8 Days Later

2:58 pm

I'm not doing well. At all. It feels like something inside of me died. I can't explain this level of unhappiness and pain...it's unlike anything else I've ever felt.

I was doing some light emailing back and forthe hte past day with Chandler, and I was starting to send an email just to say "hey, btw, thanks for your call of concern last night, i was doing okay then but today i'm scaring myself with how unwell I'm handling things"

But then simultaneously he sent me an email that actually sounded pretty pleasant. Like he sounds like his day is going to be going pretty well. So i deleted my wallowing email, and just sent him a reply commenting on something mundane.

You can't have it both ways. you can't abort a baby that possibly belongs to one guy, tell that guy you're not happy and you can't do this relationship, and then wish you could wallow to him because you're afraid you're going ot down a bottle of pills or start cutting (i've never cut, and i loathe scarring) or turn to your other vices.

I miss his friendship, truthfully. When i met him, i never thought a year later he might be the father of my child. I liked how quirky he was, his ability to make me blush, his crazy stories compared to my mundane suburban life.
How it was pouring rain, and i didn't know what to do about air in my tires, and he came out all dressed from work and took care of it for me.

I'm trying to lose the weight that I gained from the pregnancy chow downs. Although i don't have all the groceries i need to eat healthy. So far today i've had:
6 massive chunks of cheese (leftover from the dinner thing last night): 414 cals
6 oily greasy but oh so deliciouis crackers (leftover from last night): 105 cals
Microwave veggies: 112
Big ass bowl of cheese popcorn (my vice): ~400 cals
TOTAL: 1031 cals, which sucks balls...when i'm training/exercising, i need to keep it at 1200 and i'm not doing any exercise right now (yes, i've had trainers, i've worked out for years...i'm short and small-framed, i don't need that much on a daily basis). And it's only 3:30 pm.

I just want to forget everything.



Man, I don't know how people who do things like murder people can go through each day. I'd crack within a few hours i'm sure...i'd walk into Albertsons and start screaming "the body is in a rug in the dumpster i can't live with myself!"

Is it normal for it to consume your mind more than week after an abortion?

Maybe I'll feel better after the follow-up.

I had some minor bleeding (discharge-like) this morning. I know you're not supposed to lift anything over 15lbs, and damn there's a reason for it. I lugged a 35lbs container of kitty litter from my car all the way upstairs (and i have all the upper body strength of a kitten right now, ironically)...i felt like my uterus was going to fall out. Even a week later, your body is definitely still recovering.

My left arm still shows the mark from where they drew blood. The right arm looks okay and that's where i got the IV.
The back of my right hand is still red and bruised. Still sore to touch. Still reminds me. The pain. The begging. The pleading. The intensity of the burning that shot through my hand to my arm to my body. The incredible fear.


mama4x said...

You know, people who cut themselves do so to make the pain on the outside match the pain they feel on the inside. I'm sorry, maybe it helps a little to have a tangible, visible pain (your hand).

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