6 Days Later

Some cramping returning.

I drank like crazy today at lunch. I had to. I couldn't hack it anymore.

One day I'm fighting with both Chandler and Joey, then the next day I have Chandler telling me the most romantic of words and Joey sending me Tiffany's jewelry to my work.

I don't deserve either.

And in different ways, I'm not happy.

With Chandler, I'm not happy because it seems like I've been put in this mold, and if I stray from it, it upsets him. I feel like I'm a tightrope. I found myself over the course of the year more concerned about his welfare than of my own. And not having a voice...feeling duped that when he did seek understanding, it seemed only for a minute.

With Joey, I'm not happy because I just don't feel a connection to him. And i feel like we have different priorities. I feel like the weight of everything is on me, right down to screwing a nail in the wall (no, really: doing that is on me). I'm secretary, doctor, receptionist, household CEO, shopper, everything. And in the end, the last thing I feel like is a sexy wife.

I feel the weight of everything on me in both cases, just in different ways. While I have one foot out the door with Joey, with Chandler I felt like I so badly wanted him to show me the level of protection and security I needed to have a family with him.

And even worse: this isnt' a comparison. I have tried for over a year to not compare. Its not about one relative to another. Right now, i'm married to Joey, and that' s that. Until any papers are signed, that's just how it is.

I just want to have the level of connection, passion, and love i have with Chandler combined with the stability and comfort of life iwth Joey.

wah wah whoa is me.