18 days later - men can go fuck themselves

1:44 am

GOD i hate men.
Seriously, all i want is a guy who will protect me. That's it. Really, that's it. That includes the emotional crap too. I literally want a guy who will take my heart and cradle it but guard it with his life.

Lesson learned: don't turn to a guy after an abortion ladies. Find a girlfriend, and turn to her. Okay well thankfully I have Rachel, and thank GOD for her. I don't know if any guy can fathom how deep this will run through you, how intensely this will affect you.

Really, i want to be left alone where no one can say or hurt me. I'm disgusted with how much of a wimp i've become since the 16th.
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11:30am

GOD i hate being a sensitive little whiny bitch. I don't feel like me at all...i was somewhat tough once upon a time. Now, i'm just a big baby.

I have cramping again today. WTF. I'm so over the cramping!

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1:50 pm

Seriously, i wish i were a lesbian. I wouldn't be in this mess.

The two song that keep getting to me right now are Placebo's Running Up That Hill and Snow Patrol's Set Down Your Glass.

Placebo - Running Up That Hill

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, it's you and me.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts.

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, it's you and me.
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could, oh...

You,
It's you and me,
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

If I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems...

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

Snow Patrol - Set Down Your Glass

Just close your eyes
And count to five
Let's craft the only thing we know into surprise

Set down your glass
I painted this
To look like you and me forever as we're now

And I'm shaking and I'm still
When you're eyes meet mine I lose simple skills
Like to tell you all I want, is now

You sing, and I'm killed
I'm just not the same
As I was a year ago
And each minute since then

My jumper tears
As we take it off
You say you'll sew me good as new
And I know you will

And I'm shaking and I'm still
When your eyes meet mine I lose simple skills
Like to tell you all I want, is now

And I'm shaking and I'm still
When your eyes meet mine I lose simple skills
Like to tell you all I want, is now

the latter song being one that has always reminded me of Chandler.

Everything feels so messy and sloppy now. Nothing is neat and organized. i'm losing track of plans with friends. Other than a bit of laundry, i haven't cleaned sh*t. I forget to call people back. I don't send thank you cards, birthday cards, etc. The thought of going to the gym annoys me, despite that i have a massive gut and my friend's wedding is in a few days.

Everything all over aches. It's a numbing pain...not like something deep stabbing, but more like something is aching inside and i want a pill to make it go away.

I'm tired of existing. Plain and simple.

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10:38pm

Damn i'm cracking. Eating like mad, crying/not-crying at the drop of a hat. Joey got mad because i came home 10 mins after he did tonight, even though it's not like we had plans or anything. Then i walked in the room while stupid Leave It To Lamas (which i so, so wanted to like but his daughter is so dumb, it's just irritating) and I explaimed "ugh can you change the channel, i can't stand her!" and he looks at me, then says "uh did you not see I was?" me: "no" him: "and you didn't need to YELL it" me: "i didn't yell. THIS IS YELLING!" Him: "that's what you did" Me: "No, i exclaimed and showed enthusiasm"...

And at this point i was so annoyed about a billion things I made a snotty "sorry, i'll make sure to be void of all emotion".

It's 11pm, and i'm supposed to do work still, and i'm just...argh. I just don't give a sh*t anymore about anything.