind. Then i listen to friends' pregnancy and baby stories. Or allthe crap on tv that i watch. I want to rip my brain from my head ot make it STOP.

ugly
That's a given. Not only am i physically a fat cow as a result of the depression eating, and how much i feel i've aged, but i just feel like...everything about this is plastered on my person.

unloved
Part of the self-torture...i got rid of the only thing that would have been immediate love fromthe start...an unconditional love. It just seems like the love between a newborn and its parents is immediate and...without that option now, i feel like i'm...blah. i can't describe this one. Maybe it's more like, "unlovable".

unprepared
BIG TIME. I had no idea i'd feel this way.

unworthy
See Unloved. I feel like the only thing i deserve is to be punished.

violated
Yeahhhh...that's part of Dirty. It's all about me, spread legs, and 2 guys in a room.

vulnerable
See fragile.

weak
See vulnerable.
I'm so weak...everything makes me crack.

worthless
That's a given.

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10:55 pm

Awesome. I'm trying to catch up on work since i did jack all on Friday/Weekend/Today...Joey comes down wanting to get his mack on since i apparently promised him last night that we'd continue, and he flat out told me resented me, and then flips on me for the current mail situation (which is a whole other beef...when he can't find something, and then i find it exactly where he says he looks, he says "well i don't know how it got there, i didn't put it there, i didn't find it, etc"...uhhh well you looked hours ago, i didn't go in that room, i then find it...did the cats put it there? i put the mail in the EXACT same spot every time, don't then say "i didn't open this"...i didn't open your bill, that was you, MONTHS ago, not my fault you didn't go through them and now you wnat to blame me for your bill magically being opened???)

he knew i had anxiety yesterday

I'm not at a point where i can be a "wife" right now...i'm struggling just to not slit my wrists...and now in turn i'm resenting him, when really i should be happy i have a husband who wants to spend time with me. I just want to be left alone. By everyone.